Having our toddler son in the wedding? Ring bearer? Walk me down the aisle?

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

My FI and I have a 2 year old son, he will be 3 next year at our wedding. We are going to have him included in our ceremony, vows etc, but I'm trying to think of other ideas to.

Should we have him as the ring bearer? Walk me down the isle? My dad and son walk me?

Any one else doing something like this? If your son is walking you down the isle, should I have my dad too?

LondonLisa · June 2014

I think you could have him walk you down the aisle but 3 is young to be standing during the whole ceremony. Maybe have him sit with your dad and come up for whatever part of the ceremony you want to include him in.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

Oh yeah, we won't have him stand for the ceremony only the part he is included in.

I'm just wondering if I walk with my son, should I walk with my dad too? I mean, I can't imagine not walking with my dad. Juts wondering if it's silly to walk with both.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

Really a three year old can't walk you down the aisle. You could walk him down though- his hand on one side, your dad on the other could be nice?

But he shouldn't be involved in the ceremony or the vows. He is too young to understand what is happening and it's wrong to use him as a prop. As for making any vows to him, these really aren't worth the decorative sand jar they're written in. Marriage is a legal commitment between 2 adults.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

wow your comment is a tad snippy there isn't it. Obviously I would hold his hand and he would be walking with me, I know this! I think it would be special to have my son at my side as I walk down the isle to his dad.

As for your comment about marriage being between 2 adults, I disagree with you. We became a family before FI and I got married and this is a commitment between the 3 of us. That's your view and his is mine. There is not right or wrong!

I am NOT using my son as a prop!! I'm included him into a small part of our ceremony.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I think it would be sweet to have him be the ring-bearer, but I don't see anything wrong with having him walk with you (and your dad) down the aisle, either. And frankly if you want to involve him in your vows that's your prerogative, although yes, it would be a nontraditional choice.

emmaaa · June 2014

I think either would be nice. Maybe he could be a ring bearer but walk down with you or in front of you as you and your dad follow.

I'm not a parent but I think it is sweet to include your children because marriage represents becoming a family. Also, can't most 3 year olds walk by themselves? I mean I work in Recreation and we have a 3 year old soccer league?

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

thank you

Being my first wedding and all I am very new to this. Our situation is also not traditional since we do have a son. I just know we would like him apart of it somehow. I looked up ways to included your children and a few sites mentioned about adding them into a portion of your vows.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

yes he can very much walk by himself, even at 2 years old, he can walk

Having them being cooperative is the question. I like the idea of having him walk down in front of us. Thank you @emmaaa

Jen4948 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

thank you Being my first wedding and all I am very new to this. Our situation is also not traditional since we do have a son. I just know we would like him apart of it somehow. I looked up ways to included your children and a few sites mentioned about adding them into a portion of your vows.

You can have him as a ring bearer, although I think that due to his young age someone would have to supervise his going up and down the aisle and then again supervise him while he's at the altar.

However, it would not be appropriate to "add him into a portion of your vows." The vows really need to stay between the bride and groom. He will still be "a part" of your wedding if you just take photos with him and let it go at that. I myself would limit the involvement of any child under 3, even my own, to photos.

QueerFemme · June 2014

I would have him as a ring bearer. I also don't think children should be included in the ceremony portion. Your son can't make a committment to the two of you at 2-3 years old. So, it's not a commitment between the three of you. It's a committment between the two adults, and you are having the child involved in something the he doesn't even comprehend.

Having him as a ring bearer is fine. Kids like that stuff. Anything more is inappropriate.

PS - It's "aisle" not "isle".

Jen4948 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

wow your comment is a tad snippy there isn't it. Obviously I would hold his hand and he would be walking with me, I know this! I think it would be special to have my son at my side as I walk down the isle to his dad.

As for your comment about marriage being between 2 adults, I disagree with you. We became a family before FI and I got married and this is a commitment between the 3 of us. That's your view and his is mine. There is not right or wrong!

I am NOT using my son as a prop!! I'm included him into a small part of our ceremony.

Actually, given that he is too young to consent to any of his involvement, has no input into your marriage, and is not going to be old enough to remember his exact participation later, that's why @starmoon44 thought that you are using him as a prop. She wasn't being "snippy" in telling you her opinion on this.

As much as you love your son, keep your perspective realistic. If your son isn't used to being with lots of strangers, then suddenly having to be in one and doing things he isn't familiar with may cause him to have a meltdown or otherwise behave inappropriately, so you'll need to be prepared for that. Also, don't try to "include" your son by either having him say anything or saying anything to him during the ceremony. He won't understand it.

emmaaa · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

soontobemrshamilton said:

wow your comment is a tad snippy there isn't it. Obviously I would hold his hand and he would be walking with me, I know this! I think it would be special to have my son at my side as I walk down the isle to his dad.

As for your comment about marriage being between 2 adults, I disagree with you. We became a family before FI and I got married and this is a commitment between the 3 of us. That's your view and his is mine. There is not right or wrong!

I am NOT using my son as a prop!! I'm included him into a small part of our ceremony.

Actually, given that he is too young to consent to any of his involvement, has no input into your marriage, and is not going to be old enough to remember his exact participation later, that's why @starmoon44 thought that you are using him as a prop. She wasn't being "snippy" in telling you her opinion on this.

As much as you love your son, keep your perspective realistic. A child, especially a toddler, should not be involved in vows, for example-s/he should not be required to say any nor have any said to him/her-because they cannot be made legally binding and in many ways just can't be reasonably or practically kept.

I agree with part of this. I would not have your son state any vows. But you could add, "I vow to co-parent with you as our son and family grows." Or something along those lines. Basically stating that you both will try to be the best parents you can be as your family joins and grows.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Not to be snippy or snarky or whatever, I am pretty sure your marriage license only has two names on it (you and your FI) that make up the marriage. Your son is not included in your marriage. He is a part of your family but your marriage is between you and your FI, that is it.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

Did your son get a say in no longer having his natural father in his life? Did he get a say in your choice of fiancé ? If you want a divorce will you son be able to say nope sorry doesn't work for me?

And if your marriage ends don't you want to be able to say to your son " this isn't about you. We love you. We just have grown up issues" instead of. "Oh yeah. We vowed to coparent you. But now were not. Oopsies!"

KatieinBkln · June 2014

STARMOON44 said:

Did your son get a say in no longer having his natural father in his life? Did he get a say in your choice of fiancé ? If you want a divorce will you son be able to say nope sorry doesn't work for me? And if your marriage ends don't you want to be able to say to your son " this isn't about you. We love you. We just have grown up issues" instead of. "Oh yeah. We vowed to coparent you. But now were not. Oopsies!"

STUCK IN THE DAMN BOX

I mean...he's 3, he won't remember anything anyway (besides maybe CAKE! and ITCHY SUIT!). I think it's a stretch to say that he'll think back to the wedding and feel betrayed in the event of a divorce.

Plus I feel like there's a lot of assuming here about what "involved in the ceremony/vows" means--personally, I didn't assume he'd be saying anything himself? Did I miss something where the OP said that? I liked a PP's idea of making a promise about co-parenting, actually. I don't see how breaking that vow is any worse than the breaking of the other marriage vows (in the event of divorce). I guess it all kind of depends on the context and what, exactly, "including" him entails.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

Ummm my FI is his natural father! Thanks for assuming

I appreciate all kinds of comments, that's why I posted, I just don't appreciate the snippyness of it all. You can relay your thoughts and what not without the snippyness. I guess I should have thought about that coming into a forum. That's what a lot of you woman look for any way...drama! I will also assume a lot you don't have children with your FI. You may think a little differently if you did. Like I said this whole wedding planning thing is brand new to me. I'm trying to get it all figured out and get advice from you ladies. I'm not having my son recite vows or any thing but I may included something in our vows about our son!

Maggie0829 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

Ummm my FI is his natural father! Thanks for assuming I appreciate all kinds of comments, that's why I posted, I just don't appreciate the snippyness of it all. You can relay your thoughts and what not without the snippyness. I guess I should have thought about that coming into a forum. That's what a lot of you woman look for any way...drama! I will also assume a lot you don't have children with your FI. You may think a little differently if you did. Like I said this whole wedding planning thing is brand new to me. I'm trying to get it all figured out and get advice from you ladies. I'm not having my son recite vows or any thing but I may included something in our vows about our son!

Way to make assumptions. Also, tone is a hard thing to convey through just written words on a forum. So you are perceiving the snippyness because you just don't like what some posters have to say and that they are disagreeing with some of your ideas.

And I am sorry but there are some things that children should not be involved in in any shape or form and that is a legal commitment made by two adults.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

Frankly, I don't really care what two people choose to say in their vows to each other. I mean, I'd forgo "I promise you three BJs a week and dirty bathroom floor sex at 3:42pm every Sunday", because ya know, your parents are gonna be there and they don't need that info. But if you want to say "I promise to support you in keeping Luke, and future children we may have, from the dark side" then hey go for it.

As for his participation, I've seen many a child grow bored standing there waiting for the adults to finish the hell up. So whatever you have him do, I'd suggest planning for him to sit during the ceremony. If you aren't having a flower girl, what about having him be the flower guy?

You know your kid better then me, but the one thing I'd be worried about with him walking beside you, is him not matching your pace. Either wanting to run ahead to his dad, or getting distracted by the people, might just make it a bit more difficult to get from point A to point B.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

Someone telling me not to use my son as a prop (when I am not), or starting off your post with "really" is being snippy! Correcting my grammar=snippy and unnecessary. Starting off your post with
"Not to be snippy, snarky or whatever" unnecessary. Assuming? No. Forums are known for drama!!

I don't mind the comments, they can disagree all they like. I have my own opinions and that's that!

Any way enough of all that. I'm just looking for people's idea's who used or will be using their children in their ceremony.

iloveu4ever · June 2014

Ring bearer he would be too cute.

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

thank you @iloveu4ever.....I'm leaning towards that and then just walking down with my dad.

iloveu4ever · June 2014

I have a 3 year old. So would it be ok if I have just a ring bearer?

Jen4948 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

Someone telling me not to use my son as a prop (when I am not), or starting off your post with "really" is being snippy! Correcting my grammar=snippy and unnecessary. Starting off your post with
"Not to be snippy, snarky or whatever" unnecessary. Assuming? No. Forums are known for drama!!

I don't mind the comments, they can disagree all they like. I have my own opinions and that's that!

Any way enough of all that. I'm just looking for people's idea's who used or will be using their children in their ceremony.

Regardless of what you're looking for, when posting on the Internet, people are going to respond as they see fit. You don't have any right to control, or try to control, how people respond to you. They may seem "snippy" or "snarky," but it would be mature to ignore that. Set the example you would like others to follow, but if it isn't followed, let it go. We don't know you, but you also don't know us.

Edited to correct error. Maggie, you might want to edit for that same error.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

shrekspeare said:

Too young to be a ring bearer, I think.

Think he might be younger then 3. But I could be wrong....I'm terrible with kid ages. And teens and adults. Old people too. Basically I never know how old anyone is.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

soontobemrshamilton said:

Someone telling me not to use my son as a prop (when I am not), or starting off your post with "really" is being snippy! Correcting my grammar=snippy and unnecessary. Starting off your post with
"Not to be snippy, snarky or whatever" unnecessary. Assuming? No. Forums are known for drama!!

I don't mind the comments, they can disagree all they like. I have my own opinions and that's that!

Any way enough of all that. I'm just looking for people's idea's who used or will be using their children in their ceremony.

Regardless of what you're looking for, when posting on the Internet, people are going to respond as you see fit. You don't have any right to control, or try to control, how people respond to you. They may seem "snippy" or "snarky," but it would be mature to ignore that. Set the example you would like others to follow, but if it isn't followed, let it go. We don't know you, but you also don't know us.

This.

If you want a world where everyone comments exactly how you see fit and want them to then may I suggest getting yourself a big mirror and having a conversation with your reflection because that is the only way you will get what you want.

And if you believe that forums are nothing but drama and don't appreciate "snippyness" or what have you then why are you even on here?

soontobemrshamilton · June 2014

@magicink, I agree. I think actually walking with him down the aisle may be too much, but I think we will try for a ring bearer. That above video is freaking hilarious! I have a kid, so I find it funny. If that happened at our wedding and he threw it, everyone would laugh and it would make for a good story later on. It wouldn't bother e if that happened...as long as the rings were intact!

iloveu4ever · June 2014

I agree. It is funny. I would laugh if that happened.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

shrekspeare said:

MagicInk said:

shrekspeare said:

Too young to be a ring bearer, I think.

Think he might be younger then 3. But I could be wrong....I'm terrible with kid ages. And teens and adults. Old people too. Basically I never know how old anyone is.

I know. I figured he's probably two or so, just an example. :} I definitely wouldn't let a child under 4 be the ring bearer. Even a 4 year old is iffy for me.

I'm just gonna say....I'm really glad our flower girl is a 7 year old whose pretty mature for her age. I feel confident we wont' have any melt downs. We're not bothering with a ring bearer. Putting children in charge of rings has always seemed like an odd idea to me. I barley think I should be in charge of rings.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

soontobemrshamilton said:

@magicink, I agree. I think actually walking with him down the aisle may be too much, but I think we will try for a ring bearer. That above video is freaking hilarious! I have a kid, so I find it funny. If that happened at our wedding and he threw it, everyone would laugh and it would make for a good story later on. It wouldn't bother e if that happened...as long as the rings were intact!

That is typically why you never put the real rings on the pillow that the kid carries.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

soontobemrshamilton said:

@magicink, I agree. I think actually walking with him down the aisle may be too much, but I think we will try for a ring bearer. That above video is freaking hilarious! I have a kid, so I find it funny. If that happened at our wedding and he threw it, everyone would laugh and it would make for a good story later on. It wouldn't bother e if that happened...as long as the rings were intact!

That is typically why you never put the real rings on the pillow that the kid carries.

I was gonna say that but then wasn't actually sure if I was right or not. My friends who've had ring bearers, didn't actually give the rings to the kid. But then I thought that might just be my weirdo friends.

Having our toddler son in the wedding? Ring bearer? Walk me down the aisle?

Re: Having our toddler son in the wedding? Ring bearer? Walk me down the aisle?

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