Question for all OMHs

KeptInStitches · June 2014

Did any of you really hate planning your wedding? Like really viscerally in your gut hate it?

I do. I suspected I would. This is not fun and I am not enjoying this process at all. Really I don't want to be doing this anymore - I want to be married, but I want to go to city hall and call it good. I'm being outvoted.

luckya23 · June 2014

What is in an OMH? I don't think I will like planning either. I was talking to SO about it a little bit today, and LUCKILY he seems to be on board with simple, and alcohol-free! I think that will help ENORMOUSLY! The last few days I had been really fearing the guest list on his side - his mom and dad have 5 siblings each!! When is your wedding? I am amazed with how far ahead people plan!!

phira · June 2014

@Kelani23 Old married hag.

Kept--maybe your fiance can do most of the planning so you don't have to. J does a lot of event planning for his job, so wedding planning feels like additional working hours for him. So I typically handle more of the planning.

Blue & White · June 2014

@KeptInStitches‌ I didn't mind wedding planning but I would have hated it if I bought into every wedding industry tradition. My H helped a lot with planning and we really just kept it as an awesome family/friend reunion with a side of wedding lol. Our families are pretty amazing so that helped a lot

@Kelani23‌ in fantastic news, since you're not engaged you don't need to be worrying over the guest list? Obviously. Just for the record.

bethsmiles · June 2014

What about planning do you hate? Can you do a really low-key event that maybe allows for less planning or hire a wedding planner?

leia1979 · June 2014

I like planning things, but yeah, I was sick of it after about six months. I stepped away and took a month or two off and then jumped back in towards the end. That break did wonders for my sanity.

phira · June 2014

Yeah, I might take a break from any planning that isn't the venue or something similar. Like, hold off on dress shopping or anything else like that. Your mental health is pretty important.

Peaseblossom55 · June 2014

So I am 4 days short from being an OMH but I loved planning our families made it pretty easy on us. We had a 15 month engagement which is a bit long and we had to wait at least 12 months because of the church. I've enjoyed it and got excited with step as it got closer. Although the past month or so I didn't want to deal with details I wanted to just get married. I should have hired a planner for the last month.

lilacck28 · June 2014

So, not married. I'm a year out. A whole year! And I wouldn't say I hate planning, but man... it is exhausting! I felt so much pressure to get things done, or else they would all book up. We booked a venue (catering, cake, linens, tables, etc. included) a few weeks ago. And this week we booked the officiant and photographer, and I bought my dress (which started out as fun and became very stressful. I felt confused and just wanted to get it over with). And today, I have gone insane and I bought two nearly identical cake toppers. Still have to block hotel rooms and find a dj (but fiance and I don't care that much about that, we just want someone to press play and stay quiet.) ETA: and videographer! We're probably not going to really have one though, which bums me out a bit. My mom has expressed that she wants me to be happy, but I can tell she doesn't want the added expense. And it would not be responsible for me to use my savings/ saved up rent money on it. We're hoping to use one of FBILs friends and get just unedited footage that either FBIL or I could edit, but that might not pan out, in which case we're SOOL.

While I don't feel a visceral hatred, it is not fun anymore. It is just anxiety inducing. Of course, now that I have most of the things done that need to be done this far out, I wish I had more wedding things to plan so I could procrastinate on job applications...

It might not be the wedding planning by itself that is stressing me out though. We are moving, and had to find a new apartment around the same time we booked the venue. We couldn't leave to visit, so my parents checked out a ton of places for us, and we just listened to them. And then we had to figure out how we were going to move. And now that I've graduated from grad school, I start a new job in a few weeks. I have to make lesson plans for that. I'll be teaching young kids, k-6, which I have no experience with. I'm used to teaching at the university level. And we need to pack. And I need to apply for jobs for after the summer. So, all that plus wedding planning has been cray cray.

ETA 2: Sorry for this crazy rant/ thread jack.

Swazzle · June 2014

I didn't hate planning. I had a long engagement so it was all very spread out and there wasn't too much of a rush for most things which I think helped. I don't do well when I'm rushed at anything.

If you are really not feeling it then I suggest sitting down with your FI and telling him that and then coming up with a solution that works for both of you. You're getting MARRIED, you shouldn't be miserable right now!

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I agree with what @swazzle said about sitting down with your FI and telling him your thoughts about all this. What is it specifically that you're not enjoying? Is it planning as a whole like putting together a guest list, vendors, etc... or is it the details like picking music, flowers, decorations etc...

I enjoyed planning at the beginning and sometimes it got on my nerves because I'm a perfectionist so when things went wrong I would get bent out of shape so it stressed me out from time to time. I told H about two months out from our wedding that I would drop everything and just go to the court house but then my parents would be super pissed since they were paying for the wedding and we had already sent out invites.

buddysmom80 · June 2014

As of tomorrow I'll be six months away from our wedding. At first I liked the planning. Picking the colors, venue, date, etc. At this point, now that we're getting into details, I'm kind of "meh, FI, take care of it". For example, he's picking the menu, invitations, and he helped my dad out with designing our escort card tray.

I had a list of a TON of DIY projects and I cut about half of them out because at this point I don't have enought patience. I would ask FI to help, but I get a little control-freaky on certain aspects of my life (we're working on this). At first I was going to make my own card box, petal aisle runners and some other stuff too. At this point, I'm making the centerpieces and TBH if I can find a receipt for the flowers I ordered, I'm going to return them and order more roses from my florist. I'm working on the sweetheart table decor, the gift table and the ceremony decor (candles in vases, easy). Other than that, I'm paying people to do it.

Dignity100 · June 2014

Not married yet - but I was totally not looking to wedding planning and all the moving parts involved. For this reason I'm glad I'm doing my wedding the way I'm doing it - they gave me a list of songs and said 'pick'; they gave me 5 bouquets to choose from and said 'pick'; cake look and flavors - same thing.

Could you potentially look into getting a wedding planner or is that way out of budget?

ShallowSeas · June 2014

I'm obviously not an OMH yet, but I don't hate wedding planning. FI has helped me a lot and we've probably split the wedding planning and projects 50/50 which I think helps a lot. Is your FI helping you plan or willing to help you plan? If it wasn't for FI, I think I would dislike it almost to the point of hating it. Its definitely tedious work but FI and I try to have fun with it. Its the only time FI and I will be able to plan our wedding together, so we're trying to make the most of it and enjoy the process, no matter how stressful it gets. There have definitely been several times though that we look at each other and say, "we could've already been married by now if we did something smaller..."

KeptInStitches · June 2014

A lot of this happened since last Friday to really make me feel this way, but some of this has been building since Day 1.

Let's start with I didn't want anything that even remotely resembled a conventional "wedding" - no trappings of a wedding, etc. I wanted to go to city hall, sign the papers, and be FI's wife. That would be perfect for me. However, I'm not the only one who gets to vote, and FI said we have to have a wedding.

My parents were dissatisfied with the guest list (especially early this week), saying my side wasn't strongly enough represented. They sent back a revised "short list", reserving the right to keep adding, which blew up the overall guest list from < 60 to 100 people. And they took my MOH and her blanket +1 (truly single, lives 1500 miles away) off the list.

I wanted to get a dress from Modcloth (any one of the white/ivory dresses, I hadn't narrowed it down), but I was told that this was unacceptable. I hated the bridal shop - I felt like my real opinions weren't being listened to and I was frustrated by the lack of tea length in stock.

I wanted to wear flats from Payless, but I was told I have to wear heels and my shoes had to be of higher quality.

I want to wear pearls. I am being told I have to wear diamonds.

I carefully picked out teal daisies with FI to make sure the color would be right. I am being told the flowers are too big and will not be used in my bouquet, perhaps not in any bouquets, maybe in the centerpieces. I am hurt - daisies are my favorite flower.

I am being told I have to have a personal attendant. I do not want or need one and I am not being listened to.

I am frustrated that the restaurant didn't work out and am lost for how to avoid looking like this is a big fancy wedding when all I ever wanted was dinner and to go home. Outdoors isn't an option as well (too unpredictable weather up here).

And I'm coming to the realization that I won't have the adult-only wedding I wanted to, partly because FI's stepsister is 6 weeks pregnant and due in February. Congrats to her, first of all! But I'm not cold enough to not invite her newborn, if I do then I have to invite her two-year-old (by then three), and then I have to invite FI's stepbrother's unholy demon kids.

The vast, vast majority of this is being dished on me by my mother. Normally I know the answer is to stop sharing details, but she has vested financial interest - my parents are paying about 25% of the expenses thus far. And I know that they who pay get a say, but I haven't ever been "wrong" nine weeks running before and I'm just done with all of this. Really, I'm back to I no longer want a wedding and I just want to go to city hall and be done with it. Turning down their money isn't a good option either as it will severely damage the relationship with my parents.

FI can't believe this is happening, either. He wanted me to have a good memory with my friends and family as we got married. I don't know how to make this better, but better for who? Better for FI? Better for my mom? At what point does it become better for me? Because this is not good for me, I haven't been sleeping well, and I've been crying a lot and hiding it.

This will be a P&R, I have to be in the lab today babysitting a system that is perfectly capable of babysitting itself.

tl;dr: Wedding is out of control. Bride's wishes are being ignored in favor of MOB's. POB are contributing about 25% of budget, and turning down money would damage relationship.

ETA: A wedding planner is way out of budget.

emmyg65 · June 2014

Yes, I hated it. There were parts I love—I enjoy planning events, so that was fun. But I really struggling with trying to please everyone. I hated spending so much money on one day. I had major decision fatigue (never ask me about wedding invitations).

Also, we got married in our in-laws' yard, so there were tons of extra stressors. What if there's a repeat of Hurricane Irene? What if my friends get really drunk and break one of MIL's beautiful sculptures? What if the septic tank actually can't handle that many people? My anxiety got so out of control I actually had to go to therapy.

A few months before the wedding, we had a serious discussion about running off and eloping, but I realized that it was really important to me to celebrate with my closest friends and family. After that discussion, we doubled down on our efforts to eliminate nonessentials and only do things that either (1) affected the comfort of our guests or (2) made us happy.

In the end, everything was fine, and we had a lovely wedding, but no, I did not enjoy planning. Should I get married again, it'll be courthouse + restaurant with a small group of family and friends.

labro · June 2014

Ok that's a lot going on! Maybe a couple of these suggestions may help!

Pearls are traditional and classic jewelry for the bride to wear....not diamonds. You could always try that argument with your mom next time it comes up.

Your parents are paying 25% and yes they etc a say but that's not enough of a percentage for them to be able to dictate the entire guest list....and exclude your MoH....wtf????? Try laying out the nitty gritty budget details with your mom and tell her this is the number of people we want to host. You can have 25% of the guest list for whoever you want (This number could exclude any family members you may mutually want there).

Have you considered going dress shopping by yourself or with a close friend? I never felt like the consultants aren't listening to me or forcing me away from my "vision" of a dress. Also, I shopped by myself multiple times before shopping with anyone. It helped me narrow down a few favorites that I wanted to share with other people.

I know this doesn't address everything but hopefully it helps! Big hugs to you! I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a Momzilla!

luckya23 · June 2014

KeptInStitches said:

A lot of this happened since last Friday to really make me feel this way, but some of this has been building since Day 1.

Let's start with I didn't want anything that even remotely resembled a conventional "wedding" - no trappings of a wedding, etc. I wanted to go to city hall, sign the papers, and be FI's wife. That would be perfect for me. However, I'm not the only one who gets to vote, and FI said we have to have a wedding.

My parents were dissatisfied with the guest list (especially early this week), saying my side wasn't strongly enough represented. They sent back a revised "short list", reserving the right to keep adding, which blew up the overall guest list from < 60 to 100 people. And they took my MOH and her blanket +1 (truly single, lives 1500 miles away) off the list.

I wanted to get a dress from Modcloth (any one of the white/ivory dresses, I hadn't narrowed it down), but I was told that this was unacceptable. I hated the bridal shop - I felt like my real opinions weren't being listened to and I was frustrated by the lack of tea length in stock.

I wanted to wear flats from Payless, but I was told I have to wear heels and my shoes had to be of higher quality.

I want to wear pearls. I am being told I have to wear diamonds.

I carefully picked out teal daisies with FI to make sure the color would be right. I am being told the flowers are too big and will not be used in my bouquet, perhaps not in any bouquets, maybe in the centerpieces. I am hurt - daisies are my favorite flower.

I am being told I have to have a personal attendant. I do not want or need one and I am not being listened to.

I am frustrated that the restaurant didn't work out and am lost for how to avoid looking like this is a big fancy wedding when all I ever wanted was dinner and to go home. Outdoors isn't an option as well (too unpredictable weather up here).

And I'm coming to the realization that I won't have the adult-only wedding I wanted to, partly because FI's stepsister is 6 weeks pregnant and due in February. Congrats to her, first of all! But I'm not cold enough to not invite her newborn, if I do then I have to invite her two-year-old (by then three), and then I have to invite FI's stepbrother's unholy demon kids.

The vast, vast majority of this is being dished on me by my mother. Normally I know the answer is to stop sharing details, but she has vested financial interest - my parents are paying about 25% of the expenses thus far. And I know that they who pay get a say, but I haven't ever been "wrong" nine weeks running before and I'm just done with all of this. Really, I'm back to I no longer want a wedding and I just want to go to city hall and be done with it. Turning down their money isn't a good option either as it will severely damage the relationship with my parents.

FI can't believe this is happening, either. He wanted me to have a good memory with my friends and family as we got married. I don't know how to make this better, but better for who? Better for FI? Better for my mom? At what point does it become better for me? Because this is not good for me, I haven't been sleeping well, and I've been crying a lot and hiding it.

This will be a P&R, I have to be in the lab today babysitting a system that is perfectly capable of babysitting itself.

tl;dr: Wedding is out of control. Bride's wishes are being ignored in favor of MOB's. POB are contributing about 25% of budget, and turning down money would damage relationship.

ETA: A wedding planner is way out of budget.

Yup, this is exactly how I felt planning my first wedding!! I wanted to "get it over with" but ex-fiance wanted "at least dancing and drinking"... The worst was feeling like he was siding with my mother in all of that! Not that he was willing to actually DO any planning!

In that situation, the "compromise" I found was a destination wedding... Mom couldn't go too crazy with the details because she wasn't right there, plus it was less traveling for his side, and I didn't have to deal with my mom's extensive guest list. I told her she could throw a celebration party back home sometime in the future. Luckily we never got to that point!

BTW, the destination was also in an awesome restaurant loft... I dearly love that venue, even today! My family is very different today too, with children and old folk, so I do understand if a destination wouldn't work for you.

emmaaa · June 2014

It sounds like you aren't getting anything that you originally wanted from the wedding. Talk with your FI. Y'all need to discuss and figure out what you both want and what things you aren't willing ot compromise on. Then go from there.

Wedding planning for me hasn't been bad at all. I always thought I would be the typical, over-stressed, bride-to-be, but I haven't been. I think a lot of that has to do with one of my BFF's is getting married in September and her wedding has seriously stressed me out. FI's sister is getting married in October. I'm a bridesmaid in both weddings. We are getting married in December and there are days we truly want to elope or have a small intimate ceremony with the JOP. Mainly because we just want to go ahead and be husband and wife. I'm super impatient.

It will all work out for you. Everyone says wedding planning is supposed to be fun. Well, it is but don't let it over take your life.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I'm going to admit I haven't read all responses here - so sorry if i'm repeating anything here.

1. This is not your parent's wedding, this is yours and your FI's. Stand up for what the two of you want.

2. I would recommend earmarking any funds gifted to you for the wedding as specific items. For example say "We decided to use your generous gift towards our venue rental!" This allows you to give your parents "credit" for thir contribution and also limit the amount of opinions you feel you have to open yourself up to in other areas because you're paying for everything else.

3. Have a stern chat with mom and dad. Let them know that you're feeling like this is no longer about you and your FI. Tell them that you want to include them, but that you really need to have your opinions heard.

4. Some things are better kept to yourself. If you don't want opinions from others, don't share your plans. Buy your shoes from Payless. No one else needs to know where you got them. Pack the jewelry you want to wear - why should anyone else have a say in that?

5. Have confidence in your choices. It's easy to allow other's opinions to create self doubt. Who doesn't want to feel like everyone loves their wedding? It's a personal thing. I tried to remind myself that if at the end of the day we were married - we accomplished our goal! Really when you think about it, that's the only point of any of it.

As an OMH - I do have to say that planning wasn't always fun. There were some tough conversations and H and I had to set some ground rules with our families. Once the day comes though, none of the details really matter. It's emotional and so meaningful to marry the love of your life...really puts everything else into perspective.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

@KeptInStitches - I had a similar experience with my wedding (MOB being a MOBzilla). I ended up giving in on a lot of things that I regret. my mom and I had a strained relationship for a while, but it's been 3 years and things have settled back down. we don't talk about the wedding, even now, because it's still a sore spot.

I'm sorry you're going through this... feel free to vent away, because I have been through that hell and came out the other side (in one piece, but just barely!).

and you know, if they're only contributing 25%, just buy your pearls and don't talk about it. show up wearing them. if she buys you diamonds, cool! you've got diamonds for later! if you want teal daisies, go to the florist or buy them without her. you can do this! it's going to SUCK and there will probably be a ton of blow-up fights, but you can do it.

FWIW, one of the biggest fights between my mom and I were about the color of the tablecloths. I had had it with her, and wasn't budging. she was insisting that we have to have plain white because that is classy. I wanted white with deep purple draping over them.

I got my way. I got money from my dad and bought the fabric, handed it to the lady that was helping me decorate the reception, and we did it without her. if only I'd learned to do that earlier in the process...

eilis1228 · June 2014

Holy balls, that's a lot of negativity all at once.

I'm so sorry that your mom is so blatantly ignoring your wishes. I agree with @LaPeanut1018-- while 25% is a vested interest, it sounds like she's dictating 100% (or at least trying). I like the option of giving her so many spots to fill in the guest list. As for your dress and shoes, are those coming out of your pocket or hers? If yours, just buy whatever you want. If your mom's, then you may have to work out a compromise with her. For example, you'll wear diamonds (which I don't think are as classic as pearls, honestly) and heels during the ceremony, and you'll still get your tea-length dress. During the reception you can switch to flats or something.

As for the flowers, is this your mother or the florist talking? If the florist, then they probably know best. Although I just googled "wedding bouquet teal daisies" and found a lot of really cute options, so I don't really know what that backlash is all about.

The most important thing though is that you and your FI sit down with your parents and talk. It may be weird and uncomfortable, but you guys clearly can't continue at this rate. I can't imagine that they really want to spend so much money on a wedding that you hate, and a bride should NEVER dread her wedding, you know? Wedding planning can be tedious, but it shouldn't make you miserable. *hugs*

phira · June 2014

Dear Stitches' mom,

STOP. NO MORE. ENOUGH. NOPE.

Love,

Me

[Deleted User] · June 2014

@KeptInStitches - and you know, if it's really THAT bad (which I know if can be!), you can always go the option of having a ceremony with a JOP and then throw a more informal reception afterwards. you DO have options, no matter what MOBzilla is telling you. going back, I think that might have been a good choice for H and I to have considered.

Swazzle · June 2014

You really just need to put your foot down. It's your wedding (and your FI's obviously). Anyone else's outside opinion: JUST SAY NO.

ETA: Unless other people are paying for the wedding, you have absolutely no reason or expectation to abide by their demands. If they ARE paying, then say thanks but no thanks to whatever they were planning to give you and cut those strings immediately.

phira · June 2014

Also, you know me. You know I'd HAPPILY spend hours browsing Modcloth for dresses for you.

Ollie08 · June 2014

allusive007 said:

I'm going to admit I haven't read all responses here - so sorry if i'm repeating anything here.
1. This is not your parent's wedding, this is yours and your FI's. Stand up for what the two of you want.
2. I would recommend earmarking any funds gifted to you for the wedding as specific items. For example say "We decided to use your generous gift towards our venue rental!" This allows you to give your parents "credit" for thir contribution and also limit the amount of opinions you feel you have to open yourself up to in other areas because you're paying for everything else.
3. Have a stern chat with mom and dad. Let them know that you're feeling like this is no longer about you and your FI. Tell them that you want to include them, but that you really need to have your opinions heard.
4. Some things are better kept to yourself. If you don't want opinions from others, don't share your plans. Buy your shoes from Payless. No one else needs to know where you got them. Pack the jewelry you want to wear - why should anyone else have a say in that?
5. Have confidence in your choices. It's easy to allow other's opinions to create self doubt. Who doesn't want to feel like everyone loves their wedding? It's a personal thing. I tried to remind myself that if at the end of the day we were married - we accomplished our goal! Really when you think about it, that's the only point of any of it.
As an OMH - I do have to say that planning wasn't always fun. There were some tough conversations and H and I had to set some ground rules with our families. Once the day comes though, none of the details really matter. It's emotional and so meaningful to marry the love of your life...really puts everything else into perspective.

This. All of this, but especially the bolded. It's going to suck to talk about it, but it's going to suck more to have to deal with this for the next how many months? If this ends up being the wedding of your mom's dreams, are you going to look back on your wedding day and cringe?

Your mom should be able to get over it. Sure, her feelings may be hurt, but as a mom, all I want is for my girls to be happy. And sometimes I need a wake up call that what I want, isn't what they want. Either way, all the love and hugs to you.

Sakalicious · June 2014

I'm with @swazzle...DH and I had a pretty long engagement so we would just do a little bit at a time. By the time we got closer to the wedding, there were certain headaches, but I think no matter what you do, there will be a certain amount of stress associated with it. If it's causing you this much distress, definitely have a talk with your FI and see how you can change things to make the whole experience as "fun" as possible.

lilacck28 · June 2014

My mom looks back on her wedding with regret. She listened to almost everything her FMIL (my grandmother) wanted because she was trying to forge a happy relationship with her. Wasn't worth it, didn't really work. And when she wasn't listening to her MIL, she was listening to her mother ("let's buy a dress off the rack. Dresses are so expensive and stupid. You already tried on three dresses, just pick one", etc.) . She wishes she had picked things she likes, and stood up to them. I think compromise is key. The biggest things my mom regrets are the ceremony (officiant hijacked the wedding with overly religious blather, and she wasn't allowed to walk down the aisle with her and my father's non religious , but very traditional, choice) and her dress. Think about the things that are most important to you, and don't budge.

I think the attire (teal daisies, pearl necklace, flats) are easy things for you to control. As far as guest list, that is hard. I'm inviting people that I don't care about to make my parents happy too. Just make sure that the people YOU care about don't get pushed off the list. That is what is actually unacceptable. (ESPECIALLY as they are paying 25%, not 100%)

I'd definitely have a sit down with your mom and be blunt with her. "Mom, you're dictating the terms of my entire wedding. You are making me so unhappy that I really want to elope, and if things continue this way, it may happen. I have things that I really want, and you are telling me they are unacceptable .That is not true. In reality, they are just not your particular preference... but it is NOT your wedding. I love you, and want you to feel happy during the wedding and reception, but please stop trying to control everything. You are pushing me away and making this miserable"

ShallowSeas · June 2014

If you can manage without the 25% from your parents, then I would just do what you want as far as flowers, jewelery, and dresses and not worry too much about upsetting them. If they get mad and decide not to help financially, then so be it.

As other PPs have mentioned, 25% is not enough to dictate your entire wedding. Please don't let people persuade you into doing something you don't want, or talk you out of things you do want. You shouldn't have to look back on your wedding 10 or 20 years from now and regret doing or not doing something.

Peaseblossom55 · June 2014

@Keptinstitches so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree 25% contribution is not enough to be dictacting all of their requests. I would just start not sharing any more details, go and buy your shoes from payless, find a lovely dress from ModCloth. If it's possible I'd also sit down and tell your parents how you are feeling, let them know right now you just want to elope. Sending you hugs and hoping the planning gets better

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