Question for all OMHs

Dignity100 · June 2014

**HUGS** Sorry you're mom is trying to take over your wedding plans. Would you like the information on Disney's Elopement Package - it allows up to 4 guests and a bride & groom :-) .

My mom is on the exact opposite side of the spectrum - she loves FI and everything but she HATES weddings and has lots of social issues. I cannot even bring up anything 'wedding' without her totally shutting down for 3+ days <this is not an exaggeration>>.

I haven't read the post entirely - there's a lot of long posts on here and my time is limited while I'm in the office now, but I'm sure the NEY girls have offered a ton of support and advice!

EDIT: I read the entire post now - I would either pick and choose what that 25% is going towards and let her HELP with those decisions and let her know that I reserve the final say or ask her 'I appreciate the $$ you are donating to the wedding, where would you like to see me spend it' -- if she says floral and dress - let her in on HELPING with those decisions.

leia1979 · June 2014

No wonder you're unhappy with wedding planning! You aren't planning a wedding, you're getting steamrolled by your mother.

Heck, if you get your dress from Modcloth and shoes from Payless, you might not even need their 25% contribution. Yeah, that's a little hyperbole, but seriously, can you possibly afford what you want without their money?

A friend of mine had the low key wedding it sounds like you want (complete with adorable short dress and flats) and it was wonderful and so her. I believe in the long run you will be much happier if you stick up for what you want. Your mom had her chance already. This isn't her wedding.

Wear the clothing you want, have teal daisies, and be happy!

beanbot2002 · June 2014

I have zero experience planning a wedding, so I have no personal insight to offer, but holy moly! So many hugs to you! This sounds absolutely unbearable. I think the OMHs have made some wonderful suggestions. I hope things turn around quickly!

Emmy1493 · June 2014

I am torn on this question. When I was planning, I hated it. Just having to remember and get everything taken care of was exhausting! Now that I am married, I kinda miss it. Maybe not the planning, but the wedding. I loved having all my friends and family together and celebrating with H. Now that it is over, I am a bit bummed, BUT I am so glad to have other stuff to look forward to!

KeptInStitches · June 2014

First of all, thank you all for the support!! I was starting to feel like I was being totally unreasonable, and sometimes it can be hard to tell when you're in the situation whether you're ... well, being fair.

I've been thinking on this for a few days, and I'm still at the point where I want to cancel all the vendor appointments I've made and head out to Vegas. I haven't spoken to my parents (even on the phone) since Sunday night. This is the longest we've gone without speaking to each other, and I think I should extend the olive branch, but I'm so hurt. I have to go see my parents for Father's Day (I promised before I would be there), so I have to sort out my feelings by then.

I think the things that are hurting me most are 1.) taking my MOH off the guest list, which may not have been intentional but a simple oversight (giving the ultimate benefit of the doubt); 2.) not letting me have final say in my attire; and 3.) blowing up the guest list when they knew I wanted a small affair.

My parents had earmarked their money for the ceremony venue (can also be used for the reception venue, but I'm not sure we can bring in an outside cake, which makes it a lot less attractive in that way), my attire, the flowers, the cake, and about 30% of the meals at the reception. So I know they get a say in all those things. That being said ... you ever have someone in your life who there's no saying no to? My mom is one of those people. In this case, I think it's because I'm screaming "no" and she's choosing not to listen. For example, I was told to go buy silk flowers and she would pay me back and arrange them. I chose carefully. She told me the blooms were too big. Now it's not like I came back with those huge honking flowers from Hobby Lobby (though that would have quickly finished my bouquet), they're just bigger than she likes. And we are fighting to the floor over the length of my hair. No, I am not making that up. The. Length. Of. My. Hair. Which I have worn in a pixie cut since I was 13 (the shorter, the better!).

Very little of the money they were planning to spend has been spent, and I am definitely in a financial position where I can write them a check for all the money they've put down and get them out of my hair (for lack of a better term). But my parents view money as love - and the ultimate problem-solver. So say I budgeted $200 for all my attire, planning to pull things like my shoes and jewelry out of my closet (if possible) and put the rest toward a simple dress. They would view that as too small an amount (especially my mom) and would tell me I needed to spend more money. When I would refuse, they would up the budget out of their own pockets rather than listen to what I want. So writing that check would mean rejecting their love (from their point of view) and would be a major slight.

There's got to be a compromise point that happens before I end up crying in my mother's presence. So you are right. My mom's energy (and if possible any cash flow she still wants to put forth) need to be redirected. FI and I need to sit down together and replan this without their direct input right now. I need to not throw the ultimate temper tantrum and cancel everything without giving this one more fair try. And I probably do need to speak to my mother as little as I want to do that right now.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I anticipate this will be a long, hard road, but I hope for better.

Dignity100 · June 2014

Have you shown your mom any inspiration pictures? If not that might be helpful - maybe she's just having a hard time visualizing your vision (and because of that, it makes her vision better)? There are also other ways that you might be able to get to the bottom of what's going on:
Example- when you say 'Mom, I want a knee-length or tea-length gown' and your mom says 'No, you need a full length gown' - ask her 'Why do you think I need a full length gown?' - just ask it in a 'curious' manner and don't sound combative. I'm hoping she'll come back and say something like 'I never got all these things, and I regretted it' so then you can voice how it's your wedding and these things that you want really ARE what you want and you're not making those sacrafices.

KeptInStitches · June 2014

Yeah, I've shown her inspiration photos. My vision doesn't match her vision, and unfortunately, her vision seems to still be taking precedence.

The "Why do you think that?" method might be a good way to go with her, though. But ... she did have a huge, great big white wedding. I did tell her that's not what I want at all, but it doesn't seem to be getting through.

minskat30 · June 2014

@KeptinStitches - I'm sorry you are going through this. Honestly, wedding planning was stressful for me because I had to do it in 7 months (only time our venue that H loved was available before the prices jacked up to double for the spring) and my Dad was so sick. People left the planning to me which was both nice (no interference) and stressful (no real help). Can you remind her, in a nice way of course, that this day is supposed to be about the start of your new life with your FI and while you appreciate her ideas you think the process would be less stressful all around if you delegated 1-2 (at most) tasks to her that aren't dealbreakers to you if her vision doesn't match yours? That way she gets "control" over something but not everything. Not ideal but thought I would throw it out there as an idea.

KeptInStitches · June 2014

I tried to hand over invitations or something like that to her, but she wouldn't take them. I'm really at a loss for what to let her have control of. Right now we're redirecting her energies to researching venues, partly because it needs to be done and partly because she seems to have limitless free time.

BreMR · June 2014

I don't have any advice as I am about a minute into planning, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I feel like I'm a lot like you where I didn't want an elaborate affair, just wanted the end result of being married to my FI so my heart is breaking that even simple decisions are causing you strife.

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