What would you do?

alytn · June 2014

You're an over 45, first time bride-to-be. You inherited a gorgeous, rare, valuable round diamond years ago which was stolen and then recovered after a grueling court battle. It's been reset into a necklace and sees the light of day for special events. You have FINALLY met the man of your dreams who wants to marry you and the only material thing you ever had your heart set on is a beautiful, grown-up, princess cut diamond ring with great color/clarity but your fiance' has given you a budget that won't cover half of what your heart desires.

Do you:

Use your own diamond for the ring and have him buy a setting with a square halo and replace the necklace setting with another type of stone.
Make sure he's completely vested in this and buy a pre-owned diamond ring (still hard to find the ring of your dreams) within the budget.
Add to the budget without telling him (he didn't like that idea).

I'm so looking forward to seeing what YOU would do!

monkeysip · June 2014

This scenario bothers me. I'm not trying to sound judgmental, but I've never been so wrapped up in the idea of any particular engagement ring that I would do any of the above.

I don't get the "beautiful, grown-up" part of a princess cut diamond ring. Are other rings not beautiful or grown-up?

There's nothing wrong with using the current diamond in a new setting OR paying some of your own money to get the ring you want (there's no law that says the man has to buy the ring!).

BUT... for me personally, I would let my FI buy me whatever ring was closest to what I wanted and still fit within his budget.

I also don't get what being 45 or a first time bride has to do with anything. Does being older or a first time bride mean that you have to have a nicer ring?

ETA: I definitely would NOT add to the budget without telling him. I'm not even sure how you would do that. But I wouldn't be dishonest with my future husband.

alytn · June 2014

Monkey, I feel like I have to explain myself...I felt I missed out on ever having a ring, a wedding or a family (too late for that part). I am not materialistic but I have a dream which includes a princess cut diamond and if I was 25 I'd be able to upgrade later. My fiance has been married twice before and he isn't interested in being involved in the ring selection.

The options are ones that have been suggested to me and I feel exactly the same way about #3 as you do although I preferred not to give my own opinion quite yet. A store suggested I pay some up front and they invoice him the balance. I merely want to hear from people like me so thank you for your input. Let me add that this was meant to be all in fun.

monkeysip · June 2014

Obviously this is completely your decision. I don't think it's WRONG to want a nice ring. I can understand that. But if it's not possible, I hope that you can still just be happy that you're marrying the man of your dreams, even if it is a little later in life.

For the record, while I may have married at 26, I have no intention on upgrading. A lot of young brides doesn't upgrade their rings. The ring itself becomes special because it's the one that signifies your marriage, and your ring will be special to you no matter what it ends up being.

But I do hope you find something you like!

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

alytn said:

You're an over 45, first time bride-to-be. You inherited a gorgeous, rare, valuable round diamond years ago which was stolen and then recovered after a grueling court battle. It's been reset into a necklace and sees the light of day for special events. You have FINALLY met the man of your dreams who wants to marry you and the only material thing you ever had your heart set on is a beautiful, grown-up, princess cut diamond ring with great color/clarity but your fiance' has given you a budget that won't cover half of what your heart desires.

Do you:
Use your own diamond for the ring and have him buy a setting with a square halo and replace the necklace setting with another type of stone.
Make sure he's completely vested in this and buy a pre-owned diamond ring (still hard to find the ring of your dreams) within the budget.
Add to the budget without telling him (he didn't like that idea).
I'm so looking forward to seeing what YOU would do!

I'm with Monkey. This all sounds so weird and super entitled to me. FWIW, I would probably use the diamond you inherited so you can get more use out of it.

ShesSoCold · June 2014

4. Let go of this childish dream and go together to pick out a new ring within the budget.

Simply Fated · June 2014

The term "grown-up" is just mind boggling. WTF does that even mean in this ring context??

Part of being a grown up means understanding that you don't always get everything your heart desires.
I think it would be best if you accept what ever budget your fiance sets for you. The other options could really piss him off. Not to mention with the third option, you'd be decieving him.

Option 1 would be the best option out of the 3 so you can get more use out of it, although I don't like that you'd be making him buy things he might not agree to pay for.

phira · June 2014

Option 4: Act like a grown-up. You're not entitled to an engagement ring that's entirely out of the budget simply because it's the only material thing you've ever lusted after.

alytn · June 2014

I would never have hard feelings and he is worth everything! Just seeing if anyone has input on the actual options or other suggestions. I appreciate friendly responses.

I'm certainly not entitled (especially not Super). I never had anything given to me other than this one item that belonged to someone I love and lost. It's all I have of value besides the home I own that will be his, too. I appreciate the suggestion that I can get more use out of it if I use it in the ring, though. Thanks for following the neg with the suggestion.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

alytn said:

I would never have hard feelings and he is worth everything! Just seeing if anyone has input on the actual options or other suggestions. I appreciate friendly responses.

I'm certainly not entitled (especially not Super). I never had anything given to me other than this one item that belonged to someone I love and lost. It's all I have of value besides the home I own that will be his, too. I appreciate the suggestion that I can get more use out of it if I use it in the ring, though. Thanks for following the neg with the suggestion.

You're almost double my age and I am just floored how you don't realize how entitled your original post came off.

lilacck28 · June 2014

The other option is to trade in your diamond and use that towards a new diamond ring. You might not want to if there is sentimental value attached to it though, as you implied there was. Also... moissanite. I've never seen it in person, but it's supposed to be pretty clear, and sparklier than a diamond, plus much less expensive. Then you could probably get the size/ shape you wanted within your proposed current budget.

One other thing that bugged me though. In option two you said "make sure he is completely vested in this." Huh? you mean, you want him to prove he's vested in the relationship by plopping down some money on a ring? Didn't he show the "vested interest" metaphorically when he proposed to you? Did I misunderstand what you meant with that phrase?

lilacck28 · June 2014

ps- I wanted an oval diamond. My mom offered my fiance and I the use of her marquise diamond. It was a lovely diamond, and though not what I had initially envisioned, I changed my expectations. My fiance and I saved a lot of money, and I love this ring. If it were me, I would probably go with option number one or get a moissanite ring.

MairePoppy · June 2014

#1 You should mention the stone that you inherited to your fi. My guess is that he wouldn't mind resetting it for your engagement ring. If he doesn't like the idea, you should get a ring that he can afford and wear the necklace more often. #2 seems like you're desire for a nice diamond is more important than your fi feelings. Plus, I don't think you're going to find a ring that matches your criteria. #3 is downright dishonest, not exactly a nice symbol for your love for each other.

syoun1nj · June 2014

I would be reasonable and get what was in the budget.

FWIW, I have a beautiful, princess cut halo ring with pave band, in white gold. 1 ct center stone.

It was $900. Why? Because it's a moissanite center stone.

Starting a marriage on a dishonest note by secretly paying for part of it would be a terrible idea.

Letting him design a ring with your own stone seems like the best idea here. But it shouldn't come with a "but you might also buy me a new necklace" caveat.

This is all so strange.

alytn · June 2014

More meanness from Rebecca Flower. What you don't understand is a sense of humor. Maybe you will adopt one when you mature...but I doubt it.

Thank you lilacck28. There is huge sentimental value. It belonged to my grandmother and then I was burglarized from someone who was invited into my home and I had to fight for it and it was a long, hard, expensive proposition. The "vested" part, as all options, came from relatives and friends. This is why I've asked a community but seems more like judgy and bitchy girls so thank you for being kind about it.

I'm closing this post unless Ms Flower wants to insult me some more.

lilacck28 · June 2014

don't go! I'm curious about what you're going to decide! Leaning in a particular direction?

lilacck28 · June 2014

and, if you didn't get it from my first post, I think the "vested" idea stinks. If you want a different ring and decide to go the direction where he pays for it entirely, fine, but anyone suggesting that is necessary to prove love is either immature or not actually interested in love at all. I hope you told your friends and family that, or haven't let that nonsense influence you.

doeydo · June 2014

2 or 4 (let him pick out a ring within his budget).

Simply Fated · June 2014

alytn said:
More meanness from Rebecca Flower. What you don't understand is a sense of humor. Maybe you will adopt one when you mature...but I doubt it.

Thank you lilacck28. There is huge sentimental value. It belonged to my grandmother and then I was burglarized from someone who was invited into my home and I had to fight for it and it was a long, hard, expensive proposition. The "vested" part, as all options, came from relatives and friends. This is why I've asked a community but seems more like judgy and bitchy girls so thank you for being kind about it.

I'm closing this post unless Ms Flower wants to insult me some more.

Telling RamonaFlowers that SHE needs to be more matire while posting about how you would decieve your Fi so you can get a more expensive ring is incredibly hypocrital.
Someone in this thread should "grow-up" and to be perfectly blunt, it's you.
You should be more grateful your Fi wants to get you any ring at all.

MairePoppy · June 2014

AddieCake · June 2014

1. Nobody was mean. 2. You can't close a post. 3. I think I might be drunk again.

aurianna · June 2014

Since the others covered the etiquette, I'm going to hit on something that caught my attention in your OP.
Diamonds, more specifically the 4Cs. You made a comment about wanting "high clarity" so I'm almost wondering if you're really ready to go shopping for the diamonds.

Don't let jeweler con you into spending a bunch of money on clarity. For a princess, I'd go for a VS2. Maybe even an SI1 (though probably a VS2 if you're doing G color or better).
These will be eye clean. You will not be able to see the imperfections with the naked eye.
And I don't know about you, but I really did not want money that could have been put towards color/carats going towards something I wouldn't be able to see.

Cut is actually the stat that makes it sparkle. Go for a high quality cut and ditch the clarity. So excellent cut, VS2 clarity... pick the lowest color you think you'll be happy with... and whatever money is left goes towards the carats. (winning formula!)

Also... Are you married to the princess cut because you love the whole cut, or because you want it to be a square? If it's just the square you like, also look into Radiant Cuts. They're a modified brilliant so you can drop down to a an SI1 clarity with no issue, and it's going to glitter more than a princess. (but princess cuts are beautiful too. Just adding that in in case you'd never seen a radiant)

LDay2014 · June 2014

alytn said:

More meanness from Rebecca Flower. What you don't understand is a sense of humor. Maybe you will adopt one when you mature...but I doubt it.

Thank you lilacck28. There is huge sentimental value. It belonged to my grandmother and then I was burglarized from someone who was invited into my home and I had to fight for it and it was a long, hard, expensive proposition. The "vested" part, as all options, came from relatives and friends. This is why I've asked a community but seems more like judgy and bitchy girls so thank you for being kind about it.

I'm closing this post unless Ms Flower wants to insult me some more.

so, you're over 45 and still longing for material things that make you feel grown up?

you're 45...you shouldn't need things to feel grown up.

Honest answer, I'd use the diamond that you inherited since a) it's free b) it already has sentimental value c) is an heirloom that doesn't get much use.

A pretty/fancy/expensive ring does not a marriage make

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

First, congrats on getting married! Second, what caught my eye in your post was in regards to what your heart desires. Since your FI cannot afford what you desire, I would actually see if using the diamond you inherited in a new setting would work out. I'll just add that I think the wedding industry (as well as the diamond marketing industry) has really done a number on women in regards to engagement rings. I live in a major city and can't tell you how many massive, beautiful rings I see on my daily commute. It warps the mind, I tell ya! As far as my close friends go, particularly the ones that married younger and don't live in the city, their rings are far less flashy... but no less beautiful. I would recommend exploring your feelings about why your heart desires a certain kind of ring. Something so personal shouldn't be about measuring up, making a statement, or otherwise keeping up with the Joneses. Good luck!

alytn · June 2014

The gemologist who won my case for me advised no higher than SI1 and the jeweler's wife said she'd by happy with up to an I color. I've studied a lot on the 4 cs. I'm looking at Princess, Asscher and maybe even a sapphire.

To clarify to one mean girl, my fiance knows about the diamond and, possibly getting something to replace the setting it's in because my mother had it set into the necklace for me so it shouldn't be left empty. I also asked him if he minded if I paid for some of it and he said he didn't want me to and I have no intention of lying. A jeweler said that women pay towards their rings and have them bill the groom for the balance all the time. This is why I'm asking for opinions.

chibiyui · June 2014

@aurianna‌ has some great advice.

That said, you might want to also consider white sapphires or emeralds. Cheaper, still pretty. Besides, diamonds are only valuable due to effective marketing, they are quite common gemstones. They have great branding though, hence the outrageous mark ups.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

alytn said:

More meanness from Rebecca Flower. What you don't understand is a sense of humor. Maybe you will adopt one when you mature...but I doubt it.
Thank you lilacck28. There is huge sentimental value. It belonged to my grandmother and then I was burglarized from someone who was invited into my home and I had to fight for it and it was a long, hard, expensive proposition. The "vested" part, as all options, came from relatives and friends. This is why I've asked a community but seems more like judgy and bitchy girls so thank you for being kind about it.

I'm closing this post unless Ms Flower wants to insult me some more.

You know when people say something rude and then say 'just kidding.'... I feel like this is what OP is pulling. Like, oooh I'm going to be a sassafras about the perfect engagement ring because I deserve it but oh, I don't like your answer so I was being funny. Makes.zero.sense.

alytn · June 2014

thisismynickname, thank you for the nice post. My fiance can afford it but he has a number in mind and I have no intention of asking for more. He hasn't checked prices and he wants a boat. And, yes, there is pressure and the diamond industry has gotten very expensive. I have friends who has fabulous rings of 3+K. I don't need that. Nobody here has asked me what I want and, if they did, they'd realize that it's, basically, modest. I'm not unyielding; I guess it took me a long time to make a lifetime commitment and I want something I know I will live with forever but I'd consider anything I think is beautiful on my hand. After all, I'm going to be his 3rd wife but, for me it is the first and only wedding I plan to have. Maybe because he told me to pick it out is the reason I'm going around about it. He just doesn't like to shop.

lilacck28 · June 2014

If you told us the specs you were looking for and budget, maybe we'd have some good ideas of where you could find it. Also, check out pricescope.com. That's one of the main purposes of the website.

larrygaga · June 2014

How about accepting the ring he gives you and then buying your own big sparkler? The ring is a gift that means he wants to be with you and only you forever, not a status symbol, and the size does NOT relate to how much he loves you.

lilacck28 · June 2014

larrygaga said:

How about accepting the ring he gives you and then buying your own big sparkler? The ring is a gift that means he wants to be with you and only you forever, not a status symbol, and the size does NOT relate to how much he loves you.

OP said above that her fiance asked her to pick it out.

What would you do?

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