Bridesmaid purposely ordered the wrong size dress

KwajKenDean · June 2014

I am so distraught right now. My cousin ordered her dress 2 sizes too small. She believes she can lose 20# in the next 2 months. I don't even know what to do. She is a teenager so I asked her parents how they can let this happen because my wedding is NOT her weight loss program- there is a time for everything and my wedding isn't it. But her parents have this faith in her that I just don't have and actually got on me about not having it. My last word to them was that I'm not happy with this and the smart thing would've been to order her size (which is now sold out) and if she loses weight to get it taken in and I told them that the right size needs to be ordered. My aunt came to me later and said that if she doesn't lose the weight by end of July then she would order the right size dress. I don't even know what to do. Do I start thinking about a back up person? After all this is wedding season and dresses go fast. I don't understand how her parents allowed my wedding to become her "play ground". Any suggestions?

Jen4948 · June 2014

It's really not your business if your cousin needs to lose weight or not or whether or not your wedding or anything else is her motivation for doing so. That's strictly her problem.

All you need to worry about is that she shows up in a dress that fits her.

KatWAG · June 2014

No you do not need to start thinking of a back up person. Its horribly rude and tacky to demote or kick out a BM. If the BMs dress doesnt fit then its on her to figure something else out.

How about supporting her in her weight loss journey???

KatWAG · June 2014

KwajKenDean said:

I am so distraught right now. My cousin ordered her dress 2 sizes too small. She believes she can lose 20# in the next 2 months. I don't even know what to do. She is a teenager so I asked her parents how they can let this happen because my wedding is NOT her weight loss program- there is a time for everything and my wedding isn't it. But her parents have this faith in her that I just don't have and actually got on me about not having it. My last word to them was that I'm not happy with this and the smart thing would've been to order her size (which is now sold out) and if she loses weight to get it taken in and I told them that the right size needs to be ordered. My aunt came to me later and said that if she doesn't lose the weight by end of July then she would order the right size dress. I don't even know what to do. Do I start thinking about a back up person? After all this is wedding season and dresses go fast. I don't understand how her parents allowed my wedding to become her "play ground". Any suggestions?

JIC

KwajKenDean · June 2014

Jen4948 wrote: It's really not your business if your cousin needs to lose weight or not or whether or not your wedding or anything else is her motivation for doing so. That's strictly her problem. All you need to worry about is that she shows up in a dress that fits her. *I think there may have been some misunderstanding. From all of the reading I've done it's better to buy your size because if you lose weight it's easier to take it in then to buy it too small and hope to lose enough weight for it to fit. If I didn't like the size of my cousin, I wouldn't have asked her. That is not the case. I don't care what size she it. And while my wedding may have motivated her to do this, if it makes her happy fine, but at the end of the day if she doesn't fit the dress then what? That does become my problem because then I have to figure out what to do.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

KwajKenDean said:

I am so distraught right now. My cousin ordered her dress 2 sizes too small. She believes she can lose 20# in the next 2 months. I don't even know what to do. She is a teenager so I asked her parents how they can let this happen because my wedding is NOT her weight loss program- there is a time for everything and my wedding isn't it. But her parents have this faith in her that I just don't have and actually got on me about not having it. My last word to them was that I'm not happy with this and the smart thing would've been to order her size (which is now sold out) and if she loses weight to get it taken in and I told them that the right size needs to be ordered. My aunt came to me later and said that if she doesn't lose the weight by end of July then she would order the right size dress. I don't even know what to do. Do I start thinking about a back up person? After all this is wedding season and dresses go fast. I don't understand how her parents allowed my wedding to become her "play ground". Any suggestions?

NO! No no no. Never replace a BM, even if they take themselves out of the wedding for some reason. It treats your loved ones as props to be switched out for photos, not like real people.

Your aunt told you she will order the correct dress if your cousin doesn't lose the weight. Seems like the problem is out of your hands. The cousin is the one who will look silly if the dress doesn't fit, not you. Try not to worry about it.

KwajKenDean · June 2014

KatWAG said:

No you do not need to start thinking of a back up person. Its horribly rude and tacky to demote or kick out a BM. If the BMs dress doesnt fit then its on her to figure something else out.

How about supporting her in her weight loss journey???

I support her and I agree with you as far as kicking her out. Could I come up with another plan? Yes, but what is that plan? That's what I came here for - for advice on how to handle this.

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

This is out of your hands. If the dress doesn't fit, she needs to show up in a very similar dress in as close to the same color as possible.

The person, not the dress and photos, is what matters. This will all work out, don't worry!

Jen4948 · June 2014

KwajKenDean said:

Jen4948 wrote: It's really not your business if your cousin needs to lose weight or not or whether or not your wedding or anything else is her motivation for doing so. That's strictly her problem. All you need to worry about is that she shows up in a dress that fits her. *I think there may have been some misunderstanding. From all of the reading I've done it's better to buy your size because if you lose weight it's easier to take it in then to buy it too small and hope to lose enough weight for it to fit. If I didn't like the size of my cousin, I wouldn't have asked her. That is not the case. I don't care what size she it. And while my wedding may have motivated her to do this, if it makes her happy fine, but at the end of the day if she doesn't fit the dress then what? That does become my problem because then I have to figure out what to do.

Your aunt has said that at the end of the day, your cousin will have a dress that fits. So let it go.

KatWAG · June 2014

KwajKenDean said:

KatWAG said:

No you do not need to start thinking of a back up person. Its horribly rude and tacky to demote or kick out a BM. If the BMs dress doesnt fit then its on her to figure something else out.

How about supporting her in her weight loss journey???

I support her and I agree with you as far as kicking her out. Could I come up with another plan? Yes, but what is that plan? That's what I came here for - for advice on how to handle this.

(SITB)

The plan could be 2 things. If the dress doesnt fit (and cant be altered to fit) allow her to wear another dress. If you arent comfortable with that, then tell her to find the dress or she takes herself out of the wedding. If she does take herself out of the wedding, do NOT replace her.

KwajKenDean · June 2014

JCbride2015 said:

NO! No no no. Never replace a BM, even if they take themselves out of the wedding for some reason. It treats your loved ones as props to be switched out for photos, not like real people.

Your aunt told you she will order the correct dress if your cousin doesn't lose the weight. Seems like the problem is out of your hands. The cousin is the one who will look silly if the dress doesn't fit, not you. Try not to worry about it.

My aunt did tell me she would order the correct size at the end of July if she doesn't lose the weight. My concern is that her size is already sold out for all we know at the end of the month all of the dresses could be sold out. That happened to my girls who are wearing a different dress - it sold out. I know there is time, but that's why I came here for thinking out of the box advice. But what do I do at the end of July and she can't fit the dress. Are you telling me to let her still walk with a too small dress? That seems odd. What's the reason for that?

KatWAG · June 2014

The reason for that is because, its the person, not the dress that matters.

Jen4948 · June 2014

KwajKenDean said:

JCbride2015 said:

NO! No no no. Never replace a BM, even if they take themselves out of the wedding for some reason. It treats your loved ones as props to be switched out for photos, not like real people.

Your aunt told you she will order the correct dress if your cousin doesn't lose the weight. Seems like the problem is out of your hands. The cousin is the one who will look silly if the dress doesn't fit, not you. Try not to worry about it.

My aunt did tell me she would order the correct size at the end of July if she doesn't lose the weight. My concern is that her size is already sold out for all we know at the end of the month all of the dresses could be sold out. That happened to my girls who are wearing a different dress - it sold out. I know there is time, but that's why I came here for thinking out of the box advice. But what do I do at the end of July and she can't fit the dress. Are you telling me to let her still walk with a too small dress? That seems odd. What's the reason for that?

You do nothing. Your aunt has told you that at the end of July she will fit the dress.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

KwajKenDean said:

JCbride2015 said:

NO! No no no. Never replace a BM, even if they take themselves out of the wedding for some reason. It treats your loved ones as props to be switched out for photos, not like real people.

Your aunt told you she will order the correct dress if your cousin doesn't lose the weight. Seems like the problem is out of your hands. The cousin is the one who will look silly if the dress doesn't fit, not you. Try not to worry about it.

My aunt did tell me she would order the correct size at the end of July if she doesn't lose the weight. My concern is that her size is already sold out for all we know at the end of the month all of the dresses could be sold out. That happened to my girls who are wearing a different dress - it sold out. I know there is time, but that's why I came here for thinking out of the box advice. But what do I do at the end of July and she can't fit the dress. Are you telling me to let her still walk with a too small dress? That seems odd. What's the reason for that?

You do nothing. Your aunt has told you that at the end of July she will fit the dress.

This. You are freaking out over nothing. This is not something that you can control so you just need to let it go and freak out over something that you can control.

HaileyDancingbear · June 2014

Take a deep breath. You need to calm down, because this is a situation that is out of your control- so worrying doesn't do anything but stress you out.

I agree with you that it's obnoxious of your BM to order a dress that was too small, and that while making a healthy change in her lifestyle is a great thing, ordering the wrong size dress and using your wedding as a "Deadline" for her weight loss is a really stupid way to go about it. Frankly I don't see how that would even help her lose weight at all, in my experience losing weight isn't an overnight thing, and putting a deadline on your weight loss does nothing but cause unnecessary stress. And stress tends to make it even harder to lose weight. REALLY bad call on her part.

That said, you stressing out doesn't do anything but freak you out. Don't replace her, no matter what, because that's really rude to do.

But since your BM is the one who ordered a dress that is too small, let her and her family be the ones to deal with the problem- let them be the ones to stress over whether or not the dress will fit, you're not the one who decided a too small dress was the perfect weight loss motivation. A BM has one job- get the dress and show up wearing it. If she can't fit into her dress, or alter it, or order the correct size, then she has removed herself from the WP.

Either she shows up in the dress and is in your WP, or she removes herself from the WP. Relax and let her sort it out on her own.

KwajKenDean · June 2014

Thanks HaileyDancingbear. That was very comforting. Actually everything has been good. I am a control freak and a worrier, and I work really hard to not be that way sometimes though, I fail and this wedding thing makes it hard. I'm working on worrying and I know not to replace her, but can someone explain to me what it means to remove themselves. Do they actually ask to be taken out of the wedding or is it by "default". That confuses me. There is just so much etiquette with weddings. I try my best to keep up with it all, but once I think I know something, someone else says something differently about the same subject. So what is wrong or right?

Jen4948 · June 2014

KwajKenDean said:

Thanks HaileyDancingbear. That was very comforting. Actually everything has been good. I am a control freak and a worrier, and I work really hard to not be that way sometimes though, I fail and this wedding thing makes it hard. I'm working on worrying and I know not to replace her, but can someone explain to me what it means to remove themselves. Do they actually ask to be taken out of the wedding or is it by "default". That confuses me.

It happens by default. As long as a specified dress is within a bridesmaid's budget, once the bride designates it, the maid is obligated to obtain it and show up in it at the wedding on time, sober, and in good spirits. Those are really the only "obligations" any wedding party member has. If they don't even do that, then they have taken themselves out of the wedding. The bride or groom doesn't even have to say a word to them about it.

There is just so much etiquette with weddings. I try my best to keep up with it all, but once I think I know something, someone else says something differently about the same subject. So what is wrong or right?

lilacck28 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

KwajKenDean said:

\'m working on worrying and I know not to replace her, but can someone explain to me what it means to remove themselves. Do they actually ask to be taken out of the wedding or is it by "default". That confuses me.

It happens by default. As long as a specified dress is within a bridesmaid's budget, once the bride designates it, the maid is obligated to obtain it and show up in it at the wedding on time, sober, and in good spirits. Those are really the only "obligations" any wedding party member has. If they don't even do that, then they have taken themselves out of the wedding. The bride or groom doesn't even have to say a word to them about it.

So, I've given this piece of advice to brides as well. But... I was a bridesmaid for my cousin. She asked the bridesmaids to wear any short dress in one of two colors (light pink or copper). I had a hard time finding a dress, but I did. Her fiance's cousins were also bridesmaids. They both wore blue... turquoise and cobalt. Which were obviously NOT the options given, or even close. They clashed pretty badly. But they still walked down the aisle. She had already purchased flowers for them.

She had no idea they didn't get the right color until the day of the wedding. I know that my cousin (the bride) was angry, but she didn't say anything to them and they just acted like they didn't do anything wrong. How do you prevent that from happening other then saying to them when you see them on the morning of your wedding (what a pain!) "um, you're not in the right dress/ color. I'm sorry, but you can't walk down the aisle"? Or is this just the rudest two girls ever and no one else would ever be so freaking audacious? I was po'ed at them FOR my cousin!

BlackLace2015 · June 2014

well on the Brightside at least she made the effort to order it and not wait until the last minute? What if the size she needed after the lost the weight was sold out? Try not to be too hard on her.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

Really the only duty of a bridesmaid is to get the dress and show up. If she can't manage that, she's defaulted out of the wedding. No direct removal by you necessary.

No matter what else happens, DON'T ask a backup girl. It's horribly offensive, and will hurt the feelings of the person you ask (nobody likes being told they are sloppy seconds).

Japaha · June 2014

I see some commenters are really coming down on you, but I understand your situation and feel for you. If you're like me, you spent a lot of time trying to find a dress that fit your vision and looked flattering on all your girls. By getting a smaller dress size, she is potentially jeopardizing all your hard work. As a bridesmaid, she is there to support you and your vision for the day, not the other way around. She likely wasn't aware of the anxiety it may cause you as the bride. My bridesmaid explained that she bought the smaller size because she didn't want to pay extra to have it in a plus size, only to turn around and then pay a tailor to take in all the extra fabric. Which I can understand, but it was something I wish she'd talked to be about before ordering a size much smaller than what we'd agreed on. I'm glad your Aunt is willing to help out with a plan b for you. After talking to my bridesmaid, she agreed to change her order and bought a dress that is only one size smaller than her current weight, which I really appreciated.

Jen4948 · June 2014

Japaha said:

I see some commenters are really coming down on you, but I understand your situation and feel for you. If you're like me, you spent a lot of time trying to find a dress that fit your vision and looked flattering on all your girls. By getting a smaller dress size, she is potentially jeopardizing all your hard work. As a bridesmaid, she is there to support you and your vision for the day, not the other way around. She likely wasn't aware of the anxiety it may cause you as the bride. My bridesmaid explained that she bought the smaller size because she didn't want to pay extra to have it in a plus size, only to turn around and then pay a tailor to take in all the extra fabric. Which I can understand, but it was something I wish she'd talked to be about before ordering a size much smaller than what we'd agreed on. I'm glad your Aunt is willing to help out with a plan b for you. After talking to my bridesmaid, she agreed to change her order and bought a dress that is only one size smaller than her current weight, which I really appreciated.

Sorry, but she is there to support the act of getting married-not to support anyone's "vision for the day." It does not justify treating anyone like crap.

The OP's aunt has said that she is willing to cover the cost for the bridesmaid to have a fitting dress, so the fact that the bridesmaid wants to use the wedding as motivation to lose weight is nobody's business but her own.

Japaha · June 2014

I don't see how OP has treated her bridesmaid like crap. In fact, to avoid hurt feelings, she spoke to her parents as it is a sensitive issue. OP was simply asking for advice on the scenario.

I think we just have different understanding/expectation of a bridesmaid, and that's okay. I suppose I should have stated that they aren't obligated to "support my vision" but I assume that they do because otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to spend money on a dress they'll likely never wear again.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Japaha said:

I don't see how OP has treated her bridesmaid like crap. In fact, to avoid hurt feelings, she spoke to her parents as it is a sensitive issue. OP was simply asking for advice on the scenario.

I think we just have different understanding/expectation of a bridesmaid, and that's okay. I suppose I should have stated that they aren't obligated to "support my vision" but I assume that they do because otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to spend money on a dress they'll likely never wear again.

No, they don't buy the dress that they will most likely never wear again because they "support your vision." They buy the dress because they know that you like and they want to make you happy. They really don't care about your vision, but rather they care about you and want to make you happy.

Japaha · June 2014

They are purchasing a dress that they will be wearing with their own money because it will make me happy. To me that's an example of supporting my vision.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Japaha said:

They are purchasing a dress that they will be wearing with their own money because it will make me happy. To me that's an example of supporting my vision.

No, they are two different things. They could hate your vision and your color scheme and even the dress that you picked. But they wear it because they love you...not because they love you vision or support your vision choices.

I wore a dress that I hated and that was hideous and I absolutely hated the color scheme and "vision" for the wedding. But I wore it because that is what my friend wanted. I love her, not her vision.

Japaha · June 2014

Gotcha. I guess I just have a different definition of support. To me, as long as I make an effort to help an individual achieve a goal, I feel as though I've supported them, even if I don't agree with their goal. Ie..letting a sibling borrow my car to visit their long distance SO I'm not a fan of.

KwajKenDean · June 2014

Japaha said:

I see some commenters are really coming down on you, but I understand your situation and feel for you. If you're like me, you spent a lot of time trying to find a dress that fit your vision and looked flattering on all your girls. By getting a smaller dress size, she is potentially jeopardizing all your hard work. As a bridesmaid, she is there to support you and your vision for the day, not the other way around. She likely wasn't aware of the anxiety it may cause you as the bride. My bridesmaid explained that she bought the smaller size because she didn't want to pay extra to have it in a plus size, only to turn around and then pay a tailor to take in all the extra fabric. Which I can understand, but it was something I wish she'd talked to be about before ordering a size much smaller than what we'd agreed on. I'm glad your Aunt is willing to help out with a plan b for you. After talking to my bridesmaid, she agreed to change her order and bought a dress that is only one size smaller than her current weight, which I really appreciated.

Thanks. Yea, some of them can be harsh, but I take it with a grain of salt - to each his own. I am happy that my aunt is willing to do a plan b, but trust me when I say it wasn't easy. At the end of the day there is only one way for their daughter-hers.

KwajKenDean · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

Japaha said:

I see some commenters are really coming down on you, but I understand your situation and feel for you. If you're like me, you spent a lot of time trying to find a dress that fit your vision and looked flattering on all your girls. By getting a smaller dress size, she is potentially jeopardizing all your hard work. As a bridesmaid, she is there to support you and your vision for the day, not the other way around. She likely wasn't aware of the anxiety it may cause you as the bride. My bridesmaid explained that she bought the smaller size because she didn't want to pay extra to have it in a plus size, only to turn around and then pay a tailor to take in all the extra fabric. Which I can understand, but it was something I wish she'd talked to be about before ordering a size much smaller than what we'd agreed on. I'm glad your Aunt is willing to help out with a plan b for you. After talking to my bridesmaid, she agreed to change her order and bought a dress that is only one size smaller than her current weight, which I really appreciated.

Sorry, but she is there to support the act of getting married-not to support anyone's "vision for the day." It does not justify treating anyone like crap.

The OP's aunt has said that she is willing to cover the cost for the bridesmaid to have a fitting dress, so the fact that the bridesmaid wants to use the wedding as motivation to lose weight is nobody's business but her own.

I have to agree with both of you. I haven't treated anyone like crap. As for using anyone's wedding for a motivation to lose weight - I don't have a problem with that, if it was 6 to 12 months before the wedding and I hadn't picked the dress out and she had an ample and realistic amount of time to lose 20#s. But it's 3 months before she just got her dress and decided to get a smaller size she doesn't have a full 3 months to lose weight she has about 2. I've listened to everyone on here and I'll be honest, I wasn't above kicking her out family or not, but I'm not because I understand that is not the right thing to do, but there is a time and place for everything and 2 months before my wedding (in my mind) is not the time nor the place.

hanckypanky · June 2014

20lbs in 2 months is a lot and I'd be more concerned about her health than anything. Especially a teen girl who might choose a crash diet or unsafe food restriction.

beethery · June 2014

hanckypanky said:

20lbs in 2 months is a lot and I'd be more concerned about her health than anything. Especially a teen girl who might choose a crash diet or unsafe food restriction.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Bridesmaid purposely ordered the wrong size dress

Re: Bridesmaid purposely ordered the wrong size dress

Choose Another Board

Search Boards