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Help! When is it okay to get officially engaged?!

ashleylynn14ashleylynn14 member
Third Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Please help. My (soon-to-be) fiance and I have been talking about getting engaged for quite some time. Last year, my sister and her fiance got engaged and the wedding will be in May 2015. We have been talking about having our wedding in December 2015 or January/Feb 2016. I do not know exactly when we will make it "official" but I do know that my fiance plans to talk to my parents beforehand.

Anyway, how long should we wait before making it official so as not to take away my sister's shine? Do we have to wait until after she's married and push our ideal date out? What is the proper procedure here??
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Re: Help! When is it okay to get officially engaged?!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    If you are talking about getting married, you are "officially engaged" whether or not you are actively planning a wedding.

    Congratulations and best wishes!
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    There's no such thing as stealing someone's "shine". Get engaged when you want to. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    You should give your sister at least a week of being engaged before announcing yours. Since you're at over 5 months go right ahead! Just don't announce it at her shower or something.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    As long as you do not officially announce your engagement at your sister's wedding, shower, or other pre wedding party for her you will not take away her shine. As long as your wedding date is not the same as her wedding, and it works with the schedule of all your VIPs than you're good. She gets one day, you get one day as well.

    You can get engaged after her and married before her. My sister got engaged first, had a year long engagement. I got engaged and then married 8 months later - one month before her wedding. She didn't mind one bit - we were both blissfully happy with our spouses and equally happy for each other. :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • gothic_fairy60gothic_fairy60 member
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    Everyone gets one day. Not a year, a day. As long as you do not get married on the same day, you can get engaged or married whenever you would like.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
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    Disagree.You are officially engaged when you decide to be. If you don't consider yourself engaged until a certain point, whether that's telling your parents, deciding on a date, or down on one knee and a sparkler, I'm not sure anyone else gets to impose "being engaged" on a couple.
     Darling, this is exactly what I meant, so I don't know what the fuck you are "disagreeing" about.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
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    The OP refers to her "soon to be FI" which made it sound to me like she does not consider herself engaged yet. I have no idea why you are cursing at me about this but it seems grossly out of proportion to my civil comment.
    Sorry, but in fact, I don't agree with you that I'm "imposing being engaged" on someone.  If two people are talking about getting married, it does not make sense to consider them "not engaged" simply because there hasn't been a proposal with a ring on bended knee or whatever else it takes for them to consider themselves "engaged."  They're imposing it on themselves because they think they're going to get married.  Thinking one is going to marry and being "engaged" are the same thing-the only differences are semantics.
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
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    Jen4948 said:
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    Sorry, but in fact, I don't agree with you that I'm "imposing being engaged" on someone.  If two people are talking about getting married, it does not make sense to consider them "not engaged" simply because there hasn't been a proposal with a ring on bended knee or whatever else it takes for them to consider themselves "engaged."  They're imposing it on themselves because they think they're going to get married.  Thinking one is going to marry and being "engaged" are the same thing-the only differences are semantics.
    Umm, why are you so insistent on labeling other people's relationships?  This is seriously just as rude as the couples who don't invite SO's because they aren't "serious".  

    Personally, I think the "almost engaged" or "engaged to be engaged" or whatever variation of the label is silly, but it in no way effects me.  Unlike being married (a legal definition), there are no hard and fast rules regarding when one is engaged or not.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • phiraphira member
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    I think that, "If you are talking about getting married, then you're engaged" is what people are disagreeing with.
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  • annathy03annathy03 member
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    aurianna said:
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    If you've decided you're getting married and are planning your wedding, you are engaged. Congratulations!

    You are allowed to announce your engagement any time you want. It sounds like you want to wait until your FI talks to your parents / there is a traditional proposal, which is totally fine.

    The thing about weddings is that you get one day. Your sister's one day is next May.
    Your engagement has nothing to do with hers, so you're free to announce it whenever you want! If she's a good sister she will be happy for you.

    You're talking about having your wedding 6+ months apart, which is plenty of time, IMO. (ETA: Heck, a month apart would be ok too if it worked for the VIPs)
    And your sister announced her engagement last year so she's had plenty of time to bask in it. It's your turn!!

    It's sweet that you're concerned about your sister's feelings, but you're an adult that can get engaged whenever you want to. And as you're planning a wedding several months afterwards, it shouldn't be a problem.

    Be happy for each other! Enjoy this time.
    All of this.  As long as you don't announce at her shower/bachelorette/etc, you're not stealing any shine from your sister.  It's very considerate of you to plan for your wedding to be 6 months after hers, but it wouldn't be rude to have it closer.  Heck my sister got married the day after me, and it didn't steal "my shine" at all.  I had my day and she had hers, and they were both perfect for each of us.

    Congratulations!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I think we interpreted "talking about" differently.  But I still think that if you consider yourselves seriously "talking about" getting married, then you don't need a proposal, ring, etc. to be considered engaged.  There may never be a proposal on bended knee, the ring of your dreams, etc.  You're still a social unit though.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    Jen4948 said:
    I think we interpreted "talking about" differently.  But I still think that if you consider yourselves seriously "talking about" getting married, then you don't need a proposal, ring, etc. to be considered engaged.  There may never be a proposal on bended knee, the ring of your dreams, etc.  You're still a social unit though.
    Jen, I appreciate a great deal of your comments, but sometimes I feel like I need a special ring decoder to understand some of your comments. 

    But yes, we must be interpreting things differently...
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited June 2014
    photokitty said:
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    Jen, I appreciate a great deal of your comments, but sometimes I feel like I need a special ring decoder to understand some of your comments. 

    But yes, we must be interpreting things differently...
    I think everyone here feels that way about everyone else sometimes.  My own situation is like this because I talk about getting married with my BF, so I guess he is really my FI, but neither of us has "proposed" or exchanged rings or announced that we are "engaged."
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Jen4948 said:

    I think we interpreted "talking about" differently.  But I still think that if you consider yourselves seriously "talking about" getting married, then you don't need a proposal, ring, etc. to be considered engaged.  There may never be a proposal on bended knee, the ring of your dreams, etc.  You're still a social unit though.

    I think if you consider yourself engaged with out a proposal or ring that is fantastic and it would be completely ridiculous for anyone to second guess you. But if someone else , personally, needs that to consider herself engaged, I think that's also fine.


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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Cookie Pusher said:
    FI and I have been together over 12 years. We casually talked about our future together and what kinds of things we'd want for a wedding starting a few months after we started dating. He mentioned saving for a ring after about 2.5 years of dating (life got in the way and it didn't happen at that point). For the 10+ years before he actually ASKED me to marry him, we were not engaged. We weren't even engaged to be engaged or whatever other label people use. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't become engaged until we both agreed we were engaged.
    Hey, life twin.  This is exactly our situation.  Fi and I have known we were going to get married for probably around 10 years.  But never considered ourselves engaged until there was actually a proposal and a ring and we were both ready to be publicly engaged.  And I only ever called him my BF (or sometimes partner) until then.  Never "engaged to be engaged" or any of that.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    Cookie Pusher said:
    FI and I have been together over 12 years. We casually talked about our future together and what kinds of things we'd want for a wedding starting a few months after we started dating. He mentioned saving for a ring after about 2.5 years of dating (life got in the way and it didn't happen at that point). For the 10+ years before he actually ASKED me to marry him, we were not engaged. We weren't even engaged to be engaged or whatever other label people use. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't become engaged until we both agreed we were engaged.
    We were kind of this way too.  Started dating in high school, and even "talked" about marriage (no way in heck were we actually going to get married so soon, but just young-love kind of dreaming).

    Around our 8th year of dating, we actually started throwing dates around and H started talking about buying a ring.  6 months later, he formally proposed.  We always wanted to get married, but we didn't consider ourselves officially engaged until the proposal because we wanted to be able to officially set a date and start planning the wedding at that point.  

    But it doesn't matter to me when others want to consider themselves engaged.  I don't think you have to have a ring, an official proposal, or anything else like that to be "officially engaged"

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  • ScoutFScoutF member
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    Jen4948 said:
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    I think everyone here feels that way about everyone else sometimes.  My own situation is like this because I talk about getting married with my BF, so I guess he is really my FI, but neither of us has "proposed" or exchanged rings or announced that we are "engaged."
    Well, by your own logic you are officially engaged. Congrats!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    ScoutF said:
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    Well, by your own logic you are officially engaged. Congrats!

    Thanks
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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
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    I see being engaged as a commitment to getting married.  My FI and talked about getting married for years before getting engaged.  But it was mostly discussion of whether or not we wanted/should get married.  We chose to not commit to getting married until FI formally asked.  However, I think focusing on the decision to get married and not on a ring is a good step. 
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  • doeydodoeydo member
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    photokitty said:
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    Jen, I appreciate a great deal of your comments, but sometimes I feel like I need a special ring decoder to understand some of your comments. 

    But yes, we must be interpreting things differently...
    This made me chuckle a little, reminded me of A Christmas Story.
    image
    image
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    From Merriam Webster:
    en·gaged adjective \in-ˈgājd, en-\
    : promised to be married

    : busy with some activity


    So, unless both parties consider themselves engaged and came to an agreement about it, I really don't see how they can be engaged.
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