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Wedding Guest Issues Concerning Children

We are having a small, elegant, intimate wedding with 25 people. It is an adults only occasion and this has been communicated to the guests. My fiancé's good friend from out of town just called to say that they are unable to find anyone to keep their young children and might need to bring them. If not, they cannot attend. My fiancé, of course, told him that he wanted him to be there no matter what. I am extremely anti-children. Everyone attending the wedding knows this about me. I do not want children at our wedding. Any suggestions or advice?
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Re: Wedding Guest Issues Concerning Children

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    First things first, you and your FI need to get on the same page. You both clearly feel very strongly, and what you both really want are conflicting with each other. Would your FI's friend be open to allowing you/your FI to arrange for childcare for them, so that they can attend child-free?
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    I think your only option at this point is to offer childcare. However, this should have been something that was already discussed between the two of you!
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    Now that your fiance has told them he can bring them, you need to allow them to be there. And you could offer child care, but they don't have to take you up on it. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    If I were your FI, I would be pretty pissed if my future spouse thought not having any children at the wedding trumped me having one of my good friends there. You're entitled to your opinion, but it sounds like your FI really wants his friends at his wedding, and he already invited them.  I think this is something you just have to let go.
    I'm totally with this. I think you're out of line. Plus, he already invited them so you will look like a total bitch if you make an issue of it. I don't understand how a couple kids can cause you to be so hostile. 



    SITB-
    I agree. The hostility is totally baffling me.
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    If both you and your FI agreed to a child-free wedding, I definitely think it was wrong of him to an extend an invite to the kids. 

    I don't know if there's much you can do at this point. He's already told his friend he can bring his kids. Short of hiring a babysitter for them, I don't have much advice. It looks like you might just have to suck it up and accept that this guy's kids will be there. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    The FI "wanting his friend to be there no matter what" is one thing, but that doesn't in and of itself mean that he actually extended an invitation to the children.

    I have to agree with Maggie that his making a unilateral decision to invite kids without discussing it with the OP is wrong.  I don't think that makes her a horrible person for not wanting there to be kids at her wedding either.  Whether or not anyone "understands" her feelings towards kids is besides the point-she always had the right to not invite them regardless of how she feels about kids.  

    That said, if it's really important to your FI that his friend be at your wedding and it's really important to you that his kids not be there, you can recommend babysitting-although I'm sure many posters here will say that they'd never leave their kids with a stranger.  Is there anyone in your area that your friend knows who could babysit his kids if necessary?
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    The concern I'd have if I were OP is that now these two kids may come, and the other 23 guests are going to wonder what makes them more important than their children.

    If OP and her FI decided to have a child free wedding, "whatever it takes" could absolutely mean providing childcare, but I would be pissed at FI for implying we'd allow his friends children without talking to me about it.
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    I think any hostility expressed in OP thread is due to her FI disregarding her feelings and not so much that there will be children present. 

    It may seem like a minute issue of children being present at a wedding but in reality the issue is OP's feelings were not considered. 

    Not to mention, what will other couples say now if they see children present at the wedding but were not allowed to invite their own? As a guest, I would be either pissed or hurt.

    As PPs have advised, offer to assist with providing childcare so FI's friend can attend. 
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    Offer childcare, acknowledge that children aren't the apocalypse, get over it.



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    ohannabelle said:

    (Yes, some people "hate" children. I feel the same way about that as when people say they "hate" old people, or young people, or they "hate" women, or men, or any other random group of human beings. I don't like hateful people. Choosing not to have children at a party doesn't equal hatred. But feeling "downright hate" towards any group of people pretty much fits my definition of a horrible person.) I agree with everything you said in this post, but, I think this portion regarding her use of the word, 'hate' is merely a semantics issue. We don't know if OP literally
    hates children. We just know she is pissed that her wishes were not respected by FI (and hell, we don't even know that really either which may be more of an assumption on my part).

    But, I think you point a very good issue of just throwing such strong words around as if they are meaningless. Hate is a not an emotion to be taken lightly and throwing the word around appears as though one may doing so. 
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    No, the OP never said hate. Somebody else did, somewhere up there.  Maybe Maggie? I think. 

    The Op said "extremely anti-children" which could mean anything from generally intolerant of, or only at dinner parties, or wanting to give them all exploding balloons and arsenic candy. Who knows? 

    I think this might have rubbed people the wrong way. The "extremely anti children" thing. If she had left that out, and just focused on that it was an adult only occasion, people might have answered differently. I wouldn't have suggested bear traps. ;) 
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    The one thing that I would be very worried about would be other friends or family members potentially being upset because they did arrange childcare for their children. OP, do you have people traveling in from out of town without their kids? If so, that opens up the potential for some hurt feelings...
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    perdonami said:
    I think any hostility expressed in OP thread is due to her FI disregarding her feelings and not so much that there will be children present. 

    It may seem like a minute issue of children being present at a wedding but in reality the issue is OP's feelings were not considered. 

    Not to mention, what will other couples say now if they see children present at the wedding but were not allowed to invite their own? As a guest, I would be either pissed or hurt.

    As PPs have advised, offer to assist with providing childcare so FI's friend can attend. 
    out of town guests are sometimes cut some slack. Most people understand that
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    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
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    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
    Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.  
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    Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
    Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.  
    But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter.  You would just decline the invitation.  That's not what these people did.

    And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem.  It's their own.
    But the groom basically told them that they can bring the kids. He did not say "we will find a sitter for you". So now the kids are invited, period. They are not invited with the condition that they be whisked away to another room with a stranger. 

    If I told someone the reason I wasn't attending was because I didn't have childcare and they told me I could go ahead and bring my child I would assume that meant my child was now invited. I would be very upset if I got there and was informed my child had to go with a stranger and I would not comply. If I had know that was the terms of my child being invited I would have just stayed home. 
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    Of course I will not force the child care on them, but kindly offer it and just move forward. As many of you have pointed out, there is nothing to do but accept it.  My fiancé's happiness means more than anything else. 

    SITB

    OP, kudos to you for taking everyone's advice in stride and putting your FI's feelings ahead of yours. It's ok that you don't have a maternal bone in your body, and it's great that you also aren't planning to poison children. Stick around here, and you'll eventually get used to the very straight-forward nature of this forum--something most of us appreciate from each other! One last piece of advice: if your username is your full name, I'd PM @KnotPorscha and have her change it. The internet is full of crazy people.
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    Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
    Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.  
    But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter.  You would just decline the invitation.  That's not what these people did.

    And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem.  It's their own.
    Regardless, they may refuse to use a random sitter.  The OP cannot force them to use the sitter.  The invitation has now been extended to the children, and OP needs to deal with it.



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    Viczaesar said:
    Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
    Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.  
    But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter.  You would just decline the invitation.  That's not what these people did.

    And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem.  It's their own.
    Regardless, they may refuse to use a random sitter.  The OP cannot force them to use the sitter.  The invitation has now been extended to the children, and OP needs to deal with it.
    So they'll decline.  It's always been said here that no sitter needs to be hired, but no children have to be accepted either.
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