Wedding Guest Issues Concerning Children

jamiegianmarco · June 2014

We are having a small, elegant, intimate wedding with 25 people. It is an adults only occasion and this has been communicated to the guests. My fiancé's good friend from out of town just called to say that they are unable to find anyone to keep their young children and might need to bring them. If not, they cannot attend. My fiancé, of course, told him that he wanted him to be there no matter what. I am extremely anti-children. Everyone attending the wedding knows this about me. I do not want children at our wedding. Any suggestions or advice?

JellyBean52513 · June 2014

First things first, you and your FI need to get on the same page. You both clearly feel very strongly, and what you both really want are conflicting with each other. Would your FI's friend be open to allowing you/your FI to arrange for childcare for them, so that they can attend child-free?

mysticl · June 2014

jamiegianmarco said:

We are having a small, elegant, intimate wedding with 25 people. It is an adults only occasion and this has been communicated to the guests. My fiancé's good friend from out of town just called to say that they are unable to find anyone to keep their young children and might need to bring them. If not, they cannot attend. My fiancé, of course, told him that he wanted him to be there no matter what. I am extremely anti-children. Everyone attending the wedding knows this about me. I do not want children at our wedding. Any suggestions or advice?

Well, your FI has extended an invitation to the children so I don't really think there is much you can do about it. The real issue here is that your FI did something that goes against something you apparently feel incredibly strongly about.

larrygaga · June 2014

I think your only option at this point is to offer childcare. However, this should have been something that was already discussed between the two of you!

Vivandiere8 · June 2014

You have to remember that this wedding is for both of you, and both of your desires are to be considered equally. You would rather people didn't come than bring their children, and your fiance wold rather they brought them than stayed away. The degree to which you are anti-children might be the same degree to which your fiance would want his friend there. In your married life you are going to come across many situations where you will need to compromise, or even out right give in to the other person's wishes because what you both want is opposite.

The fact that he already told them they can bring the kids... I don't think it would be right to go back to them and say, "never mind". From here I would look to see if there is some other option if you really feel the kids being there will ruin the night. For example perhaps a friend in the area knows a good sitter. I know some people don't like to leave their kids with strangers, but if it's something like "This is the sitter my Aunt Mary uses all the time..." or "It's the older daughter of my maid of honor..." they might go for that idea

AddieCake · June 2014

Now that your fiance has told them he can bring them, you need to allow them to be there. And you could offer child care, but they don't have to take you up on it.

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

If I were your FI, I would be pretty pissed if my future spouse thought not having any children at the wedding trumped me having one of my good friends there. You're entitled to your opinion, but it sounds like your FI really wants his friends at his wedding, and he already invited them. I think this is something you just have to let go.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

If I were your FI, I would be pretty pissed if my future spouse thought not having any children at the wedding trumped me having one of my good friends there. You're entitled to your opinion, but it sounds like your FI really wants his friends at his wedding, and he already invited them. I think this is something you just have to let go.

I'm totally with this. I think you're out of line. Plus, he already invited them so you will look like a total bitch if you make an issue of it. I don't understand how a couple kids can cause you to be so hostile.

ashley8918 · June 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

huskypuppy14 said:

If I were your FI, I would be pretty pissed if my future spouse thought not having any children at the wedding trumped me having one of my good friends there. You're entitled to your opinion, but it sounds like your FI really wants his friends at his wedding, and he already invited them. I think this is something you just have to let go.

I'm totally with this. I think you're out of line. Plus, he already invited them so you will look like a total bitch if you make an issue of it. I don't understand how a couple kids can cause you to be so hostile.

SITB-
I agree. The hostility is totally baffling me.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

If I were your FI, I would be pretty pissed if my future spouse thought not having any children at the wedding trumped me having one of my good friends there. You're entitled to your opinion, but it sounds like your FI really wants his friends at his wedding, and he already invited them. I think this is something you just have to let go.

I am half and half on this. I am going to assume that both the bride and her FI had agreed to a no kids wedding. FI took it upon himself to invite two children without discussing it with the bride. That is not okay. They had agreed on something but then he took it upon himself to ignore what they agreed upon just so he could have his way by having his friend attend the wedding. I get wanting your friend at the wedding but I don't think it was right for him to extend an invitation to his friends kids without discussing it with the bride first.

Also, some people just down right hate kids and that does not make them a horrible person. She expressed this feeling to her FI and instead of discussing this issue with her he just made a final decision on his own.

ohannabelle · June 2014

I think you should destroy the children. All children. Maybe arsenic, or bear traps. Exploding balloons, maybe. Everything's ruined now, anyway.

Seriously, let it go. Your fiancé has invited them, you can't force him to rescind an invitation. Nobody's going to expect you to babysit. On the 1-10 scale of wedding tragedy, this isn't even a zero.

climbingsingle · June 2014

If both you and your FI agreed to a child-free wedding, I definitely think it was wrong of him to an extend an invite to the kids.

I don't know if there's much you can do at this point. He's already told his friend he can bring his kids. Short of hiring a babysitter for them, I don't have much advice. It looks like you might just have to suck it up and accept that this guy's kids will be there.

Jen4948 · June 2014

The FI "wanting his friend to be there no matter what" is one thing, but that doesn't in and of itself mean that he actually extended an invitation to the children.

I have to agree with Maggie that his making a unilateral decision to invite kids without discussing it with the OP is wrong. I don't think that makes her a horrible person for not wanting there to be kids at her wedding either. Whether or not anyone "understands" her feelings towards kids is besides the point-she always had the right to not invite them regardless of how she feels about kids.

That said, if it's really important to your FI that his friend be at your wedding and it's really important to you that his kids not be there, you can recommend babysitting-although I'm sure many posters here will say that they'd never leave their kids with a stranger. Is there anyone in your area that your friend knows who could babysit his kids if necessary?

annathy03 · June 2014

The concern I'd have if I were OP is that now these two kids may come, and the other 23 guests are going to wonder what makes them more important than their children.

If OP and her FI decided to have a child free wedding, "whatever it takes" could absolutely mean providing childcare, but I would be pissed at FI for implying we'd allow his friends children without talking to me about it.

perdonami · June 2014

I think any hostility expressed in OP thread is due to her FI disregarding her feelings and not so much that there will be children present.

It may seem like a minute issue of children being present at a wedding but in reality the issue is OP's feelings were not considered.

Not to mention, what will other couples say now if they see children present at the wedding but were not allowed to invite their own? As a guest, I would be either pissed or hurt.

As PPs have advised, offer to assist with providing childcare so FI's friend can attend.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

Offer childcare, acknowledge that children aren't the apocalypse, get over it.

ohannabelle · June 2014

I agree that the fiancé was completely out of line. I don't disagree with adult only occasions, and have happily excluded my own children from many. It's rude to ask if your children can be included when you've been invited to a grown up party of any kind. And yes, it puts everyone in an awkward situation, And that's not the OP's fault.

Regardless, that ship sailed. The kids were invited. Her fiancé has the option of picking up the phone, and explaining that he thoughtlessly went ahead and invited children without considering how it would offend other family members and friends (which is rude at worst and awkward at best) or she can live with it gracefully. Offer child care, and try to survive the catastrophe if the answer is no.

(Yes, some people "hate" children. I feel the same way about that as when people say they "hate" old people, or young people, or they "hate" women, or men, or any other random group of human beings. I don't like hateful people. Choosing not to have children at a party doesn't equal hatred. But feeling "downright hate" towards any group of people pretty much fits my definition of a horrible person.)

perdonami · June 2014

ohannabelle said:

(Yes, some people "hate" children. I feel the same way about that as when people say they "hate" old people, or young people, or they "hate" women, or men, or any other random group of human beings. I don't like hateful people. Choosing not to have children at a party doesn't equal hatred. But feeling "downright hate" towards any group of people pretty much fits my definition of a horrible person.) I agree with everything you said in this post, but, I think this portion regarding her use of the word, 'hate' is merely a semantics issue. We don't know if OP literally hates children. We just know she is pissed that her wishes were not respected by FI (and hell, we don't even know that really either which may be more of an assumption on my part).

But, I think you point a very good issue of just throwing such strong words around as if they are meaningless. Hate is a not an emotion to be taken lightly and throwing the word around appears as though one may doing so.

ohannabelle · June 2014

No, the OP never said hate. Somebody else did, somewhere up there. Maybe Maggie? I think.

The Op said "extremely anti-children" which could mean anything from generally intolerant of, or only at dinner parties, or wanting to give them all exploding balloons and arsenic candy. Who knows?

I think this might have rubbed people the wrong way. The "extremely anti children" thing. If she had left that out, and just focused on that it was an adult only occasion, people might have answered differently. I wouldn't have suggested bear traps.

sarals24 · June 2014

The one thing that I would be very worried about would be other friends or family members potentially being upset because they did arrange childcare for their children. OP, do you have people traveling in from out of town without their kids? If so, that opens up the potential for some hurt feelings...

indianaalum · June 2014

perdonami said:

I think any hostility expressed in OP thread is due to her FI disregarding her feelings and not so much that there will be children present.

It may seem like a minute issue of children being present at a wedding but in reality the issue is OP's feelings were not considered.

Not to mention, what will other couples say now if they see children present at the wedding but were not allowed to invite their own? As a guest, I would be either pissed or hurt.

As PPs have advised, offer to assist with providing childcare so FI's friend can attend.

out of town guests are sometimes cut some slack. Most people understand that

jamiegianmarco · June 2014

I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

mysticl · June 2014

jamiegianmarco said:

I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.

Jen4948 · June 2014

mysticl said:

jamiegianmarco said:

I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.

But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter. You would just decline the invitation. That's not what these people did.

And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem. It's their own.

mysticl · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

jamiegianmarco said:

I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.

But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter. You would just decline the invitation. That's not what these people did.

And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem. It's their own.

But the groom basically told them that they can bring the kids. He did not say "we will find a sitter for you". So now the kids are invited, period. They are not invited with the condition that they be whisked away to another room with a stranger.

If I told someone the reason I wasn't attending was because I didn't have childcare and they told me I could go ahead and bring my child I would assume that meant my child was now invited. I would be very upset if I got there and was informed my child had to go with a stranger and I would not comply. If I had know that was the terms of my child being invited I would have just stayed home.

jamiegianmarco · June 2014

Of course I will not force the child care on them, but kindly offer it and just move forward. As many of you have pointed out, there is nothing to do but accept it. My fiancé's happiness means more than anything else.

JellyBean52513 · June 2014

jamiegianmarco said:

Of course I will not force the child care on them, but kindly offer it and just move forward. As many of you have pointed out, there is nothing to do but accept it. My fiancé's happiness means more than anything else.

SITB

OP, kudos to you for taking everyone's advice in stride and putting your FI's feelings ahead of yours. It's ok that you don't have a maternal bone in your body, and it's great that you also aren't planning to poison children. Stick around here, and you'll eventually get used to the very straight-forward nature of this forum--something most of us appreciate from each other! One last piece of advice: if your username is your full name, I'd PM @KnotPorscha and have her change it. The internet is full of crazy people.

Viczaesar · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

jamiegianmarco said:

I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.

But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter. You would just decline the invitation. That's not what these people did.

And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem. It's their own.

Regardless, they may refuse to use a random sitter. The OP cannot force them to use the sitter. The invitation has now been extended to the children, and OP needs to deal with it.

larrygaga · June 2014

I think OP is being pretty reasonable you guys. She is at least listening to us and we should thank her for that, because how many stupids come on here with issues and call us meanies for not telling them what they want to hear?

QueerFemme · June 2014

We had kids at our wedding, and it was perfectly fine. However, I am in the "anti-children" camp. I am generally not comfortable with a bunch of kids, or even, like 4 kids around me. I don't enjoy family birthday parties, and I do my best to stay in the kitchen and help where the adults are.

A lot of this comes from parents really not monitoring their children in the way I want them to be monitored at events. I don't find it adorable when people's kids get into shit, and take cookies off the table, or stick their fingers in the cake. It wasn't cute when my nephew helped me blow out my candles and promptly spit all over the top of the cake. He was 3. I get it. He has limited control of his spit.

Me not enjoying other people's kids doesn't make me an evil, hateful person. And the OP not wanting kids at her elegant wedding is perfectly acceptable. If my wedding had been formal, I wouldn't have wanted them there either.

I honestly think OPs FI is an ass for not checking in with her first. If it were me, I would have said no, they can't bring their kid, or offered to help them find local childcare. But, I wouldn't have caved and let them bring the kid. She planned an adult only wedding for a reason.

Jen4948 · June 2014

Viczaesar said:

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

jamiegianmarco said:

I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.

But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter. You would just decline the invitation. That's not what these people did.

And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem. It's their own.

Regardless, they may refuse to use a random sitter. The OP cannot force them to use the sitter. The invitation has now been extended to the children, and OP needs to deal with it.

So they'll decline. It's always been said here that no sitter needs to be hired, but no children have to be accepted either.

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