Help! When is it okay to get officially engaged?!

Simply Fated · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

Please help. My (soon-to-be) fiance and I have been talking about getting engaged for quite some time. Last year, my sister and her fiance got engaged and the wedding will be in May 2015. We have been talking about having our wedding in December 2015 or January/Feb 2016. I do not know exactly when we will make it "official" but I do know that my fiance plans to talk to my parents beforehand.

Anyway, how long should we wait before making it official so as not to take away my sister's shine? Do we have to wait until after she's married and push our ideal date out? What is the proper procedure here??

There is no so such thing as being officially or unofficially engaged. Either you are engaged or you aren't engaged.
You two both need to get on the same page and come to an agreement.
Don't worry about when other people around you are getting married. They get ONE day for a wedding, two for a few cultures lol. They certain as shit don't get a whole year.
When you both decide to be engaged, announce it to the world and quit worrying about stealing other people's shine or what ever.

The ONLY thing you should consider, as far as your sister goes is, do you both have family that would need to be traveling to come to both weddings? There is a chance they might choose one or the other's wedding to attend. This isn't your fault, though. You both invite them and let them figure it out. Every family is different. Discuss dates with those you REALLY want there and pick a date. You will never find a day that works out perfectly for everyone, so try not to stress over this.

ashleylynn14 · June 2014

Hi! Wow. Lots of opinions out there. Thanks everyone

I guess what I'm struggling with is the decision whether or not to make it public. We've basically been talking about getting married since we got together (we were best friends in middle school and high school and then ended up realizing we were more than that) so I'm just not sure.

My sister offhandedly said "I'm just waiting to see who is going to purpose at my wedding" in reference to her brother in law or my fiance-not-fiance. I definitely think that would be rude, but I'm just not sure how to proceed. I guess we'll just take it a day at a time

Maggie0829 · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

Hi! Wow. Lots of opinions out there. Thanks everyone

I guess what I'm struggling with is the decision whether or not to make it public. We've basically been talking about getting married since we got together (we were best friends in middle school and high school and then ended up realizing we were more than that) so I'm just not sure.

My sister offhandedly said "I'm just waiting to see who is going to purpose at my wedding" in reference to her brother in law or my fiance-not-fiance. I definitely think that would be rude, but I'm just not sure how to proceed. I guess we'll just take it a day at a time

You make it public whenever the hell you want to make it public. This whole walking around on eggshells shit needs to stop. As long as your FI/BF (whatever) doesn't get down on one knee in the middle of your sisters wedding then it shouldn't matter when you make it official.

But if you and your FI/BF have decided to get married and are starting to make plans for your wedding then you are basically engaged and should be able to tell people. This is a good thing and if certain people are pissed because you "stole their thunder or shine or moment" then they need to grow the fuck up.

LondonLisa · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

Hi! Wow. Lots of opinions out there. Thanks everyone

I guess what I'm struggling with is the decision whether or not to make it public. We've basically been talking about getting married since we got together (we were best friends in middle school and high school and then ended up realizing we were more than that) so I'm just not sure.

My sister offhandedly said "I'm just waiting to see who is going to purpose at my wedding" in reference to her brother in law or my fiance-not-fiance. I definitely think that would be rude, but I'm just not sure how to proceed. I guess we'll just take it a day at a time

SIB

Weddings don't happen in turns. Get engaged when you want to get engaged and make it public. Definitely do not keep it a secret- I think that has the potential to be an even bigger minefield with more hurt feelings. As long as it isn't AT her wedding/ party in her honour, just go ahead and do it. In fact, that might be a special thing you guys can share together. You get one day when married, not a season and certainly not a year. You are over thinking this. When he proposes (or if you propose and accepts) you are engaged.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

FI and I have been together over 12 years. We casually talked about our future together and what kinds of things we'd want for a wedding starting a few months after we started dating. He mentioned saving for a ring after about 2.5 years of dating (life got in the way and it didn't happen at that point). For the 10+ years before he actually ASKED me to marry him, we were not engaged. We weren't even engaged to be engaged or whatever other label people use. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't become engaged until we both agreed we were engaged.

Hey, life twin. This is exactly our situation. Fi and I have known we were going to get married for probably around 10 years. But never considered ourselves engaged until there was actually a proposal and a ring and we were both ready to be publicly engaged. And I only ever called him my BF (or sometimes partner) until then. Never "engaged to be engaged" or any of that.

Hey gals, your triplet here. FI and I will have been together 13 years in December. We both knew we were in it for the long haul and would be getting married for about 12 years, but just as both of you, we were not engaged until FI actually proposed.

Things might work differently for other people in their relationships, but to me there is a huge difference between knowing you are going to get married some day, talking about getting married some day, being actually engaged, and planning an imminent wedding.

lyndausvi · June 2014

People really over complicate this engagement thing ugh?

ashleylynn14 · June 2014

First of all, no need to be rude. I am not trying to overcomplicate things but rather, be considerate of my sister & my family. Sheesh. My fault for not realizing this was a place for advice and more so a place to get ridiculed. Goodness gracious.

chibiyui · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

First of all, no need to be rude. I am not trying to overcomplicate things but rather, be considerate of my sister & my family. Sheesh. My fault for not realizing this was a place for advice and more so a place to get ridiculed. Goodness gracious.

.....I don't think anyone was?

Maggie0829 · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

First of all, no need to be rude. I am not trying to overcomplicate things but rather, be considerate of my sister & my family. Sheesh. My fault for not realizing this was a place for advice and more so a place to get ridiculed. Goodness gracious.

This is a place for advice and you got a whole bunch of it.

I am sorry but you are acting like a doormat. You need to stop that. If announcing your engagement is this hard what do you think wedding planning is going to be like if you are so focused on what other people think/want?

lyndausvi · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

First of all, no need to be rude. I am not trying to overcomplicate things but rather, be considerate of my sister & my family. Sheesh. My fault for not realizing this was a place for advice and more so a place to get ridiculed. Goodness gracious.

Look my brother got engaged, then a few months later my sister got engaged, few months after that brother got married, 6 months later my other brother got engaged, which was 2 days before my sister's wedding.

Then 2 years later my sister and 2 SIL were all pregnant. For 2 of them it was their first child.

Point is it's possible for siblings to go through life events at the same time. It's not a big deal. There is enough love and support to go around without stepping on anyone's toes.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

FI and I have been together over 12 years. We casually talked about our future together and what kinds of things we'd want for a wedding starting a few months after we started dating. He mentioned saving for a ring after about 2.5 years of dating (life got in the way and it didn't happen at that point). For the 10+ years before he actually ASKED me to marry him, we were not engaged. We weren't even engaged to be engaged or whatever other label people use. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't become engaged until we both agreed we were engaged.

Hey, life twin. This is exactly our situation. Fi and I have known we were going to get married for probably around 10 years. But never considered ourselves engaged until there was actually a proposal and a ring and we were both ready to be publicly engaged. And I only ever called him my BF (or sometimes partner) until then. Never "engaged to be engaged" or any of that.

Hey gals, your triplet here. FI and I will have been together 13 years in December. We both knew we were in it for the long haul and would be getting married for about 12 years, but just as both of you, we were not engaged until FI actually proposed.

Things might work differently for other people in their relationships, but to me there is a huge difference between knowing you are going to get married some day, talking about getting married some day, being actually engaged, and planning an imminent wedding.

Make that quadruplets

DH were together 6 years before we got engaged. We knew we'd marry within the first year of dating but we both felt that unless we were ready to start planning and paying for a wedding we weren't yet engaged. He proposed in February of last year after we decided that we could swing it, among other reasons. He bought a ring and I said yes. Only then did I refer to him as my FI.

Side note- did any of you feel a bit silly calling your if your boyfriend? I always felt very juvenile when I did as we had two children and a home together. But of course I'd always slip and say boyfriend instead of fiancé when I was finally able to lol.

ashleylynn14 · June 2014

lyndausvi said:

ashleylynn14 said:

First of all, no need to be rude. I am not trying to overcomplicate things but rather, be considerate of my sister & my family. Sheesh. My fault for not realizing this was a place for advice and more so a place to get ridiculed. Goodness gracious.

Look my brother got engaged, then a few months later my sister got engaged, few months after that brother got married, 6 months later my brother got engaged, which was 2 days before my sister's wedding.

Then 2 years later my sister and 2 SIL were all pregnant. For 2 of them it was their first child.

Point is it's possible for siblings to go through life events at the same time. It's not a big deal. There is enough love and support to go around without stepping on anyone's toes.

Makes sense. I was just worried about offending anyone but I see your point

NowIamMrsKlein · June 2014

My little sister and I started dating our FI at roughly the same time. My FI and I went ring shopping. A week later my sister got engaged. While I was/am super happy for her I was a little sad about the timing of it because I knew my ring was being made. I, like you, worried about stepping on toes or the so called 'stealing of thunder'. So I talked to my sister. And guess what? She was super happy and excited for me, and told me that I was being silly for being concerned or thinking about 'waiting' to make it official. Because its a happy and exciting thing and everyone should be happy and excited for you, not quietly (or vocally) judging you for your timing. When the time is right for you to be officially engaged then get officially engaged. If you are happy and in love and ready to get married, then get engaged.

ashleylynn14 · June 2014

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

My little sister and I started dating our FI at roughly the same time. My FI and I went ring shopping. A week later my sister got engaged. While I was/am super happy for her I was a little sad about the timing of it because I knew my ring was being made. I, like you, worried about stepping on toes or the so called 'stealing of thunder'. So I talked to my sister. And guess what? She was super happy and excited for me, and told me that I was being silly for being concerned or thinking about 'waiting' to make it official. Because its a happy and exciting thing and everyone should be happy and excited for you, not quietly (or vocally) judging you for your timing. When the time is right for you to be officially engaged then get officially engaged. If you are happy and in love and ready to get married, then get engaged.

See, I'm glad at least one person can see where I'm coming from. I guess the only thing to do is talk to my sister. Thank you

LondonLisa · June 2014

crunchymamaof2 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

FI and I have been together over 12 years. We casually talked about our future together and what kinds of things we'd want for a wedding starting a few months after we started dating. He mentioned saving for a ring after about 2.5 years of dating (life got in the way and it didn't happen at that point). For the 10+ years before he actually ASKED me to marry him, we were not engaged. We weren't even engaged to be engaged or whatever other label people use. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't become engaged until we both agreed we were engaged.

Hey, life twin. This is exactly our situation. Fi and I have known we were going to get married for probably around 10 years. But never considered ourselves engaged until there was actually a proposal and a ring and we were both ready to be publicly engaged. And I only ever called him my BF (or sometimes partner) until then. Never "engaged to be engaged" or any of that.

Hey gals, your triplet here. FI and I will have been together 13 years in December. We both knew we were in it for the long haul and would be getting married for about 12 years, but just as both of you, we were not engaged until FI actually proposed.

Things might work differently for other people in their relationships, but to me there is a huge difference between knowing you are going to get married some day, talking about getting married some day, being actually engaged, and planning an imminent wedding.

Make that quadruplets DH were together 6 years before we got engaged. We knew we'd marry within the first year of dating but we both felt that unless we were ready to start planning and paying for a wedding we weren't yet engaged. He proposed in February of last year after we decided that we could swing it, among other reasons. He bought a ring and I said yes. Only then did I refer to him as my FI.

Side note- did any of you feel a bit silly calling your if your boyfriend? I always felt very juvenile when I did as we had two children and a home together. But of course I'd always slip and say boyfriend instead of fiancé when I was finally able to lol.

Not to thread jack, but in Britain (where I am from) one doesn't usually have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" over the age of 20- they are just generically referred to as "partner". I didn't know that this had same-sex relationship implications in America until I was on a business trip there last year (which is no big deal). I kept telling our US office that my partner was coming as well. Turns out Fi couldn't go at the last minute so my sister came (who looks like my twin). Apparently our whole Chicago office was really creeped out because they thought I was in a same sex relationship with a woman who looks EXACTLY like me and had the exact same mannerisms at the company cocktail party. I was so glad when someone finally said "you two could be sisters" and I finally understood why we were getting some surprised looks!

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

ashleylynn14 said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

My little sister and I started dating our FI at roughly the same time. My FI and I went ring shopping. A week later my sister got engaged. While I was/am super happy for her I was a little sad about the timing of it because I knew my ring was being made. I, like you, worried about stepping on toes or the so called 'stealing of thunder'. So I talked to my sister. And guess what? She was super happy and excited for me, and told me that I was being silly for being concerned or thinking about 'waiting' to make it official. Because its a happy and exciting thing and everyone should be happy and excited for you, not quietly (or vocally) judging you for your timing. When the time is right for you to be officially engaged then get officially engaged. If you are happy and in love and ready to get married, then get engaged.

See, I'm glad at least one person can see where I'm coming from. I guess the only thing to do is talk to my sister. Thank you

Ugh, no you don't need to do this. You are just inviting trouble and unnecessary drama.

Just get engaged when you want to get engaged, and announce it whenever you want to- save for any of your sisters pre-wedding events and her actual wedding day. . . that's just gauche.

You don't need anyone's input or permission or to take anyone's feelings into consideration except your BF's.

If your sister has a hissy fit and claims you are "stealing her thunder" then she needs to grow the hell up and learn that the world does not stop and start for her alone. And if anyone else in your family has a hissy fit and claims you are stealing your sister's thunder, they also need to grow the hell up.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

One of my sisters got engaged right after I did, then got married a few months after that - nearly 2 years before my wedding will happen. No biggie. She didn't ask me if she could tell everyone she was engaged or ask if it was okay to have her wedding when she did. I get one day. I was nothing but overjoyed for my sister because she found someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That was all that mattered to me.

NowIamMrsKlein · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

ashleylynn14 said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

My little sister and I started dating our FI at roughly the same time. My FI and I went ring shopping. A week later my sister got engaged. While I was/am super happy for her I was a little sad about the timing of it because I knew my ring was being made. I, like you, worried about stepping on toes or the so called 'stealing of thunder'. So I talked to my sister. And guess what? She was super happy and excited for me, and told me that I was being silly for being concerned or thinking about 'waiting' to make it official. Because its a happy and exciting thing and everyone should be happy and excited for you, not quietly (or vocally) judging you for your timing. When the time is right for you to be officially engaged then get officially engaged. If you are happy and in love and ready to get married, then get engaged.

See, I'm glad at least one person can see where I'm coming from. I guess the only thing to do is talk to my sister. Thank you

Ugh, no you don't need to do this. You are just inviting trouble and unnecessary drama.

Just get engaged when you want to get engaged, and announce it whenever you want to- save for any of your sisters pre-wedding events and her actual wedding day. . . that's just gauche.

You don't need anyone's input or permission or to take anyone's feelings into consideration except your BF's.

If your sister has a hissy fit and claims you are "stealing her thunder" then she needs to grow the hell up and learn that the world does not stop and start for her alone. And if anyone else in your family has a hissy fit and claims you are stealing your sister's thunder, they also need to grow the hell up.

Oh I completely agree that you don't need input or permission. No matter what, we would have gotten engaged. There was no way I was waiting. My sister and I are close so it was definitely more of a confiding in her in a 'Im so excited for you, and guess what, we just went ring shopping too!" And when she said she was excited I told her how I had been a little worried that she may have been upset and then she laughed at me.

ETA: And I realize now how silly I was to ever even think this was an issue.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

I stand by my original advice. Get engaged whever the hell you want. Just don't pull a dick move and announce it at the wedding or something.

For real, woman, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If it's this hard, you're doing it wrong. If you are overcomplicating things because your sister is a horrible drama llama who will have fits, then she's a terrible person and that's not your problem. Either way, get engaged when YOU are ready. You aren't marrying your sister FFS.

ashleyep · June 2014

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ashleylynn14 said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

My little sister and I started dating our FI at roughly the same time. My FI and I went ring shopping. A week later my sister got engaged. While I was/am super happy for her I was a little sad about the timing of it because I knew my ring was being made. I, like you, worried about stepping on toes or the so called 'stealing of thunder'. So I talked to my sister. And guess what? She was super happy and excited for me, and told me that I was being silly for being concerned or thinking about 'waiting' to make it official. Because its a happy and exciting thing and everyone should be happy and excited for you, not quietly (or vocally) judging you for your timing. When the time is right for you to be officially engaged then get officially engaged. If you are happy and in love and ready to get married, then get engaged.

See, I'm glad at least one person can see where I'm coming from. I guess the only thing to do is talk to my sister. Thank you

Ugh, no you don't need to do this. You are just inviting trouble and unnecessary drama.

Just get engaged when you want to get engaged, and announce it whenever you want to- save for any of your sisters pre-wedding events and her actual wedding day. . . that's just gauche.

You don't need anyone's input or permission or to take anyone's feelings into consideration except your BF's.

If your sister has a hissy fit and claims you are "stealing her thunder" then she needs to grow the hell up and learn that the world does not stop and start for her alone. And if anyone else in your family has a hissy fit and claims you are stealing your sister's thunder, they also need to grow the hell up.

Oh I completely agree that you don't need input or permission. No matter what, we would have gotten engaged. There was no way I was waiting. My sister and I are close so it was definitely more of a confiding in her in a 'Im so excited for you, and guess what, we just went ring shopping too!" And when she said she was excited I told her how I had been a little worried that she may have been upset and then she laughed at me.
ETA: And I realize now how silly I was to ever even think this was an issue.

I don't think you're silly. I just think you're just trying very hard to be considerate. She's been engaged for awhile now, so all of that initial glow and exciting is over. And her wedding is far enough away from now that that excitement hasn't started yet. And your wedding will be late enough that none of your pre-wedding activities will happen before her wedding. You're way more than in the clear.

JellyBean52513 · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

ashleylynn14 said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

My little sister and I started dating our FI at roughly the same time. My FI and I went ring shopping. A week later my sister got engaged. While I was/am super happy for her I was a little sad about the timing of it because I knew my ring was being made. I, like you, worried about stepping on toes or the so called 'stealing of thunder'. So I talked to my sister. And guess what? She was super happy and excited for me, and told me that I was being silly for being concerned or thinking about 'waiting' to make it official. Because its a happy and exciting thing and everyone should be happy and excited for you, not quietly (or vocally) judging you for your timing. When the time is right for you to be officially engaged then get officially engaged. If you are happy and in love and ready to get married, then get engaged.

See, I'm glad at least one person can see where I'm coming from. I guess the only thing to do is talk to my sister. Thank you

Ugh, no you don't need to do this. You are just inviting trouble and unnecessary drama.

Just get engaged when you want to get engaged, and announce it whenever you want to- save for any of your sisters pre-wedding events and her actual wedding day. . . that's just gauche.

You don't need anyone's input or permission or to take anyone's feelings into consideration except your BF's.

If your sister has a hissy fit and claims you are "stealing her thunder" then she needs to grow the hell up and learn that the world does not stop and start for her alone. And if anyone else in your family has a hissy fit and claims you are stealing your sister's thunder, they also need to grow the hell up.

Take it easy! If the OP feels very strongly about this, and she is certainly allowed to feel whatever she wants when it comes to her own sister, then let her ease her mind by talking to her sister about it. There's no need to come down on the OP and call her a doormat, preemptively deciding that her sister needs to grow the hell up, or any of that. The OP had concerns which may or may not be all in her head, and she asked what we what all thought about it. I don't think it's really warranted to say she's asking for drama by having a talk with her sister, and it's not your call to tell someone they don't need to take anyone else's feelings into consideration but their FI's. She obviously cares about her sister and what her sister thinks and how her sister feels. There's NOTHING wrong with that, even if you would handle the situation differently.

OP: If it will make you feel better, talk to your sister. If she's as understanding and considerate as you are, she will undoubtedly be thrilled for you. If she reacts negatively and tells you not to steal her thunder, then come back here and let us know and we'll all console you and tell you what an entitled, spoiled brat she is.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I told my BF he wasn't allowed to ask my dad 'for my hand' because I don't want anybody knowing before me that I'm getting engaged. I feel like discussing getting engaged with my sister would be the same thing, it takes the decision to get engaged away from the couple doing it, and gives too much power to family.

That said, definitely discuss the Wedding Date with your sister. But I would take her out of the equation when it comes to getting engaged.

wrigleyville · June 2014

Your sister might not even mind. If my SIL or BIL had announced an engagement within a couple days of ours, I would have been THRILLED and super excited to have someone else to "talk wedding" with.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I would say as long as you don't announce your engagement at her wedding & probably not at her bridal shower, any other time is fine. You are being very thoughtful with your planning not wanting to take away anything from your sister's big day or the planning for it. Congrats on your engagement!!

Help! When is it okay to get officially engaged?!

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