this is the code for the render ad
Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding Guest Issues Concerning Children

24

Re: Wedding Guest Issues Concerning Children

  • Jen4948 said:
    Viczaesar said:
    Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
    Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.  
    But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter.  You would just decline the invitation.  That's not what these people did.

    And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem.  It's their own.
    Regardless, they may refuse to use a random sitter.  The OP cannot force them to use the sitter.  The invitation has now been extended to the children, and OP needs to deal with it.
    So they'll decline.  It's always been said here that no sitter needs to be hired, but no children have to be accepted either.

    I get what you are saying, but since the Groom told his friend that his children are welcome to attend the wedding (thus inviting the children) then the children will need to be accepted regardless if a sitter is hired or not. The invite was extended to the children and it was accepted by the invitee so there is really nothing to do but deal with it.


  • Jen4948 said:


    Viczaesar said:


    Jen4948 said:


    mysticl said:



    I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

    Keep in mind they may not use the sitter. I would not leave my child with a stranger and a lot of people feel that way.  

    But if your children were not invited to a wedding in the first place, I take it you would not ask the couple about bringing them if you couldn't find a sitter.  You would just decline the invitation.  That's not what these people did.

    And the fact that these people may not want to leave their children with a stranger is not the OP's problem.  It's their own.

    Regardless, they may refuse to use a random sitter.  The OP cannot force them to use the sitter.  The invitation has now been extended to the children, and OP needs to deal with it.



    So they'll decline.  It's always been said here that no sitter needs to be hired, but no children have to be accepted either.





    I get what you are saying, but since the Groom told his friend that his children are welcome to attend the wedding (thus inviting the children) then the children will need to be accepted regardless if a sitter is hired or not. The invite was extended to the children and it was accepted by the invitee so there is really nothing to do but deal with it.

    This. If the groom didn't open his mouth then sure you can say that the kids are going to a separate room but that ship sailed.

  • If the parents turn out to be uncomfortable with having a stranger babysit, maybe a compromise would be having a sitter at the reception.  That way the kids wouldn't be in the thick of things, but the parents could go check on them whenever they wanted.
  • scribe95 said: One thing for OP. You seem to have an idea that if kids are there people can't relax and have fun. For many parents this is simply untrue. They actually like to have their kids around.  This is very true. It's perfectly fine if you (general you) feel that you wouldn't be able to relax and have fun with your children around, but not all parents feel that way. Every single party/get-together that my SO's family or friends' families throw, there's at least 5 children under the age of 10. Minimum. Everybody always has a good time, and yes there's plenty of drinking and dancing all night.

    It's fine not to want kids there. It's fine to say you simply don't enjoy the presence of children at formal events. It's not ok to assume that your guests can't/won't relax and have fun in the presence of children and use that as a justification for an adults-only event. The best thing about this is that you don't need justification for why you don't want children present.
  • I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.

    To be the most gracious, the children will probably end up at the ceremony. If anyone asks why they are there, you simply explain that you did not invite the children. You do not need to explain that they are out of town so you "let" them come. Feelings will be hurt over that, so let the rudeness fall back on the guests who brought their children to an event where they were told they are not invited.

    image   image   image

  • I realize this issue is not a big deal to many of you and that I come across as cold and unfeeling. I think some of you are simply offended because of the way I feel toward children. Anyway, I truly want all of the guests including myself, my fiancé and his friends to be able to relax, have a good time, just no worries. I never said I hated children and there won't be any poisoning. Lol. That being said, I certainly do not have a maternal bone in my body. I have absolutely no desire to have children myself and it was our wish not to include children in our special day- an important, formal, intimate occasion. Having children present changes the feel, the tone and the entire dynamic of the day. I love my fiancé's friends and I absolutely want them to be there. It is most important that my fiancé is happy. In the event that they bring the children, I will certainly follow everyone's advice that I hire a sitter. As many of you mentioned, I do have concerns that we have told all other guests - adults only. If people ask, it seems we will have to explain that they are from out of town and had no other option. Thank you for all of your advice and support.
    To be the most gracious, the children will probably end up at the ceremony. If anyone asks why they are there, you simply explain that you did not invite the children. You do not need to explain that they are out of town so you "let" them come. Feelings will be hurt over that, so let the rudeness fall back on the guests who brought their children to an event where they were told they are not invited.
    Except they were invited. The groom went ahead and invited them. This is not a case of guests just showing up with their kids in tow and no one being aware it was going to happen.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
  • I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    Listen, not everyone likes kids. Not everyone thinks they're fun and cute. Count myself in that camp. I love the kids in my family, but I am not a kid person. That's my right, as is the OPs. You like kids - great for you! Doesn't mean everyone has to. 
  • I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
  • Jen4948 said:
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
    No but saying "I am extremely anti-children" does. That is a direct quote from the OP.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
    No but saying "I am extremely anti-children" does. That is a direct quote from the OP.  
    But that doesn't make the OP evil or wrong because she didn't want children at her wedding and doesn't want to associate with them if she doesn't have to.  It looks like she has to have these kids at her wedding, but all she has to do is be gracious and polite about it.  She doesn't have to like it.
  • Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
    No but saying "I am extremely anti-children" does. That is a direct quote from the OP.  
    But that doesn't make the OP evil or wrong because she didn't want children at her wedding and doesn't want to associate with them if she doesn't have to.  It looks like she has to have these kids at her wedding, but all she has to do is be gracious and polite about it.  She doesn't have to like it.
    She wasn't called evil or wrong.  She was simply asked why she felt that way and told that kids being there doesn't have to be a negative thing. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
    No but saying "I am extremely anti-children" does. That is a direct quote from the OP.  
    But that doesn't make the OP evil or wrong because she didn't want children at her wedding and doesn't want to associate with them if she doesn't have to.  It looks like she has to have these kids at her wedding, but all she has to do is be gracious and polite about it.  She doesn't have to like it.
    She wasn't called evil or wrong.  She was simply asked why she felt that way and told that kids being there doesn't have to be a negative thing. 

    It's really none of her business why the OP or anyone else is anti-children.
  • mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
    No but saying "I am extremely anti-children" does. That is a direct quote from the OP.  
    But that doesn't make the OP evil or wrong because she didn't want children at her wedding and doesn't want to associate with them if she doesn't have to.  It looks like she has to have these kids at her wedding, but all she has to do is be gracious and polite about it.  She doesn't have to like it.
    She wasn't called evil or wrong.  She was simply asked why she felt that way and told that kids being there doesn't have to be a negative thing. 
    No one out right called her evil or wrong but in some posts it was inferred that her dislike of children is ridiculous.  

    Also, no one is due a reason as to why she doesn't like children.  She just doesn't like them.  I don't know what it is when it comes to children but if you don't like them or don't want them people want to know why and they try to get you to change your stance.

  • scribe95 said:
    One thing for OP. You seem to have an idea that if kids are there people can't relax and have fun. For many parents this is simply untrue. They actually like to have their kids around. 
    My wedding had children and people still had a blast. To me, kids make a wedding fun. They get soooo excited and bring a special joy to a wedding day.My guests still had a blast, even with their children present
  • Marzipan13Marzipan13 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    I love children!  BUT I'M DREADING THE HELL TORNADO THAT IS MY 6-YEAR OLD COUSIN BEING THERE.  You don't have to be "anti-children" to not want them at your wedding.

    ETA:  We're paying a DJ for entertainment... kids should not be thought of as such...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Mr. Bean Flipping the Bird
  • scribe95 said:
    One thing for OP. You seem to have an idea that if kids are there people can't relax and have fun. For many parents this is simply untrue. They actually like to have their kids around. 
    My wedding had children and people still had a blast. To me, kids make a wedding fun. They get soooo excited and bring a special joy to a wedding day.My guests still had a blast, even with their children present
    But that's you individually-it's not acceptable to project this onto the human race in general.  There are many people for whom a wedding with children would be a nightmare, and it's solely their business why.
  • Jen4948 said: indianaalum said: scribe95 said:
    One thing for OP. You seem to have an idea that if kids are there people can't relax and have fun. For many parents this is simply untrue. They actually like to have their kids around.  My wedding had children and people still had a blast. To me, kids make a wedding fun. They get soooo excited and bring a special joy to a wedding day.My guests still had a blast, even with their children present But that's you individually-it's not acceptable to project this onto the human race in general.  There are many people for whom a wedding with children would be a nightmare, and it's solely their business why. That is why I wrote
    TO ME, kids make a wedding fun. I just agreed on the part that kids dont mean parents don't have fun.
  • Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    One thing for OP. You seem to have an idea that if kids are there people can't relax and have fun. For many parents this is simply untrue. They actually like to have their kids around. 
    My wedding had children and people still had a blast. To me, kids make a wedding fun. They get soooo excited and bring a special joy to a wedding day.My guests still had a blast, even with their children present
    But that's you individually-it's not acceptable to project this onto the human race in general.  There are many people for whom a wedding with children would be a nightmare, and it's solely their business why.
    That is why I wrote TO ME, kids make a wedding fun. I just agreed on the part that kids dont mean parents don't have fun.

    Ah, thanks for clarifying.  Sometimes for me they make weddings fun.  It really depends on the kids and the specifics of the wedding.
  • I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    She has every right to be anti-child.  She doesn't have to explain to you or anyone why she doesn't like or care for kids.  I am also anti-child at most events.  I don't like being around a lot of kids.  I find it annoying because then I have to watch what I say and do and how I act around them.  And very rarely do I find kids to be cute and fun, but most times I find them to be annoying and irritating and in the way.





    SINTB
    Spot on Maggie!

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • I have some friends that are great, attentive parents.

    Then I have a few friends that are great, but very inattentive parents. Events like weddings, holiday parties, and even birthday parties can be "relaxing" for those parents because they aren't concerned with what their kids are doing. For the rest of us, it's like we're baby-sitting for free.


    .
    What OP's Fi's friends did was shitty. They basically tricked an invitation for their kids out of her Fi. What if it had been the friend's parents? "Sorry, but I don't like leaving my elderly parents home alone while I travel. If I can't bring them, I can't attend the wedding" would the answers be the same?
    image
  • I have some friends that are great, attentive parents.

    Then I have a few friends that are great, but very inattentive parents. Events like weddings, holiday parties, and even birthday parties can be "relaxing" for those parents because they aren't concerned with what their kids are doing. For the rest of us, it's like we're baby-sitting for free.


    .
    What OP's Fi's friends did was shitty. They basically tricked an invitation for their kids out of her Fi. What if it had been the friend's parents? "Sorry, but I don't like leaving my elderly parents home alone while I travel. If I can't bring them, I can't attend the wedding" would the answers be the same?
    Sadly, if the FI said that it was important to him to have these guests there to the point that he would extend their uninvited guests invitations, the answers would be the same.
  • If the parents turn out to be uncomfortable with having a stranger babysit, maybe a compromise would be having a sitter at the reception.  That way the kids wouldn't be in the thick of things, but the parents could go check on them whenever they wanted.
    I did this at my reception.  Some parents opted out, but I went out of my way to find a good babysitter, and it was even someone they knew.  The parents who opted out weren't okay with the other kids that were there, but if this is just one family, it might be better.  Would it be possible to say more or less that when OP's FI extended the invitation to the children, he meant that they would be in a separate room with child care?  And if that isn't acceptable, then unfortunately it looks like the children won't be able to be accommodated? 

  • People have the right to have their opinion on children or no children at weddings. I don't think this issue is about whether the OP is right or wrong about having a child free wedding.

    The issue is her fiance wanting his friends at his wedding, and therefore inviting the children so they could attend. Now, I agree with everyone else that said he should have discussed it with her, but he didn't and I think she needs to just let it go.

    As someone who had a formal wedding 4 days ago; we had children there, and it was an absolute blast. We didn't invite everyone's children, but we invited one of the groomsman's kids, and his little 3 year old son kept calling me a princess!  He was running around the dance floor, and he looked so cute in his little suit. He was absolutely adorable. His parents are also good attentive parents, so he wasn't getting into anything, or causing a ruckus. I don't enjoy children who are terrors. 

     Now, my husband and I love children, and we never would have had a child free wedding, because I have younger pre-teen cousins that absolutely would have been invited no matter what.  Anyone that either of us wanted invited, was invited. I had no say in his list, and he had no say in my list. 
    image
    image

    image


  • I generally don't like kids. yes, they can be cute, and fun, and funny. I have siblings with kids and I love those kids, but, my ability to tolerate them is limited to short amounts of time. And I don't wnat them in a big group. Groups of kids are loud and screamy. Not even when they are being bad. Kids are just loud. I don't like that. Therefore, I am likely seen as "anti-children". I am fine if other people want to procreate, and have their home turn into slimey, diaper smelling, crayon the walls, toy boxes. But, it's not my cup of tea.
  • kerbohl said:
    If the parents turn out to be uncomfortable with having a stranger babysit, maybe a compromise would be having a sitter at the reception.  That way the kids wouldn't be in the thick of things, but the parents could go check on them whenever they wanted.
    I did this at my reception.  Some parents opted out, but I went out of my way to find a good babysitter, and it was even someone they knew.  The parents who opted out weren't okay with the other kids that were there, but if this is just one family, it might be better.  Would it be possible to say more or less that when OP's FI extended the invitation to the children, he meant that they would be in a separate room with child care?  And if that isn't acceptable, then unfortunately it looks like the children won't be able to be accommodated? 

    Stuck in the box
    I don't think that would work.  If the bride or groom told me my kid could come to the wedding I would assume that to mean they could come to the wedding. So if I then got a call saying that what they really meant was my kid would have to go somewhere else I would feel lied to. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mysticl said: kerbohl said: scrunchythief said: If the parents turn out to be uncomfortable with having a stranger babysit, maybe a compromise would be having a sitter at the reception.  That way the kids wouldn't be in the thick of things, but the parents could go check on them whenever they wanted.
    I did this at my reception.  Some parents opted out, but I went out of my way to find a good babysitter, and it was even someone they knew.  The parents who opted out weren't okay with the other kids that were there, but if this is just one family, it might be better.  Would it be possible to say more or less that when OP's FI extended the invitation to the children, he meant that they would be in a separate room with child care?  And if that isn't acceptable, then unfortunately it looks like the children won't be able to be accommodated? 

    Stuck in the boxI don't think that would work.  If the bride or groom told me my kid could come to the wedding I would assume that to mean they could come to the wedding. So if I then got a call saying that what they really meant was my kid would have to go somewhere else I would feel lied to.  I'm not sure that the FI did invite the children.  He said they'd do what they needed to do so that the friends could be there.  Without knowing exactly what he said, I don't think we can assume the parents would be offended by the kids not being actually at the wedding.  Since they (presuma
    bly) looked for child-care, they were aware their kids weren't really welcome.  If a babysitter wasn't an option at all then yes, I think the kids should come.  But if a babysitter is an option, I would hope they wouldn't be offended.

    Also, I just wanted to say that large groups of children are not always unruly.  My FI comes from a large family (40+ first cousins).  I only have 6 cousins and their family gatherings are quieter than mine.  That's more because the adults in family debate loudly, a lot:)  Not saying kids can't ever be annoying, but I think it depends on the particular child, not just an arbitrary age.
  • mysticl said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree with most of the posts. Your FI already invited them, so you cannot un-invite that, that would be so rude and just awful! I would be more upset with the fact that FI didn't discuss it with you first. And why are you so anti-children? They can be fun, cute and make your guests laugh. Not all kids run around wild and crazy.

    I'd say relax and let it go, nothing you can do about it now!
    So?  That doesn't make kids universally likeable or mean everyone has to like them regardless of how fun, cute, or funny they are or might be.

    And not wanting kids at your wedding doesn't make you "anti-children."
    No but saying "I am extremely anti-children" does. That is a direct quote from the OP.  
    And that's her perogative.  No one has to like children except people who choose to be parents, teachers, and pediatricians IMO.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards