How socially acceptable are money dances?

Nymeru · June 2014

It never even crossed my mind to do a money dance until my FFIL brought it up this morning. I know my family would feel very uncomfortable (with a few of them being genuinely horrified at the tackiness of it) if we were to do a money dance. I would feel incredibly awkward myself. I don't necessarily want people coming up and pinning money all over my dress. However, my FI really wants to do it (this, from the guy who is extremely uncomfortable dancing in public). It is the custom on his side of the family to always do a money dance to help start the couple off on the right foot. While I definitely appreciate the sentiment (and it would be a lie to say that recouping some of the money we spent on the wedding isn't an attractive idea), I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept. Maybe I'm being a little too prim, but it almost feels a little dirty to me. My FFIL pointed out that it provides the opportunity for the older members of his family to have a legitimate reason to ask me to dance, even though they don't know me, which is something they like. When I replied that they could just ask me to dance without money being involved, he just shrugged and said that the money dance would create a comfort level for his family.

I feel bad having any sort of event/service at a wedding that would require my guests to bring/spend cash. I've been to a couple of weddings where they had a money tree, and felt awkward about not giving any because I hadn't brought any cash with me. I wouldn't want people to feel obligated to give me money. Am I over-thinking this? Will my future in-laws be offended if I don't honor their custom?

QueerFemme · June 2014

They are tacky. There is a thread on the customs and traditions board on this that might help you.

zizibet · June 2014

They aren't acceptable at all. It's gross. You and your FI need to be on the same page about this, so have a talk with him about why you find this inappropriate for your wedding. You ate not a charity and your wedding is not a fundraiser. Also, you should point out that your family will be offended and horrified if you do have one. Find some of the horror stories on here and read them to him- because people will post on the net what they won't say to your face.
Just tell your FFIL that you aren't interested in doing one, and that your sorry his family members won't just dance with you-which, WTF who needs an"excuse" to dance with the bride FFS. If you feel you have to have something, do a well-wishes dance, where people write wishes on slips of paper for the bride., but no.

QueerFemme · June 2014

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1029416/can-someone-explain-to-me#latest

AddieCake · June 2014

Asking people to give you money is always in poor taste.

ETA: If his family really wants to do it, you could have them write well wishes for you instead to "pay" you with.

chibiyui · June 2014

They are not socially acceptable.

Also.

You are not comfortable with this. Full stop, that is the only reason you need to not do this, and your FI should be supportive of your choice. If your FI wants a dollar dance, he can dance and let people stick him with money.

CMGragain · June 2014

They are only acceptable within the ethnic groups in which they are a tradition. If both the bride and groom are from traditional Polish families, they are OK. Since you are not from this tradition, I would say, no.

April192002 · June 2014

I was going to quote, but decided not to, and now I'm stuck in the box.

If you decide that you want to dance with people, especially the opposite side of the family, why not go old school and have a free dance card? It would give you a chance to briefly get to know them. From the sound of it, you and your FI aren't really for that but I would NEVER do a dollar dance!

Simply Fated · June 2014

If Fi wants to do this, then he should do this. You should not feel coerced to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable like this.

People shouldn't need money involved to have a reason to come talk to a bride whose wedding they were cordially invited to.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

CMGragain said:

They are only acceptable within the ethnic groups in which they are a tradition. If both the bride and groom are from traditional Polish families, they are OK. Since you are not from this tradition, I would say, no.

This. And even if both members of the couple are from those traditions, you'd still need to consider whether you'll have friends there who would not understand the tradition.

Fi's family is Sicilian and they want a money dance. My family, and both of our friends, would think this was really tacky and strange. So we aren't doing it. We'll make a point of being on the dance floor and dancing with everyone who wants to.

sophhabobopha · June 2014

I think they're so weird. Everytime I attend a wedding reception with one I get so uncomfortable.

FiancB · June 2014

Nope. If people want to help you get off on the right foot, that's what's gifts are for. If they want to dance with you, they can just ask.

mrsmorales2be · June 2014

Since you're uncomfortable with the idea, that should be the end of the discussion. Don't do it.

APDSS22 · June 2014

I'd be uncomfortable as well if someone was trying to coerce me into dancing with people for money. Just say no.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

I equate it to panhandling. Seriously, you're essentially performing for money.

elizabetheleven · June 2014

My whole family is Sicilian and every wedding I've been to has a money dance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all Sicilians do them, It's just what I've experienced.

I, however, personally have never liked them. They always feltstrange and uncomfortable so I've never participated. I usually go to the bathroom or outside for fresh air when the time comes.

My reception was just a dinner and dessert at a restaurant, no dancing. But if I did go the traditional route I would NOT have done the dollar dance. Even though I know my family would side-eye the fact I didn't.

Love pps idea of a free dance card or well wishes dance. Don't do what feels uncomfortable to you.

LittlePeachBlossom · June 2014

I think they're outdated and unnecessary. They were done in my family growing up but those were different times. I don't see it as a tradition that needs to be carried on. It's probably the older generations that push for it but it really has no place at a wedding anymore.

Maybe you can have a basket of flowers and the guests that want to dance with the bride or groom can grab a flower as their "ticket" or "dollar". In the end the bride will have a bouquet and this can be handed off to someone special or thrown for bouquet toss. Or you can dry them and save them if this was a particularly special moment at your reception.

larrygaga · June 2014

Everyone in my circle does them. I do not want to do one. I think they are icky. Everyone I know is suprised I don't want to do one.

RebeccaB88 · June 2014

There is a name for women who dance for money.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

There is a name for women who dance for money.

And those women are free to do so, if that is what they want to do, but a wedding is no place for that. That is more appropriate at the bachelor party.

beethery · June 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

There is a name for women who dance for money.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If my financial situation gets so dire that I have to dance for money again, it won't be at the wedding, it'll be back at the club. There's a time and a place for that lol

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

Nymeru said:
It never even crossed my mind to do a money dance until my FFIL brought it up this morning. I know my family would feel very uncomfortable (with a few of them being genuinely horrified at the tackiness of it) if we were to do a money dance. I would feel incredibly awkward myself. I don't necessarily want people coming up and pinning money all over my dress. However, my FI really wants to do it (this, from the guy who is extremely uncomfortable dancing in public). It is the custom on his side of the family to always do a money dance to help start the couple off on the right foot. While I definitely appreciate the sentiment (and it would be a lie to say that recouping some of the money we spent on the wedding isn't an attractive idea), I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept. Maybe I'm being a little too prim, but it almost feels a little dirty to me. My FFIL pointed out that it provides the opportunity for the older members of his family to have a legitimate reason to ask me to dance, even though they don't know me, which is something they like. When I replied that they could just ask me to dance without money being involved, he just shrugged and said that the money dance would create a comfort level for his family.

I feel bad having any sort of event/service at a wedding that would require my guests to bring/spend cash. I've been to a couple of weddings where they had a money tree, and felt awkward about not giving any because I hadn't brought any cash with me. I wouldn't want people to feel obligated to give me money. Am I over-thinking this? Will my future in-laws be offended if I don't honor their custom?

If you are uncomfortable doing a money dance, and it's not an accepted tradition in your family, as in they will judge you for being rude and tacky, then I would not do one.

If your FI wants to do one and it's a tradition in his family, let him do one without you. If your FIL's try and talk you into, just politely explain that you aren't comfortable participating in a money dance and you don't wish to discuss the matter any further, bur you will be more than happy to dance with anyone who asks you at the reception, then bean dip them.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

CMGragain said:
They are only acceptable within the ethnic groups in which they are a tradition. If both the bride and groom are from traditional Polish families, they are OK. Since you are not from this tradition, I would say, no.

Nope, not even. Money dances ARE NOT an accepted cultural or ethnic tradition, they are purely a family thing.

I'm an Italian and Croatian American, and money dances are not done on either side of my family, because they are viewed as rude and tacky. And this is despite the statements that they are an Italian Thing.

Some Italians do it, but that doesn't mean that other Italians don't find them tacky and unacceptable.

mrs4everhart · June 2014

OP, I don't think it matters whether it is or is not socially acceptable. You're not comfortable doing it, so don't. Garter tosses are "socially acceptable" but many women (and men, I assume) don't feel comfortable doing them for various reasons and they skip it. I agree with PP's that if it is that important to your FIL's and you want to make them happy little notes or flowers should work just as well, although I've never been to a wedding where a guest needed an excuse to ask the bride to dance.

Vivandiere8 · June 2014

This question comes up alot and I've been thinking about it... The truth is, yes, there are comunities and families that expect it, even look foward to it, but I can also garentee that every single time it's done at a wedding there are a number of guests that are uncomfortable with it, feel like they have to go pay money to the bride whether they want to or not, or find it incredibly rude. So the question is, is that worth it to you?

How socially acceptable are money dances?

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