What should my gay friend be invited to?

wanderingbookworm · June 2014

One of my best friend is a gay guy. We would have had him as a groomsman but both my FI and I only have brothers - a total of 5. Our wedding is small and we don't want it to get out of control so thought it was fair to cut the wedding party off at immediate family and find enough female friends to walk with them. I suggested having my friend as some sort of pseudo-bridesmaid but my Fi didn't want one of his brothers to walk with another guy. I understand.

What else should he be invited to? He's usually "one of the girls" so he and my other gay guy friends are invited to the bachelorette party. Should he be invited to the shower as well? I don't want him to feel left out because he's important to me, but he would be the only non-relative and only guy there and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Plus I'm not the one throwing the shower - so I have to decide if I should include him on the invitation list that I gave to the party's host.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I think you should invite him to every event where you would enjoy his presence. Let him know that he might be the only dude, if you like, but ultimately it's his decision whether or not to accept invitations. If HE feels weird, he can decline. But you can always, always offer your hospitality to people you love!

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

One of my best friend is a gay guy. We would have had him as a groomsman but both my FI and I only have brothers - a total of 5. Our wedding is small and we don't want it to get out of control so thought it was fair to cut the wedding party off at immediate family and find enough female friends to walk with them. I suggested having my friend as some sort of pseudo-bridesmaid but my Fi didn't want one of his brothers to walk with another guy. I understand.

What else should he be invited to? He's usually "one of the girls" so he and my other gay guy friends are invited to the bachelorette party. Should he be invited to the shower as well? I don't want him to feel left out because he's important to me, but he would be the only non-relative and only guy there and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Plus I'm not the one throwing the shower - so I have to decide if I should include him on the invitation list that I gave to the party's host.

Your friend's sexual orientation has precisely zero to do with what party he's invited to. If he's your best friend and you'd like to have him at your shower, invite him. He can then make his own decision on whether he'd like to attend, the same with every other invitee to every other event ever.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

One of my best friend is a gay guy. We would have had him as a groomsman but both my FI and I only have brothers - a total of 5. Our wedding is small and we don't want it to get out of control so thought it was fair to cut the wedding party off at immediate family and find enough female friends to walk with them. I suggested having my friend as some sort of pseudo-bridesmaid but my Fi didn't want one of his brothers to walk with another guy. I understand.

What else should he be invited to? He's usually "one of the girls" so he and my other gay guy friends are invited to the bachelorette party. Should he be invited to the shower as well? I don't want him to feel left out because he's important to me, but he would be the only non-relative and only guy there and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Plus I'm not the one throwing the shower - so I have to decide if I should include him on the invitation list that I gave to the party's host.

What @KatieinBkln said.

Why are you so hung up on his sexual orientation? It just sounds to me as though you're not looking at him as a friend, but as a gay friend.

LondonLisa · June 2014

well, firstly, you get to chose who you want in your wedding party irrespective of what your Fi says. Just because your friend is on your side does not mean he has to walk down the aisle with another man. I have seen plenty of men in the "Man of Honour" role at a wedding that recessed with one BM and two men or just walking by himself. If you want him in your WP, you should just ask him. Often they just wore a suit and a tie in a similar colour as the bridesmaids.

Secondly, ditto the above. His sexual orientation has nothing to do with your invitations. Just invite him to every party that you would like him to attend. It really is that simple.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

LondonLisa said:

well, firstly, you get to chose who you want in your wedding party irrespective of what your Fi says. Just because your friend is on your side does not mean he has to walk down the aisle with another man. I have seen plenty of men in the "Man of Honour" role at a wedding that recessed with one BM and two men or just walking by himself. If you want him in your WP, you should just ask him. Often they just wore a suit and a tie in a similar colour as the bridesmaids.

Secondly, ditto the above. His sexual orientation has nothing to do with your invitations. Just invite him to every party that you would like him to attend. It really is that simple.

My friend had her Best Man escort her mother, and stand on the bride's side wearing a purple tie that matched our dresses while the groomsmen wore teal. There ended up being 4 on her side and 3 on her husband's.

photokitty · June 2014

ditto PPs.

Also you don't have to have any even number of guys and gals. You can have the guys walk in separately. You can have one guy on each side of a girl. Or two men can walk down the aisle together without linking arms - sorry, but your FI is being narrow minded. The priest and deacon do it that way all all Catholic weddings. Ushers walk down the aisle together. Just because they are walking side by side doesn't make them a couple.

If you want him int he wedding party you should find a solution that works. "Finding enough females" to have even sides isn't best solution. Asking the people most important to you to stand up with you is the best solution.

climbingsingle · June 2014

One of my best friends happens to be a gay man. He's coming to my bachelorette party. If I was having a shower, he'd be invited to that too. And if I was having a bridal party, he'd be standing up for me on my side. His sexual orientation has nothing to do with this.

wanderingbookworm · June 2014

I'm with you on the uneven sides, but remember, it's my Fi's wedding too, and he wanted equal sides. I'm not the only one involved here.

My concern was for his comfort since while obviously I am fine with him, not everyone in my fairly conservative family is.

Thank you for the advice. I will invite him to the shower and leave attendance to his prerogative.

iloveotters2014 · June 2014

I think you guys are being a little harsh with the OP. I didn't get that she was "hung up" on his orientation from that post....but hung up on his gender of being a man invited to a female only shower.

OP - Invite your friend, it's ultimately his choice if he wants to go. no worries there

southernbelle0915 · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

I'm with you on the uneven sides, but remember, it's my Fi's wedding too, and he wanted equal sides. I'm not the only one involved here.

My concern was for his comfort since while obviously I am fine with him, not everyone in my fairly conservative family is.

Thank you for the advice. I will invite him to the shower and leave attendance to his prerogative.

You are absolutely right that you're only half of the decision making that goes into many aspects of your wedding. However, choosing your attendants is one of the elements where you're 100% the decision maker. His attendants are 100% his choice.

I'm a little sad for your friendship with this guy though.. it sounds like even sides and your family's opinion about this person's sexuality has meant a very special friend of yours isn't as involved as you might like him to be. It's completely your choice if you want to change that.

climbingsingle · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

I'm with you on the uneven sides, but remember, it's my Fi's wedding too, and he wanted equal sides. I'm not the only one involved here.

My concern was for his comfort since while obviously I am fine with him, not everyone in my fairly conservative family is.

Thank you for the advice. I will invite him to the shower and leave attendance to his prerogative.

I really don't understand why equal sides are so important.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

wanderingbookworm said:

I'm with you on the uneven sides, but remember, it's my Fi's wedding too, and he wanted equal sides. I'm not the only one involved here.

My concern was for his comfort since while obviously I am fine with him, not everyone in my fairly conservative family is.

Thank you for the advice. I will invite him to the shower and leave attendance to his prerogative.

You are absolutely right that you're only half of the decision making that goes into many aspects of your wedding. However, choosing your attendants is one of the elements where you're 100% the decision maker. His attendants are 100% his choice.

I'm a little sad for your friendship with this guy though.. it sounds like even sides and your family's opinion about this person's sexuality has meant a very special friend of yours isn't as involved as you might like him to be. It's completely your choice if you want to change that.

I totally agree with the bolded. And even sides is a pretty silly thing to insist upon, especially if doing so means you don't have your nearest and dearest in your WP. Is he only insisting upon it because of how the pictures will look, or because that's the only way he's seen it done? A quick Google of "uneven wedding party" will give you lots of examples to show him that it really is perfectly fine.

wanderingbookworm · June 2014

Thank you to Iloveletters2014 and KatieinBkln for having reading skills and being helpful and answering the question about an invitation to a bridal shower instead of:

- telling me who I should have in my bridal party

- telling me how it's wrong that the sides should be even

- telling me that I shouldn't consider what my future husband thinks about HIS wedding

- insinuating that I have a problem with someone who I said is a close friend's sexual preference

For real ladies, how are we supposed to lean on each other for support if all you're looking to do is tear each other down?

AddieCake · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

wanderingbookworm said:

I'm with you on the uneven sides, but remember, it's my Fi's wedding too, and he wanted equal sides. I'm not the only one involved here.

My concern was for his comfort since while obviously I am fine with him, not everyone in my fairly conservative family is.

Thank you for the advice. I will invite him to the shower and leave attendance to his prerogative.

I really don't understand why equal sides are so important.

My guess is that neither he nor his family has never seen/been to a wedding that didn't have them, so he can't picture it. I think a lot of people are that way. If they have only ever seen matching bridesmaids and even sides, they don't realize it can be different.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

One of my best friend is a gay guy. We would have had him as a groomsman but both my FI and I only have brothers - a total of 5. Our wedding is small and we don't want it to get out of control so thought it was fair to cut the wedding party off at immediate family and find enough female friends to walk with them. I suggested having my friend as some sort of pseudo-bridesmaid but my Fi didn't want one of his brothers to walk with another guy. I understand.

What else should he be invited to? He's usually "one of the girls" so he and my other gay guy friends are invited to the bachelorette party. Should he be invited to the shower as well? I don't want him to feel left out because he's important to me, but he would be the only non-relative and only guy there and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Plus I'm not the one throwing the shower - so I have to decide if I should include him on the invitation list that I gave to the party's host.

I'm still hung up on this. I would be pretty disgusted with my Fi if he thought it was offensive for one of his brothers to walk with another guy after the ceremony. Is this kindergarten?

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

Thank you to Iloveletters2014 and KatieinBkln for having reading skills and being helpful and answering the question about an invitation to a bridal shower instead of:

- telling me who I should have in my bridal party
- telling me how it's wrong that the sides should be even
- telling me that I shouldn't consider what my future husband thinks about HIS wedding
- insinuating that I have a problem with someone who I said is a close friend's sexual preference

For real ladies, how are we supposed to lean on each other for support if all you're looking to do is tear each other down?

Nobody's tearing you down. We're trying to help keep you from making some serious Etiquette faux pas and offending your friends, because this is a site about wedding etiquette, not just blind support.

If we see a bad idea or a flawed line of thinking, we're not just going to ignore it. If you ask what the best getaway vehicle is for a bank robbery, we're gonna tell you not to rob the bank, not just say "Corvette."

KatieinBkln · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

Thank you to Iloveletters2014 and KatieinBkln for having reading skills and being helpful and answering the question about an invitation to a bridal shower instead of:

- telling me who I should have in my bridal party
- telling me how it's wrong that the sides should be even
- telling me that I shouldn't consider what my future husband thinks about HIS wedding
- insinuating that I have a problem with someone who I said is a close friend's sexual preference

For real ladies, how are we supposed to lean on each other for support if all you're looking to do is tear each other down?

Hey now, hey now. I know some people jumped in and mentioned things that you didn't specifically ask about, but I have to say: when you post on an advice board, your entire paragraph is up for critique. Honestly I thought a lot of the responses were good. Maybe you have all that stuff worked out, maybe you aren't concerned about some of the "between the lines" stuff that other posters picked up on...but as a general rule, I think it's GOOD that people pick up on that stuff, because I've seen it happen over and over again that an OP says, "Oh my god, I didn't even realize that issue X is an issue, thank you!" or "Oh dear, I realize I made it sound like X when really it's Y."

People are going to close-read your question. They may misinterpret, they may offer advice you don't need, they may make you feel scrutinized in a way that perhaps you didn't expect. But none of those things is antithetical to "support."

wanderingbookworm · June 2014

lolo883, then let me allow you to stop your serious faux pas, and I'm sure you will interpret it and take it as a supportive comment:

You don't need to do anything other than answer the question IF you know the correct answer. You don't have to answer if you don't read the question and know the correct answer. Nobody is asking for you to correct their line of thinking and that's a pretty arrogant thing to think someone on an internet message board should do for someone else.

And now I'm done. You can continue wasting your time on this. The two posters that I mentioned by name, I thank you again for your helpful comment. The rest of you can go yowl and scratch strangers on the internet to your hearts desire.

yogablossom · June 2014

I think if you want him at your shower, ask him if he's cool with possibly being the only man there, and have him be there

One of my best friends is gay and he is in my bridal party as a "bridal attendant"/ "bridesman" and if I have a shower and/or bachelorette, he will most certainly be there!

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Oh, also! I just thought of this, but it seems pertinent: It seemed like the OP really wanted her friend to be in the bridal party, but didn't include him because of her FI's concerns (which seemed largely logistical, honestly. I'm not going to assume that he has a huge problem with gay people). People chiming in to say, "Oh, please don't let equal sides/walking down the aisle logistics stop you from including your best friend in the WP!" is just about as supportive a piece of advice as I can imagine, actually.

charlottesmom0626 · June 2014

this is all that comes to mind:

LondonLisa · June 2014

wanderingbookworm said:

lolo883, then let me allow you to stop your serious faux pas, and I'm sure you will interpret it and take it as a supportive comment:

You don't need to do anything other than answer the question IF you know the correct answer. You don't have to answer if you don't read the question and know the correct answer. Nobody is asking for you to correct their line of thinking and that's a pretty arrogant thing to think someone on an internet message board should do for someone else.

And now I'm done. You can continue wasting your time on this. The two posters that I mentioned by name, I thank you again for your helpful comment. The rest of you can go yowl and scratch strangers on the internet to your hearts desire.

This is one of the most hillariously, inappropriately hostile reactions I have ever seen on TK. How dare we suggest ways for you to include your friend when you asked for ways to include your friend!

AddieCake · June 2014

Guys, you have to stop letting me day drink.

Nymeru · June 2014

I think that ultimately what you'll learn from these boards is that everyone has an opinion and is willing to share it, but if you leave yourself open to a forum, you'll always get people who point out all sorts of flaws in whatever you do. It's not necessarily a bad thing, because for the most-part I believe it comes from a good place, but you do have to be prepared to get more than you asked for.

That said, just go with what feels right to you. If it makes you happy, do it. I've learned that there is no way to please everyone when it comes to a wedding. The best you can do is do what makes you feel happy. Invite your friend to anything you'd like him to go to. He'll let you know if he's uncomfortable.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

Your male friend is not "one of the girls". His sexual orintation does not make him "one of the girls". Just because he hangs out with you and your female friends, still does not make him "one of the girls". Being gay doesn't change your gender. I'm not "one of the guys" because I'm a lesbian and hang out with dudes. I'm still a woman.

And seriously, your FI can't handle one of his brothers walking with another dude? Yeah, I'm sure everyone would think his brother is a gay if they saw that. Or worse, his brother would probably catch the gay and be singing showtunes at your reception!

Invite him to whatever you'd like to invite him to because he's your friend. Not because he's your gay friend. What are you going to do at the reception though? Is he allowed to sit with the straight people? Can he bring a male date and dance with said male date? Will your FI be able to handle that?

MairePoppy · June 2014

My brother and his husband would not be happy to be called 'the girls.'

OP, I think you got off on the wrong foot by calling him your 'gay friend.' You thought you were giving pertinent information with that phrase, but you weren't. The fact that he's gay is irrelevant. He's your friend and he shouldn't be excluded from your wedding party because some other guy might be offended to walk with him. I understand you only wanted us to answer your specific question, but if we don't stand up against discrimination, we aren't any better than your homophobe friends.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

MairePoppy said:

My brother and his husband would not be happy to be called 'the girls.'

OP, I think you got off on the wrong foot by calling him your 'gay friend.' You thought you were giving pertinent information with that phrase, but you weren't. The fact that he's gay is irrelevant. He's your friend and he shouldn't be excluded from your wedding party because some other guy might be offended to walk with him. I understand you only wanted us to answer your specific question, but if we don't stand up against discrimination, we aren't any better than your homophobe friends.

This, so much. Maybe, maybe, his gender is pertinent because the bridal shower is generally a female-only event (that's another conversation). But his sexual orientation really is not pertinent to what you were asking about, OP. The fact that you thought it was pertinent makes it sound like you're hung up on his orientation.

I just don't see why his orientation would matter. If he's your platonic friend, he's not romantically interested in you, which is the only way I'd expect his romantic inclinations to factor in at all. The thought process of whether to invite him to the shower would be exactly the same if he was a straight guy friend. It should be the same regardless of gender, too. He's your friend? Awesome, that's all that matters.

monkeysip · June 2014

I'm LOLing at OP's hissy fit here. Good lord, no one got snarky with her, and she's basically GBCKing already.

I agree with several points earlier.

1. I don't think FI's desire for even sides trumps her desire to include her male friend in her wedding party. Weddings are about compromise, but not compromising your friends for your FI's dumb aesthetic preferences.

2. Like Magicink said, gay people don't change gender. My gay male friend was like, "DON'T invite me to your bridal shower", lol. I mean, if its a co-ed shower, then by all means, invite whoever you want. But I think it's weird if you're having an all-female shower to be like, "Well, my gay friend is like a girl, so come join us girls, teehee!"

3. Why oh why do bridal party members have to walk with each other down the aisle? All of our bridal party walked separate... and they were glad! Whether male/female or male/male or female/female, a lot of people would much prefer to walk alone and not have to hold arms with someone they barely know. Why does the whole "BUT WHO ARE THEY GOING TO WALK WITH???" both people so much?

crunchymamaof2 · June 2014

This is a pretty offensive post and I'd be ticked if I was your friend and stumbled upon this. I'd also be really irritated to be one of the females chosen as space fillers. I mean really. I think it's great you want your if to have so much say (as he should) but is is one he and you need to let go of. The guys and girls don't have to walk together even with even sides. They can all walk in a line instead of in pairs. Pick those who you're closest to, regardless of what genitalia they have. Your friend can be your man of honor.

If you want him at your shower then include high on the guest list you give whoever is hosting. And stop worrying about him being gay. I bet he'd be much more comfortable if you treat him normally instead of trying to mak accommodations based on his sexuality.

MairePoppy · June 2014

I hope @wonderingbookworm hasn't checked out and she's still reading the responses. When I make an offensive or ignorant remark on TK, I'd rather be called on it by any of you, than hurt someones feelings, IRL. I have been called out a few times, it's embarrassing, but I lived. I'm still here and better off for it.

What should my gay friend be invited to?

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