Should She Be My Bridesmaid?

alexandra0522 · June 2014

Hello, fellow brides! I have a question and I could use your advice.

My fiancé is in a band with four other people: three guys and one girl. He and I are both close friends with his bandmates and he plans on asking his male bandmates to be his groomsmen, so am I obligated to ask his female bandmate to be a bridesmaid? I am close with her and she has been my friend for a few years, but I don't consider her to be a close enough friend to be a bridesmaid considering my other bridesmaids are either family members or lifelong friends. That being said, I know that she would be hurt if I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid, so I feel bad not asking her. What should I do?

Jen4948 · June 2014

If you don't think she's a close enough friend to ask to be your bridesmaid, don't ask her. Something we regulars here tend to suggest is, the persons you ask to be in your wedding party should be those you are close enough to that you would call them to ask for help with hiding a body in the small hours of the night. If this female bandmate doesn't fall in that category, don't ask her.

Liatris2010 · June 2014

If you don't feel close enough to want her to be a BM, don't ask her. She is your FI's band-mate, if she is upset at being left-out that should be directed at him, not you. Is there a reason he doesn't ask her to stand on his side?

AddieCake · June 2014

Ditto Jen. Choosing your wedding party should be a no-brainer; you shouldn't have to hem and haw in your selections b/c you should only choose those closest to you.

slothiegal · June 2014

Nope. You are never under any kind of obligation to have certain people in your wedding party. If she is really that important, your FI will ask her to stand on his side.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

Is there a reason he can't have her stand on his side? She's his friend, and the last I checked, anti-vagina forcefield machines are too expensive to rent anyway.

alexandra0522 · June 2014

I honestly hadn't thought of her standing on his side. Would she dress like a bridesmaid but have the same duties as a groomsman? Just trying to figure out how this would work. Thanks for the help, ladies.

Jen4948 · June 2014

alexandra0522 said:

I honestly hadn't thought of her standing on his side. Would she dress like a bridesmaid but have the same duties as a groomsman? Just trying to figure out how this would work. Thanks for the help, ladies.

Pretty much, yes, although she wouldn't attend any bachelor parties or other occasions designated for "the guys." She wouldn't have to wear a bridesmaid's dress, but she'd stand with the groomsmen and walk down the aisle if they are.

Viczaesar · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

show previous quotes

alexandra0522 said:

I honestly hadn't thought of her standing on his side. Would she dress like a bridesmaid but have the same duties as a groomsman? Just trying to figure out how this would work. Thanks for the help, ladies.

Pretty much, yes, although she wouldn't attend any bachelor parties or other occasions designated for "the guys." She wouldn't have to wear a bridesmaid's dress, but she'd stand with the groomsmen and walk down the aisle if they are.

Not necessarily true.

AddieCake · June 2014

My husband's groomswoman was in charge of and attended his bachelor party. So if this woman wants to go, she could.

alexandra0522 · June 2014

His female bandmate is "one of the guys", so I think she would be fine with being a "groomswoman". In fact, I think she would prefer it since she's closer with my fiancé and his groomsmen than she is with my bridesmaids and I. My fiancé, on the other hand, is not so on board with the idea. I talked to him about it and he thinks it would be weird for her to be a "groomswoman". He's more traditional, so he thinks she should just be a bridesmaid. I explained to him that I do want her to be in our wedding since she has an important role in both of our lives, but since he's closer to her than I am, it would make more sense for her to stand on his side rather than mine. He said he would think about it, so we'll see. It isn't that he's pressuring me to ask her to be a bridesmaid: it's more like he would rather her not be in the wedding than ask her to be a "groomswoman" because he thinks it's weird. On another note, if she is a "groomswoman", would she wear the same dress as my bridesmaids?

AddieCake · June 2014

She could wear the same dress, or a simple black dress or other color to match your fiance and his groomsmen. You can see in my sig pic our groomswoman chose to match my husband's suit and she is also wearing a coral colored shirt and lighter coral tie to match our coral wedding color. She likes men's clothing, though. Not all ladies who stand on the groom's side would opt for a tie. She could also do a reading if you want to include her but not have her actually in the wedding party.

ashley8918 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

show previous quotes

alexandra0522 said:

I honestly hadn't thought of her standing on his side. Would she dress like a bridesmaid but have the same duties as a groomsman? Just trying to figure out how this would work. Thanks for the help, ladies.

Pretty much, yes, although she wouldn't attend any bachelor parties or other occasions designated for "the guys." She wouldn't have to wear a bridesmaid's dress, but she'd stand with the groomsmen and walk down the aisle if they are.

Why not? My man of honor is attending the shower and planning hosting my bachelorette party. Is this not allowed because he doesn't possess a vagina?

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

Groomswomen can either wear a dress matching the men in colors, a suit if she hates dresses, or she could even wear the same dress as BMs. Just stress to your FI that the position isn't about gender, it's about having those who are close to you stand by your side.

Liatris2010 · June 2014

Attendants should get some say in their attire. Assuming she stands on his side, why don't you ask her what she would like to wear. Maybe a dress in the BM color, the color of the GM's suits, or a chic pant suit. There are no bad options.

alexandra0522 · June 2014

Thanks for all of the help, ladies. One more question: would walk down the aisle with her? I know the bridesmaids usually walk down the aisle with the groomsmen, so could she still walk down the aisle with a groomsman if she is a groomswoman?

NYCMercedes · June 2014

alexandra0522 said:

Thanks for all of the help, ladies. One more question: would walk down the aisle with her? I know the bridesmaids usually walk down the aisle with the groomsmen, so could she still walk down the aisle with a groomsman if she is a groomswoman?

Yep.

Jen4948 · June 2014

ashley8918 said:

show previous quotes

Jen4948 said:

alexandra0522 said:

I honestly hadn't thought of her standing on his side. Would she dress like a bridesmaid but have the same duties as a groomsman? Just trying to figure out how this would work. Thanks for the help, ladies.

Pretty much, yes, although she wouldn't attend any bachelor parties or other occasions designated for "the guys." She wouldn't have to wear a bridesmaid's dress, but she'd stand with the groomsmen and walk down the aisle if they are.

Why not? My man of honor is attending the shower and planning hosting my bachelorette party. Is this not allowed because he doesn't possess a vagina?

If an attendant of the opposite sex wants to attend a bachelor/ette party, more power to them. But if they don't, that should be respected.

Nymeru · June 2014

You don't necessarily have to have the BMs and GM walk down the aisle together either, if that feels strange to you. You could have them all walk in individually, or do it where all the GM (plus GW) are already standing with the groom by the altar and just have your BM and you walk down the aisle. Do whatever feels right to you.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Agreeing with all the PP, I wouldn't ask her to be a BM. But since you are friends with her and probably interact with her on a regular basis, I would include her on the invite lists for the bridal shower & bachlorette party.

doeydo · June 2014

She could wear a dress that matches the groomsmen's colours:

Or a suit:

Or match the colour of bridesmaids' dresses:

Should She Be My Bridesmaid?

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