Hi everyone!
I havent been on in a bit. Ive been avoiding most anything involving "wedding" things. We did get married May 24, as planned. I dont remember much. Not because I was intoxicated (think I had one drink) but because it was a very difficult day. My mother in laws body was found 4 days prior in the woods in the area where we had been searching. During a routine traffic stop an officer was down wind and followed the odor. We expected the worst but still, devastating. She wasn't physically identifiable just her personal belongings so we had to find her dentist for records.
Finally last week they made an official ID based on dental and now we wait for her to be released by medical examiner for cremation. We went out to the site a few says ago. Just me and my husband. I think it was the most saddest thing I have ever witnessed. With a stick, over and over again he dug threw the blackened leaves, dirt and bugs. Outlining her body. Figuring where her head, legs etc. were. Eventually, I tried to encourage him to stop but he said, "I just have to figure out how she laid so I can find where her heart was." He just wanted to know where her heart was within the outline of the horrific ground where she obviously decomposed. For me, everything went into slow motion then. I stepped back and saw the love of a grieving, desperate son. For me, the pain was so physical. A feeling so tangible within my heart. Seeing this man, my husband, who I couldnt help. I couldnt take his pain away. I couldnt make it all go away. I dont think I will ever get over those feelings-that moment.
Its such a horrific situation that Im sure the grieving process is somewhat different then a "normal" loss. He is stronger then his family. They dont talk about it. His sister has offered no wishes, no advice for the memorial. She told us that she is leaving it to him. He is having difficulty planning a memorial; nothing feels right. Hopefully once he does, we can have "official" closure and then start healing. There are moments of obvious pain and struggle yet he is "ok". His faith
is so strong and that is obvious also. He amazes me. He is such a
beautiful man.
We canceled our honeymoon. We didnt want to go and come home to plan a funeral. Now, because it is taking so long for them to release her, we arent sure we can even go away. I wont lie. I really do wish that we postponed. I didnt insist because he said that if we did, he would feel another thing was taken from him. I understood. I am so sad. A very deep sadness. I get mad too. I see my wedding gown and it makes me feel like I am going to vomit. I cant get rid of these feelings that take over me in waves.
There was a delay in wedding causing the timeline to shift (his father was too emotional) so the photographer scraped the after ceremony photos to catch sunset photos (not sure we got any). He said we would do family/bridal party photos during reception. We didnt. I dont know why other then I wasnt at my best and didnt request them ( i know I shouldnt have had to) so we didnt get any pics with bridal party or our children or families. We should get photos in about 2 weeks. I am praying I am in the right "place" when we do so seeing them will give me some good feelings that will replace the bad.
One comfort I do feel is that we are now husband and wife. That is really what it is about. Not the 17 months of planning and those "perfects" that did not happen. I will have to let so much go and just really hold tight that we are now married...and he is my husband. Its all to be grieved.
I am sharing a photo that my son took over the photographers shoulder. To your left, look in the water. There are 3 crosses that were created by small ripples. I look at this often. It makes me feel good. To me, its very clear that God was with us that day...reminding us of His blessings. A beautiful symbol. How amazing too...a Pastor's wedding photo!
I just want to thank everyone of you for your thoughts, comments and prayers. My history here with you has been one of a safe place-a refuge and I will always be so appreciative and thankful. Blessings to you and yours from the bottom of my heart.
