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Bridal Shower Problem

slkahn11slkahn11 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My FMIL has decided she wants to throw me a bridal shower because most of my friends and family are 9 hours away and she will most likely not be attending the one my bridesmaids are throwing for me. I gave her a list of people that we are inviting to the wedding that are from the area for her to invite, but she is now planning to invite people we are not inviting to the wedding. I had my fiancé tell her it is not appropriate to invite people we are not inviting to the wedding (he actually said this word for word) and she keeps saying it's ok their feelings would be hurt if we didn't invite them. These are people I have never met before and it will be the first time I am meeting them at my shower. His grandmother is also starting to say she wants to invite other people (also not coming to the wedding) and I feel like it is starting to spiral out of control. My parents are paying for most of the wedding and we don't have the money or space to invite more people. I want to make sure it is clear who is coming to the wedding but also not make this the most awkward shower for me with people I don't know. Any thoughts welcome!
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Re: Bridal Shower Problem

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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    edited June 2014
    slkahn11 said:
    My FMIL has decided she wants to throw me a bridal shower because most of my friends and family are 9 hours away and she will most likely not be attending the one my bridesmaids are throwing for me. I gave her a list of people that we are inviting to the wedding that are from the area for her to invite, but she is now planning to invite people we are not inviting to the wedding. I had my fiancé tell her it is not appropriate to invite people we are not inviting to the wedding (he actually said this word for word) and she keeps saying it's ok their feelings would be hurt if we didn't invite them. These are people I have never met before and it will be the first time I am meeting them at my shower. His grandmother is also starting to say she wants to invite other people (also not coming to the wedding) and I feel like it is starting to spiral out of control. My parents are paying for most of the wedding and we don't have the money or space to invite more people. I want to make sure it is clear who is coming to the wedding but also not make this the most awkward shower for me with people I don't know. Any thoughts welcome!
    You should talk directly with FMIL and see if you can explain it better than Fi.*

    If she absolutely refuses to come around, the right thing to do is probably decline the shower.  Technically if you accept the shower, this is her faux pas as the host-- not yours.  But it would still be really awkward when all these people start asking you about the wedding and saying they're looking forward to it.  Because they will assume they are invited, and feelings will be hurt.  You really should just decline at that point.

    *Edited for reading fail, thanks Teddy
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    Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    JCbride2015 said:


    slkahn11 said:

    My FMIL has decided she wants to throw me a bridal shower because most of my friends and family are 9 hours away and she will most likely not be attending the one my bridesmaids are throwing for me. I gave her a list of people that we are inviting to the wedding that are from the area for her to invite, but she is now planning to invite people we are not inviting to the wedding. I had my fiancé tell her it is not appropriate to invite people we are not inviting to the wedding (he actually said this word for word) and she keeps saying it's ok their feelings would be hurt if we didn't invite them. These are people I have never met before and it will be the first time I am meeting them at my shower. His grandmother is also starting to say she wants to invite other people (also not coming to the wedding) and I feel like it is starting to spiral out of control. My parents are paying for most of the wedding and we don't have the money or space to invite more people. I want to make sure it is clear who is coming to the wedding but also not make this the most awkward shower for me with people I don't know. Any thoughts welcome!

    You should talk directly with your sister and explain why you are uncomfortable (idk why your Fi would do this instead of you).  

    If she absolutely refuses to come around, the right thing to do is probably decline the shower.  Technically if you accept the shower, this is her faux pas as the host-- not yours.  But it would still be really awkward when all these people start asking you about the wedding and saying they're looking forward to it.  Because they will assume they are invited, and feelings will be hurt.  You really should just decline at that point.


    Correct me if I'm wrong buts it's her FMIL not her sister. So her Fi should be the one addressing his mother.

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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    @Teddy917 Duh, how did I read that as sister?  It's been a long day.

    So yeah it makes sense OP's Fi would talk to his mom first.  But OP can still approach her directly.
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    While still a pre-wedding event, a luncheon (no gifts) would mitigate her faux pas somewhat. Suggest she consider that, as you don't want to appear gift grabby.
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    offensivekitten2offensivekitten2 member
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    Decline the shower. For real, if she's being this much of a pain about it, then it's not even a gift anymore, but rather a burden.



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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    This would be a hill I would die on.  "I am very uncomfortable inviting anybody to the shower who is not invited to the wedding.  If you insist on adding to the guest list, I will have to decline the shower."  She can have a regular party at her house, completely not wedding related (not even a Ladies Luncheon would feel right) and invite these people she wants you to know and invite you and your fiance to meet them.  She can do this either before or after the wedding, but it should just be a regular party, nothing wedding related.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I would tell her directly: "FMIL, I'm more than happy to meet these guests at a non-wedding-related event, but I'm not comfortable with inviting anyone to a shower who isn't invited to the wedding.  So I'm requesting that if the shower go forward, these people not be invited.  Otherwise, I can't agree to the shower."
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