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Wedding party dilemma

hyperzenhyperzen member
in Wedding Party
Hi,

I am a 40+ (pushing 50) bride on her second go-round. This will be my fiance's first marriage. If it were up to me, we would go somewhere and do a small ceremony, but he wants to do things fairly customarily, with a few twists.

My dilemma is that my best friend lives on the opposite coast and has multiple health issues. She is also very sensitive and a huge worrier. I told her when the wedding was but told her that I would completely understand if she couldn't be there. She really never knows from day to day how she will feel...she is already obsessing about coming and worrying over small things, and our wedding isn't for another 18 months.  Under normal circumstances, I would ask her to be in the wedding party in a heartbeat, but I don't want to put additional pressure on her to make the trip if she's not up for it. I guess I should just tell her that and see what she says, but I thought I'd see what others think.

Thanks!
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Re: Wedding party dilemma

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    bcm4585bcm4585 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited June 2014
    Are you interested in having her in the party with the risk she may not be able to make it? Because you could always ask her if she'd like to be in the party, and really emphasize that you'll have contingency plans if she can't actually make it and that you don't want to put any pressure on her to do anything, etc. 

    Just make sure your actions back it up. Such as, picking a dress that's cheaper/versatile/easy for your BP to find so she's not spending tons of money on a dress and then having to worry about will she even get to wear it, offering to Skype her in to things she can't physically be present for, figuring out her housing for the event really early, preferably at a trusted friend or family member's home so she doesn't feel stuck if she can't go, etc. 

    Or, if you don't want her in the party and are just trying to figure out a way to explain to her why you aren't going to ask her, you don't really owe anyone a reason for not asking them. If you bring it up it would likely just make her feel worse about her illnesses that they are being used as a reason to exclude her by someone she loves. If she asks you should just say that with the distance you didn't want to put pressure on her to *have* to come but that you'd love to have her there to celebrate with you if she is able, something along those lines. 

    ETA: also, at 18 months away, you don't have to rush and pick a party now anyway. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You don't need any "contingency plans" (WTF does that even mean?). If you would like her to be in the wedding party, you should ask her, and you can tell her you will understand and be completely fine if she isn't up to it when the time comes.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    bcm4585bcm4585 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    AddieCake said:
    You don't need any "contingency plans" (WTF does that even mean?). If you would like her to be in the wedding party, you should ask her, and you can tell her you will understand and be completely fine if she isn't up to it when the time comes.
    If she's concerned that being in the wedding party would be very stressful for her friend, she could alleviate that stress by making it easier for her to back out if she needs to, like finding lodging options that won't require an expensive deposit and things like that. If she thinks her friend might want to do it but would be stressed about it, why not let her know that she's willing to be flexible so she has less to worry about? Telling a chronic worrier that it's fine if things don't work out is one thing, actually having a plan to make it fine if things don't work out is going to be a lot more affective at relieving anxiety. 

    If she really worries that much, she may be stressed about doing it but would feel guilty saying no. Sure, OP doesn't need to do anything other than ask and say it's fine if she can't, and maybe her friend doesn't even want to do it at all and won't mind saying no, but I read this as the OP feeling concerned for her friend's anxiety level in regard to her wedding. If OP is concerned about the friend's possible anxiety there are things she could consider to alleviate that.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OK, I see what you mean now. I am used to people's contingency plans around here meaning having a backup MOH. Apologies.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    bcm4585bcm4585 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Yeah, once you said that I realized "contingency" probably wasn't the best word choice, figured I'd try to explain it more. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    Here's an idea, for now don't ask her. I know that might sound rude but like you said, you don't want to add stress to her life. What if you have someone else be your MOH, but when it comes to the dress just have your BM get a knee length dress of their choice in say Navy or Black. I would probably go with black. If your BF if well enough to attend the wedding you can always say, hey do you have a black dress by the way, because since you're coming I would love for you to be a BM. So what if you end up with uneven sides. Or  if she does make it, if you go for mani/pedi invite her to come. Or if you go to a salon the day of, invite her to come & get a blow out done. What women doesn't enjoy a little pampering, especially if their healthy isn't the best most days. It might be a great pick me up.

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