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phil&selli · June 2014

Side note: we have also offered to find a pay for a babysitter while the kids would be there.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

phil&selli said:

So I have a question that I cannot find any advice about on the internet. The situation is this: My fiancée and I are having a small destination wedding (40-50 people in total). We found a wonderful venue in Vermont that we both fell in love with. It's about a five hour drive (and an affordable hour-long flight from New York), where most of the bride's guests are coming from. The sister of the bride is in the bridal party and has twin five-year-old boys. Also she is currently separated from her husband, who just doesn't want to come to the wedding. We know the distance is tough, but we always assumed that the bride's sister would automatically bring the kids to the wedding. She is not. We love the kids, their aunt (the bride) has helped take care of them their whole lives and has always been there to babysit at the drop of a hat. I've been a part of their lives for the past two years, and we both love them to death. The bride was talking to her sister as we were planning the wedding and the sister was so excited that they would be joint ring bearers, never expressing a reservation. Now, 2.5 weeks before the wedding she has decided that the wedding would "stress out" the kids too much, and we are a little bit heartbroken. I think it's important for them to be at an event where they will be surrounded by family. I understand that the distance is difficult, and I wouldn't jump at the chance to drive and take care of twin boys by myself. I would do it in a heartbeat for family, however, as would my fiancée if the show were on the other foot. We have offered to pay for a slightly extended trip, splitting up the driving days and paying for hotel/entertainment. We have offered to pay for flights (she lives ten minutes from the airport.) We have even offered to drive the kids up ourselves the day before the wedding, and have them be our responsibility. The mother of the bride has also offered to help out, but the two brothers (who both live at home) seem unwilling to help, and the sister has decided (for the first time in her life) that she is too proud to accept or expect help. We are having a very hard time sympathizing with her plight, especially because she keeps coming up with reasons for not bringing the kids. First it was the length of the journey, then it was maybe something bad will happen, then she was worried about their behavior, and now it's that the kids would be stressed. If it was a scheduling issue, we would certainly understand, but she is not working at the time of the wedding and is completely available. We have tried to impress upon her how much it would mean to us to have the kids there. Were we wrong to expect that the bride would get to see her only nephews at her wedding? Are we being unreasonable? Has anyone ever heard of something like this happening? It all came as quite a surprise; we just never expected the mother to come without her children. Any suggestions?

Your post seems to go back and forth between first and third person. Assuming you are the bride, you're saying that your recently separated sister is coming to your semi-destination wedding without her two children? Do I understand correctly?

lyndausvi · June 2014

she is the mother. She knows best. Did you every think SHE needs a few day break? A mom might be able to relax away from the kids than with kids there with a babysitter.

I get you are disappointed, but I would let it go.

mysticl · June 2014

You said she's separated from her husband. There may be some custody issues at play here that she is not comfortable sharing. For example he may not have consented to her taking them on the trip. Especially, since it sounds like the trip is out of state.

AlexisA01 · June 2014

NYCMercedes said:

phil&selli said:

So I have a question that I cannot find any advice about on the internet. The situation is this: My fiancée and I are having a small destination wedding (40-50 people in total). We found a wonderful venue in Vermont that we both fell in love with. It's about a five hour drive (and an affordable hour-long flight from New York), where most of the bride's guests are coming from. The sister of the bride is in the bridal party and has twin five-year-old boys. Also she is currently separated from her husband, who just doesn't want to come to the wedding. We know the distance is tough, but we always assumed that the bride's sister would automatically bring the kids to the wedding. She is not. We love the kids, their aunt (the bride) has helped take care of them their whole lives and has always been there to babysit at the drop of a hat. I've been a part of their lives for the past two years, and we both love them to death. The bride was talking to her sister as we were planning the wedding and the sister was so excited that they would be joint ring bearers, never expressing a reservation. Now, 2.5 weeks before the wedding she has decided that the wedding would "stress out" the kids too much, and we are a little bit heartbroken. I think it's important for them to be at an event where they will be surrounded by family. I understand that the distance is difficult, and I wouldn't jump at the chance to drive and take care of twin boys by myself. I would do it in a heartbeat for family, however, as would my fiancée if the show were on the other foot. We have offered to pay for a slightly extended trip, splitting up the driving days and paying for hotel/entertainment. We have offered to pay for flights (she lives ten minutes from the airport.) We have even offered to drive the kids up ourselves the day before the wedding, and have them be our responsibility. The mother of the bride has also offered to help out, but the two brothers (who both live at home) seem unwilling to help, and the sister has decided (for the first time in her life) that she is too proud to accept or expect help. We are having a very hard time sympathizing with her plight, especially because she keeps coming up with reasons for not bringing the kids. First it was the length of the journey, then it was maybe something bad will happen, then she was worried about their behavior, and now it's that the kids would be stressed. If it was a scheduling issue, we would certainly understand, but she is not working at the time of the wedding and is completely available. We have tried to impress upon her how much it would mean to us to have the kids there. Were we wrong to expect that the bride would get to see her only nephews at her wedding? Are we being unreasonable? Has anyone ever heard of something like this happening? It all came as quite a surprise; we just never expected the mother to come without her children. Any suggestions?

Your post seems to go back and forth between first and third person. Assuming you are the bride, you're saying that your recently separated sister is coming to your semi-destination wedding without her two children? Do I understand correctly?

It sounds like to me, that it is the to be groom and he is talking about his fiancee's sister (FSIL).

JaxInBlue · June 2014

mysticl said:

You said she's separated from her husband. There may be some custody issues at play here that she is not comfortable sharing. For example he may not have consented to her taking them on the trip. Especially, since it sounds like the trip is out of state.

I think mystic may be on to something. If your FSIL (this is phil, right?) is currently negotiating custody with her soon-to-be-ex, it may not be possible for the boys to leave NY. It could be anything from her not wanting to engage the ex in a conversation (since he's not going) to a court order that prevents the kids from leaving.

Let this go. If you and your fiancee want to see your nephews, plan to do so on either side of your wedding, in NY. It's disappointing, yes, that they won't be present, but at 5 years old it is probably not going to be a lingering disappointment for them.

AddieCake · June 2014

They are her kids. She gets to decide what happens with them. Please stop pushing her to bring the kids when she has made it clear that will not be happening.

lilacck28 · June 2014

Yes, I also assumed that this post was written by the groom about his future wife's sister. And I agree with PP. You offerred what help you could, and told your future sister in law that you would like her children to be there. Other than that, there is nothing you can do. They are her children, she decides where they go. And I think you need to try and stop being so angry with her for making decisions about her children and her life. You can't kidnap her children and force them to attend the wedding. Further, your post makes it sound like you and your future wife don't care at all that she is making a 5 hour trip to attend your wedding, only that she isn't bringing who you actually care about, the kids. She might not have come at all! Try to appreciate who comes without resenting those who do not.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

@AlexisA01‌ Very good and thank you. It all makes sense to me now.

OP, let the boys' mom choose what is best for her little family and her new situation.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

JaxInBlue said:

mysticl said:

You said she's separated from her husband. There may be some custody issues at play here that she is not comfortable sharing. For example he may not have consented to her taking them on the trip. Especially, since it sounds like the trip is out of state.

I think mystic may be on to something. If your FSIL (this is phil, right?) is currently negotiating custody with her soon-to-be-ex, it may not be possible for the boys to leave NY. It could be anything from her not wanting to engage the ex in a conversation (since he's not going) to a court order that prevents the kids from leaving.

Let this go. If you and your fiancee want to see your nephews, plan to do so on either side of your wedding, in NY. It's disappointing, yes, that they won't be present, but at 5 years old it is probably not going to be a lingering disappointment for them.

This makes sense to me, too. At any point during separation and after divorce, the non-custodial parent (my dad) needed permission from my mom to take us out of state. It makes sense that if custody is not hashed out yet, both parents may need consent. Maybe your Fi's sister does not want to ask permission and have to talk to the H, or maybe he has refused permission. She might just not want to tell you guys about it.

Heck, maybe your fiancée's sister really just wants a weekend away from the kids. There could be a million other reasons.

Either way, this is one you will both have to let go. I get that you are disappointed. I don't have nephews, but I'd be bummed if Fi's young godson was unable to come. Try to make some time for your new SIL and her kids after the wedding.

AlexisA01 · June 2014

@NYCMercedes No problem!

phil&selli · June 2014

Fair points all. There is no custody issue (that we know of). Looks like we're going to let this one go. Thanks for the replies.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

Why did you delete? Stand by your question, even if you decide to let it go. Other people can learn from your post. And you just look childish trying to erase your own words. Plus you were quoted so other people can already see your post.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

Phil, it's very bad internet manners to delete your post. You were quoted anyway.

This thread needs puppies.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

scrunchythief · June 2014

Yay puppies!

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