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Etiquette

How to tell family member they arent invited

So the person i am asking about is extended family. She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. Which i know in no way actually makes us related but we have grown up as cousins. I use to be very protective of her in high school when i was a senior and she was a freshman but after i graduated we didnt talk much. After we stopped talking she started becoming a...how do i say this nicely....selfish brat who cant take "no" without becoming really rude and harsh. She is expecting to be invited to my wedding and all the parties that go along with it because shes "family" but my fiance cant stand her and my MOH use to be friends with her until she saw how manipulative she is. I know i dont want to invite her because she will start drama but how do i do it without getting backlash? I dont want to hurt her feelings but we dont talk and i dont want my FI and MOH being uncomfortable. 

Re: How to tell family member they arent invited

  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    So the person i am asking about is extended family. She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. Which i know in no way actually makes us related but we have grown up as cousins. I use to be very protective of her in high school when i was a senior and she was a freshman but after i graduated we didnt talk much. After we stopped talking she started becoming a...how do i say this nicely....selfish brat who cant take "no" without becoming really rude and harsh. She is expecting to be invited to my wedding and all the parties that go along with it because shes "family" but my fiance cant stand her and my MOH use to be friends with her until she saw how manipulative she is. I know i dont want to invite her because she will start drama but how do i do it without getting backlash? I dont want to hurt her feelings but we dont talk and i dont want my FI and MOH being uncomfortable. 
    Why don't you just not say anything and then not invite her? It is rude to say "You aren't invited", it isnt rude to not get an invite. 

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  • So the person i am asking about is extended family. She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. Which i know in no way actually makes us related but we have grown up as cousins. I use to be very protective of her in high school when i was a senior and she was a freshman but after i graduated we didnt talk much. After we stopped talking she started becoming a...how do i say this nicely....selfish brat who cant take "no" without becoming really rude and harsh. She is expecting to be invited to my wedding and all the parties that go along with it because shes "family" but my fiance cant stand her and my MOH use to be friends with her until she saw how manipulative she is. I know i dont want to invite her because she will start drama but how do i do it without getting backlash? I dont want to hurt her feelings but we dont talk and i dont want my FI and MOH being uncomfortable. 
    Why don't you just not say anything and then not invite her? It is rude to say "You aren't invited", it isnt rude to not get an invite. 
    She is honestly nosy enough to ask me flat out, when shes going to get an invite and she talks to other members in our extended family. im not planning on just telling her but i just would like to know how to face it when the storm comes. and i know it will. She will also, like i said, be rude and nasty if she isnt. 
  • It'll be much worse if you confront her beforehand. The best way is to not invite her. If SHE confronts you, then you can explain to her that unfortunately you weren't able to invite everyone. Don't give her reasons. If you give her reasons it opens the door for her to argue her way in.
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    soontobemrssawyer
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Depending how far out from your wedding you are, you can always start with: "We haven't finalized our guest list yet."  Then closer to the wedding, go with Simply Fated's response of: "I'm sorry, we were unable to invite everyone we could."
    soontobemrssawyer
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    When she asks, tell her you couldn't invite everyone you wanted and change the subject. Repeat as necessary. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    soontobemrssawyer
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:
    When she asks, tell her you couldn't invite everyone you wanted and change the subject. Repeat as necessary. 
    This is exactly what I did.  There were very legitimate reasons why certain individuals weren't invited, but rather than dredge up family drama, I bit my tongue and repeated this line.  
    Anniversary

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    soontobemrssawyer
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. 

     Stuck in box 


     Um... this adult does not know that she is a step child? Woa. Couldn't get passed that line. 
    Marzipan13pinkshorts27
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    lilacck28 said:
    She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. 

     Stuck in box 


     Um... this adult does not know that she is a step child? Woa. Couldn't get passed that line. 
    Man, the good stuff I miss while just skimming posts...!
    Anniversary

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    lilacck28
  • lilacck28 said:
    She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. 

     Stuck in box 


     Um... this adult does not know that she is a step child? Woa. Couldn't get passed that line. 
    Man, the good stuff I miss while just skimming posts...!
    Yeah she doesnt know. Shes grown up with both parents of which she has now. she knows no difference. and its not important to tell her. Its a serious issue with my family. But thats not the point of this post. 
  • If it wasn't the point of the post, there was no reason for you to mention it.  

    Basically, you don't want to invite her because you don't like her.
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer




    lilacck28 said:



    She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. 

     Stuck in box 


     Um... this adult does not know that she is a step child? Woa. Couldn't get passed that line. 

    Man, the good stuff I miss while just skimming posts...!


    Yeah she doesnt know. Shes grown up with both parents of which she has now. she knows no difference. and its not important to tell her. Its a serious issue with my family. But thats not the point of this post. 

    Oh so she thinks her stepdad/mom is her bio dad/mom? That makes slightly more sense (even though weird). I was thinking mom or dad got married and didn't ever tell her.

  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    lilacck28 said:
    She is the step daughter (she doesnt know that) of married in family. 

     Stuck in box 


     Um... this adult does not know that she is a step child? Woa. Couldn't get passed that line. 
    My dad has a cousin that was under the same impression until it all came out that his 'father' got a side piece pregnant and was also afraid of getting kicked out of the country. Then my dad's aunt put it aaaaallllllll out in the open. Shit can get so weird.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    Ultimately, you can invite or not invite anyone you want. But the "step" thing isn't a valid reason to not invite someone, which is what it sounded like you were trying to imply by mentioning that weird bit of family drama. What I mean by that is, "but she's only a step-child" is not going to be a good defense for why you did not invite her. You will look like an ass, because she clearly IS considered family. NOT "family" as you described her. I think the way you qualified the relationship as not being real because she doesn't share DNA is pretty horrible actually. 

     You'd be better off telling people who are rude enough to ask that you just don't like her. If you're going to invite other cousins, then you're probably going to get many many side-eyes.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is she going to be the only one in the family not invited? Are you singling her out?

  • Is she going to be the only one in the family not invited? Are you singling her out?
    I will not be singling her out. there is a lot of family whom i do not talk to who are expecting an invitation because they saw me once in the last few years. 
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