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Etiquette

Groom doesn't like me having a silly father-daughter dance

Both of my fiancé's parents are deceased but he likes the idea of dancing the Mother-Son dance with his sisters. We saw it at another wedding and it was really touching. Both of my parents are alive and I will be dancing the Father-Daughter dance with my dad. The thing is that after some thought, I asked my dad randomly if he'd be interested in turning the traditional Father-Daughter dance into a surprise, silly dance and he agreed! I shouldn't have been surprised because my dad can be goofy at times. Anyway, I mentioned it to my fiancé what I was thinking and he was less than enthused. He didn't say he didn't want me to do it but made a few comments about how me dancing with my dad in a funny dance will only remind him that he doesn't have his own mom to do that with. He also added that our wedding day will be very emotional for him without his parents and our silly dance will not help. I'm totally bummed because my dad and I were very excited about this AND I actually felt that by doing this, it might make him laugh and add some silliness to our party. Am I being inconsiderate for wanting this???

Re: Groom doesn't like me having a silly father-daughter dance

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    Both of my fiancé's parents are deceased but he likes the idea of dancing the Mother-Son dance with his sisters. We saw it at another wedding and it was really touching. Both of my parents are alive and I will be dancing the Father-Daughter dance with my dad. The thing is that after some thought, I asked my dad randomly if he'd be interested in turning the traditional Father-Daughter dance into a surprise, silly dance and he agreed! I shouldn't have been surprised because my dad can be goofy at times. Anyway, I mentioned it to my fiancé what I was thinking and he was less than enthused. He didn't say he didn't want me to do it but made a few comments about how me dancing with my dad in a funny dance will only remind him that he doesn't have his own mom to do that with. He also added that our wedding day will be very emotional for him without his parents and our silly dance will not help. I'm totally bummed because my dad and I were very excited about this AND I actually felt that by doing this, it might make him laugh and add some silliness to our party. Am I being inconsiderate for wanting this???
    So I posted before I even typed anything... Anyways, I am on your side with this. It is beyond horrible that both of your FI parents are deceased, but this dance is about you and your Dad and you and your Dad should decide what you want to do. Honestly, those "surprise" silly Father/Daughter dances aren't really that much of a surprise anymore, but hey, if you and and your Dad want to do that then that is your choice. I would explain to your FI that you understand that this time is hard on him but that you shouldn't have to not do something because it may possibly bring up sad feelings for him. That isn't fair to you and he shouldn't be making you feel bad because you want to dance in a silly way with your Dad.

    PrettyGirlLostthemuffinman16
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think at the end of the day, if your FI apparently doesn't want it and has dropped major hints as to his feelings why, then you shouldn't do it.  It's nice that you were attempting to make him laugh, but it's not going to get the reaction you thought.  

    Perhaps there is a happy medium; instead of the usual swaying-in-circles slow dance, learn to waltz properly. You can share something special with your dad without infringing on FI's feelings.   
    ________________________________


    melbelleupBlackLace2015japrincess24
  • I'm not really understanding at all why the "silly" dance will bother him more than a more traditional dance.  I'm almost wondering if he just doesn't like the funny/silly dance trend and is using this as an excuse.  I mean, he could do a silly dance with his sister.  I'm just not understanding the difference.

    My father is passed away also and I VERY specifically did not want any of those parent dances at my wedding because of it.  I literally go to the restroom to "powder my nose" during those dances at other people's weddings because I find them upsetting (not saying they are bad to do).  So, I could understand if he didn't want them at all.  But that apparently is not the issue, since he likes the idea of having a dance with his sister.

    In fact, it seems like the "funny" dances are much more commonly done with fathers/daughters anyway than mother/sons.  At the same time, even if we don't understand it, if for whatever reason he does think it will be more upsetting for him, than I would forego the silly dance.  Is it possible he would be okay with a compromise...like the majority of the dance is traditional and then there is a silly/funny routine at the end for the last few bars?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thanks ladies, you're all awesome.

    That's what I was thinking - that the silly dances are usually with the Father and Daughter so I didn't think it would be an issue. In addition, he's not much of dancer and if his mother were alive, I doubt he'd be into doing a surprise dance with her but that's just my opinion. I'll probably talk to him again about it. Good thing I asked him because I almost decided on not telling him and making it a surprise for him!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Does he not like the idea of "silliness" in general, or is there something specific that he's opposed to?
    There are some kinds of "silliness" I can live with and others I positively hate.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I also don't understand why a silly dance would bother him more. 

    themuffinman16
  • I'm having a hard time figuring out why a silly dance would bother him more. My dad is deceased, and father/daughter dances always make me cry. Now, if I were to see a sillier type of those dances, it probably wouldn't be as hard for me.

    That being said, I think it's important for you and your Dad to do what you would like to do. Definitely try to talk to FI again and just explain that this is important to you. I'm sorry his parents are both deceased, that's awful.
  • My parents passed away when I was little and while I can't explain it here, I understand why it could bother him more.  Even though I am not a fan of those funny dances at all, I can understand why seeing you make this special "outside the box" memory with your father would make his parents absense a bit more keenly felt.  If this is truly done to make him smile, skip it.  I am really getting the vibe that you really want to do it and are looking for some validation here.
  • No, you're right - I really do want to do it to share something special with my dad and in my circles, we haven't seen these silly dances done. One reason is to make my fiancé smile but other reasons include to make everybody smile and laugh too and bring a little silliness to the party. I also think my dad would enjoy it as much as I do and even my mom got excited when I told her.

    But I don't want to be inconsiderate and I didn't think I was...but like many have said here, I don't understand what the issue is. So I'm looking for opinions especially from people who may relate a bit. I am sorry to hear your parents have passed.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    No, you're right - I really do want to do it to share something special with my dad and in my circles, we haven't seen these silly dances done. One reason is to make my fiancé smile but other reasons include to make everybody smile and laugh too and bring a little silliness to the party. I also think my dad would enjoy it as much as I do and even my mom got excited when I told her.

    But I don't want to be inconsiderate and I didn't think I was...but like many have said here, I don't understand what the issue is. So I'm looking for opinions especially from people who may relate a bit. I am sorry to hear your parents have passed.

    I think since you really want to do this silly dance with your Dad then that is what you need to talk about and focus on when you speak to your FI.  It makes complete sense that he would feel down about not having the opportunity to do such a dance with his Mom but he shouldn't make you feel bad about wanting to do such a dance with your Dad just because he can't do the same thing.  That is unfair to you.  Yes, his feelings need to be taken into consideration, but so do yours.  I would hope that even though seeing you dance with your Dad may make him sad that his parents aren't there it would also be something that he would want you to do so you don't miss such a special and fun opportunity with your Dad.

    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    No, you're right - I really do want to do it to share something special with my dad and in my circles, we haven't seen these silly dances done. One reason is to make my fiancé smile but other reasons include to make everybody smile and laugh too and bring a little silliness to the party. I also think my dad would enjoy it as much as I do and even my mom got excited when I told her.

    But I don't want to be inconsiderate and I didn't think I was...but like many have said here, I don't understand what the issue is. So I'm looking for opinions especially from people who may relate a bit. I am sorry to hear your parents have passed.

    If he's asking you not to do this, it sounds like it's not going to make him smile.  The issue may just be one that can't be explained in a way you can understand.
  • You said one of the reasons is to make him smile. He flat out told you it won't make him smile. So, I'd cross that reason off your list.

    Maybe you can come to a compromise? Like do the traditional dance when he does his with his sister and then do a silly dance after? Or maybe get your fiance involved with the silly dance? Hey, would your mom be into it? I don't know, I just think you should explore all options. While you don't know why it will upset him, he's flat out told you it will. Surely there is some middle ground out there that will make you both smile.
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    kmmssg
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't understand your FI's objection to it, and it sounds like he hasn't really explained it to you, either. I don't think it's fair for him to shut down something you want to do without articulating the reason for the way he feels.

    I was recently at a wedding where the groom did a traditional slow dance with his mother figure, and the bride did a silly dance with her stepfather. It was great. It wasn't like one was better than the other, they were just different because their families are different.
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  • I may be reading way too much into this, but I don't love how he is making something that is a fun moment between you and your father and asking you to change what you had planned on doing for him.  That doesn't sit well with me. I don't know why. This dance is about you and your father.

    My H's father is also deceased, and I completely understand that he wished his father had been able to attend our wedding. He obviously has feelings, and I wouldn't want to hurt him knowingly in any way. 

    But - not everything can be about "him and his feelings." As I say, this is a moment between you and your dad. You should be able to do whatever YOU want for that special moment. It isn't for anyone else.

    Just my thoughts. I agree with the others - how is a "silly" dance different from any other kind of dance? It just rubs me the wrong way. Do what YOU want.
    This. 1000X. Same as you @SewinlovewithDMB - I may be reading too much into it also, but..red flag.

    The father/daughter dance is between you and your dad. He can do whatever he wants if he dances with his sisters. 
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    PrettyGirlLostSewInLoveWithDMB
  • While I also don't understand why a silly dance would make him more uncomfortable than a regular father/daughter dance, but if he is really opposed to it for emotional reasons, I would personally skip it and take his feelings into account. On the other hand, if he has a history of turning things down that you want or doesn't take your feelings into account, I would also see this as a red flag. I do suspect that he must have a real reason for not wanting this, and the two of you should sit down and have a real heart felt discussion about the dances. Be considerate, I can imagine this is a hard topic for him as it relates to his late parents. I'd listen and see if there is some kind of compromise to be made.
    image
  • There's no history of him turning down my ideas. In fact, most everything we're doing for our wedding have been my own suggestions and he's been supportive of it all. This father daughter dance idea is probably the first thing he made comments on and made his feelings known. I'll report back on what he says after our second talk...thank u all!
    BrandNewJ
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Both of my fiancé's parents are deceased but he likes the idea of dancing the Mother-Son dance with his sisters. We saw it at another wedding and it was really touching. Both of my parents are alive and I will be dancing the Father-Daughter dance with my dad. The thing is that after some thought, I asked my dad randomly if he'd be interested in turning the traditional Father-Daughter dance into a surprise, silly dance and he agreed! I shouldn't have been surprised because my dad can be goofy at times. Anyway, I mentioned it to my fiancé what I was thinking and he was less than enthused. He didn't say he didn't want me to do it but made a few comments about how me dancing with my dad in a funny dance will only remind him that he doesn't have his own mom to do that with. He also added that our wedding day will be very emotional for him without his parents and our silly dance will not help. I'm totally bummed because my dad and I were very excited about this AND I actually felt that by doing this, it might make him laugh and add some silliness to our party. Am I being inconsiderate for wanting this???
    How old is your FI and when did his parents die?  What age was he at the time?

    While it is very sad and tragic that neither of his parents are alive to be there with him on his wedding day, that doesn't change the fact that your parents are in fact alive, and I don't think your FI's anticipated emotional state should trump you doing a spotlight dance with your father. 

    It may sound harsh, but as an adult I think he should work on coming to terms with the loss of his parents and perhaps seek out a counselor to help him prepare himself for the sadness and grief he is likely going to experience on what should otherwise be a happy milestone for him.  He is going to have a lot of mixed emotions on your wedding day and I think a bit of professional help could help him work through those mixed feelings before the big day and help him figure out how to manage them so that he can enjoy himself.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Maggie0829
  • The wedding is a special day for you and your fiance. It's great to honor your parents and all with the special, traditional dances (or silly versions of them), but it's still a day about you and your fiance. He has told you that something he has planned will bother him. It's apparently the only thing about the planning that he has mentioned will bother him. I think you should take that into serious consideration. Does it really matter WHY it bothers him? You're choosing to spend your life with him, you should care about his feelings. 
    BrandNewJkmmssg
  • All I can think is... what type of "silly dance" are we talking about here??? I just keep envisioning the hokey pokey.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    MandyMost said:
    The wedding is a special day for you and your fiance. It's great to honor your parents and all with the special, traditional dances (or silly versions of them), but it's still a day about you and your fiance. He has told you that something he has planned will bother him. It's apparently the only thing about the planning that he has mentioned will bother him. I think you should take that into serious consideration. Does it really matter WHY it bothers him? You're choosing to spend your life with him, you should care about his feelings. 
    And so it's ok that he gets to have a spotlight dance with his sisters, but OP can't have a spotlight dance with her father? 

    Sorry, but I don't agree that she should completely forgo the father-daughter dance.  I think she should talk to her FI and let him know that this dance is important to she and her father, and if the issue is that they are going to have a goofy, jovial dance, then maybe she and her FI can compromise and she can have the usual, serious dance with her father. 

    If the issue is that her FI thinks he will be so upset if the OP dances with her father at all, then I think he needs to figure out how he can cope with the situation for the duration of the dance.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    beetheryMaggie0829
  • BrandNewJBrandNewJ member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    MandyMost said:
    The wedding is a special day for you and your fiance. It's great to honor your parents and all with the special, traditional dances (or silly versions of them), but it's still a day about you and your fiance. He has told you that something he has planned will bother him. It's apparently the only thing about the planning that he has mentioned will bother him. I think you should take that into serious consideration. Does it really matter WHY it bothers him? You're choosing to spend your life with him, you should care about his feelings. 
    And so it's ok that he gets to have a spotlight dance with his sisters, but OP can't have a spotlight dance with her father? 

    Sorry, but I don't agree that she should completely forgo the father-daughter dance.  I think she should talk to her FI and let him know that this dance is important to she and her father, and if the issue is that they are going to have a goofy, jovial dance, then maybe she and her FI can compromise and she can have the usual, serious dance with her father. 

    If the issue is that her FI thinks he will be so upset if the OP dances with her father at all, then I think he needs to figure out how he can cope with the situation for the duration of the dance.
    I think she implied he's fine with a traditional father/daughter dance, but there is something about doing a choreographed dance that would make him feel uneasy or left or something. Edit: words aren't my friends today.
    image
  • MandyMost said:
    The wedding is a special day for you and your fiance. It's great to honor your parents and all with the special, traditional dances (or silly versions of them), but it's still a day about you and your fiance. He has told you that something he has planned will bother him. It's apparently the only thing about the planning that he has mentioned will bother him. I think you should take that into serious consideration. Does it really matter WHY it bothers him? You're choosing to spend your life with him, you should care about his feelings. 
    And so it's ok that he gets to have a spotlight dance with his sisters, but OP can't have a spotlight dance with her father? 

    Sorry, but I don't agree that she should completely forgo the father-daughter dance.  I think she should talk to her FI and let him know that this dance is important to she and her father, and if the issue is that they are going to have a goofy, jovial dance, then maybe she and her FI can compromise and she can have the usual, serious dance with her father. 

    If the issue is that her FI thinks he will be so upset if the OP dances with her father at all, then I think he needs to figure out how he can cope with the situation for the duration of the dance.
    Fi never said he didn't want her to have a spotlight dance. He would just rather it not be a silly dance.

    It might be her spotlight dance, but he said it would upset him. While, yeah, this might be something he should be discussing in therapy sessions, his wedding probably isn't the best place to test the waters.
    image
  • afox007afox007 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    My grandpa passed away when my mom was 18, so as someone who has been to several weddings with my mom I don't know why a silly dance would upset him more. My mom walks out in tears at every father daughter dance, but when I mentioned possibly doing something more fun she was all for it. She told me of it was the normal slow dance she still would have walked out on me, but me coercing my dad into swing dance lessons would make it less sad for her.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited July 2014
    The only reason I could see why this would bother him more is if he believes the parent dances are some sacred time-honored and serious tradition. And that you doing a silly dance completely laughs in the face of all of that. And it's a blow to him since he doesn't get that dance with his mom. But a parent dance is just a dance.

    Keep the idea in the back of your head, but if you get really close to the wedding and it's something that's still bothering him, I wouldn't do it.
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