Wedding Etiquette Forum

Not receiving wedding gifts

So I just got married a month ago, and I can honestly say I had the time of my life. But, there was something that really disappointed me. I had many guests attend our wedding and not bring a gift. Of course, I know you're not required to bring a gift, and I COMPLETELY understand if you are financially unable to give one. But, that's not my issue...

What irked me was those who did not bring a gift did not give a card, either. I'm not talking a card full of money, I'm talking a card in general. JUST a card. 

We had a few people that came with no gift, but still gave a card, which I thought was very thoughtful because at least they were acknowledging the fact that it was a special day for my husband and I. But for those who didn't bring a gift, I feel as though they should have at least given a card just to show acknowledgement, as I feel like those who showed up with nothing at all just attended to get free booze and dinner. 

So - I want some opinions, ladies. Would you be upset if this happened to you, too? Again, it's not the fact that I didn't get gifts at all. I just feel that if you're not bringing a gift, you should at least give a wedding card to acknowledge and congratulate the bride and groom.
HauteRoxy
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Re: Not receiving wedding gifts

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    They came and celebrated with you! How is that not acknowledging/congratulating you and your H? Honestly, I'm just going to throw the card in the trash or put it in a box and never look at it again. I'd be happy that they came and had a good time - no card necessary.


    Blue_Bird
  • Honestly, some people aren't card people or maybe they forgot it at home and just haven't sent it out yet.

    They were there to congratulate you in person and that should mean more than a piece of paper.


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
    TeddiD34
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2014
    Actually, etiquette calls for gifts not to be brought to a wedding but to be sent before the wedding or after. So you might still get gifts. But, etiquette also holds that gifts, even for weddings, are optional. It is appropriate to at least give a card, yes, but not bringing a gift can't be held against the guests as an attendance barrier. And as for free booze and dinner? That's exactly what you invited them for. Your wedding isn't a fundraiser. If you invited people expecting to get gifts, then you were unfortunately due for the disappointment you feel.
    chasseusePrettyGirlLost
  • So I just got married a month ago, and I can honestly say I had the time of my life. But, there was something that really disappointed me. I had many guests attend our wedding and not bring a gift. Of course, I know you're not required to bring a gift, and I COMPLETELY understand if you are financially unable to give one. But, that's not my issue...

    What irked me was those who did not bring a gift did not give a card, either. I'm not talking a card full of money, I'm talking a card in general. JUST a card. 

    We had a few people that came with no gift, but still gave a card, which I thought was very thoughtful because at least they were acknowledging the fact that it was a special day for my husband and I. But for those who didn't bring a gift, I feel as though they should have at least given a card just to show acknowledgement, as I feel like those who showed up with nothing at all just attended to get free booze and dinner. 

    So - I want some opinions, ladies. Would you be upset if this happened to you, too? Again, it's not the fact that I didn't get gifts at all. I just feel that if you're not bringing a gift, you should at least give a wedding card to acknowledge and congratulate the bride and groom.
    This did happen to us and we were not upset about it. You shouldn't be either.

    As a guest, I would never attend a wedding and not bring a gift. Even if I was dead broke, I'd at least bring a card. However, as a hostess, I never EXPECT gifts (or cards). 

    Some people may not bring the gift to the wedding and may send something later. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    perdonami
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    No I would not be upset. Gifts aren't required. Neither are cards. I would be happy that they came to celebrate with me.

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Some people did not give us cards. I'm not upset at all. 100% of our guests were OOT. People do not fly and then drive 2 hours, get room for 2 nights just to get a free dinner and booze.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly, no. This is not something I would get upset about. People traveled to celebrate the day with us. And how would I even realize who gave a card and who didn't? I certainly don't plan on going through my invite list and checking off people that gave something. 
  • I think you're going to have to let it go.  These people traveled to your wedding to celebrate with you, and that's what it's all about.  Not about cards or gifts.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Eh, we had some people not give gifts either. I wasn't keeping track of who didn't, but a few people I double checked my cards, because I was surprised we didn't get anything from them, and I wanted to make sure we didn't forget a thank you note. 

    You just have to let it go. There are some people I know don't have a lot of money, and I was grateful for whatever they gave. Also, people may give you a gift in the future, you never know. One of my friends keeps saying she needs to give me my gift (I got married 2 weeks ago), so we'll see. 

    I don't want this to come off as snobby or judgmental: but I realized that husband and I give more to our friends for their wedding in general than they gave us.  I actually find it very interesting, because I actually thought we gave on the average side, but I think we were more generous than we thought.  And you'd never know until you have your own wedding, because people are not advertising how much they give. I am also totally fine with that, I don't expect people to give the same or more than we gave them, we could afford it and I don't know other people's financials.  

    However, we also had some people give us much more than we ever would have expected (mostly family members). 










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    HauteRoxy
  • Is it disappointing not to even get a card? Yes. Is it worth dewelling over, No. One of our groomsmen didn't give us a gift or even a congrats card. I was a little shocked since we covered most of the cost of his tux because of some unexpected expenses he had. But it is what it is.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I couldn't tell you who didn't bring a gift because I don't care.
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    Anniversary
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I get where you're coming from, OP, from the perspective of "who doesn't acknowledge an event without even a card!?"   My FI is not a card guy, period. Won't even get his parents cards for birthdays or Mothers/Fathers days. I find that quite weird. Now that I'm in the picture, I buy the cards for any occasion we celebrate.  

    I would find it weird if people didn't bring a card not because I'd feel taken advantage of in any way, or like I was owed anything, but because I can't believe the card tradition just might be unfortunately going the way of the dodo bird.  

    The could have also forgotten the cards. That happens frequently as one rushes out the door...

    At the end of the day, let it go. They were there for you!  Best wishes for your marriage. 
    ________________________________


    HauteRoxy
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I confess I was I was disappointed when one of my good friends couldn't make the wedding and didn't even give us a card. As for guests who attended, no, I didn't care about the ones who didn't give us even a card. 

    The only guest whose lack of gift bothered us was my heinous aunt who had a card with gift card in it but opted not to give it to us when she saw who our ring bearer was and objected to him. Hahahaha! Klassy.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • AddieCake said:
    I confess I was I was disappointed when one of my good friends couldn't make the wedding and didn't even give us a card. As for guests who attended, no, I didn't care about the ones who didn't give us even a card. 

    The only guest whose lack of gift bothered us was my heinous aunt who had a card with gift card in it but opted not to give it to us when she saw who our ring bearer was and objected to him. Hahahaha! Klassy.
    WHAT??? I want to hear this story!
    casey8784
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Cards are no more required than gifts are.



    RebeccaFlower
  • Seriously? I think you're being petty. Let it go. 
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2014
    I agree with whoever said some people just aren't card people.  Also some people forget.  This reminded me that I forgot to fill out my sister's card and give it to her!

    My H rarely sends cards.  He only sent his sister a graduation card because I bought one at the store, handed it to him at home and said "this is for your sister, you should sign it."

    I kept track of who gave us gifts so I could send TY notes out but I didn't keep track of cards so I honestly have no idea if anyone didn't give us one.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    lilacck28 said:
    AddieCake said:
    I confess I was I was disappointed when one of my good friends couldn't make the wedding and didn't even give us a card. As for guests who attended, no, I didn't care about the ones who didn't give us even a card. 

    The only guest whose lack of gift bothered us was my heinous aunt who had a card with gift card in it but opted not to give it to us when she saw who our ring bearer was and objected to him. Hahahaha! Klassy.
    WHAT??? I want to hear this story!
    @lilacck28 Long story short, my heinous cousin had kicked me out of her wedding years before. We patched things up a few years later, but eventually her true colors showed again, which I just sort of ignored for another couple years until one day she informed my husband (then-fiance) that "you are not part of this family, so nothing you say is relevant." That was her exit ticket from my life 3 months before the wedding.

     Her daughter was supposed to be our flower girl, and her sister's son was our ring bearer. She and her sister do not speak for a variety of reasons. Her sister and their mom are also not on speaking terms for the same reasons. When I kicked heinous cousin out of my life, our flower girl became a casualty of war, so to speak (not my choice; I would have loved to still have their kids in my life), and when my aunt saw that we still had our ring bearer but not her heinous daughter's child, she chose to be catty and spiteful. My grandfather is the one who told me she had done this.

     I believe she was only there to spy on the wedding and report back b/c heinous cousin has always been in some sort of freakish competition with me. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    casey8784
  • I get that you aren't supposed to expect anything, but I would be bummed out too. I also would like to get a card! I LOVE cards tho, I am a card person. I make my own, buy them, send them in the mail for no reason sometimes . . . that's just me. :)

    However, I wouldn't let it affect any relationships I have, I would just be a little disappointed. 



    knottie350dab97fdb892bd
  • Sorry - I guess what I wanted to really say was,

    I feel ya girrrl. I am with ya. :)
    ladybird29
  • @addicake

    They sound like rude, awful people. Good riddance. And thanks for sharing. 

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    lilacck28 said:
    @addicake

    They sound like rude, awful people. Good riddance. And thanks for sharing. 

    Oh, yeah, they are. Cutting them out of my life was the healthiest decision I have ever made. I am just sorry it I had to live the "fool me once...." adage to get to that point. I never should have allowed them back in after the first go-round. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    lilacck28
  • From a guest's perspective, I think it's rude to show up at a wedding empty-handed. Guest etiquette also exists, and while gifts (and cards) are never an obligation (in theory), bringing one is polite and shows good manners (in practice). 

    indianaalumaleighc3HauteRoxyladybird29
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    From a guest's perspective, I think it's rude to show up at a wedding empty-handed. Guest etiquette also exists, and while gifts (and cards) are never an obligation (in theory), bringing one is polite and shows good manners (in practice). 


    Technically it is rude to bring something. You should have sent it before or send it afterwards so they don't have to handle gifts art the wedding.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly, no. This is not something I would get upset about. People traveled to celebrate the day with us. And how would I even realize who gave a card and who didn't? I certainly don't plan on going through my invite list and checking off people that gave something. 
    I kind of chuckle when people say the bolded only because I knew exactly who gave us gifts because it was one giant spreadsheet of our entire guest list with names, addresses, RSVPs, and list of gifts for the thank you cards.

    It's not that I was tracking who didn't give us stuff, but it was just my way of organizing and keeping track of everything.  
    I actually did the same.  It made things a LOT easier. 

    Funny side note - when my brother got married a few years later, he asked for the list of addresses.  I sent him the whole spreadsheet (inadvertently including the column with the gifts).  He jokingly said that this helped him & his FI (now wife) decide on whom to invite!
    jnissa
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2014
    I agree with you OP, while gifts are not to be expected, I think people should give a card with well wishes if they opt to not give a gift. 

    My reasoning is to alleviate the worry from the B&G. There were a few guests on DH's side that he is certain they would have given us a gift, but we didn't receive one or a card. As a result we worry that it was lost, misplaced, stolen, gremlins, whatnot - and we did not thank them.

    I've read on here countless times the women complaining about how they have never forgot those rude individuals who did not send them a thank you note. It really worried me for a long time that they think we received a gift from them and never thanked them. An empty card, filled with well wishes and love, is a present itself.

    I can't tell you who gave me an empty card, but I can't tell you who didn't give a gift...not bc I expect or need a gift, but bc I worry they think I'm the rude one not thanking them for their graciousness.

    ETA - autocorrect is bsc on my 'puter :-\
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    indianaalum
  • I agree with you OP, while gifts are not to be expected, I think people should give a card with well wishes if they opt to not give a gift. 

    My reasoning is to alleviate the worry from the B&G. There were a few guests on DH they he is certain they would have given us a gift, but we didn't receive one or a card. As a result we worry that it was lists, misplaced, stolen, gremlins, whatnot - and we did not thank them.

    I've read on here countless times the women complaining about how they have never forgot those rude individuals who did not send them a thank you note. It really worried me for a long time that they think we received a gift from them and never thanked them. An empty card, filled with well wishes and love, is a present itself.

    I can't tell you who gave me an empty card, but I can tell you who didn't give a gift...not bc I expect or need a gift, but bc I worry they think I'm the rude one not thanking them for their graciousness, 
    I'm in this boat as well.  I don't begrudge anyone for not giving us something, but I worry that some did and now we look like asshats for not thanking them.

    @lolo883 stop making me hungry.  Tacos ALWAYS sound good.
    indianaalum
  • I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
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