Need to vent...

lkristenj · July 2014

...but I'm really not sure how.

Have you ever felt so scrambled and so tense that you didn't even know how to handle it? Or how to vent about it? Or express anything about it? That's how I feel right now.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown, I can feel it. I just need to hold it together for another 25 minutes, which is the earliest I can leave work.

Wedding-related, job-related, relationship-related, family-related, you name it, I've got the drama.

Sugargirl1019 · July 2014

Share, in no particular order, if you wish. We'll listen!

Jells2dot0 · July 2014

I totally feel you. I got so overwhelmed a couple of months ago. I was numb. I know I did not react to things the way I should have nor did I handle things well. It wasn't that I over or under reacted. I just didn't process anything. I had to just start taking things one day or even one hour at a time. I also had to tackle one issue at a time.

I really hope things calm down for you and you are able to work through them. By all means, vent away on here!

lkristenj · July 2014

@Jells2dot0 - I am thankful that I don't have to go through all this and health problems (knock on wood!) too. It helps to have perspective on your problems. You really have a lot going on right now. You're amazing. I just wanted you to know that.

lkristenj · July 2014

I don't think I can share until after I finish this work day. Once I start letting it out, I'll be a full on ugly cry blubbering mess. I don't want to do that at my desk.

Must suppress for now.

Got a new last-minute project, so it will be longer until I can leave.

Couggal12 · July 2014

Vent away. I know just writing everything down can sometimes be very therapeutic.

Jells2dot0 · July 2014

lkristenj said:
@Jells2dot0 - I am thankful that I don't have to go through all this and health problems (knock on wood!) too. It helps to have perspective on your problems. You really have a lot going on right now. You're amazing. I just wanted you to know that.

Aw, thank you!

I just know exactly what you are saying. I don't know why things seem to unravel all at once. I know it's hard to compartmentalize things, but it's what I had to do to address the millions things going on (being away from home when I got sick, getting sick, trying to find a new job, moving out of state, etc.) I just focused on one thing at a time. Maybe my job situation only got attention one hour a week, but I cleared everything else out of my mind and focused only on that until I felt I made progress. Hope my way of dealing with things can help you or others!!

aspoonfulofsugar · July 2014

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know how it feels; sometimes everything gets to be too much at the same time. I had bad anxiety for years (I manage it better now, but sometimes still have issues). When you're ready and in a place where you can let it out- if that means you're a blubbering mess, go for it- crying is ALWAYS so cathartic for me. Usually, I call my Mom and we sort through my issues one at a time. Usually it's just me projecting, or it's not something I can even do anything about, but talking about it aloud (and not just in my crazy head) always helps.

I hope you find some peace and relief. Remember to breathe. Sending tons of good vibes your way!!

jdluvr06 · July 2014

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. (((Hugs)))

lkristenj · July 2014

Some things I'm just going to have to sort out.

Thinking about all of them is making my head spin. I'm actually getting a headache, and those are super rare for me. It's amazing how mental stress can cause a physical headache.

Good news is that I'm done with work and I'm going to start my drive home.

hellosweetie1015 · July 2014

Also: PPs said it when they said to compartmentalize. Pick one Thing - just one - and spend x amount of time on it, and then once x amount of time is over, MOVE ON to another Thing and put the first Thing aside for now. It really helps, at least with the overwhelmingness of it all. And if you're doing something that gives you Happy Joy Feelings - hanging out with FI, eating really good chocolate, doing the Chicken Dance - don't do anything else during that time. Enjoy the Happy Joy Feelings that you're getting in that moment, and let the rest wait. It's easier to come back to stressful things when you're coming off something enjoyable.

larrygaga · July 2014

All the time. Either my life runs really smoothly or everything goes to shit all at once.

I usually just yell a lot and throw things that break until I feel better.

That is not a good solution. It's just what makes me feel better.

*hug*

aspoonfulofsugar · July 2014

lkristenj said:

Some things I'm just going to have to sort out.
Thinking about all of them is making my head spin. I'm actually getting a headache, and those are super rare for me. It's amazing how mental stress can cause a physical headache.
Good news is that I'm done with work and I'm going to start my drive home.

Story of my life. Stress causes frequent migraines for me. Get some advil/tylenol/excedrin when you get home!

larrygaga · July 2014

lkristenj said:

Some things I'm just going to have to sort out.
Thinking about all of them is making my head spin. I'm actually getting a headache, and those are super rare for me. It's amazing how mental stress can cause a physical headache.
Good news is that I'm done with work and I'm going to start my drive home.

Get a milkshake or something

slothiegal · July 2014

Preach, gurl. Know the feeling all too well.

Hopefully by the time you read this, you'll be home, glass of wine in hand, after a big cry if need be. We'll be here for you. ((hugs))

emmyg65 · July 2014

Bourbon bath. Bourbon (or drink of your choice) + bubble bath. A short term solution, yes. But perhaps you can get some relief and relax a bit so you can start unpacking things when you're ready.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

Oh lady I feel ya. That's when I go out in my car, turn the radio up loud, and just scream. Doesn't help with the headache but helps with the tension!

Hang in there. You've got this. And us.

JaniV123 · July 2014

Im sorry. Seems like everyone is having a rough week. I usually put on my silly emo rock music and scream my lungs out to release tension and take a hot bath and cry my soul out.

AddieCake · July 2014

I'm sorry you are consumed with struggles.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · July 2014

Mental/emotional stress is VERY taxing. Vent if it helps. We'll listen! Try to rest and do one thing today (at least!) that is for YOU. Im sorry you're having such a hard time

lkristenj · July 2014

Work problems: Zero focus and long deadlines = inability to stay on task.

We have to log our time by project now at work with our new system. I hate it and it feels like micromanagement. It does keep me accountable, but at the same time, we all have days where we just kind of zone out. Plus, our minds need breaks in order to maintain productivity over the long term. So, I've gotten emails that apparently, I'm taking too long to do things and that now, in addition to logging my time by task, I must also send my manager (who is in another state) an update on what I have accomplished at the end of each day.

Wedding problems: Not wanting to mess things up/do the wrong thing = failure to act

I get so worked up and stressed about doing things right, not stepping on people's toes, etc. I have been trying to draft an email to someone who has offered to throw me a couple's shower for over a month. I can never agree with myself on the right things to say. I had talked to FMIL about it (host is her friend) and thought the issue of day/time had been settled. I get an email asking me if an entirely different month would be okay to do the shower, which confuses me because I thought we had already discussed the issue of date. She's forgetful and the email did not come off as "this date won't work, we need to choose another" but more as "you haven't told me anything about your plans and I'm getting impatient so I need you to choose a date". Needless to say, I didn't appreciate the pressure and I got worked up about it all over again.

Additionally, we have our guest list 90% set. The remaining 10% or so is a matter of filling every available seat at the reception from a list of people that we want that is much longer than we can accommodate. We've already cut the guest list down a lot from what it was and I think both of our parents are mostly happy. When we first decided on venue, we made a preliminary list that was only about 150 and chose a venue that has seating for 224 thinking it would be plenty (the building actually holds 300+, but there are no tables/chairs for them). Asking our parents for their input on guests turned into many more than we had planned and our "guest list" was soon 300+. We have it down to a firm 208 right now, but want to invite everyone we possibly can. It's hard to pick through people that we want there for one reason or another. I'm not just filling spots for the sake of filling them as I would love to be able to invite ALL these people, there just isn't room. It's complicated figuring out where to draw the line. Like, if we invite one of my mom's 2nd cousins and their children, we need to invite the other one and her children too, and likely their parents (who are elderly and likely won't travel). We all used to be very close and had big parties together, but that ended when the parents sold their house and moved. I grew up around them and I know they'd love to be there, but including all of them adds 13 people on its own. I've never met any of their children, but they each have 3. We're inviting all other children, so why not theirs. But, would we be better inviting another group that has more people we actually know? So, that's the issue with filling the last 16 seats. I want to invite the most people in the best way possible.

Other issues: Having trouble sleeping, fighting with a good friend, trying to coordinate with hosts for another shower (in my hometown by my aunts), organizing/planning a charity event on August 16, packing to move in August, organizing for a fundraiser garage sale for that event on July 19th (and hopefully unload some of our junk), planning to visit family on the 4th weekend, FI got turned down for a job he really wanted and is sad, etc.

I'm sorry I didn't get back to everyone last night. It was kind of a crappy night.

lkristenj · July 2014

The issues don't seem as big now as they did yesterday, but all the pressure just kind of hit me at once. Most of it related to the wedding and the job.

Also, I got a chip in my windshield this week from a rock flung by a taxi that was trying to cut people off at an exit.

wandajune6 · July 2014

It sounds like you're having a really shitty time of it. I'm sorry.

While we've had different problems, I've been at the same place in terms of wedding planning/job issues. It's just tough. What worked for me was just saying "fuck it." You can't make everyone happy and you can't have everything you want. The only solution is to accept it and do the best you can- and worry about making yourselves happy rather than your families.

Also, wine, sex, and chocolate cake help a lot.

lkristenj · July 2014

I'm trying to figure out the time issue now. I'm not sure how to respond to any of it. I spent over an hour (also not a good use of my time) drafting a reply and then deciding not to send it. I know that the past few days haven't been the best as far as productivity for me, but I also know that I'm getting my work done, deadlines are far away, and there's nothing new coming into my lap, so if I get ahead, I'll just have no work. So, I've been micromanaging myself today, writing down every little task and how long I spent doing it as I do them. I got a phone call from the office across the country for a question and talked for 40 seconds? Going on the list. I'm super passive aggressive today.

lkristenj · July 2014

Since you Knotties are so good at advice, can you offer thoughts on how this sounds? Most of it is specific to what I do as an analyst for a commercial real estate appraisal firm, but hopefully the rest of it rings true. I want to address it and they've really been pushing openness and honesty as we've been acquired and have merged two offices from different states. We've had high turnover in recent years.

My manager sent me an email saying basically:

[Some general stuff pertaining to file set up when using the C drive, etc]

On the XXXX job, you had logged 7 or 8 hours last week, which would imply you had at least done everything in the new limited support document, but that doesn’t appear to have been done. And then there were about 3 ½ days last week on the revisions to the XXXs in [city] that I would have hoped could be done in a day. I know there were linking/software issues but it still seems disproportionate. I don’t want to get into the details on why/what on these. I know things come up and there are hiccups, but overall it just needs addressed.

Our focus right now is getting everyone engaged and productive. With this in mind, I think it would be helpful for you and I if you would send a very brief email at the end of each day – highlighting your key accomplishments. I’m thinking 5 minutes max. Example:

Worked from Letter of Transmittal to Site Description on job XXXXXX, including pulling demos and data for MKT file
Researched XXXXX for [old boss/manager who is being phased out, but actually in my office]
Did all limited support analyst work for XXXX on project XXXX

How does this sound?

Manager

Here is my response draft:

Manager,

I had wanted to express my concerns on using the C drive if there isn’t a backup method for the laptops/desktops. I have previously lost hours of work when my computer crashed in the middle of something and unfortunately the document did not recover. I normally am very conscientious about saving often, but it had somehow escaped me that day. While the R: drive doesn’t prevent all data loss, it does backup three times a day and can help especially when you need to backup to a prior version.

There also seems to be some inconsistencies between the operating systems and the versions of Office being used. I think that is what was causing the difficulties between T and myself. I know our last linking issues came about when switching between Office 2003 and Office 2007. Now that I have Office 2013, I am feeling some of those pains again. I have issues now that I never had with Office 2007 and I think that there is some underlying incompatibility issues there that will likely continue to cause problems between people with different versions.

Secondly, yes, I did spend a lot of time on the XXXX reports, but with good reason. I know you said you didn’t want to get into how/why, but I think it’s important for you to know that I did not spend those days just wasting time. I made text links in the Regional section of report that were not there (as they are in many [my office's] reports) that would allow for the word document to update automatically if there were any changes to the data and we were somehow able to get a past report. Each link only takes a little time, but it adds up. By doing it now, it means easier and faster job updates later. Also, because the historical taxes online did not go back as far as necessary, I had to place multiple calls to the tax office to be able to get that information. There was also quite a bit of link instability that needed to be worked out, as I had corresponded with T. The documents were slow and links were breaking. I did the best I could with it, but I do not think that 3.5 days is unreasonable to update 2 reports, change formatting, relink multiple times, and make calls for data.

I know the goal is to be as productive as possible, but that level of productiveness is not going to always be consistent. I think it is unreasonable to think that everything on the limited report responsibilities can be handled in 8 hours. I couldn’t do full front end updates of things we have done before in 8 hours. When you think about those things individually, it seems that they do not take very long but they add up very quickly and it can take some time to complete the whole task.

I have been with [company] for 4 years. I get my work done. To put such heavy scrutiny on me is to say that I don’t have your trust or the trust of the company. Maybe that is true, and it makes me feel terrible and unvalued. I know I am not the only one to have these feelings on the current way we are being managed. Accountability is a good thing and is sometimes needed, but this takes it a bit further than that, in my opinion.

I will, of course, do as you say because you are my manager and deserve my respect. Though I am concerned about this new path [company] is taking, it seems to be very heavy handed and maybe even micromanaging. While once again I realize that the goal is to be as productive as possible, I fear in the long run this management style will result in a unpleasant workplace and I am not the only one who feels this way. I have enjoyed working here and developing relationships with my coworkers, and hope to continue to do so in the future.

Respectfully,

Me

I appreciate your help with this. I don't know if I'm going to send it or not, but I wanted someone else to read it so I could stop going over and over it in my head.

BlackLace2015 · July 2014

ehhhhh... does this manager really care about your feelings? If not it will def do more harm than good

LakeR2014 · July 2014

@lkristenj After reading your boss' email I totally understand where your email is coming from, however, gathering from your boss' email I get the sense that they wouldn't care for a response. And especially would not care for the last two paragraphs in your response. If you feel you absolutely NEED to send a response (even though they specifically stated not to), I'd leave out the last two paragraphs you stated. It speaks of passive agression big time and that never goes over well in the personal or professional world.

Keep your head up - know you're doing your job to the best of your ability, and if the job continues to go in a direction you don't like, consider looking for a position elsewhere.

erollis · July 2014

Can you set up a time to talk about any concerns and certain projects? Such as the back up system, comparability issues, and how involved some projects are.

I would just send a short email stating you understand what they want with the "end of day report".

Then at a later date you can talk about other concerns and how you feel. And if you truly are unhappy you can start looking for another job. Because being happy is important.

lkristenj · July 2014

LakeR2014 said:

@lkristenj After reading your boss' email I totally understand where your email is coming from, however, gathering from your boss' email I get the sense that they wouldn't care for a response. And especially would not care for the last two paragraphs in your response. If you feel you absolutely NEED to send a response (even though they specifically stated not to), I'd leave out the last two paragraphs you stated. It speaks of passive agression big time and that never goes over well in the personal or professional world.

Keep your head up - know you're doing your job to the best of your ability, and if the job continues to go in a direction you don't like, consider looking for a position elsewhere.

You think they don't want a response at all? He asked me "How does that sound?" though maybe he doesn't want to hear the answer.

Most people in that particular office are big on replying (I don't know why) and will normally send some sort of acknowledgement even if it's just "OK". I think it's just a culture thing there.

The big boss (manager's boss) has visited recently and has told us to always be forthcoming with how things are going because he can't fix a problem if he doesn't know about it. He is concerned very much about the morale issue and turnover. We were a small office that was growing, but in the past 1.5 years, we've lost 7 people. We only have 12 people employed currently, so that kind of turnover is a real blow. They want to keep turnover low and have stated that many times. They also want to use everyone to their maximum potential. There is a lot of pressure coming from the company that acquired us, which the boss is then passing down through the chain.

It's stressful and he knows that, but he wants to grow the company, not see it shrink. I have rolled over so many times, it makes me sick. They highly favor men in this office and I've seen them be afforded every opportunity and courtesy as I get overlooked, even when I try to be proactive and speak out. I have worked hard trying to develop training programs only to have the someone else get the job of training everyone. I'm not treated well here and I know it. It's a boys club. Every woman that has ever started here has quit (except the three that are still currently here).

I don't want to do the wrong thing and ruffle feathers, but at the same time, I'm tired of just letting it go. And it does make me feel terrible and worthless despite putting in so much time into this company. This manager is a new manager that has never managed before and was never trained to manage. He does not do a good job. He's an appraiser that got promoted to manager and I think he's much better at appraising. I think he's just taken the pressure to get production up and turned it into a super micromanaging style. I am not the only one who gets questioned. I'm overworked and underpaid and I hate how I'm treated.

wandajune6 · July 2014

I'd respond saying that you appreciate the request and will begin sending those emails today. Also mentioned that you would like to address any concerns that he might have - and ask if you can schedule a meeting to address them. Your email is good but sounds a bit defensive. Instead, I'd to spin this into an opportunity to show off.

In the meeting, explain how you appreciate the concerns but explain what happened. Then try to show off any opportunities where you have gone above and beyond. Just be careful about sounding defensive- it justify any micromanagement.

hellosweetie1015 · July 2014

Get out. Put your head down for the (EXTREMELY, if possible) short term, but start looking today for somewhere that will value you and not treat you like that. Trust me. It will help you so much just to get out of that situation. Everything else will seem easier if you don't have that awful work situation. Plus you'll probably sleep better. Plus you'll probably actually enjoy going to work.

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