Wedding Etiquette Forum

Not receiving wedding gifts

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Re: Not receiving wedding gifts

  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2014
    I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    This is why the Dollar Tree rocks - some of the cards are 2 for a dollar! I can't remember the last time I paid more than $2 for a card. When I find a good one on sale I buy a couple so I have one for the next wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.

    ETA - am I the only one who kept all the wedding cards? Totally keeping them till they fall apart :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    pinkshorts27HauteRoxy
  • I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    This is why the Dollar Tree rocks - some of the cards are 2 for a dollar! I can't remember the last time I paid more than $2 for a card. When I find a good one on sale I buy a couple so I have one for the next wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.

    ETA - am I the only one who kept all the wedding cards? Totally keeping them till they fall apart :)
    You're my twin on this thread!  Ours are all in our birdcage, I want to read through them again on our anniversary.

    And Trader Joe's only charges $1 for their cards when I can't get to the dollar store (but the $ store has a better selection, often including hallmark!)
    photokittyHauteRoxy
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    This is why the Dollar Tree rocks - some of the cards are 2 for a dollar! I can't remember the last time I paid more than $2 for a card. When I find a good one on sale I buy a couple so I have one for the next wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.

    ETA - am I the only one who kept all the wedding cards? Totally keeping them till they fall apart :)
    So this just reminded me of a funny card story. Does anyone remember on The Girls Next Door, if they needed a card they'd pop down to the office and there was like a box of them? Well FI saw this and thought it was an awesome idea and started our own card box collection. 

    We seriously have them for every occasion neatly filed and ready to be used. We even keep track of what we take out so we don't randomly run out of any of them. By we I mean, she makes me write it down in this little book and she keeps track.
    ilovecake84
  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I admit I felt the same way. I think it's natural to feel hurt, especially if you have attended weddings and never showed up empty handed. To me, the thought of ever showing up empty handed is something I personall cannot even comprehend. I would feel completely rude personally so I'd be a liar to say "it never phased me" or that i didnt notice

    Of course, I never said a word to anyone who didn't give a gift and haven't held it against anyone, but I agree with others that you do worry they gave a gift and I never got it. I would hate to think I was the rude one who didn't acknowledge a gift. (anyone see How I met your mother-- they did an entire episode on this, actually. Lily/Marshall couldn't believe Ted never gave them a gift, and Ted couldn't believe they never thanked him. Turns out he did give a gift but they thought it was from someone else).


    My brother in law's family didn't give us anything. We see them weekly and my husband was shocked that he and his family gave us nothing and admittedly felt hurt. Of course, we never said a word and it hasn't changed our relationship at all. To this day, we worry that perhaps they DID and that we just never got it. That is why giving a card at least gives a piece of mind something wasn't lost..but let's be honest, people don't want to give an empty card because they "hope" that by not giving anything, it will go unnoticed.

    On a related note, my sister in law "thought" she sent us a shower gif.  When she looked at registry and saw it was "taken off" so she figured she had bought it.  A  month or so later, she actually asked if we received it (probably because she never got a thank you note). We had to tell her that "no" we didn't receive it and they we, ourselves had bought it as we needed it for the reception so we know for sure we had not received it as a gift. Had she not asked, she TOTALLY would have thought we never thanked her. I was extremely happy she asked, otherwise we would have totally looked rude. It turns out, she went to order it online, got sidetracked and nver hit "submit" so she never ordered it after all. We both had a laugh in the end. If you ever send a gift and don't get it acknowledged, I DO think it is a good idea to ask because of issues like this. 
    alexandrastengelSewInLoveWithDMB
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    @indianaalum I just wrote about that episode in a recent reply to a post. I'm a huge HIMYM fan. Or I was until they RUINED IT THOSE BASTARDS!!!!
    BrandNewJemmaaa
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    (General) you don't have to give Hallmark cards. There are other companies that make them.  And if you don't want to give any other card company money, you can always make your own! I have several relatives who are really into making cards and have all sorts of fancy embellishments, paper and stamps. They're so gorgeous!

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I admit I felt the same way. I think it's natural to feel hurt, especially if you have attended weddings and never showed up empty handed. To me, the thought of ever showing up empty handed is something I personall cannot even comprehend. I would feel completely rude personally so I'd be a liar to say "it never phased me" or that i didnt notice

    Of course, I never said a word to anyone who didn't give a gift and haven't held it against anyone, but I agree with others that you do worry they gave a gift and I never got it. I would hate to think I was the rude one who didn't acknowledge a gift. (anyone see How I met your mother-- they did an entire episode on this, actually. Lily/Marshall couldn't believe Ted never gave them a gift, and Ted couldn't believe they never thanked him. Turns out he did give a gift but they thought it was from someone else).


    My brother in law's family didn't give us anything. We see them weekly and my husband was shocked that he and his family gave us nothing and admittedly felt hurt. Of course, we never said a word and it hasn't changed our relationship at all. To this day, we worry that perhaps they DID and that we just never got it. That is why giving a card at least gives a piece of mind something wasn't lost..but let's be honest, people don't want to give an empty card because they "hope" that by not giving anything, it will go unnoticed.

    On a related note, my sister in law "thought" she sent us a shower gif.  When she looked at registry and saw it was "taken off" so she figured she had bought it.  A  month or so later, she actually asked if we received it (probably because she never got a thank you note). We had to tell her that "no" we didn't receive it and they we, ourselves had bought it as we needed it for the reception so we know for sure we had not received it as a gift. Had she not asked, she TOTALLY would have thought we never thanked her. I was extremely happy she asked, otherwise we would have totally looked rude. It turns out, she went to order it online, got sidetracked and nver hit "submit" so she never ordered it after all. We both had a laugh in the end. If you ever send a gift and don't get it acknowledged, I DO think it is a good idea to ask because of issues like this. 
    Or not.  Don't assume you know why people don't give cards.



  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    MagicInk said:
    I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    This is why the Dollar Tree rocks - some of the cards are 2 for a dollar! I can't remember the last time I paid more than $2 for a card. When I find a good one on sale I buy a couple so I have one for the next wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.

    ETA - am I the only one who kept all the wedding cards? Totally keeping them till they fall apart :)
    So this just reminded me of a funny card story. Does anyone remember on The Girls Next Door, if they needed a card they'd pop down to the office and there was like a box of them? Well FI saw this and thought it was an awesome idea and started our own card box collection. 

    We seriously have them for every occasion neatly filed and ready to be used. We even keep track of what we take out so we don't randomly run out of any of them. By we I mean, she makes me write it down in this little book and she keeps track.
    This is me. I totally have a card stash for every occasion. 

  • All of your responses are great ladies, thanks so much! :) I'll respond to some of your points below!

    A) I think some of you missed the point though  where I said I wasn't concerned about getting gifts. Honestly, I was not hurt at all by those who didn't bring one, as I know they are not required. This post was not meant to be about gifts; it's about if you don't bring a gift, do you feel at least bringing a card is good etiquette. We didn't get married to get gifts, we got married because we loved each other. However, I really don't think it's too much trouble to go buy a $0.99 card from the Dollar Store and at least bring a card, that was my issue.

    B) As far as those who said they threw their cards out, totally respect that if that's what you wanted. I, however, made a mural/picture (for it on Pinterest!) for my wall in my home with all of our cards. I did this so when our friends and family come to visit, they'll see their card. Also, I thought it'd be a great way to remember our special day. Unfortunately, I don't have representation of those people who didn't bring a card, but c'est la vie, can't do anything about that.

    C)  I am learning (as I'm sure many of your are as well!) is that etiquette for weddings is not the same as it used to be. People see things in a different way and have different opinions about appropriate gifts/cards/whatever, which is totally fine! I know personally, my parents always taught me that if you can't afford to give a gift, at least bring a card, so the bride and groom have something to remember your presence by. If you're a person that just throws cards away (which is perfectly fine), then this wouldn't really apply to you, so I can totally see where it wouldn't bother you.

    Again, all your posts are really great! I think this thread will really help others with the same type of questions :) You gals rock!
  • Eh, we had some people not give gifts either. I wasn't keeping track of who didn't, but a few people I double checked my cards, because I was surprised we didn't get anything from them, and I wanted to make sure we didn't forget a thank you note. 

    You just have to let it go. There are some people I know don't have a lot of money, and I was grateful for whatever they gave. Also, people may give you a gift in the future, you never know. One of my friends keeps saying she needs to give me my gift (I got married 2 weeks ago), so we'll see. 

    I don't want this to come off as snobby or judgmental: but I realized that husband and I give more to our friends for their wedding in general than they gave us.  I actually find it very interesting, because I actually thought we gave on the average side, but I think we were more generous than we thought.  And you'd never know until you have your own wedding, because people are not advertising how much they give. I am also totally fine with that, I don't expect people to give the same or more than we gave them, we could afford it and I don't know other people's financials.  

    However, we also had some people give us much more than we ever would have expected (mostly family members). 










    I fall in the same boat as you! The more weddings I go to, the more I realized my husbands and I may have been a little too generous as well. We had a few people who I know were really hard for cash that gave us $100 gifts, and then we had people from our family who are very wealthy and gave a $20 bill. It is what it is. I like you was thankful for anything I got, but certainly didn't expect anything from anyone :)

    I always use the rule of thumb of how nice of a place are they having it. If I know its a really fancy place, I'll give as much as I can budget for. If its something really simple, I may give less. I at least try to pay for what it would cost if my husband and I went out for dinner, but sometimes that is impossible (ex. my friend just got married about 3 months ago at a high-standing country club that cost about $225 a head - there was no way I was going to give $500, so we only could give $250).
  • Erikan73 said:
    Is it disappointing not to even get a card? Yes. Is it worth dewelling over, No. One of our groomsmen didn't give us a gift or even a congrats card. I was a little shocked since we covered most of the cost of his tux because of some unexpected expenses he had. But it is what it is.
    We had the same issue with our groomsman; no gift and no card. He didn't chip in for the bachelor party, and we ended up having for his tux, his transportation, and his hotel stay. He said it was because he had bills to pay, but we found out he went to the casino and lost big. So, lesson learned; maybe he's not that great of a friend after all. Sorry that happened to you, too :(
  • AddieCake said:
    I confess I was I was disappointed when one of my good friends couldn't make the wedding and didn't even give us a card. As for guests who attended, no, I didn't care about the ones who didn't give us even a card. 

    The only guest whose lack of gift bothered us was my heinous aunt who had a card with gift card in it but opted not to give it to us when she saw who our ring bearer was and objected to him. Hahahaha! Klassy.
    Oh my goodness gracious! That is very classless :( I'm so sorry that happened to you. Seems as though she may be a little disgruntled for the wrong reasons :(
  • annathy03 said:
    I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    This is why the Dollar Tree rocks - some of the cards are 2 for a dollar! I can't remember the last time I paid more than $2 for a card. When I find a good one on sale I buy a couple so I have one for the next wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.

    ETA - am I the only one who kept all the wedding cards? Totally keeping them till they fall apart :)
    You're my twin on this thread!  Ours are all in our birdcage, I want to read through them again on our anniversary.

    And Trader Joe's only charges $1 for their cards when I can't get to the dollar store (but the $ store has a better selection, often including hallmark!)
    I did the same thing, ladies! Made a mural for our new home so that when friends and family come, they'll see their card, and hopefully get a little tingly special feeling inside :)

    As for the cards, I always do the same thing! I think its silly to spend $7 on a card at Hallmark, but that's why there are dollar cards at Dollar Tree and what not. Half of them look just as great as the expensive ones, anyway!
  • I admit I felt the same way. I think it's natural to feel hurt, especially if you have attended weddings and never showed up empty handed. To me, the thought of ever showing up empty handed is something I personall cannot even comprehend. I would feel completely rude personally so I'd be a liar to say "it never phased me" or that i didnt notice

    Of course, I never said a word to anyone who didn't give a gift and haven't held it against anyone, but I agree with others that you do worry they gave a gift and I never got it. I would hate to think I was the rude one who didn't acknowledge a gift. (anyone see How I met your mother-- they did an entire episode on this, actually. Lily/Marshall couldn't believe Ted never gave them a gift, and Ted couldn't believe they never thanked him. Turns out he did give a gift but they thought it was from someone else).


    My brother in law's family didn't give us anything. We see them weekly and my husband was shocked that he and his family gave us nothing and admittedly felt hurt. Of course, we never said a word and it hasn't changed our relationship at all. To this day, we worry that perhaps they DID and that we just never got it. That is why giving a card at least gives a piece of mind something wasn't lost..but let's be honest, people don't want to give an empty card because they "hope" that by not giving anything, it will go unnoticed.

    On a related note, my sister in law "thought" she sent us a shower gif.  When she looked at registry and saw it was "taken off" so she figured she had bought it.  A  month or so later, she actually asked if we received it (probably because she never got a thank you note). We had to tell her that "no" we didn't receive it and they we, ourselves had bought it as we needed it for the reception so we know for sure we had not received it as a gift. Had she not asked, she TOTALLY would have thought we never thanked her. I was extremely happy she asked, otherwise we would have totally looked rude. It turns out, she went to order it online, got sidetracked and nver hit "submit" so she never ordered it after all. We both had a laugh in the end. If you ever send a gift and don't get it acknowledged, I DO think it is a good idea to ask because of issues like this. 
    This response is AWESOME! Thank you :) Your theory "people don't want to give an empty card because they "hope" that by not giving anything, it will go unnoticed" is something I NEVER thought of! I can totally see where someone would think it would go unnoticed. You learn something new every day :)
  • I'm a card person; I love giving cards and I LOVE receiving cards. That being said, every time I mention cards, my SO reminds me that I'm giving Hallmark damn near $5 for some fancy paper that's probably going to get thrown away. It's possible that many other people feel the same way nowadays.
    (General) you don't have to give Hallmark cards. There are other companies that make them.  And if you don't want to give any other card company money, you can always make your own! I have several relatives who are really into making cards and have all sorts of fancy embellishments, paper and stamps. They're so gorgeous!
    Great idea!!! I think I might just start doing that now. I'm a huge scrapbooker, but never thought to MAKE my own wedding cards. Totally going to do this. Thank you so much for the idea! :)
  • Eh, we had some people not give gifts either. I wasn't keeping track of who didn't, but a few people I double checked my cards, because I was surprised we didn't get anything from them, and I wanted to make sure we didn't forget a thank you note. 

    You just have to let it go. There are some people I know don't have a lot of money, and I was grateful for whatever they gave. Also, people may give you a gift in the future, you never know. One of my friends keeps saying she needs to give me my gift (I got married 2 weeks ago), so we'll see. 

    I don't want this to come off as snobby or judgmental: but I realized that husband and I give more to our friends for their wedding in general than they gave us.  I actually find it very interesting, because I actually thought we gave on the average side, but I think we were more generous than we thought.  And you'd never know until you have your own wedding, because people are not advertising how much they give. I am also totally fine with that, I don't expect people to give the same or more than we gave them, we could afford it and I don't know other people's financials.  

    However, we also had some people give us much more than we ever would have expected (mostly family members). 










    I fall in the same boat as you! The more weddings I go to, the more I realized my husbands and I may have been a little too generous as well. We had a few people who I know were really hard for cash that gave us $100 gifts, and then we had people from our family who are very wealthy and gave a $20 bill. It is what it is. I like you was thankful for anything I got, but certainly didn't expect anything from anyone :)

    I always use the rule of thumb of how nice of a place are they having it. If I know its a really fancy place, I'll give as much as I can budget for. If its something really simple, I may give less. I at least try to pay for what it would cost if my husband and I went out for dinner, but sometimes that is impossible (ex. my friend just got married about 3 months ago at a high-standing country club that cost about $225 a head - there was no way I was going to give $500, so we only could give $250).
    I actually really don't like this practice. If a couple is struggling for money and does a great job hosting a small, inexpensive event, they in no way deserve a smaller gift than a couple whose parents are paying $300 per person. If anything then, with twisted logic, the "fancier" the place, the less you give cause clearly they already have money! (Which is also a bad practice.)

    So, no matter where the event is held, give what you can give at that moment in time.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    All of your responses are great ladies, thanks so much! :) I'll respond to some of your points below!

    A) I think some of you missed the point though  where I said I wasn't concerned about getting gifts. Honestly, I was not hurt at all by those who didn't bring one, as I know they are not required. This post was not meant to be about gifts; it's about if you don't bring a gift, do you feel at least bringing a card is good etiquette. No, I do not.  We didn't get married to get gifts, we got married because we loved each other. However, I really don't think it's too much trouble to go buy a $0.99 card from the Dollar Store and at least bring a card, that was my issue.  Again, not everybody does cards. My presence at your wedding indicates my love and support for you.  Your reception is your thank you for my support.  Nothing more is needed.  I don't need to thank you for your thank  you, nor do I need a card to say the exact same thing I say to you in person at your wedding, which is that I'm so happy for you and wish you a wonderful life together.

    B) As far as those who said they threw their cards out, totally respect that if that's what you wanted. I, however, made a mural/picture (for it on Pinterest!) for my wall in my home with all of our cards. I did this so when our friends and family come to visit, they'll see their card. Also, I thought it'd be a great way to remember our special day. Unfortunately, I don't have representation of those people who didn't bring a card, but c'est la vie, can't do anything about that.

    C)  I am learning (as I'm sure many of your are as well!) is that etiquette for weddings is not the same as it used to be. People see things in a different way and have different opinions about appropriate gifts/cards/whatever, which is totally fine! I know personally, my parents always taught me that if you can't afford to give a gift, at least bring a card, so the bride and groom have something to remember your presence by. And in my family we don't do cards.  If you're a person that just throws cards away (which is perfectly fine), then this wouldn't really apply to you, so I can totally see where it wouldn't bother you.

    Again, all your posts are really great! I think this thread will really help others with the same type of questions :) You gals rock!




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