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Destination wedding and at-home reception-- rude and "gift grabby"

peachy13peachy13 member
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edited August 2014 in Snarky Brides
Apologies in advance that this is a RANT.

$3,000 in the hole with my FI because this couple had a destination wedding. Next, we are invited to their AHR which includes a bad DJ, bad appetizers, and cash bar.

A reception is supposed to be a thank-you to your guests. Instead this reception turned into a dreadful way for the bride and groom to make more money. Cardbox was all set up when we first walked in.
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Re: Destination wedding and at-home reception-- rude and "gift grabby"

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    Gross. I would decline.
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  • d2vad2va member
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    f em!
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  • hikebikebemerryhikebikebemerry member
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    spookyblondebride said:
    Apologies in advance that this is a RANT.

    $3,000 in the hole with my husband because this couple had a destination wedding. Next, we are invited to their "at-home reception" which includes a bad DJ, bad appetizers, and cash bar.

    A reception is supposed to be a thank-you to your guests. Instead this reception turned into a dreadful way for the bride and groom to make more money. Just awful.

    *Stuck in the Box*

    How did they host people at the DW?  What did they do at the AHR that made it come across as gift grabby?

    Note: I'm not a fan of AHRs in general, and hate cash bars; I think I just really want more details on the whole affair.
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
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    DW wasn't great-- lousy resort though all-inclusive. All-inclusive aspect is fine but it means that guests are paying for their own dinner and drinks. It's not like the couple hosted an off-site reception for us. Also no favors, etc.

    AHR also no favors, not even "hi" and "thank you for coming" from the couple. Everyone at the reception felt like why did we even bother to dress up and get a hotel room for the night. Plus the couple also invited people to the AHR who weren't invited to the original DW. Very gift grabby. :(
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    Wedding/ AHR invites are not subpeonas. Just decline.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    With all due respect to your rant, aren't AHRs supposed to include everyone who was originally invited to the DW in the first place?

    I kind of thought the only acceptable way to do this was have the DW, and if most people you really wanted there turned out not to be able to come, to have the AHR.  Both events should have the same guest list but not necessarily the exact same RSVPs.  

    Otherwise, why bother with the DW in the first place, right?  (I could be totally wrong here, it's just my understanding.) 

    I would have just declined the AHR unless I was a bridesmaid.  Likewise, if you already gave a wedding gift, you shouldn't have to bring another gift. Two parties for the exact same occasion don't mean two gifts, at least in my book. If you must, just to not show up empty-handed, divide your gift budget in half. 
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  • hikebikebemerryhikebikebemerry member
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    Wait, so for their DW, they had it at an AI so technically you paid for it? Ewww.
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
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    it's not about the favors, it's more so that there was nothing at either the DW or the AHR that said "thanks for coming." Literally the bride and groom couldn't even say it in person. And the AHR was a gift-giving occasion. They had a card box and everything.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    brideloveshergroom said:
    it's not about the favors, it's more so that there was nothing at either the DW or the AHR that said "thanks for coming." Literally the bride and groom couldn't even say it in person. And the AHR was a gift-giving occasion. They had a card box and everything.

    Isnt the whole point of the recption that isnt a thank you to the guests? They thanked you by hosting you.
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    KatWAG said:
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    Isnt the whole point of the recption that isnt a thank you to the guests? They thanked you by hosting you.
    I took it that the B&G didn't even greet the guests, which is something they should always do, whether in a receiving line or table visits.

    And it sounds like they didn't even really host the reception either... it was just at the all inclusive resort already paid for by guests.  Unless there were some additional things the B&G hosted that wouldn't have been included.

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  • Fairyjen1Fairyjen1 member
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        I'm not sure why the hang up on favors either. I'm not having any and usually I toss them unless they are M&Ms or some other edible. I thought most people didn't really care about them and don't miss them if they aren't there. 

        I agree, if it's an all inclusive and hosts are only using an included meal to count as the wedding reception it is odd. We are having a destination wedding, but we are paying for the reception, including drinks and my FILs are hosting a welcome dinner the night before. 
     
       An AHR isn't rude as long as there aren't any trappings of a wedding, but I do know they rub people the wrong way (I'm not having one partly because of this). Except for the cash bar, I don't see anything wrong with it. Bad appetizer and bad DJ can be somewhat subjective. I had a cousin serve make your own sandwiches at their wedding (cold cut and cheese trays from the grocery store). I consider it bad food in the sense that I don't like it, but it's not really an etiquette breach. 
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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    I'm curious as to how they got you there? Force? Threat of physical violence? Gun point? If you made the choice to go to their AHR of your own volition, what's the issue? Invitations are not summonses. If you think you're not going to enjoy yourself, why go? 

    We're having an AHR, for lack of a better term. We are inviting both people who were and were not invited to our DW. If anyone is put off by the invitation they can and should decline. The desire to host a local party has zero to do with gifts and everything to do with wanting to celebrate with local friends and family. As I would assume was the case for your friends, OP.

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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    lyndausvi said:

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    wait?  You are already married, having a DW and an AHR?      

    So is the AHR to celebrate you legal wedding or your fake wedding? 


    I don't know that I could have been more clear all the times I've mentioned we don't regard signing a license as our wedding, so there was no need for us to celebrate it or its anniversaries.

    With the fact that the local party is subsequent to our DW I'm satisfied you can do the math yourself to figure out the answer to your question.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    Well I do not get AHR , I mean why 2 parties? Seems like more work than it's worth. But I really do not get ARH receptions for a PPD. ::shakes head::






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    AHRs are NOT gift giving occasions.  Neither are vow renewals.
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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    lyndausvi said:
    Well I do not get AHR , I mean why 2 parties? Seems like more work than it's worth. But I really do not get ARH receptions for a PPD. ::shakes head::
    AHR's aren't for everyone and are by no means a requirement for anyone. 

    If we shared the "ugh, two parties seems like too much of a hassle" attitude we would be skipping the AHR. But for us it was a lot more like, hey, this situation leaves open the possibility of two parties, and what's better than one party?! We're not put off by the idea nor do I personally find it any work at all. We have family and friends who will be unable or unwilling to travel and we're excited to host them a week after returning. 

    I don't see how the lack of legal paperwork at a DW has any bearing whatsoever on whether someone should or should not have an AHR. I don't see the two as related in any way. We've had tons of friends who had DW's then AHR's and the AHR's have always been a blast. I like a good party, what can I say?
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  • ElcaBElcaB member
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    Don't go. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    STBMrsEverhart said:
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    I don't know that I could have been more clear all the times I've mentioned we don't regard signing a license as our wedding, so there was no need for us to celebrate it or its anniversaries. With the fact that the local party is subsequent to our DW I'm satisfied you can do the math yourself to figure out the answer to your question.
    Just because you don't regard it as such doesn't make it any less real that you are in fact married the day you sign that piece of paper.

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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    show previous quotes
    wait?  You are already married, having a DW and an AHR?      

    So is the AHR to celebrate you legal wedding or your fake wedding? 


    I don't know that I could have been more clear all the times I've mentioned we don't regard signing a license as our wedding, so there was no need for us to celebrate it or its anniversaries.

    With the fact that the local party is subsequent to our DW I'm satisfied you can do the math yourself to figure out the answer to your question.




    Just because you don't regard it as such doesn't make it any less real that you are in fact married the day you sign that piece of paper.

    Obviously I'm aware of what the government considers my marital status. Clearly that doesn't impress us enough to change our plans. Including an AHR although I only use the acronym bc it's common and people know what it means. There won't be much "reception" involved.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    STBMrsEverhart said:
    show previous quotes
    Obviously I'm aware of what the government and family and friends (if you were honest to them in the first place) considers my marital status. Clearly that doesn't impress us enough to change our plans. Including an AHR although I only use the acronym bc it's common and people know what it means. There won't be much "reception" involved.
    FTFY

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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    show previous quotes


    I don't know that I could have been more clear all the times I've mentioned we don't regard signing a license as our wedding, so there was no need for us to celebrate it or its anniversaries.

    With the fact that the local party is subsequent to our DW I'm satisfied you can do the math yourself to figure out the answer to your question.


    Just because you don't regard it as such doesn't make it any less real that you are in fact married the day you sign that piece of paper.

    Obviously I'm aware of what the government and family and friends (if you were honest to them in the first place) considers my marital status. Clearly that doesn't impress us enough to change our plans. Including an AHR although I only use the acronym bc it's common and people know what it means. There won't be much "reception" involved.




    FTFY

    No need to fix. You've obviously missed the fact that many of our guests are well aware and they regard our DW as our one and only wedding just like we do. The AHR is just a party.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    STBMrsEverhart said:
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    No need to fix. You've obviously missed the fact that many of our guests are well aware and they regard our DW as our one and only wedding just like we do. The AHR is just a party.
    Wow then your story has changed a lot because what I can recall is that  you didn't want anyone to know so that they could be in the right "moment" at your PPD.

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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    show previous quotes
    Wow then your story has changed a lot because what I can recall is that  you didn't want anyone to know so that they could be in the right "moment" at your PPD.
    The original "story" was that those that "needed" to know were informed of her marital status.  Suddenly "many" have now been informed.  As is typically the case, the biggest issue with lies is that you cannot keep up with them.

    The bottom line is that unless EVERYONE is on the same page, it's simply wrong to lie to guests. 
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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    show previous quotes
    Just because you don't regard it as such doesn't make it any less real that you are in fact married the day you sign that piece of paper.
    Obviously I'm aware of what the government and family and friends (if you were honest to them in the first place) considers my marital status. Clearly that doesn't impress us enough to change our plans. Including an AHR although I only use the acronym bc it's common and people know what it means. There won't be much "reception" involved.




    FTFY

    No need to fix. You've obviously missed the fact that many of our guests are well aware and they regard our DW as our one and only wedding just like we do. The AHR is just a party.




    Wow then your story has changed a lot because what I can recall is that  you didn't want anyone to know so that they could be in the right "moment" at your PPD.

    Nope. Story has never changed. The same people who have always known still know. Those that don't still don't. I think I may have used the term "need to know" to describe the distinction. In fact, so many months ago when I stated this set up was in part my Mom's idea @Maggie0829, you made some sort of snarky comment which I can't quote at the moment but to the effect of apples not falling far from trees or something along those lines.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Not a snarky comment, but rather a true statement.  Sorry if I can't keep all your stories straight.

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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    Not a snarky comment, but rather a true statement.  Sorry if I can't keep all your stories straight.

    Meh. No skin off my nose what you can and can't remember about me. I'm more concerned with loving and living my life than what others could possibly opine about it. Especially strangers. But to clarify: both groups, those that know and those that don't, regard our DW as our only wedding, just like we do. Simple. I certainly hope no one brings a gift to the AHR bc as a post DW party it's not really a gift giving occasion.
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