She's not a bridesmaid

Re: She's not a bridesmaid

• Maggie0829 member

  

  July 2014

  Don't say anything to her.  It would be rude of her to ask you directly, and it is rude of her that she is asking around.  You don't owe her any explanation as to why you did not choose her.  Just keep bean dipping her and she will eventually get the hint.

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2014

  Maggie0829 said:

  Don't say anything to her.  It would be rude of her to ask you directly, and it is rude of her that she is asking around.  You don't owe her any explanation as to why you did not choose her.  Just keep bean dipping her and she will eventually get the hint.

  I agree.  Just let it lie.

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• peachy13 member

  

  July 2014

  I know a bride who had to tell one of her friends she was not in the wedding. I heard the story from the friend: the bride called her up and asked her out to dinner. They had a fun night out and the bride let the friend know that she would have loved to ask her to be in the wedding, but that she already picked her bridesmaids and her fiance had already picked his groomsmen. The friend obviously responded that it was okay.

  
  

  But hearing the story from the friend, she wasn't really okay and felt like the whole dinner/"let down" thing was very dramatic and unnecessary. She wishes the bride just didn't say anything acted like nothing was wrong. Honestly, that's probably what I would do. It does sound though like your friend is being really hopeful though which obviously makes it hard. Good luck

  
  
  
  

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• Dizzy13 member

  

  July 2014

  I was in this same exact situation, and I think how you handle it really depends on your relationship and whether you think NOT telling her would cause even more damage (and whether or not you're okay with that).  I was in a close friend's wedding more than a year before I got engaged.  Back when she had gotten engaged and had already asked me to be a BM, she at one point asked who I thought I might have as my bridesmaids.  Awkwardly, I mentioned the girls who are now my BMs, along with her and another mutual friend of ours as people I might consider.  I'll admit it was a pretty stupid move on my part, but I was put on the spot, and I honestly hadn't given it all that much thought since I was no where near getting engaged.  It wasn't a dishonest answer, it was just completely hypothetical at the time.

  
  

  Fast forward a few years  to when I got engaged.  I decided for a number of reasons to stick to a smaller wedding party with people who have all been an important part of my life for much longer.  I did feel bad when I made the decision not to ask her, but when I asked for advice, everyone at first told me to just let her figure it out on her own.  Maybe that would have worked, except she kept alluding to the fact that she was a BM and would ask me things like "what color are our dresses going to be?"  Yes, it was presumptuous on her part to assume that I would stick to something I mentioned hypothetically 2-3 years before, but I could only ignore/change the subject to these comments for so long before I felt like I was leading her on.  Of course, she never should have made the assumption in the first place, but I felt like if I "let her figure it out on her own," she would have been extremely hurt, and could potentially have ruined our friendship. 

  
  

  So I told her, and it sucked. She was disappointed but understood.  Things were shaky for a few weeks but we're absolutely fine now and she's really excited for my wedding.  

  
  

  It's extremely rude of your friend to be asking around behind your back, and if mine did that I may have just let it go.  I've been told I was "bold" for having the sit-down with her, but in the end I'm glad I did because in this case, it prevented damage to a friendship that is really important to me.  

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• Nymeru member

  

  July 2014

  I wouldn't let her just mope around waiting to hear from you.  If she truly thinks she's going to be included, you should address it.  It's only going to get more awkward with time.
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  July 2014

  Don't bring it up.  If she keeps asking your friends, they should tell her to ask you.

  
  

  If she brings it up to you, tell her "Susie, Sarah and Sally are going to be my bridesmaids."  She should get the hint.  If she still pushes, tell her that you love her, but it wouldn't have made sense to ask every friend you love to stand up, and you hope she'll be there as a guest.  

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• rsenger member

  

  July 2014

  Thanks ladies:) I've told my bridesmaids to direct her to me if she and/or her husband keep asking. It's funny because the wedding planning has been super easy (I'm trying to be a chillzilla) and apparently this girl told one of my bridesmaids that I have no idea what I'm in for because it's just going to be a big ball of stress from now on. So I definitely feel a lot more comfortable and confident about addressing the bridesmaid issue if it comes to that.

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