friends getting married the week after we are...

charlottesmom0626 · July 2014

Our friends booked their wedding venue (due to availability) one week after our wedding. We congratulated them and we are very excited, however, I thought they would understand we won't be attending because we will be on our honeymoon.

Separately the bride and groom have both asked FI and I when we are going on our honeymoon and expressed they really want us to attend the wedding. We have known this couple a while and are good friends. We aren't in each others wedding parties though.

FI feels that they knew our wedding date, and if we were VIPs they should have checked with us first. He thinks we should just send a gift.

I feel really bad about it. We haven't booked our honeymoon yet, and I don't know what to do. We can either stick to our original plan to go on our honeymoon right after the wedding and miss their wedding, or we postpone our honeymoon a week...but then what do we do with that extra time in between? Do we get married, go back to work, and then go on a honeymoon? or just take extra time off?

I think we will probably end up sending a gift, I just hope it doesn't hurt our friendship. Thoughts?

MollyandD · July 2014

This is really a judgement call you have to make. I was married one week ago today, and we didn't go on a honeymoon. We aren't able to at this time, so on Monday, we resumed our normal routines. The world keeps going after you get married.

That said, I wouldn't worry about making someone else mad if I missed a wedding unless it was someone I'm very close to. If you want to go on a honeymoon right after your wedding, you have the right to book it and go right after.

lizzypoo96 · July 2014

as someone who is just a few weeks away, I am SO glad I do not have to worry about getting ready for a honeymoon right away (we're planning on February). My head is spinning with what to pack just for the hotel for the night before and after the wedding (plus moving). You might be doing yourself a favor by waiting a bit anyways? That's just my perspective- I don't know how people do it!

RebeccaFlower · July 2014

I have known lots of couples who have gone away right off and they were bummed because the first 2-3 days they were exhausted of their honeymoon, so waiting might not be a terrible thing but it really just a judgement call only you can make.

You're right though, if they really wanted to make sure you could make it, they should have cleared it with you, however, did they know you hadn't booked a trip yet?

bethsmiles · July 2014

It's not fair of them to make you feel guilty about missing the wedding. If you were a VIP then they should have check with you before picking their date.

There are all sorts of pros and cons to going on the honeymoon right after the wedding vs. waiting. But when making this decision I don't think it should be about how guilty you feel. If attending their wedding is important to you then adjust your plans so you can make it. If you would prefer to continue on with your original plans for your honeymoon and just send a gift then don't feel guilty about it. A wedding invitations is not a summons.

emmyg65 · July 2014

We got married on Saturday and left for our honeymoon on Monday. We're so glad we took the honeymoon right after the wedding because it gave us a chance to process everything and spend time together, enjoying being newly married. But we also purposely planned a really chill trip, where we didn't have to do anything other than check in to the hotel. The whole point was to relax together as newlyweds, not take a crazy Once in a Lifetime Blowout Vacation. Also, our honeymoon was five days long, and we came back a bit early to make our friends' fantasy football draft.

This is really a decision only you and your partner can make.

MairePoppy · July 2014

My daughter was married in October 2012. She and her husband went on their honeymoon in April 2013. She's a teacher so she had to wait for a school vacation. Their plan was to take one personal day off after their Sunday wedding and return to work. A major storm shut down our state after the wedding, so they ended up having a week off with stranded guests staying at their house : )

If it's important to you and your fi to leave on your honeymoon immediately after the wedding, do it. You're not obligated to change your plans because of your friends wedding date, even if you haven't made arrangements, yet. Do what you want to do and don't feel guilty about it.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

I think your friends are being a little dramatic, to be honest. I would make your honeymoon plans independent of their wedding. My husband & I actually took our honeymoon for our 1 year anniversary. This was mostly because he started a new job right before we got married and hasn't accrued vacation time. We got married on a Saturday and took a 2 night "mini moon" at a nearby spa, then returned to work on Tuesday. It actually worked out nicely, and we both took a 5 hour nap after our massage because we were so exhausted (and relaxed).

jnissa · July 2014

Are her friends being dramatic though? It's hard to tell from the context of the post. They may just have asked and expressed that they would love it if they could be at the ceremony because those are nice, caring things to do and the sense of guilt or pressure is coming from the poster herself. If I had friends getting married a week after my wedding, I would ask them about their plans too and say that I would love for them to be at our wedding but not really think it's any big deal if they weren't.

Bottom line anyway, guilt isn't really something other people "give" you, it's something you decide to feel yourself. If you want to go on your honeymoon right after, do. You're not under any obligation to attend anybody's wedding, ever.

Nymeru · July 2014

How long of a honeymoon do you have planned? If it's of a shorter nature, perhaps you could make it to your friends' wedding.

My FI and I are saving our honeymoon for our first year anniversary. We're getting married in one week and are planning on spending 3 days at a spa afterwards to help us relax (a lovely gift from my boss), but due to new jobs, moving, etc. at this point we're just not in position to do anything more than that. Plus, the idea of taking a real trip totally separate from the wedding sounds flat-out amazing right now. We're both kind of over the hullabaloo of wedding planning. We want things to simmer down before we try to truly enjoy ourselves. At this point, I feel that it would be wasted if we jumped straight into a honeymoon trip.

But I agree with PP. If you really want to go to your friend's wedding, do it. If not, then don't. They'll understand if you'll be gone.

luckysnorkel · July 2014

I'm torn on this issue. On the one hand, they should have realized that by setting their date 1 week after yours, that you guys might be unable to attend. On the other hand, if they are really close friends and you haven't actually booked a honeymoon yet and you have the desire and flexibility to postpone your trip, maybe that's the way to go.

FI and I aren't going on our full-blown honeymoon until sometime next summer, partially to save up the money and partially because the thought of going on an international trip right after the wedding just sounded draining! Instead, we're renting a cabin nearby and having a really low-key minimoon right after the wedding. You guys could do something like that and still be able to make it to their wedding.

It all really depends on what you both want, though. Don't let them guilt you into changing your plans if you've been looking forward to a honeymoon right after the wedding.

AddieCake · July 2014

This is a personal choice. If you want to go on your honeymoon right away, you should go. They should not be making you feel guilty about that.

April192002 · July 2014

There was no mention about money or extra time off work being a problem so, with no plans made yet, if you two can take time extra time off of work and delay your honeymoon then that's what I'd do. You could cut your honeymoon short to be back for their wedding. You could go back to work and see about taking the following week after their wedding off and go on your honeymoon then. There are a lot of different options so it ultimately comes down to what you and your FI both want to do. I wouldn't feel bad at all for not being able to attend their wedding. If it were important to them to get this venue and have you there then they could have booked for a later date (unless this venue is closing, is booked for the next 80 years, or there's some out of state/country stuff or medical things going on with them).

charlottesmom0626 · July 2014

Thanks everyone for your responses! I think I'm feeling guilty based on our relationship...these friends were dating before FI and I, but we were engaged first. I know the bride was happy for us but I also think she was disappointed it wasn't her turn. I think this is where the guilt is stemming from....we were engaged first, now our wedding is before theirs and I'm considering a honeymoon before attending their wedding. I might be being silly, I guess we just need to do what's best for us after some thought. Thanks everyone!

MollyandD · July 2014

taylorann0626 said:

Thanks everyone for your responses! I think I'm feeling guilty based on our relationship...these friends were dating before FI and I, but we were engaged first. I know the bride was happy for us but I also think she was disappointed it wasn't her turn. I think this is where the guilt is stemming from....we were engaged first, now our wedding is before theirs and I'm considering a honeymoon before attending their wedding. I might be being silly, I guess we just need to do what's best for us after some thought. Thanks everyone!

My husband and I were together 6 years before we got married. We saw several friends meet, get engaged, and get married first. You getting engaged first really is not anything you should feel guilty about. You do things as they work for you, and plan your honeymoon for a time when you feel good about going. If you want to go to their wedding, great. But you aren't obligated.

syoun1nj · July 2014

We actually delayed our honeymoon for a few months, not due to money/vacation time but mostly because I didn't feel like planning anything else. We got married in October and after the wedding we planned our honeymoon for January. It turned out that we loved that decision. We had both been back at work, back to the grind, etc...it gave us a new thing to plan and look forward to once the wedding was over -which quelled some of that "post wedding depression." It also let us reconnect as a couple. We decompressed after the wedding - both had Sunday/Monday off, and the gov was shut down so I actually had almost 2 weeks off after. I actually highly recommend delaying the honeymoon! But, you have to do what is best for you. If you want to do your honeymoon immediately, it is your call. If you want to attend this wedding, wait a bit. Their invitation isnt a subpoena.

melbenso · July 2014

Having just got married a week ago, I can say I am super happy that we decided to wait and go on our honeymoon a few months later. We were sooooo incredibly exhausted after the wedding, we would have been too tired to enjoy a vacation. We took Monday off to relax.

Aside from that, you need to decide what is best for you. Go on the honeymoon. Go to the wedding. You and your FI should make the decision together.

sarahufl · July 2014

We are getting married in a few weeks and delaying the HM till Christmas.

We are going to the beach for a few days just to decompress. I am going to a wedding 3 weeks after ours (FI is not going, long story!!) but I think you should do what works for you.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I had a friend who was married the week after H and I, and we went to their wedding. Our honeymoon was also delayed (to the point where we didn't have one - we went on a 1 year anniversary vacation instead). I really am glad we delayed our trip, because I was tired and needed to decompress, and we were vacationing in a place where I wanted to see the sights a bit. That said, we planned our "anniversamoon" completely independently of our friend's wedding, and you should too. Decide for yourself if you want to jetset off right away or wait it out a bit, then talk about her wedding. PP's are right that if they really wanted you there, they would have checked with you (though I get that sometimes you just take what's available. That's how we picked our date).
I'm glad we made it to the wedding, but dancing still felt kind of painful until we limbered up (I had danced on my wedding night enough that I think I strained and pulled a few muscles - take a hot soak after your reception).

schellzinator · July 2014

I definitely think when you go on your honeymoon is entirely up to you and FI. We got married on Saturday and then left on Monday for a three week trip through Europe...and I wouldn't have planned it any other way! It was so nice to have the time off from work and spend the first few weeks of being married with my best friend on an amazingly fantastic trip!

As for missing your friends wedding - I think they need to understand the circumstances. I've heard it mentioned on many other threads - a wedding invitation is not a subpoena. If you can make it - that's fantastic! If not - then you can't make it.

Bubblegum5586 · July 2014

We left for our HM at 8am the next morning (after staying up till 4am at the after party), we were tired but still had this high from the wedding and so excited for our cruise it wasn't a big deal. Our cruise was at sea the first 2 days so it was so easy to relax and decompress without feeling like we were missing out on anything. By the time we got to our first island we were ready to explore.

I loved taking our HM immediately, I was not ready to go back to the real world and we had an amazing stress free time to enjoy being in newlywed bliss! I will always remember that trip as one of my favs!

To OP - If a couple booked 1 week after your wedding, then that is a risk they took in not having a friend there. It stinks, but don't miss out on your honeymoon because of this! (Unless waiting a week/month is NBD)

aurianna · July 2014

OP, no matter what you decide, there is no need to worry.

Everyone's relationship is different. You do not need to feel guilty for marrying before your friend. I was dating hubby for 7 years before we got engaged, whereas I watched a good friend of mine get engaged after 4 months. And my mother didn't get married until a year after I did, despite being with my step-father for 15 years. You have no reason to feel guilty and if she's doing or saying something that's making you feel guilty, that's her issue and not yours.

There are no rules about when the Honeymoon needs to be.
This is what we did:
We got married on a Saturday. Hubby and I took off the Monday after our wedding so we could just relax and spend the day together. And then we went back to work (we weren't actually living in the same state at the time, so he went back to work 5 hours away).
Then we met back up two weeks later to go on our honeymoon.
It worked out fine. There was no weirdness with work and because we took that one day off we were rested.

If you want it right after your wedding, that's fine. You don't need to explain yourselves to your friends. Just give them your best wishes and a gift if you'd like and go on your honeymoon.

If it's important to you to go to their wedding, just postpone the honeymoon.

It's totally up to you and there is no wrong answer. So just do what works best for you.

kaos16 · July 2014

Let me share my tale of woe:

I was best friends with this girl since birth. She got engaged, then I did a few months later. When I became engaged we had a conversation about when we were thinking for weddings. She said she wanted to do May or June 2012. I said great, we are looking at September 2012. DH and I found an amazing venue that we loved and put down a deposit for September 15, 2012. I called this friend all excited as soon as we did and her response was "great, I have decided on September 21. My dad is taking the deposit this week." WTF?

I explained to her that based on our honeymoon plans we would not be able to make it to her wedding. She said that maybe we could change the plans, which I explained we couldn't (timing with DH's work schedule)

Fast forward to months of her countdown texts saying "can't wait to see you at the wedding" "get your dancing shoes on" etc. After the first 4-5 responses of "while we'd love to be there to celebrate with you, we unfortunately can't make it." I kinda stopped responding to the texts.

My wedding came and went, we left for our honeymoon and had a great time. Me and that lifelong friend have hardly spoken since. It sucks.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Yes, but that falling out could have happened if you had been able to attend her wedding. What wrecked the relationship was not that you couldn't go to her wedding. I think it was the fact that she insisted that her wedding and the pre-wedding countdown texts were more important than your plans.

kgd7357 · July 2014

I just got back from wedding weekend two of three. The first was mine in DC, then a college friend's in Palm Beach, next is a highschool friend's in Long Island. I oouldn't stand the thought of missing them, and both girls were at my wedding (one was a bridesmaid!). So last week we went to work, flew to Palm Beach Saturday morning, got back Sunday, back at work, train to NY this Friday, etc. Normal life. Although I can't wait for the honeymoon in August! We put it off because these events were so important to us. So really just do what you think you need to do, and decide how important it is for you to be there.

kaos16 · July 2014

adk19 said:

Yes, but that falling out could have happened if you had been able to attend her wedding. What wrecked the relationship was not that you couldn't go to her wedding. I think it was the fact that she insisted that her wedding and the pre-wedding countdown texts were more important than your plans.

I would disgree, I think that us not being at her wedding is what ruined the relationship.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

kaos16 said:

Let me share my tale of woe:
I was best friends with this girl since birth. She got engaged, then I did a few months later. When I became engaged we had a conversation about when we were thinking for weddings. She said she wanted to do May or June 2012. I said great, we are looking at September 2012. DH and I found an amazing venue that we loved and put down a deposit for September 15, 2012. I called this friend all excited as soon as we did and her response was "great, I have decided on September 21. My dad is taking the deposit this week." WTF?
I explained to her that based on our honeymoon plans we would not be able to make it to her wedding. She said that maybe we could change the plans, which I explained we couldn't (timing with DH's work schedule)
Fast forward to months of her countdown texts saying "can't wait to see you at the wedding" "get your dancing shoes on" etc. After the first 4-5 responses of "while we'd love to be there to celebrate with you, we unfortunately can't make it." I kinda stopped responding to the texts.
My wedding came and went, we left for our honeymoon and had a great time. Me and that lifelong friend have hardly spoken since. It sucks.

Then I guess she wasn't as good of a friend to you as you thought. If someone ends a friendship over the fact that you can't make their wedding then they aren't your true friend. It is just one day out of many in your life.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

kaos16 said:

adk19 said:

Yes, but that falling out could have happened if you had been able to attend her wedding. What wrecked the relationship was not that you couldn't go to her wedding. I think it was the fact that she insisted that her wedding and the pre-wedding countdown texts were more important than your plans.

I would disgree, I think that us not being at her wedding is what ruined the relationship.

Maybe. But since you told her so soon after her setting of the date that you wouldn't be able to attend, and she continued to send you countdown to the wedding texts as if what you told her was irrelevant, I actually think she was the rude one in this scenario. If she would have just let it go right off the bat, I don't think she would have necessarily been so hurt that you couldn't attend her wedding.

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