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Yay...my FSIL/BM has TOLD us she's bringing a guest

LDay2014LDay2014 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
...even though she's single, invite haven't gone out yet, and we aren't giving singles a +1. She wants to bring a random girlfriend. Both FI and I have told her that we are not extending invites to single guests (her and the best man included). I wouldn't be surprised if she brings her anyway, at which point she will be told there is not a seat at the table for her friend. Hurray passive aggressive family members!
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Re: Yay...my FSIL/BM has TOLD us she's bringing a guest

  • April192002April192002 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Sounds exciting! Good luck with that.
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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't understand why you are not extending +1 to your wedding party members. I mean if it were a truly single guest I can understand that, but to not be considerate of your wedding party is another matter.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Just address her invitation to her. Her RSVP card might say "_1_ seat has been reserved in your honor". Or you could phrase the RSVP " ___ # attending ___ decline with regret" if she responds with anything else, be sure to let her know that there won't be a seat or a meal for anyone but her. Not to be harsh but she sounds a little pushy and clueless.
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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I don't have much advice on this since I folded in a similar situation (kind of). One of MIL's friends told me three weeks before the wedding that she was crashing. Ugh. We'd offered guests to his parents and they said they didn't want to invite anyone. But when I later asked his mom (I was too flabbergasted to say anything to the friend) she said "oh yeah, she'd definitely do that." So since we had the space/budget for her I just saved myself the stress and added her and her guest.

    Both situations are super rude, and I seriously commend you for sticking to your guns. Is there someone on your FI's side that could talk to her and get her to listen? If not, maybe you should alert your applicable vendors of this possibility, so at the very least they don't think you're trying to short-change them numbers wise.
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    MNVegas said:
    I don't understand why you are not extending +1 to your wedding party members. I mean if it were a truly single guest I can understand that, but to not be considerate of your wedding party is another matter.

    *SIB*
    Why should we give her a plus one since she's truly single but then not give them to other people that are truly single? 
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    scrunchythief said:
    I don't have much advice on this since I folded in a similar situation (kind of). One of MIL's friends told me three weeks before the wedding that she was crashing. Ugh. We'd offered guests to his parents and they said they didn't want to invite anyone. But when I later asked his mom (I was too flabbergasted to say anything to the friend) she said "oh yeah, she'd definitely do that." So since we had the space/budget for her I just saved myself the stress and added her and her guest.

    Both situations are super rude, and I seriously commend you for sticking to your guns. Is there someone on your FI's side that could talk to her and get her to listen? If not, maybe you should alert your applicable vendors of this possibility, so at the very least they don't think you're trying to short-change them numbers wise.
    Yeah, It's pretty easy when your guest is is 26 people.  If she shows up, it's very simple.  I'm sorry FSIL, but as we had indicated there is not a place at the reception for your friend.  

    FSIL is one of those people who makes it all about her and will make noise until she gets her own way...not going to happen here.
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    She's your future sister in law and bridesmaid. Get over yourself and let her bring a guest.
    maybe a different story if she'd asked instead of demanded but not going to happen.
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    lolo883 said:
    So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.
    and maybe it would be a different story if i was asking her to do a million things, but all she has to do is show up in a dress sober.  No shower, no bachelorette, no envelope stuffing.  Nothing.  And she's not paying for the dress, MIL is...which, she doesn't even have as of yet (less than 3 months to go).  If she had been easy going and co-operative up until this point, it might be a different story but since she continually picks fights with FI, and makes assumptions instead of having a conversation with FI and I - I don't have any desire to cater to her whim of inviting a GF to our very small wedding.
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    edited July 2014
    STARMOON44 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    She's your future sister in law and bridesmaid. Get over yourself and let her bring a guest.
    maybe a different story if she'd asked instead of demanded but not going to happen.
    Are all of you 12? Do you want a pleasant life or not? You can either make your wedding into a drama all about her "demand" to bring a guest (which is probably what she wants) or you can decide that there will be no drama, since of course the people you care about most who you've asked to stand up with you at your wedding are welcome to bring a guest.
    There's no drama.  If she decides to invite her friend after being told she is not getting a +1 then that's on her - not us.  Unfortunately there will not be a seat at the table for her friend.  And yes, she does act very childish more often than not.
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    AddieCake said:
    I wouldn't dream of not giving my wedding party or sibling a guest.

    *SIB*
    Honest question...why? Your WP would be busy enough being in the wedding and your sibling (if truly single) does not require a guest.
    Why do siblings and wedding party get to be above etiquette?
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    edited July 2014
    AddieCake said:
    Because they are your nearest and dearest. Because they are standing up with you and should be given this smidge of special treatment. Because it just feels like the right thing to do for immediate family and wedding party members. Because sometimes the fallout from family drama that could do permanent damage is not worth it for a couple hours of life that doesn't really affect you in the grand scheme of things.
    Under general circumstances I'd agree with you. FSIL is a snow flake at it's finest and will do everything to make the entire wedding about her.  She's an adult child who feels entitled to the extreme.  Even though there will be lots of people there that she knows and associates with on a daily basis she still feels the need to bring another friend.  And hey, like I said - if she'd asked it may have been a different story but rather she dictated that she was bringing a girlfriend of hers because she feels she deserves it.  NOPE.

    She's a BM because FI wanted to try and help mend a broken relationship (yes, hindsight...wrong move).  It was important to FMIL as well.  That ship has sailed so we are keeping it very simple for her - show up, in the dress, sober.  We aren't sure that either of those two things will happen, but we've discussed our course of action should she not be able to fulfill either of those
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Why did you make this woman, whom you clearly don't like, a bridesmaid?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    Rules of etiquette is that you don't have to give a truly single guest a plus one - so I don't understand why this is an issue?  I really don't.

    She is truly single.   If she was seeing someone she felt important enough to bring, then that person would be invited without question (same thing we've told the best man).  I don't care if they tells us the day before if they're seeing someone, that person would be invited.  

    But it's incredibly rude for her to demand that she have a plus one for a random girlfriend that FI and I have met a handful of times between us?
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yes, it's rude that she demand it. Nobody is disputing that. I'm still wondering why she is even a bridesmaid when you clearly don't like her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    Previous post

    She's a BM because FI wanted to try and help mend a broken relationship (yes, hindsight...wrong move).  It was important to FMIL as well.  That ship has sailed so we are keeping it very simple for her - show up, in the dress, sober.  We aren't sure that either of those two things will happen, but we've discussed our course of action should she not be able to fulfill either of those
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    AddieCake said:
    Yes, it's rude that she demand it. Nobody is disputing that. I'm still wondering why she is even a bridesmaid when you clearly don't like her.
    This is where I am. But you did ask her, and she's family, so you're going to have to deal with her being resentful over this later on. Take the high road and let her bring the friend you won't even have to say more than a sentence or two to.
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  • SenecafSenecaf member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Is your wedding very small and intimate? If so I could see not alowing her to bring a guest, otherwise to me, it seems silly to make a fuss over.

    My truly single brother is my man of honor. He told me he will find a girl (have fun introducing a random girl to the ENTIRE fam little bro) to bring to the wedding. Never asked if he could, just assumed. And that's fine. Half of our wedding party is single but they all get dates. Not all single guests do, but thw people in our WP are especially important to us and we want them to be comfortable.

    At the end of it all you and FI get to make the decision, but if you already have a strained relationship with her I suggest just letting her bring someone to keep things on the mend. I might invite her and the other WP meter with a plus one so she doesn't feel like you conceded to her, but that's just me.
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  • saacjwsaacjw member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    You have every right to not give her a +1, but I ask you, is it worth the drama? Clearly, there's going to be some if you don't let her bring a friend, since she sounds a bit bratty, but if it were me, I'd choose to keep the drama at a minimum and give her the +1. She might always do what my youngest brother did and call to say that he's bringing someone the day before the wedding.

    I also agree that it's nice to give your bridal party the option of having someone with come with them. 
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2014
    I don't think the PP were saying that you have to extend this invite because WP are above etiquette, I think most of them just think it's a natural line to give a plus one to without extending them to the whole single guest list.  That attitude you're talking about I'm very familiar with so I'm glad the ladies on here convinced me to not ask a girl to be in my WP who would've been the same kind of entitled issue.  Since that ship has sailed for you, you have two choices really.

    1. Dig in your heels about not allowing the friend.  Issue the invitation to FSIL very pointedly to ONE person, make a point that you will only have exactly as many chairs as invited guests (same goes for food).  Risk the relationship not only with FSIL but also FMIL which will extend to your FI as you two are decidedly going to be counted as a unit.  Trust me, it'll only be worse if you're going to be "the mean wife" who didn't let your own SIL have a plus one for your wedding. 

    2. Make room for this random girl and avoid this topic being brought up at every family dinner, holiday, and reflected in any gifts you get from that side of the family from now until Doomsday.

    If she doesn't end up buying the dress, then she takes herself out of the WP and your problems might be solved as far as having someone stand up with you whom you clearly dislike.  But she's always going to be family so there are some things that are just not too smart to do unless you want it to be the family's Big Deal forever. 

    Something like her drunkenly trying to take over the DJ booth to sing to the two of you would be an example of something no one will blame you for preventing.  But allowing one more guest (even though I agree she was totally in the wrong to demand it) might just keep her from kicking up more of a fuss.  If it doesn't, stand firm on whatever else the Diva decides is going to happen at your wedding. 

    ETA: Then you can start from a place of "Look, FSIL, we let you bring Friend to the wedding even though you didn't ask us if it was okay first.  We're not going to let you spray paint the chapel to match your dress."
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