Small Ceremony and Dinner after

04JNicole · July 2014

So I am about 4 month and some days until the big day of which the only thing I have done is reserve my aunt's backyard and reserve a restaurant's private room. We are expecting no more than 30 people for the dinner (no children) and 40 for the ceremony. My question is do I have to give little gifts for the people that are coming to our dinner? It's not really a reception so I am not sure what the right etiquette is.

Thanks,

Thoroughly confused

AddieCake · July 2014

04JNicole said:

So I am about 4 month and some days until the big day of which the only thing I have done is reserve my aunt's backyard and reserve a restaurant's private room. We are expecting no more than 30 people for the dinner (no children) and 40 for the ceremony. My question is do I have to give little gifts for the people that are coming to our dinner? It's not really a reception so I am not sure what the right etiquette is.

Thanks,
Thoroughly confused

It is a reception if it immediately follows your ceremony. No, you do not have to give little gifts (favors) at the reception. Why are there more people coming to the ceremony than the reception?

04JNicole · July 2014

Thanks Addie for the response.

As it relates to your question, my mom thought I should invite some of my cousins to the wedding (and my aunt, their mom has them thinking they are attending). So I told her fine they could come to the ceremony (depending on location) but I am not paying for them at the reception because then I would have to open it up to all my cousins (or it wouldn't be fair). Truthfully all the FI and I wanted was a courthouse wedding with our immediate family followed by dinner, but my mom was not having it. So this is the compromise that we are doing.

AddieCake · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Thanks Addie for the response.
As it relates to your question, my mom thought I should invite some of my cousins to the wedding (and my aunt, their mom has them thinking they are attending). So I told her fine they could come to the ceremony (depending on location) but I am not paying for them at the reception because then I would have to open it up to all my cousins (or it wouldn't be fair). Truthfully all the FI and I wanted was a courthouse wedding with our immediate family followed by dinner, but my mom was not having it. So this is the compromise that we are doing.

Oh, dear. That is not cool and is not going to go over very well here! Anybody invited to the wedding must also be invited to the reception. It's just bad manners not to.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Thanks Addie for the response.
As it relates to your question, my mom thought I should invite some of my cousins to the wedding (and my aunt, their mom has them thinking they are attending). So I told her fine they could come to the ceremony (depending on location) but I am not paying for them at the reception because then I would have to open it up to all my cousins (or it wouldn't be fair). Truthfully all the FI and I wanted was a courthouse wedding with our immediate family followed by dinner, but my mom was not having it. So this is the compromise that we are doing.

I am assuming from your post that you and your FI are paying for the wedding. Correct? If so, it doesn't matter what your Mom is or is not having. If the two of you are paying then you have complete control over what type of wedding you have. So if you want to have a courthouse wedding with a handful of people and then a dinner afterwards that is what you should do. You are an adult and need to take control of your own wedding and what you and your FI want.

But yeah, if you invite people to the ceremony then they must also be invited to the reception. If you don't want to host them then don't invite them to the ceremony.

I think it is time to stick up to your Mom.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

Is the aunt hosting your wedding this same aunt that wants her kids to attend? That is, she's hosting in her backyard and she wants her kids to be allowed to be home for the wedding? If so, I think it would be a nice thank you for her hosting your wedding to host her children for the meal. There is no need to invite any other cousins.

04JNicole · July 2014

Thanks all for the advice and notes. As it relates to etiquette I have been to lots of weddings where I was invited to the ceremony and not the reception after (maybe this is a Miami thing). I actually prefer (but that's just me) and yes we are paying for the wedding but she said she is also helping (said she will help with reception and she's getting me my dress).

As it relates to the compromise my mom is a Pastor as are most people in my family so they had an issue with me not being married by a minister. For the FI and I this was not a sticking point, so we were OK with it, just didn't want a church wedding.

As background my whole family has been waiting for me to get married so already people are going to get offended (FYI I have an extremely large family). So it is what it is. My aunt who is letting us use her backyard is also my minister and the cousin is not her child. I have told my whole family from day 1 that this is an intimate ceremony and that we will have a large 'renewal/reception' in about a year or so (so the FI's family can come). Also if I invite 1 cousin I have to invite the other or in my family it's a bigger issue then not inviting any at all.

Jen4948 · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Thanks Addie for the response.
As it relates to your question, my mom thought I should invite some of my cousins to the wedding (and my aunt, their mom has them thinking they are attending). So I told her fine they could come to the ceremony (depending on location) but I am not paying for them at the reception because then I would have to open it up to all my cousins (or it wouldn't be fair). Truthfully all the FI and I wanted was a courthouse wedding with our immediate family followed by dinner, but my mom was not having it. So this is the compromise that we are doing.

Rude compromise. If you don't want to pay for them at the reception, then don't invite them. And stand firm with your mom without compromising. If she's not paying then it doesn't matter what she is or isn't "having."

Regardless of what is or is not done in Miami, it is rude all over the world to invite someone to a wedding ceremony but not provide hospitality for them afterwards.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

Wow, you are being extremely rude to your guests. It's so offensive to be invited to the ceremony but not the reception. That's terrible etiquette.

Invite them to everything or nothing.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

Being a pastor's kid, and of a family with many pastors, you were probably invited to tons of OPEN weddings in CHURCHES. I assume that's why you were invited to many weddings and few receptions. Invited only to weddings in public places passes the etiquette "test" because they are, well, public places. Your wedding is in a private backyard. Btw, just because something is commonly done doesn't mean it's right.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Anyone that you've invited to the ceremony needs to be invited to the dinner.

04JNicole · July 2014

Again thanks for all your comments and thoughts.

04JNicole · July 2014

Just out of curiosity does everyone agree that no favors need to be given at the dinner? Sorry just going back to original question.

Jen4948 · July 2014

Everyone seems to agree that no favors are necessary at the dinner. But inviting everyone invited to the ceremony to the dinner is.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Just out of curiosity does everyone agree that no favors need to be given at the dinner? Sorry just going back to original question.

Favors are not necessary.

I think tis' very important to note etiquette here, though. Anyone invited to your ceremony must be invited to the reception. The reason is because the reception is where you "receive" your guests and thank them for attending the ceremony. I'm sorry bad hosting has happened to you here. It's not "a Miami thing" it's "a rude thing". If your preference was to not attend the reception, you could have just RSVP'd that way - but they're bad hosts for not inviting you to the reception.

What you COULD do would be to have your wedding at like 2pm and have a cake and punch reception in the backyard from 2:30-4:30 or so. Just serve small finger foods and drinks (non-alcoholic will save you money). That way you will have properly hosted everyone who came to the ceremony. This is probably a lot more affordable.

You can always go out to dinner with a couple of close relatives (e.g. your parents) later, just don't make it part of the wedding/reception. And be careful not to invite EVERYONE except those cousins. Otherwise, it looks like a tiered reception.

ETA: If your family is already peeved about this, they're going to be super peeved if they're poorly hosted.

04JNicole · July 2014

Thanks all.

MyNameIsNot · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Thanks all for the advice and notes. As it relates to etiquette I have been to lots of weddings where I was invited to the ceremony and not the reception after (maybe this is a Miami thing). I actually prefer (but that's just me) and yes we are paying for the wedding but she said she is also helping (said she will help with reception and she's getting me my dress).

As it relates to the compromise my mom is a Pastor as are most people in my family so they had an issue with me not being married by a minister. For the FI and I this was not a sticking point, so we were OK with it, just didn't want a church wedding.

As background my whole family has been waiting for me to get married so already people are going to get offended (FYI I have an extremely large family). So it is what it is. My aunt who is letting us use her backyard is also my minister and the cousin is not her child. I have told my whole family from day 1 that this is an intimate ceremony and that we will have a large 'renewal/reception' in about a year or so (so the FI's family can come). Also if I invite 1 cousin I have to invite the other or in my family it's a bigger issue then not inviting any at all.

I'm sorry that someone treated you that way. No, it is not a Miami thing. It was a deliberate slap in the face to you.

Still, the fact that someone was so nasty to you does not give you license to take it out on your cousins. If they aren't welcome at the reception, you don't invite them to the ceremony. Presumably, you are not throwing this wedding as a deliberate attempt to insult your cousins. Don't turn it into one.

No, favors are never necessary. Treating guests like humans is, though.

04JNicole · July 2014

All thanks again for the thoughts, but the truth of the matter is honestly it's not a big deal to invite people to a ceremony but not a reception. Moreover, I did not invite my cousin, my second mother/aunt is did although I told her I wanted it small which is what my whole family is doing. I am not worried about offending people especially my family as I have told them that I am doing something small. Additionally most of my cousins have 2 to 5 children and are going to be offended that I am not allowing children. But guess what it is my day, as much as I appreciate your words (and I do) I will still do what I think is right for me. What that is, we will find out.

CMGragain · July 2014

You have never read an etiquette book in your life, have you?
The other ladies are trying to HELP you. LISTEN to them!
It is one of the worst things you can do - to send someone an invitation that invites them only to your ceremony. Horribly rude! Please do not do this!
The reception is a party held on your wedding day FOR YOUR GUESTS! It is not a party for you. The hosts give the party to THANK THE GUESTS for attending your ceremony. To not include all of your invited guests is unforgivable.
This rule does not apply to church members who show up to a ceremony held in their own church. It does apply to anyone who receives a written invitation!
Nobody cares about your table decorations, your favors, or your fancy invitations. They do care about being treated respectfully. How would you feel, saying "Wasn't the wedding beautiful?" "Yes, and the dinner was great, too!" "Dinner? We didn't get any dinner!" This is family you are snubbing!
I can suggest an alternative. Cancel the restaurant, and serve sandwiches, cake and punch to everybody in your Aunt's backyard. This is perfectly proper, and will include everyone.
I am an old church lady from way back, and believe me when I warn you that if you follow your rude plan, you will insult your family and come off as an entitled, spoiled brat who doesn't care about her own family. LISTEN TO US!

04JNicole · July 2014

Again thank you so much for everyone's opinion but honestly I have been invited to many ceremonies and not dinners. It never bothered me and I was never offended. Unfortunately other people are inviting people to my wedding. Everyone knew who was to be invited but they decided to not listen to me and instead to invite people to my ceremony. So I am making the best of a bad situation. Honestly I never asked about anyone about inviting people to a ceremony v reception. How about this. I don't invite the rest of my family (they will show up anyway, cause it's my family) then everyone will be happy on the knot and my family would be upset because all my family wants is to be at the wedding that they want me to have but not pay for. I like it....I am going to change my whole theme. Thanks guys!

CMGragain · July 2014

04JNicole said:

All thanks again for the thoughts, but the truth of the matter is honestly it's not a big deal to invite people to a ceremony but not a reception. Moreover, I did not invite my cousin, my second mother/aunt is did although I told her I wanted it small which is what my whole family is doing. I am not worried about offending people especially my family as I have told them that I am doing something small. Additionally most of my cousins have 2 to 5 children and are going to be offended that I am not allowing children. But guess what it is my day, as much as I appreciate your words (and I do) I will still do what I think is right for me. What that is, we will find out.

Oh, FFS! Who ever told you that it was your day? It isn't. Not if you invite guests! You have an obligation to treat your guests with courtesy. You are one of the most ridiculous people who has ever posted on the Knot. We tried to help you, but you are digging yourself a wedding shitpile of bad manners and entitlement. Wake up and smell the coffee, buttercup!

ohannabelle · July 2014

This is like saying it's not rude to chew with your mouth open, because you've seen people do it, and it didn't bother you. It doesn't mean it isn't rude, or that other people won't be offended.

It's not just rude and offensive, it's really rude and offensive.

How do you think those ten guests feel, watching the other 30 heading off for the reception,wondering why they weren't good enough to make the cut?

(Yes, I know, it didn't bother you. It should.)

It's your wedding. It's not your day, or all about you. The moment you invite guests, it's about you and your guests. Being rude to guests is never okay.

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to have learned manners. You are behaving very disrespectfully to your guests.

04JNicole · July 2014

CMGragain said:

04JNicole said:

All thanks again for the thoughts, but the truth of the matter is honestly it's not a big deal to invite people to a ceremony but not a reception. Moreover, I did not invite my cousin, my second mother/aunt is did although I told her I wanted it small which is what my whole family is doing. I am not worried about offending people especially my family as I have told them that I am doing something small. Additionally most of my cousins have 2 to 5 children and are going to be offended that I am not allowing children. But guess what it is my day, as much as I appreciate your words (and I do) I will still do what I think is right for me. What that is, we will find out.

Oh, FFS! Who ever told you that it was your day? It isn't. Not if you invite guests! You have an obligation to treat your guests with courtesy. You are one of the most ridiculous people who has ever posted on the Knot. We tried to help you, but you are digging yourself a wedding shitpile of bad manners and entitlement. Wake up and smell the coffee, buttercup!

Thank you for your kind words, they will really assist me in changing my ideas/views

04JNicole · July 2014

Thank you for your words. This is actually something that I have spoken to my mom and my aunts about (since they are the ones that are recommending I do this). There response is that they wouldn't care. Before any invitations go out I would have a conversation with those and let them know and see how they react and explain my situation. The truth is I am in a catch 22 because everyone wants me to spend 40K on a wedding and I don't want that. So already everyone is disappointed in my decision so at this point I am just doing what I want to do.

vsgal · July 2014

Let's put this in another context.

Your friend Sue invites you to come over and watch her daughter preform the piano pieces she has been working hard at. The invite says to come at 6:00. You accept the invite. You show up on the day of the event with a small gift for little Becky. You watch her play. At the end of the recital, Sue tells you and 10 other people that you have to leave because nibbles and dinner are about to be served and there is no room for you at the table. You did not make the cut.

Good luck on your friend/family relationships after you pull this crap. I would drop you like a hot potato if you invited me to one part of the night, but not the whole thing.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Thank you for your words. This is actually something that I have spoken to my mom and my aunts about (since they are the ones that are recommending I do this). There response is that they wouldn't care. Before any invitations go out I would have a conversation with those and let them know and see how they react and explain my situation. The truth is I am in a catch 22 because everyone wants me to spend 40K on a wedding and I don't want that. So already everyone is disappointed in my decision so at this point I am just doing what I want to do.

Okay, I'm going to try and give some friendly real-world advice. I hope you are still listening and can keep an open mind.

You seem far more concerned about what your mom and aunts want you to do, instead of taking responsibility for hosting your wedding properly. I see a lot of pushing this responsibility and decision-making off onto other family members: they're inviting people to your wedding, they want you to spend $40k, they say it's okay not to invite your cousins to dinner, etc.

You keep saying it's YOUR DAY. You are partially right: this is the first gathering that you and your new husband are hosting. You need to take some adult responsibility for that. Do you want your first hosted gathering as husband and wife to be characterized by a) inviting people you don't really want there, and then b) walking away with 75% of your guests while the last 25% feel like they didn't make the cut? Whether or not you were personally offended when it happened to you, inviting those people to the ceremony but not to the reception is objectively one of the rudest things you can do to your guests. It's really pretty terrible.

There is a ton of room between $40k and "simple backyard wedding with restaurant reception." Don't just throw up your hands and let your mom run the show because you feel like you've disappointed her. Take some ownership over what's happening: having the wedding at the size where you feel comfortable, and then however many guests you host, host them properly.

You said invitations have not yet gone out. My advice is to only invite people you truly want to be there and can afford to host the whole way through. This means maybe not inviting those cousins if you don't want them there. Stand up to your mom and your aunt. It's way less offensive simply not to be invited, especially to such a tiny wedding, than watch all the other guests walk away without you for a nice meal.

zitiqueen · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Thank you for your words. This is actually something that I have spoken to my mom and my aunts about (since they are the ones that are recommending I do this). There response is that they wouldn't care. Before any invitations go out I would have a conversation with those and let them know and see how they react and explain my situation. The truth is I am in a catch 22 because everyone wants me to spend 40K on a wedding and I don't want that. So already everyone is disappointed in my decision so at this point I am just doing what I want to do.

Then don't! Jesus. Have the wedding that you want to have. Honestly, are you going to let these peope continue to bully you into doing what they want on your dime for the rest of your life? If you're mature enough to be married, you're mature enough to stand up for what you want. Is your future husband okay with these people making all of your decisions for you?

JCbride2015 · July 2014

04JNicole said:

Again thank you so much for everyone's opinion but honestly I have been invited to many ceremonies and not dinners. It never bothered me and I was never offended. Unfortunately other people are inviting people to my wedding. Everyone knew who was to be invited but they decided to not listen to me and instead to invite people to my ceremony. So I am making the best of a bad situation. Honestly I never asked about anyone about inviting people to a ceremony v reception. How about this. I don't invite the rest of my family (they will show up anyway, cause it's my family) then everyone will be happy on the knot and my family would be upset because all my family wants is to be at the wedding that they want me to have but not pay for. I like it....I am going to change my whole theme. Thanks guys!

JIC

LDay2014 · July 2014

when I was about 8 my family got invited to the ceremony only. At 8, I was offended. At 8 I knew that we had just been told 'you're just not that important to us'. 8 years old and I thought it was rude...and I still remember it 20 odd years later.

It's rude.

MyNameIsNot · July 2014

I'm sorry that you have such little respect for yourself that you think it is ok when people treated you this way. That is unbelievably sad.

Still, you are using your wedding as a tool to ruin relationships. That's never going to turn out well for you. You're lucky that the ladies on this board are here to help you avoid embarrassing yourself, but if you're dead set on treating people badly, there's nothing anyone can do to help you.

Pretending it's no big deal is not good. You can be as nasty as you want, but pretending that you won't have to deal with the fall out is simply denial. It's pretty unlikely that everyone on your guest list thinks of themselves as lowly as you do.

FiancB · July 2014

Your mother is being awful and is going to humiliate you one way or another if you don't stand up to her.

TBH if at all possible I would just try to suck it up and invite the cousins. If you are hosting 30 people, what's another 10, assuming they even all show? But if that's really not possible, either scale back your plans or don't invite them. Your mom doesn't get to boss you around, especially when this is your financial responsibility.

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