Anybody feel like knowing etiquette makes you more sensitive?

mysticl · July 2014

theexactlee said:

You can't tell adults what they HAVE to do. You can make suggestions I guess. I don't even know. I mean like No Gifts Please. But telling them what color they have to wear? I absolutely positively have no issues with PPD's. I don't agree that signing papers at a courthouse is your wedding, that's called signing legal documents. It is then up to you as an adult to decide when within that year and how to celebrate. I've never heard of anyone turning their nose up at this until I visited TK. I've know plenty of people who have done it in different states at different ages of my life and people showed up happy as can be to celebrate. My vow renewal invites will include "No Gift Please" or something of that sort. We are also inviting children in circles so some people might have hurt feelings if they don't understand the circles. So I guess my answer is yes. I think that being an active member of this forum can be a double edged sword. But it's also a wonderful place to chat and bounce things off other ladies who are in your position.

I have. Members of the bride's family were extremely offended that they were lied to about the bride's marital status and were offended for the bride's mother who spent her entire year's salary throwing her only daughter a wedding.

Note: The mother worked part-time and they lived off the husband's salary. The mother's salary went to extras an that year the extra was their daughter's wedding. But she may not have chosen to spend that money if she had known her daughter was already married.

MobKaz · July 2014

TerriHugg said:

^^^ I'd understand understand declining as it would be an inconvenience to you, but I certainly wouldn't rethink a friendship because they asked everyone to wear white to the party. And I definitely don't think it's cruel. I think it's a bit harsh to rethink a because they asked to wear white. That seems a bit like overkill to me. Sure decline, but rethink a friendship over it?
If I didn't already own something white and couldn't afford to buy something new I would probably decline as well. But it didn't inconvenience me and my husband and I both own something white.

Anyway, point taken. It's an inconvenience to some people but it wasn't to me so I didn't mind and wish more people would put it on invitations. I don't see the all white request as controlling. I see it as fun - similar to a themed party. (i.e. i've been to 90's themed parties, a halloween party, shorts &stilletos/surfer shorts and guinea t-shirt themed party, etc. )

But that's clearly just me and my family.

I do not appreciate being told what to wear. I am capable of ascertaining appropriate attire for an event. I would absolutely not make a special purchase because a color or theme was indicated on an invitation. However, I would not decline the event either. I cannot fathom that a friend would prefer me to decline their event over wearing an "off colored" outfit. If that friend would comment on my attire, THAT would be the friendship ending move.

theexactlee · July 2014

@mysticl Sorry that had paragraphs previously I swear.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

I know this is not necessarily the place to debate PPD (I think we all know how the others feel) but I just had a conversation about this with one of my BFFs. Her longtime friend is married and is having a huge PPD two years after the date of her actual marriage.

BFF literally described the party this way: "And she's having the whole charade, with a big dress and bridesmaids and everything. It's ridiculous. I'm only going because I still want to be her friend and she'd never talk to me again if I didn't go." At least the wife isn't lying about their status, everybody knows they are married. BFF says everyone is rolling their eyes at this couple but the wife is spoiled and the parents are throwing the big lavish PPD.

Many people still side-eye this even if they don't have the term PPD to call it by. TK helped crystallize to me the reasons this already bothered me, and supplied a name to call the charade. But many people, myself included, would side-eye with or without TK.

pearlsofsteel · July 2014

Ehhhhh...

I was raised with heavy emphasis on etiquette - often taking classes. You know, the day-to-day kind of etiquette. Never crossing your legs but crossing your ankles. How to eat, where to place your napkin, how to indicate your done... blah blah. Be sure to open the bottle a guest brings into your home with them, that very day/night. Make eye contact when you cheers. Be the one to initiate hand shakes with men. Etc. Etc.

Even with all of that, a lot of the wedding etiquette I'm learning on TK does not create chronic side eyes when people are going about their weddings however they please. Pot luck? Great! I love to cook - wedding's are expensive, whatever you need to make your day special. Military PPD? Woo! Welcome home! Let's do the damn thing. Dress code? Gotcha! ...KWIM?

I believe it to be in poor etiquette to correct other's etiquette. Just go with the flow and save your gripes for pillow talk.

I only have two legitimate passive-aggressive gripes: (a) when cash is blatantly requested as a gift. I'll even suck it up when it comes to a Honeyfund but if you, the bride, straight up tell me you just want money, you're ONLY getting what I assume my plate cost and nothing more (when you likely would have received significantly more). (b) you're having a destination wedding, have known you're having a destination wedding shortly after you become engaged and send out e-mail invites a month beforehand because you couldn't be bothered to compile all of the information about the wedding until then. This has happened to twice amongst my group of friends. EVERYONE side eyes you. Like... giiiiirl. Come on. Get it together.

theexactlee · July 2014

JCbride2015 said:

I know this is not necessarily the place to debate PPD (I think we all know how the others feel) but I just had a conversation about this with one of my BFFs. Her longtime friend is married and is having a huge PPD two years after the date of her actual marriage.

BFF literally described the party this way: "And she's having the whole charade, with a big dress and bridesmaids and everything. It's ridiculous. I'm only going because I still want to be her friend and she'd never talk to me again if I didn't go." At least the wife isn't lying about their status, everybody knows they are married. BFF says everyone is rolling their eyes at this couple but the wife is spoiled and the parents are throwing the big lavish PPD.

Many people still side-eye this even if they don't have the term PPD to call it by. TK helped crystallize to me the reasons this already bothered me, and supplied a name to call the charade. But many people, myself included, would side-eye with or without TK.

Bwahahaha (insert maniacal laugh) that's not a PPD that's called an awkward vow renewal. Not even at an appropriate year (10, 20, 25, 50). You don't have a PPD 2 years later. That is called a costume party even. Or performance art. I have nothing against people who have their PPD within a YEAR of the signing of their papers. A year. A YEAR!

JCbride2015 · July 2014

theexactlee said:

JCbride2015 said:

I know this is not necessarily the place to debate PPD (I think we all know how the others feel) but I just had a conversation about this with one of my BFFs. Her longtime friend is married and is having a huge PPD two years after the date of her actual marriage.

BFF literally described the party this way: "And she's having the whole charade, with a big dress and bridesmaids and everything. It's ridiculous. I'm only going because I still want to be her friend and she'd never talk to me again if I didn't go." At least the wife isn't lying about their status, everybody knows they are married. BFF says everyone is rolling their eyes at this couple but the wife is spoiled and the parents are throwing the big lavish PPD.

Many people still side-eye this even if they don't have the term PPD to call it by. TK helped crystallize to me the reasons this already bothered me, and supplied a name to call the charade. But many people, myself included, would side-eye with or without TK.

Bwahahaha (insert maniacal laugh) that's not a PPD that's called an awkward vow renewal. Not even at an appropriate year (10, 20, 25, 50). You don't have a PPD 2 years later. That is called a costume party even. Or performance art. I have nothing against people who have their PPD within a YEAR of the signing of their papers. A year. A YEAR!

Yeah, the whole thing is extremely bizarre. I'm calling it a PPD because while their marriage status is common knowledge, they still call each of boyfriend and girlfriend (not even Fi). Just so weird. Performance art, indeed.

steph861 · July 2014

To a certain extent, I do feel like reading the TK etiquette board has made me more sensitive to it. While I may not side-eye something, I will take notice of it now that I know it is against etiquette.

There are other things that I never felt strongly about, but now that I've seen how other people react, I feel more defensive about those things. I won't be doing them at my own wedding, but I disagree with harshly judging couples for doing them.

Then there are the things that I'd never even heard of before coming to TK, most of which seem incredibly tacky to me.

Of course, there are some things that I always have and will continue to find tacky.

MegEn1 · July 2014

Etiquette is for the doer. As the hostess, there's things I need to do to make sure I don't potentially offend my guests. As the guest, there's things I need to do to make sure I don't potentially offend my hosts. In either role, being a snide and judgey brat is inappropriate unless there's something that goes beyond the pale. Like, I don't know, punching another guest or something.

The things that annoy me before The Knot were the things that always annoy me - long receiving lines. No place to sit during cocktail hour. Toasts that go on for days when the bar is closed. They don't annoy me because they're bad etiquette - they annoy me because they're annoying.

Anybody feel like knowing etiquette makes you more sensitive?

Re: Anybody feel like knowing etiquette makes you more sensitive?

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