Wedding Etiquette Forum

Vent - BSC bride

mcda04mcda04 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
edited July 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

                Oh gosh where do I begin? I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding and so far the process has been very frustrating. I am dealing with a clueless, entitled bride but the worst of it came yesterday when I received a text message from her announcing they were having a destination wedding next spring with plans of having a PPD two years later. Her message was “we figured we can do a big wedding later if we want to” I immediately responded to her asking her why she was going to have a civil ceremony if they planned on marrying in the Catholic Church and the excuse was “well we love each other and can’t wait to be married so we’re just going to invite 50 people and have a bigger one in two years”

 

I was very upset to say the least. I think it’s a matter of budget so I suggested they revise the guest list and move the date up entirely but her response was “no I still want a big wedding that’s why we want to have another one later, we aren’t having a reception either just a small ceremony”

 

I didn’t know where to begin. I’ve addressed the reception issue and informed them this is a requirement and how stupid spending twice is but nothing I say is being considered whatsoever. I even sent her link to the PPD post to what she responded “these people married for valid reasons, I just want to be married so I wouldn’t judge anybody” I’ve hit a brick wall.

 

I told her I’ll gladly be her MOH in her upcoming destination wedding but I cannot do it again at their PPD.  I am at a loss for words and can’t believe she doesn’t understand why this is rude and how it makes no freakin sense. 

Re: Vent - BSC bride

  • mcda04 said:

                    Oh gosh where do I begin? I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding and so far the process has been very frustrating. I am dealing with a clueless, entitled bride but the worst of it came yesterday when I received a text message from her announcing they were having a destination wedding next spring with plans of having a PPD two years later. Her message was “we figured we can do a big wedding later if we want to” I immediately responded to her asking her why she was going to have a civil ceremony if they planned on marrying in the Catholic Church and the excuse was “well we love each other and can’t wait to be married so we’re just going to invite 50 people and have a bigger one in two years”

     

    I was very upset to say the least. I think it’s a matter of budget so I suggested they revise the guest list and move the date up entirely but her response was “no I still want a big wedding that’s why we want to have another one later, we aren’t having a reception either just a small ceremony”

     

    I didn’t know where to begin. I’ve addressed the reception issue and informed them this is a requirement and how stupid spending twice is but nothing I say is being considered whatsoever. I even sent her link to the PPD post to what she responded “these people married for valid reasons, I just want to be married so I wouldn’t judge anybody” I’ve hit a brick wall.

     

    I told her I’ll gladly be her MOH in her upcoming destination wedding but I cannot do it again at their PPD.  I am at a loss for words and can’t believe she doesn’t understand why this is rude and how it makes no freakin sense. 

    Some people have their minds set on something so much, they don't care to even see the other side of this coin.

    I think you have done what you can in trying to talk her out of her PPD.  I think its great you already told her that you won't be MOH at her PPD.  I don't think there is much else you can say.
  • mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks @oliveoilsmom

    I'm sure the best is yet to come with her fb friends and fam validating all these bad ideas. She ended our conversation with "I expected you to be supportive, I don't want to feel uncomfortable planning my WEDDINGS," I'm just going to stay out of the whole planning process. I've given her my budget for my dress so nothing left for me to say. I just hope she stresses herself out to the max so she's deterred from putting herself through it again. 
  • So, is the PPD in the church? And the one now isn't? And it's a destination wedding.

    I guess this is my other problem with PPDs. When does it become enough? It rained on my wedding day, I deserved a PPD. Oh we couldn't afford the ring I wanted, another PPD. It's just a never ending cycle.

    I wouldn't be surprised if she asked you to "step down" at one point OP.
  • mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @misshart00 The destination wedding will be next spring at a Christian ceremony because she "grew up Christian". The PPD two years later will be in the Catholic church because she will eventually be converting to Catholicism. 

    I just find it extremely offensive that she's using the Catholic church as an excuse. 

    I actually wouldn't be surprised if she kicked me out of her bridal party. I bet she'd just replace me anyway. 
  • I'm confused. Is the Catholic ceremony supposed to be the PPD after they have the civil ceremony? If so, you should let her know that being married outside of the Catholic Church can put you out of communion with the church. That means their marriage would not be recognized by the church. They cannot receive sacraments. And, most importantly, they would have to convince a priest to perform a convalidation to make their marriage official in the eyes of the church. It varies by diocese and parish, but most priests I know are not keen on convalidating civil marriages for reasons like "we just didn't want to wait." If a church wedding is important to her, she better slow her roll.

    CN: civil marriages for convenience are frowned on by the Catholic Church and may result in a priest refusing to convalidate their marriage as a PPD

    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
  • mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @mellowmarshmallow, Yes the PPD is the Catholic ceremony. She is now saying it will be her "Convalidation ceremony" only to justify her stupid plans. 

    Believe me; I've told her all about the Catholic requirements and how "we didn't want to wait because we love each other" is not a valid reason why you forego the Church's teachings. 
  • Since she is converting, she would be receiving all her sacraments when she does convert.  So maybe she will be easily granted a convalidation.  Having said that, I don't think most priests will allow her to have the big blow out "wedding" she is hoping for.  
  • I'm curious why she's planning on converting in 2 years. Why wait if she's going to do it anyway?
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • If her FI is already Catholic, I don't think it would be any easier for them to get a convalidation.  And even if they are granted one, they're not supposed to be big blow out things.  

    P
    lease just tell me that  PPD's are not going to be the next wedding thing to be blamed on the Catholic Church.  Gaps are more than enough.
  • I think several Knotties have mentioned that their parishes now include references to marriage prep and appropriate reasons for a convalidation in their weekly bulletins.

    If you want to leave the church and have a secular wedding then do it. Don't try to attempt to change protocol that's been in place for 2000 years. The church isn't keen on those playing the special snowflake card.
  • I know people have a lot of other qualities besides the ones we see when they start planning weddings, but with that being said: my first response to this was, "Why are you even friends with this person?"
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Good points. All of them;

    I am a practicing Catholic and find all of this very offensive. I'm taking a step back and not getting involved in all this planning. I don't feel she'll be converting for the right reasons. 
  • Becoming a Catholic isn't just a matter of saying, "I want to do this." Most parishes have a process of instruction and formation that culminates in persons being fully initiated at the Easter Vigil or thereabouts. For someone with no religious background or formation (never went to church anywhere), the process can take two years. For most people with some Christian upbringing or practice, it can take a year. So part of this bride's "scheduling" is not in her hands.

    Apart from that, sounds weird all the way around.
  • I just had to go to the PPD of my boyfriend's very close friend. He and his wife had a ciivl ceremony a year and a half ago and just had a full Catholic wedding in May (yes, a full catholic wedding even though they were already married *sigh*). It was ridiculous but I went because I love my BF and this was a close friend of his. 
  • Interesting. It sounds like she is still having a Christian wedding now (right, OP?) and then going through the process of converting and then having another Catholic wedding later. I had a PPD, so I'm not judging, although my PPD was on the same day as my civil ceremony. 2 years is a lot of time!
  • Several years ago we had a bride who planned this exact thing.  Her priest refused permission.  She came back crying for sympathy (She didn't get any.) and decided not to convert after all.  She had a PPD anyway.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • This situation is mind-numbing. My DH is not Catholic, but we still got married in the Church. What's her reason for not getting married THEN converting in a few years? I don't know that I really want the answer to that question since it would probably only make me more surly! Curiosity gets the better of me sometimes.
    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
  • mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Seriously, I've asked her all these questions. The answer is the same they just love each other so much that they want to be married NOW. which still doesn't make sense because they're planning it for NEXT spring. Then the PPD in 2017. She's just looking for an excuse to have a PPD. I already told her she doesn't even have to convert to have a Catholic ceremony. Our parish would even allow them to go ahead with the ceremony BEFORE finishing RCIA. as long as their registered and have completed their other Sacraments; he'll celebrate the Mass but they don't want to wait to save money for one "big" wedding. I don't know how they have the energy to plan all that.
  • I'm a practicing Catholic as well.  I, too am offended and annoyed by what she is trying to pull, but sometimes you have to have faith in maturity.  After living "real" life for 2 years, there is a good chance she'll have bigger priorities than her PPD anyway.

    You made your point and, frankly, the Church will make its point when the time comes.  Be her MOH at her destination wedding and prepare to hold her hand when real life sets in.

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