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Mollyveeeee · July 2014

Clearly I was wrong, thanks all for helping me sort it out.

JaxInBlue · July 2014

I understand that you have a lot of family and friends but people in relationships are not plus ones. Plus ones are options for truly single guests to bring a date for the evening. The friends you describe are in relationships and have significant others. Regardless of whether or not they are living together, have been together for a year or not, or whether you or your FI have met them, they need to be invited.

Apologize for your oversight and extend your friends' SOs an invite by name. If you can't because you are at or over your venue capacity, be prepared for your friends to decline and possibly for their relationships with you to cool.

manateehugger · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

I have a few friends whom I was close with in college who have been invited to the wedding.

All of them are in relationships, but they do not live together and have not been together longer than a year, and I have never met their SO's. We have a huge family and cannot incorporate everyone's plus ones, only our wedding party is getting that advantage.

We have written just their names on the invitation, but I'm afraid it will come back with other names attached. HELP!

You are being incredibly rude. You must invite everyone's significant others. Do not invite these friends at all if you are not inviting their partners.

The not engaged, and not living together rule is utter bullshit. My H and I were together for four years before we got engaged and over five before we lived together. Telling me that doesn't merit acknowledgement of our relationship is incredibly insulting.

Invite all couples or don't invite them at all. Period.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

That's a tough call, I think you have to look at how long they have been with their SO at the time you send out your invites. If they have been dating that person for say only 4-5 weeks, you can probably safely get away with not inviting their SO. But if at the time you send out the invites they have been with their SO for a few months or more, then you should be really inviting their SO based on equiette.

However, you said you have written just their names on the invites which leads me to believe the invites are already out so the above won't make different. So when they send their RSVP with their SO listed or call you about it, the only thing you can do is go "I'm so sorry, bride brain, I forgot to include them, they are invited & I can't wait to see them" or be honest & say that you couldn't afford to do the +1 and let the cards fall where they may. Be prepared that some of those friends may decline if their SO isn't invited.

mysticl · July 2014

Etiquette requires that you invite all SO regardless of if they live together, if you've met them, or how long they've been together. So if you have already sent the invites you need to call your friends, apologize for the oversight and let them know that of course their SOs are invited.

banana468 · July 2014

You're being really rude here. If your college friend only invited you and not your FI/husband would you let such a BS excuse fly?

You have a window of opportunity to fix this blunder now. Call up your friends and apologize for your egregious mistake now. That is assuming you'd like to consider these people friends after the wedding of course.

Mollyveeeee · July 2014

Odd, when I was dating my SO I was invited to many weddings without him regardless that we lived together or had been dating for years because we were not married and he without me, for the same reasons. A lot of couples cant afford the luxury anymore.

This mainly applies to one person whom her and her bf continuously break up and get back together, they have been like this for less than a year.

The other two invites that were sent are people that literally began relationships as the invitations were sent out.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

I have a few friends whom I was close with in college who have been invited to the wedding.

All of them are in relationships, but they do not live together and have not been together longer than a year, and I have never met their SO's. We have a huge family and cannot incorporate everyone's plus ones, only our wedding party is getting that advantage.

We have written just their names on the invitation, but I'm afraid it will come back with other names attached. HELP!

And then

Mollyveeeee said:

Odd, when I was dating my SO I was invited to many weddings without him regardless that we lived together or had been dating for years because we were not married and he without me, for the same reasons. A lot of couples cant afford the luxury anymore.

This mainly applies to one person whom her and her bf continuously break up and get back together, they have been like this for less than a year.

The other two invites that were sent are people that literally began relationships as the invitations were sent out.

So which is it? You seem to contradict yourself in this second post, seemingly once you saw that responses were not in your favor.

You are 100% in the wrong here. I had both of these situations - a couple that kept breaking up and a couple that had been dating for 1 month. Guess what - they are invited with their SOs because it's the right thing to do. You are being extremely rude to your guests.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Proper etiquette is to invite people with their SO.

1) If you know their SO's name, print it on the invite (i.e. don't just put "and guest").

2) If you don't know their SO's name, call them up and say "Hi Emily - I know you're dating someone, but I'm looking to address my invites and I'm wondering if you could provide your SO's name"

3) If you don't know if they're dating someone, you could say "Hi Emily, I'm getting ready to address invitations and want to make sure I include your boyfriend/girlfriend if you have one. Are you seeing someone right now?

The point is that it's against etiquette for you to determine whether their relationship is "serious" by applying arbitrary "rules" (e.g. only married couples, engaged couples, only couples living together, only couples who have been together 3 months or more, etc.).

AddieCake · July 2014

If you can't afford to include the SOs of your guests, then you should have scaled back your guest list and not invited either half of the couple or scaled back elsewhere. Not inviting SOs is terribly rude. Frankly, I find it to be the worst offense you could make as a host.

manateehugger · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Odd, when I was dating my SO I was invited to many weddings without him regardless that we lived together or had been dating for years because we were not married and he without me, for the same reasons. A lot of couples cant afford the luxury anymore.

This mainly applies to one person whom her and her bf continuously break up and get back together, they have been like this for less than a year.

The other two invites that were sent are people that literally began relationships as the invitations were sent out.

Then you know a lot of rude people. If they cannot afford the "luxury" of not being a crappy host, they should be rethinking their wedding plans.

If people were not together when you sent out invitations, you do not have to invite them. If the on and off couple is on, invite them.

Honestly, will 2-3 extra plates really break your wedding budget?

mysticl · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Odd, when I was dating my SO I was invited to many weddings without him regardless that we lived together or had been dating for years because we were not married and he without me, for the same reasons. A lot of couples cant afford the luxury anymore.

This mainly applies to one person whom her and her bf continuously break up and get back together, they have been like this for less than a year.

The other two invites that were sent are people that literally began relationships as the invitations were sent out.

Then you were treated very rudely. Proper manners are not a luxury. If you cannot afford to invite SOs then you either don't invite either member of the couple or you cut back somewhere else.

lyndausvi · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Odd, when I was dating my SO I was invited to many weddings without him regardless that we lived together or had been dating for years because we were not married and he without me, for the same reasons. A lot of couples cant afford the luxury anymore.

This mainly applies to one person whom her and her bf continuously break up and get back together, they have been like this for less than a year.

The other two invites that were sent are people that literally began relationships as the invitations were sent out.

Bull shit.

A good planner will make up a guest list with SO's. Then they find a venue they can afford based on that number. If you have to cut the list then you cut the whole couple/group not half of a couple/group.

It's not that hard of a concept. Sure it sucks sometimes, but making hard choices is part of life.

RissAnn1970 · July 2014

A year? I was engaged in under 4 months & married precisely one year from when we MET. We were serious fast & had you excluded him, you wouldn't have me either.

denisemod · July 2014

It's not a luxury to invite SO's to your wedding!! Plus ones perhaps but not SO's. SO's should be figured into your initial count. If the # grows to high for you than cross some couples off your list.

Any other way is incredibly rude. If you did it to me I would decline ASAP. In addition I would be upset at the notion of you judging the validity of my relationship.

Not to mention...you say these are college friends. Are any of them traveling into town to attend? Do you expect them to do so alone? Again, that's incredibly rude.

If you don't care enough about them to invite their SO's, why should they care about you or your wedding?

bethsmiles · July 2014

There are a lot of etiquette faux pas that I would side-eye but then move on. But not inviting my SO for any reason will absolutely make me rethink our friendship. You don't get to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship. If you can't afford to invite their SOs then make cuts to your guest list or somewhere else in your budget. Don't be incredibly rude to your friends.

Mollyveeeee · July 2014

Sorry didnt mean to contradict, just didnt know if everyone wanted innate details.

Its very interesting as I've been invited to many like that, but the rest of the world has not. But then again a lot of my friends got married young and without help from family, so that may be why.

lyndausvi · July 2014

RissAnn1970 said:

A year? I was engaged in under 4 months & married precisely one year from when we MET. We were serious fast & had you excluded him, you wouldn't have me either.

Yeah, we were talking marriage a few days into our relationship. MIL flew down one of her diamonds at 2 months into the relationship. I started designing my own ring at 4 months. We didn't started telling people about our engagement until 7 months in.

DH had just signed a lease when we started dating and I owned my own place so we didn't move in together until a year into our relationship.

There are a lot of people who are against moving in together. Not my cup of tea, but I respect those who think that way. I think it's pretty shitty to say those of use who choose to live together are some how more committed than those who choose to wait until marriage.

I think it's ridiculous to play the "are they serious game?" Much easier to assume since we all become serious in very different time frames. Just because publicly its not obvious doesn't mean they are not indeed serious.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Sorry didnt mean to contradict, just didnt know if everyone wanted innate details.

Its very interesting as I've been invited to many like that, but the rest of the world has not. But then again a lot of my friends got married young and without help from family, so that may be why.

Whenever this happens it's very rude and one of the worst etiquette faux pas. Reason being - you're asking someone to come and celebrate your relationship while not respecting theirs.

It sounds like this is just typical in your circle, so you figured it was ok. I hope you make the right choice as you firm up your guest list. Good luck!

manateehugger · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Sorry didnt mean to contradict, just didnt know if everyone wanted innate details.

Its very interesting as I've been invited to many like that, but the rest of the world has not. But then again a lot of my friends got married young and without help from family, so that may be why.

Not trying to poke at you, but I think this is a terrible excuse. I think it's about expectations and priorities. You either lower your expectations to make your friends your priority, or you keep your high expectations and prioritize the details you want over a larger guest list.

Either way, you don't tell people their relationships matter less than your wedding (you know, the event that you host to celebrate YOUR relationship).

Mollyveeeee · July 2014

My friends are a priority, these are the outside few that also requested invitations from mutual people close to me and do not speak to most of my close friends anymore.

These were just the fray that I had no idea what to do. Thanks.

Also, I was not offended when some of my friends did that because it was known that they were unable to host, and that I was there to support their relationship and ours as friends.

Mollyveeeee · July 2014

If anyone wants the major details about how these people came to be, you can contact me directly, because its just a lot of old college drama that was brought to my attention when firming up my guest list.

slothiegal · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

If anyone wants the major details about how these people came to be, you can contact me directly, because its just a lot of old college drama that was brought to my attention when firming up my guest list.

SIB

The only detail that people are concerned about is that it is rude to not invite SOs, which means the answer to your question is, "there is not a polite way to do it". End of story.

ShallowSeas · July 2014

It's not your job to judge another persons' relationship. So what if they have only been together a few weeks or a few months? Or if they aren't living together or engaged? It doesn't make their relationship any less valid. Anyone in a relationship should invited to bring their SO, regardless of the length of their relationship, relationship status, or living arrangements. That's not for you to decide.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

My friends are a priority, these are the outside few that also requested invitations from mutual people close to me and do not speak to most of my close friends anymore.

These were just the fray that I had no idea what to do. Thanks.

Also, I was not offended when some of my friends did that because it was known that they were unable to host, and that I was there to support their relationship and ours as friends.

You posted on the etiquette board, presumably to get advice on proper etiquette. You got it. If you decide to exclude SOs knowing it's bad etiquette, that's worse than ignorantly doing it.

Just because you were not offended doesn't mean others aren't. It's pretty clear they are very much offended if you read the responses. Unless you are a sourcerer and have mind reading powers, you cannot say with certainty that every last one of your guests will think like you do.

Mollyveeeee said:

If anyone wants the major details about how these people came to be, you can contact me directly, because its just a lot of old college drama that was brought to my attention when firming up my guest list.

How you acquired these friends and how your friends acquired their SOs is absolutely irrelevant.

lyndausvi · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

My friends are a priority, these are the outside few that also requested invitations from mutual people close to me and do not speak to most of my close friends anymore.

These were just the fray that I had no idea what to do. Thanks.

Also, I was not offended when some of my friends did that because it was known that they were unable to host, and that I was there to support their relationship and ours as friends.

*** STUCK IN THE BOX ***

That's great. I'm not offended when my DH farts, but I know many who are.

That is the point of etiquette. Even if you might not be offended, it is something a lot of people are offended over, so error on the side of caution and do the right thing. Even if they do not tell you to you personally.

Mollyveeeee · July 2014

Thanks Southernbelle, I didn't say I was leaving them off. They will be welcomed with open arms, just wanted to get the correct etiquette without being skewered, which is apparently impossible on this site.

So please, I came here to ask a question, not knowing and your rudeness is clearly almost to my level.

Your opinion on how I met these people is as irrelevant as my own comment which I made in order to clear up any questions as to why I said "friends" because people dont care to know the nitty gritty, which is fine by me.

manateehugger · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Thanks Southernbelle, I didn't say I was leaving them off. They will be welcomed with open arms, just wanted to get the correct etiquette without being skewered, which is apparently impossible on this site.

So please, I came here to ask a question, not knowing and your rudeness is clearly almost to my level.

Your opinion on how I met these people is as irrelevant as my own comment which I made in order to clear up any questions as to why I said "friends" because people dont care to know the nitty gritty, which is fine by me.

Because the nitty gritty doesn't matter. Etiquette isn't a subjective thing.

Who skewered you?

Viczaesar · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Thanks Southernbelle, I didn't say I was leaving them off. They will be welcomed with open arms, just wanted to get the correct etiquette without being skewered, which is apparently impossible on this site.

So please, I came here to ask a question, not knowing and your rudeness is clearly almost to my level.

Your opinion on how I met these people is as irrelevant as my own comment which I made in order to clear up any questions as to why I said "friends" because people dont care to know the nitty gritty, which is fine by me.

Nope. Not even close.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Where were you skewered?

mysticl · July 2014

Mollyveeeee said:

Thanks Southernbelle, I didn't say I was leaving them off. They will be welcomed with open arms, just wanted to get the correct etiquette without being skewered, which is apparently impossible on this site.

So please, I came here to ask a question, not knowing and your rudeness is clearly almost to my level.

Your opinion on how I met these people is as irrelevant as my own comment which I made in order to clear up any questions as to why I said "friends" because people dont care to know the nitty gritty, which is fine by me.

You were given the proper etiquette over and over and over again.

If they aren't friends or family then I have no idea why they are even on your guest list but that doesn't matter at this point because they have been invited. Therefore you must treat them appropriately.

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