Grief. How to help?

lkristenj · July 2014

My friend (who frequently frustrates me, but who I love to death) lost her baby this weekend. She went into the ER early early on Saturday morning and I took care of her dog all day on Saturday while getting brief updates. She said it was preterm labor (she was about 21 weeks and had recently found out it was a girl). Then she told me that they would deliver that day. Then came the update at about 1 PM that they could no longer find a heartbeat. Then, when I checked back with them, her husband told me that she had delivered at 4:11 and that she was stillborn. They kept my friend overnight for observation and she didn't get home until about 7 PM on Sunday.

I feel so sad and I know she must feel worse. She had asked me to be the godmother of this baby. It was her first. She has all sorts of medical problems and was surprised that she even got pregnant. She was calling this her miracle baby. I know that she wasn't thrilled to be pregnant at first, but I also know that she loved that baby more than I could ever understand.

My friend hates to cry and be emotional. She tucks her feelings into a little box in her heart and seldom lets them out. I know she's hating that she's crying all the time. She doesn't open up to many and I'm so glad she let me in with this. I think I'm the only one (and my FI) besides her family that knows. I want to help her and support her so much, but I don't really know how. I want to respect her needs for space and quiet, but also let her know that I'm there. FI and I have given her and her H an open invitation for dinner out or dinner in at any time they feel ready. But still I want to do more. She would say I've done enough by caring for her animals while she was in the hospital, but I don't feel like it could ever be enough.

Do any of you have advice on how to help a grieving friend? I know everyone is different and I plan to listen to her cues. I just want to be there for her.

Edited because TK ate my paragraphs.

Inkdancer · July 2014

You've let her know that you're available, and that's enough. If she's not normally an emotionally demonstrative person, she won't want to be constantly asked how she's doing. Just be quiet support. You're doing fine.

mysticl · July 2014

Be there. Listen to her. Let her cry. Resist the urge to say "it will be ok". Acknowledge her loss. Because of the circumstances some people aren't going to see this as the same as her baby dying.

More concretely take them dinner (either home cooked or take out from their favorite place), offer to pick up groceries, offer to help with the housework, take care of the dog some more. If they already have baby stuff she may decide to put it away for the next baby or she may decide to get rid of it. When she makes that decision offer to help with whatever she decides.

ETA: you may want to make the offers in the form of "hey, I'm going to the store, what can I pick up for you?" and then when you drop it off ask if she would like it if you vacuumed while she took a shower or did the dishes while she tried to get some sleep.

blabla89 · July 2014

I'm so sorry to hear that. You can offer specific, practical things to support her, like watching her dog, bringing over dinner, or running errands. Things like that are a huge relief, especially to people who don't "just want someone to talk to" about their feelings. She'll appreciate you being there for her.

lkristenj · July 2014

She has told me that she's "not doing great", which for her is a big deal. Even in dire circumstances, she tends to put on a brave face and say she's "fine" even when I know she's not. So for her to admit that she's not okay to me is significant.

When they were in the hospital, I offered to bring food, blankets, a change of clothes, anything. But they refused it all. Her husband offered to let us visit, but said that she was being very passive and indifferent about things. I decided that if she didn't say she wanted us there, it would probably be best to give her space.

She's home now and their schedules (as far as I know) have gone back to normal. She wasn't working already and her husband can't miss much work. I worry about her being alone right now.

I will make a more concrete meal offer. I left it open because I don't know when she'll be ready to see people, even if it is just me and FI. I don't know what to cook for them that's gluten free and healthy. FI and I mostly eat pasta and other carbs (because we're carboholics). I will have to think of something.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry to hear this.

I'd just keep offering to help with the little things - laundry, cleaning, caring for the dog. I'd make sure they have food too.

LabLove86 · July 2014

As someone being on the grieving end (not with the loss of a child, but family member) you don't necessarily want to admit that you want or need help.

I think her knowing that you're there for her will help her more than you realize.

When I have had friends that are grieving for whatever reason - I'll make a meal or 2, and just bring it over. I always make sure its something that is easily frozen and thawed/re-heated. Those crock-pot freezer meals generally work out well - because the prep is so small even with those, and if they have enough food for now - then can just freeze the bags.

I'm so sorry they're going through this - but I'm glad they have friends like you who will support them in this tough time.

blabla89 · July 2014

lkristenj said:

She has told me that she's "not doing great", which for her is a big deal. Even in dire circumstances, she tends to put on a brave face and say she's "fine" even when I know she's not. So for her to admit that she's not okay to me is significant.
When they were in the hospital, I offered to bring food, blankets, a change of clothes, anything. But they refused it all. Her husband offered to let us visit, but said that she was being very passive and indifferent about things. I decided that if she didn't say she wanted us there, it would probably be best to give her space.
She's home now and their schedules (as far as I know) have gone back to normal. She wasn't working already and her husband can't miss much work. I worry about her being alone right now.
I will make a more concrete meal offer. I left it open because I don't know when she'll be ready to see people, even if it is just me and FI. I don't know what to cook for them that's gluten free and healthy. FI and I mostly eat pasta and other carbs (because we're carboholics). I will have to think of something.

Stuffed bell peppers are good because they're easy to pack, plus they freeze and reheat well. But there's plenty of other stuff you can make - meat, veggies, salad, etc.

lkristenj · July 2014

Thanks, @blabla89. I suck at food stuff.

mysticl · July 2014

If you look at Friday's recipe thread I posted one for Crock Pot chicken tacos. It's gluten free as long as you use the right taco seasoning ( I think McCormicks makes a gluten free one). You can pair it with corn tortillas or corn chips for taco salad. It heats up beautifully in the microwave.

You could also cut up some fruits and veggies so she has stuff to snack on during the day. People are much more likely to eat it if it's cut already.

lkristenj · July 2014

Thanks, @mysticl. I don't know if we've ever used our crock pot for anything. I know that my friend doesn't have one of her own.

My problem is that I don't like many foods, so I have a hard time thinking about stuff that's outside of my little food bubble.

I think I will go to the grocery store this evening and take her some healthy fruits and veggies and some simple packaged foods that won't spoil. Their place is a mess because she was having a difficult pregnancy (extended morning sickness) and her H was doing all the housework in addition to his full-time job, so some things have certainly been neglected. I may offer to do some laundry at my place too. Maybe invite her over for a movie and laundry night? I have a full W/D unit in mine, but they don't. We live in the same apartment complex.

loveislouder · July 2014

My sister lost a baby a while back, and I remember asking her what she needed, and she would say "I need my baby back." With her it was better to tell what she needed. Sister, you need to eat now, I'm coming by with food. Sister, you need a shower, I'll do the dishes. It depends on her personality but that's what worked best on our end.

lkristenj · July 2014

She just texted me that she just got back home from the mortuary. She's very drained.

I just want to hug her and cry with her. Instead, I'm here at work desperately trying to actually DO something today.

sarahufl · July 2014

My sister lost 2 babies, back to back. Both at 12 weeks, so earlier than your friend. She said the WORST thing anyone could do was to tell her things would get better and she would eventually get pregnant again. She (thankfully) did get pregnant again, but at the time she was very lost and sad. Having people tell her that it would be ok and she would get her baby offered her zero comfort because nobody knows what may happen. All I could do with her was send food/flowers. I stayed home from work one day so she could call me (plus, I was honestly too upset to focus as well). Another thing, for down the road, is to not forget this baby. Acknowledge that she did have a baby and she did lose the baby. Try to remember to be sensitive to anniversaries and if she is able to get pregnant again, remember she will be very nervous. With my sister, her successful pregnancy was very hard on all of us because we were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But any time she had an appointment, we made a note to call or email and wish her luck and check in afterward. On the anniversary of her first due date, I sent flowers because I wanted her to know I remembered that I was supposed to get a niece/nephew and that I had not forgotten. Pregnancy loss is a weird beast that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Mostly just try to be sensitive.

lkristenj · July 2014

Her due date was 5 days after the wedding on November 13th. I'm sure it will be a difficult time for her, since she had been adamant about attending the wedding even so close to her due date. Now, that won't be an issue, and I'm sure it will be hard for her to celebrate with me. It's not about me at all. I just don't want to cause her any additional pain and hope that our wedding won't be a bad reminder of what she would have been going through, had this not happened. I'm trying to be as sensitive as I can. The last thing I want to do is make little of her loss.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

My BFF lost a baby a few years ago, at around the same timeframe. It is a very tough time for all involved, especially the parents and grandparents. While my friend was in the hospital, I bought her & her H some ready to eat meals from the grocery store. In addition I bought some other items that could be snacked on. I had a key, so I placed the meals in the fridge and left the rest of the bag on the counter. I sent her H a text about the food, so he knew it was there for when they went home.

As for being there for my friend, she found great comfort in finding an online support group of other women who lost their babys to the same condition. So maybe urge your friend to lurk on a support group. You say she is not one to spill her feelings, but maybe having the anonymity of the internet will help her find a voice to others who have been through the same thing. My friend had said later, the reason she did that, was not because we were not supportive of her, but because she wanted to speak with people who literally went through it before. I think her H also found a similar online group for fathers.

The other thing I told my friend is that I would be there for her for anything. If she wanted to speak about the baby, I would be there. But also, if she wanted to speak about everything but the baby, I would be there too with a thousand topics to talk about.

One night, I did go over a few days after she came home from the hospital. Her H had to go our somewhere, so she wanted me to just come by and keep her company. She was still, I don't know the right terminology, but her milk was still drying up. Her boobs were painful and its recommended that she put cabbage leaves around them, something about the enzymes in cabbage helps keep the swelling and pain down. But I made a joke about the cabbage and she just laughed so hard and ended with an "I needed that!" So also remember that sometimes humor can help a person feel better too, even if for a moment.

Based on your follow ups, I would try to go over there to just do some cleaning.

wandajune6 · July 2014

My sister miscarried at 16 weeks but had a D & C instead of labor. She just wanted to check out after that. She wasn't hungry but would eat mindlessly if you put food in front of her. It happened right as I finished my internship so I spent the next 10 days on the couch with her, watching season after season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We just sat without talking. Her husband had to work (new job) so I got her into the shower most days, had groceries delivered, fed her, and sat there.

I arranged to be with her for a month- and we were both ready for me to be gone at 3.5 weeks. She was fine to go back to work after 2, and able to stop crying after a month. She likely would have been out of commission a lot longer if I wasn't around those last 2 weeks, taking care of her at night and occasionally driving her to/from work. When that phase was over, she rushed out to find new hobbies and distractions. It helped.

We have (almost always) had a good relationship (outside of wedding stuff) and she's still not able to talk to me about it, beyond mentioning her fear during her second pregnancy. And that's ok. As I understand it, all of her upset about it went away after her daughter was born 2 years ago.

She'll be ok, even if she doesn't know it now. And sometimes just being there and putting the bowl and spoon in front of her is more than enough.

lkristenj · July 2014

She's announced it on facebook now, to all the rest of her friends. At least it's somewhat of a relief to know that she's sharing it and now I don't feel like I have to carry on the burden of being one of a handful who knew. I can freely talk to others about why I'm so sad without feeling like I'm disrespecting her privacy. It was very strong and brave of her to share like that, but she's always shared so much on facebook.

She also shared a photo of her tiny footprints and her name, which she and her H were keeping private. Crying all over again.

ohannabelle · July 2014

lkristenj said:

She just texted me that she just got back home from the mortuary. She's very drained.
I just want to hug her and cry with her. Instead, I'm here at work desperately trying to actually DO something today.

This. This is the most important thing you can do. Letting her know that you love her, and you're there.

This is the terrible thing about death. It can't be fixed, it can't be made better.

There are practical things, yes. When a parent loses a child, they are in shock and distraught. Their brains are on autopilot, and silly things like doing the dishes, or walking the dogs, or going grocery shopping, or taking out the trash are suddenly huge and enormous tasks that you can't even focus on long enough to complete.

I have a friend that used to drop by almost every night after I lost my son. As weird as it sounds now, she'd give me a head rub, and brush my hair. It sounds so odd now, but I can't describe how much it meant, how soothing it was. For a few minutes of every day, it was the only time that I could just close me eyes and not think about anything but the feeling of my head being stroked. Just a few minutes where I felt something that wasn't pain.

Listen, but don't try to offer advice or inspiration. People mean well, and say terrible things. They say, oh, you'll have other children, ( in my case, people said oh, you still have two, that must help. Well, no. It doesn't help that one is lost to me. They aren't car keys, for crying out loud.) People say things about angels in heaven and time healing wounds, and he's with whatever relative now, and you'll get over this ( not a head cold, thanks,) and all manner of well meant things that don't help.

Listen, listen, listen, and say, I love you and I'm so sorry you hurt.

Especially, be there after the initial ruckus has died down,and everyone else has moved on and gone back to normal life. There are a lot of people who can't handle being around this degree of pain, and after the cards have been sent and the services are over, the rest of the world moves on, and your friend may feel very alone, and still suffering.

The loss of a child is a very isolating experience. In the future, she may need a group like Compassionate Friends, where she can be near other people who have had similar experiences. It can be a tremendous help, after life has unjustly and suddenly beaten you with a two by four, and you feel like everyone else in the world is just great, just to know that you're not the only one.

She has a long, terrible road to walk until she reaches something like normal again. You're a good friend to be there while she does it. Be more patient than you can imagine, and listen. Did I also say listen? And listening. Because many many people are uncomfortable hearing pain. So, yes. Listening. Number one thing in my experience.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

You put that so well, @ohannabelle‌ Be there and listen. Hug and cry.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

PPs have great advice and I don't have much to offer. Just want to say your friend and her family are in my thoughts.

lkristenj · July 2014

Thank you everyone for your advice.

@ohannabelle - I'm sorry for your loss also. Thank you for your words. FI has been trying to come up with positives, much like the ones you mention not to say. I guess I instinctively knew that she didn't need to hear those things and I told him not to say them when we visit. It is fine between us, but he shouldn't say them to her. I think he's trying to cheer me up a bit too.

I reached out to her and told her that I wanted to see her and be with her if it was okay. I don't expect anything from her. She doesn't even have to put on clothes. I just want to see her. And I think it's important that I come out and say that I WANT to see her. I know many like time to be alone, but I'm afraid that she'll be alone too much very soon and that she needs someone. I don't want her to shut everyone out and struggle. So, I thought to give her a little push. If she said "No, I don't want to see anyone", I would have accepted that. But, she didn't. She said that she was going to take a nap and that maybe we could go over last night, but she never got back to me, so I left it alone. Later, right before we went to bed, she texted that she and her H were free tonight if we wanted to stop by. So, FI and I are going over there tonight. It will probably be awkward for FI. He doesn't think that she's a good friend to me sometimes and some of her choices really bother him. But, we've been best friends for 13 years and have always been there for each other. Hopefully, he can get to know her H a bit and offer support to him. l don't need her to say anything. I just want to be there with her.

It's hard when you know a friend is hurting so much. I wish I could take away her pain, but I can't. Nothing can fix this problem. Death is permanent. I found a website called Glow in the Woods has helped me and I think would help her as well. I guess all I can do is be her friend, listen, and love her no matter what.

I think that food is a good idea too and I'd appreciate suggestions for healthy gluten free options. I just know that neither of them will feel like cooking and will just eat fast food for every meal. It's something she would appreciate very much.

Thank you to everyone who shared their ideas and offered encouragement. It means a lot.

atlastmrsg · July 2014

I had something very traumatic happen to me. Afterwards, I cried a lot. Pretty much all the time for 4-5 days. Almost immediately, I had counseling, lawyer appointments, etc. to go to, which just fueled the crying. My friends checked in, but mostly let me be. Once that first phase of being completely demolished inside subsided, mostly due to exhaustion, I started on a sad-empty phase. The best friends I had let me be sad--they didn't ask "are you ok" 10x per day. But they scheduled things. I'd get a call/text that said "Going to lunch at XYZ place today. See you at 12:30!" Part of me felt like I had to go, bc otherwise I had to call and explain that I was too busy laying in bed, part of me didn't care. But the thing is, I usually ended up going. Granted, I was off work so I was just going to be at home crying/sleeping anyway, so at that point in time, I could go to lunch. My parents scheduled things, too--I'd just get a call "Hi, we're having steaks at 6:30. Let me know if you want potatoes or broccoli!" I also knew that my parents, who are pretty modest people, weren't buying steaks twice a week for themselves. While it was presumptuous for people to just pick times for me to be places, it really did help get me out. With an open offer, like "let's do lunch" or "call anytime to talk over coffee," I'd never have called and set a firm time. Bottom line: let her grieve for a bit. Then tell her to come along places, don't ask ambiguously. "I'm going to the mall and and a movie at 4:00. You'll like XYZ movie, I hear it's great! So I'll pick you up at 3:45!" If she doesn't take the bait, don't take it personally. It's not you. Even "I'm going to Target at 7:00. Come with me!" is good. Because Target is usually near froyo.

lkristenj · July 2014

We saw them last night.

She seemed surprisingly okay. We were going to go visit them, but didn't plan through the logistics of hauling a very hot, very heavy, dutch oven full of stew across the apartment complex. So, they agreed to come to us. We ate dinner, talked about mindless things, and then after everyone was done eating, my friend brought up her birth experience. She talked about it calmly and with only a slight quiver in her voice at times. She did not cry. She told me later that it felt good to talk about her without crying. She said that she doesn't mind talking about her, but only with people whom she loves and is very close to.

Her H managed to get the entire week off, so he will be there with her until next Monday. I'm relieved for that. They're coping by playing online video games together. She also said that spending time with animals is a relief and was happy to love on our three dogs.

We sent them home with a large Tupperware container of leftover stew. I think we're going to try to make the chicken tacos or something a little later this week. They did admit that they're living off of junk food and fast food, so it meant a lot that she had a hot, healthy meal. Real food. I'm glad we could do that for her.

She's having trouble with lactating and is quite uncomfortable. I feel bad for that. It's a painful and constant reminder for her.

I'm really glad I got to see her. It makes me feel better and I think it helped her too. We'll continue to make occasional meals and open our apartment (and later house) to them. I'll take lunches away from the office next week to help fill her time a little bit after her H goes back to work. It's such a sad thing, but it doesn't feel hopeless. Grief is an odd thing though, and I'll just continue to offer my support to her as her grief changes.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

You are being a great friend right now! You probably feel helpless, but know you are helping her just by listening! I would try to make some meals and send them over. Even if you make them a big fruit salad, that is better to pick at than fast food and junk food.

Also, tell her about the cabbage leaves, they really did help my friend! She used them again when she stopped BFing her son 2 years ago. Another friend knew about them too, when she stopped BFing her daughter.

lkristenj · July 2014

@OliveOilsMom - Thanks! I suggested them to her last night because I had been reading from that website I mentioned before. Her H chimed in and said he remembered reading about using cabbage leaves in one of his books also. I think she'll try it. Poor thing was wearing two compression bras and an ace bandage wrapped tightly around herself.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · July 2014

You are such a wonderful, supportive friend. Thinking of you and your friend during this heartbreaking time. She seems to be a very strong person with a wonderful support network.

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