Momzilla Emerging

Re: Momzilla Emerging

• LondonLisa member

  

  July 2014

  londonbride2015 said:

  My mom is one of my best friends. She is the first person I go to about a lot of things and we talk everyday. 

  
  

  My fiance and I have been dating for a long time, so wedding talks have been pretty abundant between me and my mom, which has already led to some disagreements about what my wedding should be like. I would prefer a very very small wedding, while she pretty much has a dream wedding, down to the centerpieces and music, planned in her head. 

  
  

  For me, the wedding isn't important, rather than the act. My only requirement for my wedding is that it's non-religious, everyone has fun, and I enjoy the process of planning a wedding. However, after the many talks with my mother, I know it's important for her to have the whole, traditional, big wedding. So, I've decided to have her idea of a wedding instead, mainly because I know what a big deal it is for her (and my dad) and because they're offering to pay.

  
  

  However, the momzilla in her is already beginning to emerge, despite me being as open and flexible about her ideas as possible. I realized that Ramadan is during the end of June/beginning of July next year (my fiance and his family are Muslim, so they would be fasting during this time) so I told my mom to think of dates, but it couldn't be during that time. Apparently, she had her heart set on a wedding at the end of June. And apparently, any other date in the summer just WON'T do for her.

  
  

  I asked her not to be upset and that it's just a date - we're still having the exact same wedding, just at another time. And while she has said she'll get over it, and hasn't made an issue out of that, she has been making issues out of other arrangements she already agreed on because deep down, she's upset about the change of date. 

  
  

  I knew she was just upset and being irrational about it, and stopped answering her texts until she calmed down, but this is only the beginning. I feel I am being very open minded about the whole thing and letting her have way more control than the average mother would for a wedding, so she should be a bit more flexible about all her ideas - no one ever has everything exactly as they imagined for a wedding, it just doesn't work out that way. She keeps saying that it's "up to me what I want and she'll just pay" but I know that's not the case, especially from reading discussion boards on here.

  
  

  I guess what I'm wondering is how to have a talk with her, without her taking it the wrong way. How can I nicely tell her that I want her involved 100% but I need her to be more compromising about things as issues arise, because they will, especially with our unique situation. I love my mother and do not mind having her vision of a wedding and really want her involved in the entire process, but she needs to be a little more understanding - it ultimately is mine and my fiance's day, so she should be able to compromise on things that we both need. 

  
  

  Any advice? 

  
  

  SIB

  They who pay have a say, so unfortunately, if they are paying, they do have a say. That being said, I am appalled that she would put what she has her "heart set on" before your fiance's religion. Ramadan is the Holiest time in the Muslim calendar, and if she cannot recognise that, I would seriously reconsider accepting any money from her to pay for the wedding. I think it is fair to say "Mum, this is like being married on Christmas or Easter, we cannot have a June wedding. You need to think of this from Fi's perspective". But that would really be able to be your only compromise. Everything else, as she is paying, she DOES get to dictate what she wants it to be. It is your and your fiance's day until you invite guests and throw a party. After that, whoever pays gets to dictate how it is. 

  
  

   If she and your father are paying, they do get to dictate the wedding. They have made it clear that their money comes with strings attached. Unfortunately, you cannot say to her "I still want you to pay but I want you to compromise". It doesn't work that way. 

  
  

  I think you and your fi should pay for this yourself, or just prepare yourselves that this will be her vision of the wedding without your input (other than the date- that is really the only thing I think you have a leg to stand on compromise-wise).

  
  

  
  

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• londonbride2015 member

  

  July 2014

  Thank you for your input, but your advice is a bit contradicting. You say that my mom should have the final say since she's paying, but then she's being unreasonable for being upset she can't schedule the wedding during Ramadan. 

  
  

  This is exactly the issue. I AM letting my mom have the final say since she is paying for it, but she IS being unreasonable being upset about the date that gets picked. It ultimately IS mine and my fiance's day so she NEEDS to be compromising if a date can't work because of him and his family. 

  
  

  I'm looking for a way to talk to her nicely, with no threats - no telling her we're not having a wedding the way she wants anymore - and just help her be a bit more compromising about issues that can arise, which always do when bringing together two different families. 

  
  

  I don't need to be told about how I either need to suck it up and let her have her way 100% or just pay for the wedding myself. I'm looking for advice from others who might have run into issues with their own mothers, or mother-in-laws, about how to tell nicely talk to them that their input is wanted but that they need to be more open to issues that are beyond everyone's control, and not stress me out or feel guilty about things that can't go 100% her way. 

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• RebeccaFlower member

  

  July 2014

  
  

  londonbride2015 said:

  Thank you for your input, but your advice is a bit contradicting. You say that my mom should have the final say since she's paying, but then she's being unreasonable for being upset she can't schedule the wedding during Ramadan. 

  
  

  This is exactly the issue. I AM letting my mom have the final say since she is paying for it, but she IS being unreasonable being upset about the date that gets picked. It ultimately IS mine and my fiance's day so she NEEDS to be compromising if a date can't work because of him and his family. 

  
  

  I'm looking for a way to talk to her nicely, with no threats - no telling her we're not having a wedding the way she wants anymore - and just help her be a bit more compromising about issues that can arise, which always do when bringing together two different families. 

  
  

  I don't need to be told about how I either need to suck it up and let her have her way 100% or just pay for the wedding myself. I'm looking for advice from others who might have run into issues with their own mothers, or mother-in-laws, about how to tell nicely talk to them that their input is wanted but that they need to be more open to issues that are beyond everyone's control, and not stress me out or feel guilty about things that can't go 100% her way. 

  Sweetheart, you already sold your soul to your mother in return for HER dream wedding. I can imagine this process is going to be very, very long and unenjoyable for you. You gave her control and she took it, I don't think there's any going back now and it doesn't sound like she particularly cares. Good luck with her trying to control everything in your life.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  July 2014

  If she pays, she gets a say. Period.

  
  

  If you want greater control, decline your mom's offer to host and pay for the wedding yourself. If you're ok with her having control over things like flowers and cake, let her pay for those items and have free reign. Everything else is your call...IF you pay for it.

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• schellzinator member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  I agree with the other girls. Prior to planning my wedding this past October - I made a lot of assumptions about money being offered to me from my parents.  However, after lurking on the Knot, I realized that my assumptions were based on the industry - not reality. Thanks to my lurking - I did not expect any money - and when my parents graciously offered to contribute, I made sure they were just as involved in the decision-making as we were. I honestly think that because of this, our wedding planning escapades were more fun and we all had the day that we imagined!

  
  

  From your posts - it sounds like you are looking for confirmation that accepting money and not ideas is OK.  If she is paying - she gets just as much say in the decision making. I think what @southernbelle0915 suggested is a very good idea. What you want control over completely - you pay for it.

  
  

  

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• beachyone15 member

  

  July 2014

  londonbride2015 said:

  Thank you for your input, but your advice is a bit contradicting. You say that my mom should have the final say since she's paying, but then she's being unreasonable for being upset she can't schedule the wedding during Ramadan. 

  
  

  This is exactly the issue. I AM letting my mom have the final say since she is paying for it, but she IS being unreasonable being upset about the date that gets picked. It ultimately IS mine and my fiance's day so she NEEDS to be compromising if a date can't work because of him and his family. 

  
  

  I'm looking for a way to talk to her nicely, with no threats - no telling her we're not having a wedding the way she wants anymore - and just help her be a bit more compromising about issues that can arise, which always do when bringing together two different families. 

  
  

  I don't need to be told about how I either need to suck it up and let her have her way 100% or just pay for the wedding myself. I'm looking for advice from others who might have run into issues with their own mothers, or mother-in-laws, about how to tell nicely talk to them that their input is wanted but that they need to be more open to issues that are beyond everyone's control, and not stress me out or feel guilty about things that can't go 100% her way. 

  Well, those are basically your options. The only other thing I could think of is to reserve certain aspects of the wedding that you are wanting a specific way and pay for those. Like if you paid 100% for the cake and music, your mom wouldn't get a say in those things. Although my greatest concern for you is the wedding date (and I have a feeling that the guest list may become an issue).
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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• MegEn1 member

  

  July 2014

  I think people need to be a bit more clear about the "He who pays, says" rule. The way I understand it, the person who pays gets a say - a big say. But they don't get the entire say. The bride and groom are the ones that will sign contracts with vendors, the bride and the groom are still more often than not going to be the hosts. So yes, the payer gets a say. But if my FMIL - who is footing the bill for about 40% of the wedding - were to say that she wanted the wedding on Christmas Eve because that's a perfect day for her and hers since they're all Jewish, I would put my foot down. If she wanted to pull all her funding, fine - but then she wouldn't get the big wedding with all the friends and family that she wants for us.

  
  

  Brides need to understand that the person who pays gets a big say. People who pay need to understand that they're offering money to help someone else's vision comes alive. BOTH SIDES NEED TO WORK TO MAKE IT WORK. The bride doesn't just get to throw up her hands and show up as a prop to her own wedding because she didn't pay, and the parents (or whoever is paying) can't expect to dictate everything they want just so. 

  
  

  If I were you, I'd push back with your mom. Especially since the big wedding is her vision. If this is such a big deal for her that she'll pull funding, fine. But I highly doubt she will if she really wants a grand wedding experience. After all, the wedding date isn't exactly a bill that you get, and since you can't pay for a date on the calendar it really shouldn't be that big of a fuss how you get a better date. 

  
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• LondonLisa member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  londonbride2015 said: Thank you for your input, but your advice is a bit contradicting. You say that my mom should have the final say since she's paying, but then she's being unreasonable for being upset she can't schedule the wedding during Ramadan. 
  This is exactly the issue. I AM letting my mom have the final say since she is paying for it, but she IS being unreasonable being upset about the date that gets picked. It ultimately IS mine and my fiance's day so she NEEDS to be compromising if a date can't work because of him and his family. 
  I'm looking for a way to talk to her nicely, with no threats - no telling her we're not having a wedding the way she wants anymore - and just help her be a bit more compromising about issues that can arise, which always do when bringing together two different families. 
  I don't need to be told about how I either need to suck it up and let her have her way 100% or just pay for the wedding myself. I'm looking for advice from others who might have run into issues with their own mothers, or mother-in-laws, about how to tell nicely talk to them that their input is wanted but that they need to be more open to issues that are beyond everyone's control, and not stress me out or feel guilty about things that can't go 100% her way. 
  ****STUCK IN A NON BOX**********************
  
  
  Just to clarify, your Mum does have the final say. The only thing that would be OK for you to ask your Mum is "We do not want to get married during Ramadan. How about June 13?" But that is pretty much the only thing you can ask her to compromise on. At the end of the day, you are asking her. If this is something that she is unwilling to budge on, then yes, it is rubbish that your mother isn't culturally sensitive, but the only thing you can do is pay for it yourself. 

  
  

  To the bolded- your parents don't NEED to do anything. A wedding is a gift. If your mother said "I want to bake you a cake as a gift", and you said " Thanks, I want chocolate" and your mother said "no, I prefer to make carrot cake." You wouldn't you turn to her and say "But I want chocolate! I want your input but you have to listen to me. It is MY cake. Why are you stressing me out or making me feel guilty that things have to go 100% your way?!". 

  
  

  Of course you wouldn't! You would either accept or decline the gift. If you really wanted chocolate cake, you would just buy it yourself. 

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  July 2014

  MegEn1 said:

  I think people need to be a bit more clear about the "He who pays, says" rule. The way I understand it, the person who pays gets a say - a big say. But they don't get the entire say. The bride and groom are the ones that will sign contracts with vendors, the bride and the groom are still more often than not going to be the hosts. So yes, the payer gets a say. But if my FMIL - who is footing the bill for about 40% of the wedding - were to say that she wanted the wedding on Christmas Eve because that's a perfect day for her and hers since they're all Jewish, I would put my foot down. If she wanted to pull all her funding, fine - but then she wouldn't get the big wedding with all the friends and family that she wants for us.

  
  

  Brides need to understand that the person who pays gets a big say. People who pay need to understand that they're offering money to help someone else's vision comes alive. BOTH SIDES NEED TO WORK TO MAKE IT WORK. The bride doesn't just get to throw up her hands and show up as a prop to her own wedding because she didn't pay, and the parents (or whoever is paying) can't expect to dictate everything they want just so. 

  
  

  If I were you, I'd push back with your mom. Especially since the big wedding is her vision. If this is such a big deal for her that she'll pull funding, fine. But I highly doubt she will if she really wants a grand wedding experience. After all, the wedding date isn't exactly a bill that you get, and since you can't pay for a date on the calendar it really shouldn't be that big of a fuss how you get a better date. 

  If someone says "I will buy you a brand new Buick Encore" and you say "nooooo, I want the brand new car, but I want a Cadillac ATS instead" I would consider that pretty darn rude and entitled. Who acts like that?

  
  

  The polite response is either "Thank you very much, I'll take the car" or "Oh, thank you for the offer, but I have to decline - I'm saving up for a Cadillac ATS."

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• tammym1001 member

  

  July 2014

  This is going to be long so sorry about that, but I swear there's advice in here for the OP:

  
  

  DH and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves except for our flowers. DH's step mom used to be a florist and she wanted to do our flowers as our wedding present. I would have preferred to just pay a florist (it was in our budget) and have everything the way that I wanted it. Like other pp's have said "she who pays gets a say". Unfortunately, that would have put an unnecessary amount of strain on my relationship with my SMIL. It would have been perceived as I didn't think she was good enough to do our flowers and it would have hurt her feelings.

  
  

  I told SMIL we would love to have her do our flowers and to let me know what she needed from me. The vision in my head was to have all ivory roses except my bouquet. I went to the wholesale florist with her and she was pulling out all these flowers I never heard of and in a huge variety of colors. It wasn't anything close to what I had envisioned. She told me I needed more colors for a spring wedding and that we didn't want it to look like we "cheaped out" on the flowers. Because she was doing it as a gift, I gave up my vision of all ivory roses and let her do what she wanted. My only stipulation was that I wanted to have certain roses in my bouquet and nothing else. She agreed to that and then went crazy with the flowers. It ended up looking absolutely gorgeous and it didn't matter one bit that it wasn't my vision. 

  
  

  So my advice: pick your battles very carefully. I understand sticking to your guns on the date because that is extremely important. Most of the stuff you are just going to have to let go though because she is paying. Pick out a few things that are really important to you and your FI and let her know why they're important for you to have and then let her get her way on the other stuff. Of course the other option is to decline her money, but I would imagine that would cause even more problems with your Mom since she is doing a very nice thing by paying for your wedding and you refusing would basically be a slap in the face to her.

  
  

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• MegEn1 member

  

  July 2014

  southernbelle0915 said:

  MegEn1 said:

  I think people need to be a bit more clear about the "He who pays, says" rule. The way I understand it, the person who pays gets a say - a big say. But they don't get the entire say. The bride and groom are the ones that will sign contracts with vendors, the bride and the groom are still more often than not going to be the hosts. So yes, the payer gets a say. But if my FMIL - who is footing the bill for about 40% of the wedding - were to say that she wanted the wedding on Christmas Eve because that's a perfect day for her and hers since they're all Jewish, I would put my foot down. If she wanted to pull all her funding, fine - but then she wouldn't get the big wedding with all the friends and family that she wants for us.

  
  

  Brides need to understand that the person who pays gets a big say. People who pay need to understand that they're offering money to help someone else's vision comes alive. BOTH SIDES NEED TO WORK TO MAKE IT WORK. The bride doesn't just get to throw up her hands and show up as a prop to her own wedding because she didn't pay, and the parents (or whoever is paying) can't expect to dictate everything they want just so. 

  
  

  If I were you, I'd push back with your mom. Especially since the big wedding is her vision. If this is such a big deal for her that she'll pull funding, fine. But I highly doubt she will if she really wants a grand wedding experience. After all, the wedding date isn't exactly a bill that you get, and since you can't pay for a date on the calendar it really shouldn't be that big of a fuss how you get a better date. 

  If someone says "I will buy you a brand new Buick Encore" and you say "nooooo, I want the brand new car, but I want a Cadillac ATS instead" I would consider that pretty darn rude and entitled. Who acts like that?

  
  

  The polite response is either "Thank you very much, I'll take the car" or "Oh, thank you for the offer, but I have to decline - I'm saving up for a Cadillac ATS."

  I don't really see that as an equal metaphor. In a wedding, parents might say "We want to pay for the food." Hurray, food! 

  
  

  But when they say "We want everything with shellfish" and your FI's family is Jewish, you are totally in your right to say "That won't work for us." The parents then either have the choice to pull out or work with you. I'm saying that would be pretty poor of them to pull out because you're trying to be sensitive to someone's religion.

  
  

  On the flip side, if a parent says "I'm putting $10,000 to your wedding" and it's not really determined what they're buying, they get say - but they don't get all the say, nor do they get none of the say. It sounded like from OP the mother doesn't have an item she's buying, but rather she's making a monetary gift to the couple toward the wedding. Which, in my book, means being respectful to her desires and making sure you do everything you can to make her happy within reason. 

  
  

  I just wanted to point out that "He who pays, says" doesn't mean "I put money toward your wedding, therefore it is now MY WEDDING." 

  
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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  July 2014

  MegEn1 said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  MegEn1 said:

  I think people need to be a bit more clear about the "He who pays, says" rule. The way I understand it, the person who pays gets a say - a big say. But they don't get the entire say. The bride and groom are the ones that will sign contracts with vendors, the bride and the groom are still more often than not going to be the hosts. So yes, the payer gets a say. But if my FMIL - who is footing the bill for about 40% of the wedding - were to say that she wanted the wedding on Christmas Eve because that's a perfect day for her and hers since they're all Jewish, I would put my foot down. If she wanted to pull all her funding, fine - but then she wouldn't get the big wedding with all the friends and family that she wants for us.

  
  

  Brides need to understand that the person who pays gets a big say. People who pay need to understand that they're offering money to help someone else's vision comes alive. BOTH SIDES NEED TO WORK TO MAKE IT WORK. The bride doesn't just get to throw up her hands and show up as a prop to her own wedding because she didn't pay, and the parents (or whoever is paying) can't expect to dictate everything they want just so. 

  
  

  If I were you, I'd push back with your mom. Especially since the big wedding is her vision. If this is such a big deal for her that she'll pull funding, fine. But I highly doubt she will if she really wants a grand wedding experience. After all, the wedding date isn't exactly a bill that you get, and since you can't pay for a date on the calendar it really shouldn't be that big of a fuss how you get a better date. 

  If someone says "I will buy you a brand new Buick Encore" and you say "nooooo, I want the brand new car, but I want a Cadillac ATS instead" I would consider that pretty darn rude and entitled. Who acts like that?

  
  

  The polite response is either "Thank you very much, I'll take the car" or "Oh, thank you for the offer, but I have to decline - I'm saving up for a Cadillac ATS."

  I don't really see that as an equal metaphor. In a wedding, parents might say "We want to pay for the food." Hurray, food! 

  
  

  But when they say "We want everything with shellfish" and your FI's family is Jewish, you are totally in your right to say "That won't work for us." The parents then either have the choice to pull out or work with you. I'm saying that would be pretty poor of them to pull out because you're trying to be sensitive to someone's religion.

  
  

  On the flip side, if a parent says "I'm putting $10,000 to your wedding" and it's not really determined what they're buying, they get say - but they don't get all the say, nor do they get none of the say. It sounded like from OP the mother doesn't have an item she's buying, but rather she's making a monetary gift to the couple toward the wedding. Which, in my book, means being respectful to her desires and making sure you do everything you can to make her happy within reason. 

  
  

  I just wanted to point out that "He who pays, says" doesn't mean "I put money toward your wedding, therefore it is now MY WEDDING." 

  It's an analogy, so let me phrase it related to a wedding so it's easier to understand: 

  
  

  If Mom and Dad say "We want to pay for the flowers for your wedding and reception, but we want everything to be lilies and daisies" and you say "noooooooo, I want you to pay for the flowers, but I want roses and orchids" I would consider that pretty darn rude and entitled. Who acts like that?

  
  

  The polite response is either "Thank you very much - we'll take your offer" or "Oh, thank you for the offer, but I have to decline - we wanted lilies and orchids."

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• Mollyveeeee member

  

  July 2014

  My mom is a bit like that too, she likes to try and go over and around our coordinator to get details which, without our coordinator is hard to do. I find it best to give your mom projects she enjoys so she feels involved in the wedding, ie looking for flowers, hair styles, DIY stuff etc.I keep her in the loop on everything, and she and my father are paying for 70% of the wedding, but I also let her know, she and I are different and although I value her opinion, it is not mine or my fiances.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  July 2014

  Generally for the "He who pays, says" rule, I liken it to the "He" who pays gets the say they want.  For example, my parents paid for my reception and dress.  They wanted and had a big say in where we had the reception (although we both wanted the same place) and they didn't care, other than budget, on my dress.  But since they were paying, they also had every right to have a larger say in my dress.  My parents also didn't dictate much else for the reception except where to have it.  Also, some parents DO want to be the ones to sign the contracts with vendors since they are paying.

  To the OP: First I think you are making a huge mistake giving up the wedding that you and your FI want for the one your mom wants.  You are adults and the way your mom is currently treating you, she isn't showing it.  If you two don't take a stand now and stand up for yourselves, her behavior will continue.  What will happen when you have kids and she thinks you aren't raising them "properly".  So decline the money and have the exact wedding that you and FI want to have.  Don't talk about the wedding with your mom, as hard as that may be. 

  I bet that your parents wedding was planned completely by your grandmother, your mom had no say and is now trying to give you the wedding she always wanted for herself.

  

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• Teddy917 member

  

  July 2014

  PPs have covered pretty much everything. I just wanted to add why did YOU decide to go with your mom's wedding vision? Why didn't you and your FIANCÉ decide/compromise on the vision? What's he want for the wedding. Seeing as he is one of the people getting married, his opinion should be considered.

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• lilacck28 member

  

  July 2014

  My parents are paying for the wedding (and they have signed the contract with most of the vendors). A few things have shifted from my original idea (the guest list is bigger, but I wanted small primarily to keep down costs. If they want to invite more and pay more, fine with me) but for the most part, my mom and I have been in agreement, and if not, we talk about it and compromise. I found paper flower centerpieces I was going to make. She wasn't a fan. So, we compromised. I'll make one. If we like it, I'll make them, if not, we'll buy flowers. The most important thing in our discussions is that I calmly explain my reasoning for wanting certain things. The centerpieces, again, were about saving money. My mom appreciates that, and respects that. My mom wanted more people from the family, and some friends, I appreciate and respect that. Conversations are civil and two way streets. Besides what PPs have covered: I would talk to your mom about how you want to be respectful of your Fiance and his side of the family so that you can have a good relationship with them in the future. The date is very important to aiding that goal. Maybe talk about your mom's relationship with her in laws. Is it good? if so, say how great that was to witness growing up, and that you want that for yourself. Was it bad? If so, talk about how painful it was to see her being treated poorly or have a bad relationship with her in laws, and that you'd like to avoid that. And also, say something like "these (flowers? dress? first dance song?) are a few things in particular that are important to me, and here are my ideas. What do you think? " If, for example, you desperately want candles for your centerpieces and your mom desperately wants roses, I don't think it would be out of line to simply ask your mom "Why? What is so important about the roses?" She may explain why to you and you'll realize that you understand her point, or she may realize that she doesn't have a good reason and thus bends a bit, or you may not like her explanation but realize how very important it is to her while it isn't as important to you. I think if you start all conversations off in a respectful and thankful manner, you'll have much better luck.

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• lilacck28 member

  

  July 2014

  THE KNOT ATE ALL MY LOVELY PARAGRAPHS

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• MobKaz member

  

  July 2014

  @londonbride2015, I think how your mother offered to pay makes a huge difference in this situation.
  
  There are several MOB's and MOG's on these boards that would agree that it is NOT always "He who pays, has the say".  If your parents GIFTED you the money, then that adage does not apply.  A true gift does not attach strings to it.
  
  I gifted both my daughter and son wedding money.  They did not have to spend it all on a wedding.  The only stipulation was that if they chose to have a wedding that included guests, then those guests needed to be hosted properly.  Their weddings were polar opposites.  DD asked for a lot of insight; son and DIL asked for occasional insight.  Unless their concern impacted the hospitality of their guests, I offered my opinion and let it go.  Their wedding was not about me.
  
  I have to agree with @Teddy917.  Relinquishing YOUR wedding to your mother was your first mistake.  You and your mother may have a close relationship, but I think her lines may have blurred a bit.  You need to gently but firmly remind her that this wedding is not about her.  If she has people that she wants to invite that create a larger wedding than you envisioned, that is a compromise you will have to allow.  Beyond that, however, the wedding should be a reflection of you and your FI. 
  
  Rather than ask for specific input from her, show her several options you and FI personally have chosen and like.  At that point you can share your ideas with her.  "Mom, FI and I both like the color schemes of silver, gold, and ivory, or silver, black, and blush.  Would you like to be our tie breaker?"  If mom suggests blue and orange, you can politely remind her that those colors are not on the discussion table.  If she will not relent, then change the subject.
  
  If she does not start to take her vision out of the equation, you need to remind her that her offer was a gift (if that is the case), and that you do not appreciate her strings.  Every once in a while, moms need a bit of a reality check/slap.
  

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• Ndelible member

  

  July 2014

  The date is an important issue; if she's budged on that, but is being passive aggressive about other things, you'll just have to ignore.  

  Happiness is an inside job

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• mysticl member

  

  July 2014

  MegEn1 said:

  I think people need to be a bit more clear about the "He who pays, says" rule. The way I understand it, the person who pays gets a say - a big say. But they don't get the entire say. The bride and groom are the ones that will sign contracts with vendors, the bride and the groom are still more often than not going to be the hosts. So yes, the payer gets a say. But if my FMIL - who is footing the bill for about 40% of the wedding - were to say that she wanted the wedding on Christmas Eve because that's a perfect day for her and hers since they're all Jewish, I would put my foot down. If she wanted to pull all her funding, fine - but then she wouldn't get the big wedding with all the friends and family that she wants for us.

  
  

  Brides need to understand that the person who pays gets a big say. People who pay need to understand that they're offering money to help someone else's vision comes alive. BOTH SIDES NEED TO WORK TO MAKE IT WORK. The bride doesn't just get to throw up her hands and show up as a prop to her own wedding because she didn't pay, and the parents (or whoever is paying) can't expect to dictate everything they want just so. 

  
  

  If I were you, I'd push back with your mom. Especially since the big wedding is her vision. If this is such a big deal for her that she'll pull funding, fine. But I highly doubt she will if she really wants a grand wedding experience. After all, the wedding date isn't exactly a bill that you get, and since you can't pay for a date on the calendar it really shouldn't be that big of a fuss how you get a better date. 

  This is not necessarily true. It is entirely possible that the contract will be between the vendor and the person paying the vendor.  There are two ways family can contribute money.  They can give it to the bride and/or groom to pay for things or they can pay the vendor directly.  I can see how vendors would only want to enter into a contract with the person signing the check.  

  

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• londonbride2015 member

  

  July 2014

  Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm not quite sure how this turned into a "if they pay - they have a say" conversation since I've clearly stated I'm fully aware of this and have accepted that. But my mom was being very upset about not having a specific date that, if we had the wedding on, my fiance's family couldn't come to. I think that is a clear situation that no matter who is paying, you have to compromise. It's about family, not about centerpieces and where the wedding will be.

  
  

  
  

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• londonbride2015 member

  

  July 2014

  Additionally, I've already solved the issue and my mother realized she was being irrational about the dates and has apologized. I'll probably take a few of the appropriate responses from here that actually addressed my issue, and use them in the future. I will definitely have to make sure there are appropriate lines drawn and discuss exactly what goes along with their offer to pay for the wedding, and if I accept it or not. 

  
  

  My fiance and I don't mind how the wedding looks - our main is concern is we want to get married, with our family to witness, and for everyone to enjoy themselves - which is why I do not mind my parents having a final say in the majority of the planning. However, like some of you said, being stubborn about a date that just cannot work is unacceptable and it's a moment like this where I need to put my foot down. 

  
  

  Ultimately, her issue was with something else, but she was using the date as an excuse to vent her anger. We talked it out and everything is much better. 

  
  

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• lilacck28 member

  

  July 2014

  londonbride2015 said:

  Additionally, I've already solved the issue and my mother realized she was being irrational about the dates and has apologized. I'll probably take a few of the appropriate responses from here that actually addressed my issue, and use them in the future. I will definitely have to make sure there are appropriate lines drawn and discuss exactly what goes along with their offer to pay for the wedding, and if I accept it or not. 

  
  

  My fiance and I don't mind how the wedding looks - our main is concern is we want to get married, with our family to witness, and for everyone to enjoy themselves - which is why I do not mind my parents having a final say in the majority of the planning. However, like some of you said, being stubborn about a date that just cannot work is unacceptable and it's a moment like this where I need to put my foot down. 

  
  

  Ultimately, her issue was with something else, but she was using the date as an excuse to vent her anger. We talked it out and everything is much better. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  STUCK IN BOX

  
  

  What was the other issue? 

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