Just Engaged and Proposals

Please help me help my friend

A very dear friend of mine is going through a lot of anxiety and turmoil and I want to help her as best I can, but I find it hard to relate to her personally because I have never been engaged. Plus, I can't talk about it with certain people, because it is obviously very private.

So, she has been dating this guy since 2011. He proposed last November and she said yes. But she has been panicking over whether or not he is "the one." She feels like she loves him, but has never been IN LOVE with him. She tends to intellectualize things a lot, however. When I have seen them together, the way she looks at him really seems to me like she looks in love. The only guys she thinks she was in love with were guys who had a lot of cheesy lines and emotionally weren't available. This guy loves her so much. But she has all these doubts. She says that they don't have a lot of deep conversations. I suggested that she start having more. I almost feel like she is afraid to start one with him. She thinks that they are too alike, although I don't. I asked her last night what is keeping her from breaking up with him (not in a confrontational way at all - I was asking her in a way of finding out what is leading to her ambivalence), and she said that she can't imagine not being with him, and she thinks her family would disapprove of her. She has said that if she breaks the engagement, she feels like she should just give up on love.

I am afraid that she is settling, and, if she decides to marry him, she will keep going back and forth for the rest of her life. She says that she feels like something is missing, and that she should KNOW that he is "the one." But I don't know, I haven't had that experience yet, so it is hard to speak from experience. She keeps delaying her decision, which gets more and more awkward the longer time passes.  

He is a wonderful guy, and will be really heartbroken, obviously. But I also feel like he deserves to marry someone who wants to be with him and doesn't have to question it all the time. And I am sure she feels the same way but is so afraid of hurting him. 

I am also worried that her fears and anxiety about the future could also be what is really making her feel this way, and that she could be losing an opportunity to be with a guy who could make her happy the rest of her life. Can any of yall please offer some insight on whether you have gone through this process, and what ultimately led you to continue in the relationship? I just see her suffering so much in her indecision, and her shame at even thinking this way, that I want to help her in any way that I can.

I hope I explained myself. If you have additional questions, feel free to ask. Thank you so much with whatever insight you can offer.

Carolyn

Re: Please help me help my friend

  • Sadly, I have been in this position before. I dated my ex for 5 years. And while I loved him, I wasn't head-over-heels in love with him. And deep down, I knew that I was settling. I didn't want to admit that to myself though. I remember thinking, "I'm in my 30s. I might as well just stay with him. Who am I going to find?" I can laugh now at the ridiculousness of that. But I was scared. 

    Eventually it got to the point where I was so unhappy, I couldn't stand it. I knew the right thing was to break up with him. It wasn't fair to him either for me to continue the relationship. He was heart-broken. I spent days crying. 

    Anyway, there's not really much you can do. Your friend isn't going to see this or accept it until she's ready. I'm sure my friends had very similar concerns/frustrations with me while I was in this former relationship. I think the only thing you can do is voice your concerns to her. Tell her that you'll support her no matter what. 

    I also think you should talk to her about her worries with her family. There's no way her family would want her to get married just to make them happy. 
  • Have you suggested for her to seek some therapy?  Honestly, all of this has to do with her and her fears and her anxieties and her worry.  She needs to figure herself out and what she wants before she commits to someone.  Because if she doesn't that is not only unfair to herself but for the person that she is with.

  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2014
    I've only ever been with my fiance. There were some things that could have gone some where... but I just wasn't that interested and didn't pursue. There was also a "bad boy" type that I had a long term flirtation with. But, for all intents and purposes, it has only been my fiance. I have had the occasional "how do I know it's love?" type of fear, because I too intellectualize everything, I haven't had other relationship to compare to this one, and I read a lot of romance novels where the love described is often almost painful--- the characters are DESPERATE for each other, and have passionate sex every night with multiple orgasms every time. So, yeah, cheesy, dramatic romance, which is often what we see depicted in television and movies as well. Real life isn't like that, but every once in a while I think "but, is it actually like that and I'm just telling myself that everything is fine?" 

    But ultimately, I ask myself... is there anyone else I can imagine myself with? No. Is there anything I would change about fiance? No (well, it would be great if he was a billionaire genius, but then he might be an ass so... trade off.) Do I want time away from fiance to "look for something else"? No. Do I miss fiance when I am away from him? Yes, even for just one night. Do I love touching and kissing and being near fiance? Yes. Do I always feel happy and loved with fiance? Yes. Do I see myself having kids with fiance, growing old with fiance? Yes. 

    Your friend needs to figure out what love means to her, and the questions she needs to ask and answer for herself to figure out if what she has is right for her. 
  • Thank you so much to all who have responded. It has given me a lot to think about. And, yes, she has been seeing a therapist. However, she felt the first one was trying to push her too much towards staying in the relationship, and the second one never has appointments available, so she only sees him about once a month. So I am going to encourage her to find one that fits with her needs better.

    I really appreciate the perspectives yall have given me. Would love to continue to get other perspectives!

    Carolyn
  • If she felt like the first therapist was "trying to push her to stay in the relationship" then it sounds like she's already made up her mind and she should break up with him. If her therapist was right and she SHOULD stay with him, because it is a great relationship and she has unrealistic expectations, well, it will be her loss and a learning experience. But staying with a guy while you wish to break up and feel like being with him is settling is no way to move forward in a relationship and is incredibly unfair to the other party. 

    Though, letting her know that her expectations are built in fantasy/delusion land is also not out of the question. Then its in her court. 
  • It's really hard to watch a friend feel uncertain or in turmoil about a relationship. I have had friends in that spot and I have been in that spot. I also agree that tv and movies create unrealistic expectations about love. I think we are taught as women that love worth having is difficult, that men should be scaling mountains for us, but the reality is the difficulties are not what we see in those contexts, they are the very ordinary and not glamorous problems of fitting two lives together. 

    I think all you can really do is be supportive of your friend, and tell her you support her no matter what, regardless of her decision. Speaking up too much or encouraging her to break it off may end up alienating you from her if she decides to stay with the guy (haven't we all been there?). 
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