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How to Tell My Mom to Buckle Down

lizhurtlizhurt member
10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it...
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Re: How to Tell My Mom to Buckle Down

  • lizhurtlizhurt member
    10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    JCbride2015 said:
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it...
    Wait.... haven't you openly admitted to stirring the MUD before?  Like, not even tried to hide it?  Have you decided to play nice or are you going to follow up with how you asked your parents for money, your sister is your MOH and is not filling her shoes, or better yet she will be pregnant in your wedding pics?

    If you're serious, I think you just need to relax and give it time.  It's likely not a judgment on your Fi.  Your parents are probably wedding-ed out.  Give your parents a break and see if they get more excited as the date approaches.  And if they don't, there's nothing you can do about it.  They might have just been more excited for your sister because it was the first wedding

    Also, knock off the judgment about your sister's relationship-- notice it doesn't feel good when you think your parents are doing it to you?  People have different timelines for their relationships, and that's okay.  FBIL and FSIL have been together half the time as us, got engaged and married within our engagement, and yes Fi is a bit irritated especially because he's the oldest brother.  But there's no way to express this without hurt feelings, so try to move past it.
    I have never asked my parents for money. They gave both of us a budget and I did all I could in my power to respect it until they realized (because of my sister's marriage) that it would be impossible to stick to. And no, this sis is not my MOH. I was hers, but my little sister will be mine. And you will never hear anyone say I was less than the most supportive/all time best ever MOH ever. And I don't judge them for the length of their relationship, just the way my uber-traditional parents accept their extremely quick courtship/engagement versus my LTR with my fiance, who has always been extremely open to my family.
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  • lizhurtlizhurt member
    10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it…
    This kinda sounds like you judge your relationship to be more valid than your sister's.  If you are projecting that feeling to your family it could be off-putting to them as far as being involved in planning your wedding.  Which is your job anyhow.  
    Not at all, I just saw my mom taking the lead in planning my sister's wedding but taking a back seat and not keeping me informed of wedding decisions for my impending nuptials. And I don't judge their relationship, just the fact that my parents have been more open to her quick courtship and engagement than to my LTR with a man who has loved me for almost five years and provided me with constant support and stability.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    lizhurt said:
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it…
    This kinda sounds like you judge your relationship to be more valid than your sister's.  If you are projecting that feeling to your family it could be off-putting to them as far as being involved in planning your wedding.  Which is your job anyhow.  
    Not at all, I just saw my mom taking the lead in planning my sister's wedding but taking a back seat and not keeping me informed of wedding decisions for my impending nuptials. And I don't judge their relationship, just the fact that my parents have been more open to her quick courtship and engagement than to my LTR with a man who has loved me for almost five years and provided me with constant support and stability.
    1st bolded-- wait, she's making decisions and not informing you?  This sounds like too much involvement.

    2nd bolded-- as irrational as it may be, they might never come around and there's not much to do about it besides make sure they just see Fi in the best light possible.  I've been with Fi for 11 years; he's a financially stable college graduate; he loves the heck out of me and has supported me in studying abroad, serving in a volunteer organization for two years, through law school, etc.  My whole family loves him except my dad is hung up on wishing I had dated around more.  He is lukewarm about Fi and the wedding.  I try not to let it bother me.  It still bothers me, but I think I have at least come around to accepting he probably will not change his mind, so I've stopped trying.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • lizhurtlizhurt member
    10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    flantastic said:
    I think you need to be less insecure.

    Doesn't mean your mom doesn't love you. Maybe once she's taken a little break from wedding stuff she'll seem more invested.

    No one is/was "stealing your thunder."

    But why is it fair to me to wait when my wedding is less than 6 months away. It is crunch time. She knows it is imperative to me that everything goes according to my vision. Imperfection is unacceptable. She needs to give my wedding the same attention, if not more (my sis was not as picky as I am) and needs to step up to the plate. She gave her all and more to my sis for her wedding. I deserve the same.
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    flantastic said:
    lizhurt said:
    flantastic said:
    I think you need to be less insecure.

    Doesn't mean your mom doesn't love you. Maybe once she's taken a little break from wedding stuff she'll seem more invested.

    No one is/was "stealing your thunder."

    But why is it fair to me to wait when my wedding is less than 6 months away. It is crunch time. She knows it is imperative to me that everything goes according to my vision. Imperfection is unacceptable. She needs to give my wedding the same attention, if not more (my sis was not as picky as I am) and needs to step up to the plate. She gave her all and more to my sis for her wedding. I deserve the same.
    MUD
    Yeeeeeup.  Not even touching this one. 
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    lizhurt said:
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it…
    This kinda sounds like you judge your relationship to be more valid than your sister's.  If you are projecting that feeling to your family it could be off-putting to them as far as being involved in planning your wedding.  Which is your job anyhow.  
    Not at all, I just saw my mom taking the lead in planning my sister's wedding but taking a back seat and not keeping me informed of wedding decisions for my impending nuptials. And I don't judge their relationship, just the fact that my parents have been more open to her quick courtship and engagement than to my LTR with a man who has loved me for almost five years and provided me with constant support and stability.
    I'm confused, is she planning your wedding or not?  Because first you say she's taking a backseat then you say she's not keeping you informed of decisions.  That sounds like she is planning your wedding for you.  

    You say your parents are very traditional so they could view your sister's marriage as more traditional because she progressed through her relationship and got married.  Whereas maybe they viewed your 5 year relationship as being stagnant and didn't expect it to lead to marriage.  
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  • lizhurtlizhurt member
    10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    What does MUD mean??
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  • lizhurtlizhurt member
    10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it…
    This kinda sounds like you judge your relationship to be more valid than your sister's.  If you are projecting that feeling to your family it could be off-putting to them as far as being involved in planning your wedding.  Which is your job anyhow.  
    Not at all, I just saw my mom taking the lead in planning my sister's wedding but taking a back seat and not keeping me informed of wedding decisions for my impending nuptials. And I don't judge their relationship, just the fact that my parents have been more open to her quick courtship and engagement than to my LTR with a man who has loved me for almost five years and provided me with constant support and stability.
    I'm confused, is she planning your wedding or not?  Because first you say she's taking a backseat then you say she's not keeping you informed of decisions.  That sounds like she is planning your wedding for you.  

    You say your parents are very traditional so they could view your sister's marriage as more traditional because she progressed through her relationship and got married.  Whereas maybe they viewed your 5 year relationship as being stagnant and didn't expect it to lead to marriage.  

    Stagnant?? Wow, maybe more like the natural progression of a couple that took the time to determine that their life was better spent together after undergoing the natural trials and tribulations of a consensual adult relationship. I think they were honestly happier to have her married off at her advanced age (not my reflections, theirs) than to have their second daughter married to someone they viewed as "less than" even though he has a viable career and has put in the real time necessary to facilitate a healthy, long-term relationship (no diss, but my sis's now hubby is obsessed with overcoming his blue collar roots and viewed marrying my sister from an upper-middle class fam as an upgrade from his humble upbringing, even buying her a Movado watch)  in a stunted, undeveloped progression. But you would have to know my parents to understand... 
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    lizhurt said:
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    mysticl said:
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it…
    This kinda sounds like you judge your relationship to be more valid than your sister's.  If you are projecting that feeling to your family it could be off-putting to them as far as being involved in planning your wedding.  Which is your job anyhow.  
    Not at all, I just saw my mom taking the lead in planning my sister's wedding but taking a back seat and not keeping me informed of wedding decisions for my impending nuptials. And I don't judge their relationship, just the fact that my parents have been more open to her quick courtship and engagement than to my LTR with a man who has loved me for almost five years and provided me with constant support and stability.
    I'm confused, is she planning your wedding or not?  Because first you say she's taking a backseat then you say she's not keeping you informed of decisions.  That sounds like she is planning your wedding for you.  

    You say your parents are very traditional so they could view your sister's marriage as more traditional because she progressed through her relationship and got married.  Whereas maybe they viewed your 5 year relationship as being stagnant and didn't expect it to lead to marriage.  

    Stagnant?? Wow, maybe more like the natural progression of a couple that took the time to determine that their life was better spent together after undergoing the natural trials and tribulations of a consensual adult relationship. I think they were honestly happier to have her married off at her advanced age (not my reflections, theirs) than to have their second daughter married to someone they viewed as "less than" even though he has a viable career and has put in the real time necessary to facilitate a healthy, long-term relationship (no diss, but my sis's now hubby is obsessed with overcoming his blue collar roots and viewed marrying my sister from an upper-middle class fam as an upgrade from his humble upbringing, even buying her a Movado watch)  in a stunted, undeveloped progression. But you would have to know my parents to understand... 
    I don't know your parents, you're right.  I'm just giving you a possible view point.  But whatever the issues is get over it.  You are an adult, your mother does not need to do one single thing for your wedding.  If you have a vision and want perfection make it happen.  

    And yes, you do view your relationship as more valid than your sister's, if you didn't you wouldn't keep harping on the length of time you have been together.  
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Why do you keep stating that your parents deem your FI as lesser compared to your sister's husband? Have they ever actually come out and directly said this?

    You seem to be projecting a pile of insecurities onto your parents and what you perceive to be their level of enthusiasm over your wedding.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
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    So I haven't read every post so I'm sorry if I repeat anything or if this has officially been deemed MUD but this is what I think.

    First off to say your sister got engaged bc her biological clock is ticking is pretty crappy. I got married at 28 and am almost 30 now and have no desire to have kids anytime soon. Modem medicine allows women to have children later in life nowadays.

    Second, yes your mom may be burnt out. And if she is then so be it. No one will be as excited as you are for your wedding. It may suck that she doesn't want to be overly involved but you just have to deal with it and move on.

    A lot of the things you say in your post make you sound kind if immature.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lizhurt said:
    OKAY, so TL:DR sis who got engaged after me just got married; don't feel like mom is as invested in my wedding,

    So, my sister and I got engaged within a short amount of time of each other. I am younger but have been with FI for four and a half years. She and her now hubby had gotten together (he is BFF of my FI) in a matter of a year. Basically they had their first romantic encounter in late December and by March she decided to move across country to be with him. I was happy for them because it was my sister, who I have seen deal with many heartaches, and a great friend of the man I love. However, I felt that my sister's biological clock (she was 30, almost 31, he was 25) was the main impetus towards their quick engagement. Even though she got engaged after me, I accepted her having an earlier wedding date (and somewhat stealing my thunder) because she was older, but now my parents seem much less invested in helping me plan my wedding (to a man who I have put in the real time with to develop a relationship meriting an engagement). Do you think it's just because they are burnt out from the first wedding (not my fault BTW) or because they value her fiance (in the Army, now a doctor) more than mine (no degree but tons of work/life experience and ambitious/successful enough to invest in a real home for us/incredibly bright and driven)? I just don't get it...
    You have got to be fucking kidding me with this asinine post. So, because you've been with your FI for 4 years, you think your relationship is more valid? 

    There's no such thing as stealing thunder. And maybe your parents aren't as invested with your wedding because you're behaving like a spoiled, judgmental brat? 

    My FI and I got engaged after 5 months. Because we loved each other and wanted to get married. I'll be 34 on my wedding day and FI will be 41. And guess what - it has nothing to do with a biological clock. Neither of us want kids. 
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Lol. H and I haven't even been together 5 years total. And we've been married almost 3 and have a kid and another on the way (surprise!). Our relationship must not be valid since we didn't do the adult thing and invest time in the relationship before getting married.
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    OP,  you sound like a spoiled brat.  If I was your sister I would be devastated by how little you would value my relationship.  I haven't been too active on these boards lately, but I came out of lurking just to tell you to sit down and have serious look at how immature you're being
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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP, your attitude toward your sister and parents may be the reason why they are not that interested in helping you. Your view of your sister's relationship is very judgmental and probably hasn't gone unnoticed. Your mom is not responsible for planning your wedding. Plan your wedding with your FI and stop pestering your mom and sister. You really need to get over yourself.
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