Some of these suggestions are good, others seriously suck

Jen4948 · July 2014

http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2014/07/24/what-wedding-traditions-should-be-tossed

Some of these suggestions are right on the money; others, like the one who suggests exchanging all registries for charity registries, are so far off they're in another universe.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Evan Marc Katz's wedding sounds like a cheesy Pinterest nightmare... except the yacht reception venue - that sounds awesome! He writes like honeyfund, choreographed dances and inside joke vows made his wedding unique.. belch. The only thing missing are mustache straws and mason jars.

badbnagdway · July 2014

I think it's lovely to only have a charity registry. Not everyone will do that of course, but some people are in a position to easily forego the wedding gifts. On the other hand, the suggestion of asking for contribution towards student loans seems tacky.

Jen4948 · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

I think it's lovely to only have a charity registry. Not everyone will do that of course, but some people are in a position to easily forego the wedding gifts. On the other hand, the suggestion of asking for contribution towards student loans seems tacky.

I disagree. Charitable contributions are very personal for many people, and I think that whether or not they contribute, and to what causes, should not be determined by third parties as "gifts" to them. If it's important to the couple to donate (more power to them), they can do it out of funds they already control, such as money they were planning to spend on their wedding (provided they don't make a big announcement about it)-but not expect others to do it for them.

chibiyui · July 2014

Asking for money is just tacky, whether it goes towards a good cause or not.

lilacck28 · July 2014

I'd rather give someone money to go towards their student loans than to a charity that I do not necessarily agree with. If I give a check to a couple, it's theirs to do with as they please. But I will not give directly to an organization that I have not thoroughly researched.

Wegl13 · July 2014

My mom sent this to me with the title "some interesting ideas.".... Which completely threw me off... Interesting good or interesting bad?? I have no idea. BUT I love the idea of giving your toss bouquet to the longest wedded couple in the room (I think it will be my grands). It fits all the things I've been wanting (honoring long marriages, giving the bouquet to someone special) without any of the things I didn't want (pointing out divorced, widowed, or single family/friends).

badbnagdway · July 2014

Having a charity on your registry doesn't mean that people have to support that charity. Like anything else on a registry it's a suggestion. I disagree that it's tacky to say, for example, "Your presence at our wedding is present enough, please do not get us a gift! If you feel inclined, however, your donation to x charity would honor us as groom's dad died of x." Not on the invitation, to be clear, but in the space where registry information would normally be on the website or whatever.

I have trouble understanding how presenting that option would be any ruder than registries in general.

Jen4948 · July 2014

Wegl13 said:

My mom sent this to me with the title "some interesting ideas.".... Which completely threw me off... Interesting good or interesting bad?? I have no idea. BUT I love the idea of giving your toss bouquet to the longest wedded couple in the room (I think it will be my grands). It fits all the things I've been wanting (honoring long marriages, giving the bouquet to someone special) without any of the things I didn't want (pointing out divorced, widowed, or single family/friends).

Stuck in box

I'd make sure the couple actually wants to be honored that way before doing it. Whatever you do, don't surprise them with it. If either feels shy about that kind of public recognition, or there has been trouble in their marriage, they may well not want the bouquet. Also, they may not want to take the bouquet even if things are fine in their marriage and they don't mind the public recognition.

ashleyep · July 2014

Wegl13 said:

My mom sent this to me with the title "some interesting ideas.".... Which completely threw me off... Interesting good or interesting bad?? I have no idea. BUT I love the idea of giving your toss bouquet to the longest wedded couple in the room (I think it will be my grands). It fits all the things I've been wanting (honoring long marriages, giving the bouquet to someone special) without any of the things I didn't want (pointing out divorced, widowed, or single family/friends).

That's what I'm doing! We're doing the anniversary dance and I'll give my nana the bouquet at the end

(Although I guess that highlights the divorced, widowed, and single people)

ashleyep · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

Having a charity on your registry doesn't mean that people have to support that charity. Like anything else on a registry it's a suggestion. I disagree that it's tacky to say, for example, "Your presence at our wedding is present enough, please do not get us a gift! If you feel inclined, however, your donation to x charity would honor us as groom's dad died of x." Not on the invitation, to be clear, but in the space where registry information would normally be on the website or whatever.

I have trouble understanding how presenting that option would be any ruder than registries in general.

Well it's a cash gift. Take the check I give you and give it to the charity after the wedding. Don't tell me in what form I should give cash. Cash is universal. If you want to give it to a charity after the wedding, that's your call.

Don't have a registry if you don't want gifts. A charity registry is just kind of like "look what good people we are! Eschewing gifts in favor of charity!"

That being said, I might not side eye it if it's present as an option alongside a regular registry. But if that's your only "registry" - give me a break.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

Having a charity on your registry doesn't mean that people have to support that charity. Like anything else on a registry it's a suggestion. I disagree that it's tacky to say, for example, "Your presence at our wedding is present enough, please do not get us a gift! If you feel inclined, however, your donation to x charity would honor us as groom's dad died of x." Not on the invitation, to be clear, but in the space where registry information would normally be on the website or whatever.

I have trouble understanding how presenting that option would be any ruder than registries in general.

The bolded is tacky no matter what kind of registry you have, because it implies you were expecting gifts in the first place.

I just don't see the point of a charity registry, at all. If you don't want gifts, just don't register. If people ask you what you want, simply say, "You are so kind, but we really have everything we need right now."

If people give you cash anyway, just turn around and quietly donate it.

Charity registries and charity favors just come off as sanctimonious and holier-than-thou. If you want to donate, just donate. You don't need to get attention over it.

That said, no, it's not the tackiest thing you could possibly do. I will roll my eyes if you have a charity registry, but it's not some kind of huge deal-breaker issue. A straight-up cash or Honeyfund registry is worse.

VulgarGirl · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

Having a charity on your registry doesn't mean that people have to support that charity. Like anything else on a registry it's a suggestion. I disagree that it's tacky to say, for example, "Your presence at our wedding is present enough, please do not get us a gift! If you feel inclined, however, your donation to x charity would honor us as groom's dad died of x." Not on the invitation, to be clear, but in the space where registry information would normally be on the website or whatever.

I have trouble understanding how presenting that option would be any ruder than registries in general.

There are a lot of charities that are perfectly good charities that people disagree with. My go to example on this is the Salvation Army. Now most people have no problem putting money into their little red bins and would think it's a fine place to donate some money towards. I will never give them one red cent. It's a shame really, they do some wonderful work, but they are extreamly anti-gay. I'm not giving my money to people who think I'm going to burn. Even if it's for your wedding.

Also it makes the assumption that people are going to give you a gift. You shouldn't expect a single gift for your wedding. Which is why you don't mention them at all. You don't say BUY US STUFF. You also don't say DON'T BUY US STUFF. You just say nothing.

Jen4948 · July 2014

Knottie83906351 said:

Having a charity on your registry doesn't mean that people have to support that charity. Like anything else on a registry it's a suggestion. I disagree that it's tacky to say, for example, "Your presence at our wedding is present enough, please do not get us a gift! If you feel inclined, however, your donation to x charity would honor us as groom's dad died of x." Not on the invitation, to be clear, but in the space where registry information would normally be on the website or whatever.

I have trouble understanding how presenting that option would be any ruder than registries in general.

Because the couple aren't entitled to gifts of any kind, including donations to charity. Asking for donations, regardless of the cause, has the appearance of "expecting" gifts, which is tacky and rude. And directing what cause to support is not appropriate, regardless of what one's loved one died from or whatever else you want to support. The guest in question may not support that cause, and it's not appropriate to tell others to donate to causes they don't support as gifts to you. If you want to donate to that cause, great-but do it with your own funds.

Wegl13 · July 2014

When the couple with the longest marriage is my grandparents, I'm pretty sure I can present them with a bouquet and tell them I love them and I hope I have as many happy wonderful years as they have had without having to "check with them first."

Jen4948 · July 2014

Wegl13 said:

When the couple with the longest marriage is my grandparents, I'm pretty sure I can present them with a bouquet and tell them I love them and I hope I have as many happy wonderful years as they have had without having to "check with them first."

Me, I'd still check. My (generic) grandparents might not want that kind of public recognition.

AprilH81 · July 2014

Wegl13 said:

My mom sent this to me with the title "some interesting ideas.".... Which completely threw me off... Interesting good or interesting bad?? I have no idea. BUT I love the idea of giving your toss bouquet to the longest wedded couple in the room (I think it will be my grands). It fits all the things I've been wanting (honoring long marriages, giving the bouquet to someone special) without any of the things I didn't want (pointing out divorced, widowed, or single family/friends).

We did an anniversary dance where we invited any married couples on the dance floor with us. I did think through our guest list to make sure there weren't any recently divorced couples, or recent widow/ers in the crowd that would be hurt.

kmmssg · July 2014

2 of my DDs also had anniversary dances. There were some couples who chose not to partcipate (DH's brother would rather die than dance so he and his wife sat it out). At the end of the dance at last DD's wedding my SIL/BIL were left last as they were married 31 years and she gave them her toss bouquet. People knew what they were getting into when they agreed to get on the dance floor for an anniversary dance.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

AprilH81 said:

Wegl13 said:

My mom sent this to me with the title "some interesting ideas.".... Which completely threw me off... Interesting good or interesting bad?? I have no idea. BUT I love the idea of giving your toss bouquet to the longest wedded couple in the room (I think it will be my grands). It fits all the things I've been wanting (honoring long marriages, giving the bouquet to someone special) without any of the things I didn't want (pointing out divorced, widowed, or single family/friends).

We did an anniversary dance where we invited any married couples on the dance floor with us. I did think through our guest list to make sure there weren't any recently divorced couples, or recent widow/ers in the crowd that would be hurt.

Not having a dance floor, so while this is moot for me, I wouldn't do it because my grandfather just died and I'm pretty sure it would torture my grandmother to see it (69 years of marriage, yo!) even if they wouldn't have danced due to their bad hips and knees.

Wegl13 · July 2014

I have loved the idea of an anniversary dance since the first time I heard about it. Since close members of both of our families have passed away... Not so much. So I've been trying to come up with a way to honor the wonderful marriages in our families (60+ for his grands, 60+ for mine... AND we are getting married the day after my mom and dads 39th anniversary!) that doesn't cause pain to a lot of other family members.

Jen4948 · July 2014

Wegl13 said:

I have loved the idea of an anniversary dance since the first time I heard about it. Since close members of both of our families have passed away... Not so much. So I've been trying to come up with a way to honor the wonderful marriages in our families (60+ for his grands, 60+ for mine... AND we are getting married the day after my mom and dads 39th anniversary!) that doesn't cause pain to a lot of other family members.

I would ask everyone involved who you want to "honor" what they think would be appropriate and respect their wishes.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

My parents are still together. FH's parents are still together. And while I might want to do something to honor the time they've been together, one of the ideas I've seen is to have their wedding pictures displayed. But my parents got married at a JOP right before my mom's student visa expired and they don't have any pictures, so doing anything like that is out for me.

VulgarGirl · July 2014

I have weird feelings towards the anniversery dance thing. FI's dads have been together for 20 some odd years, but only married for the past 4 years, and only recognized by the feds as married for the past year. So..how long do they dance for?

We have a lot of friends with long term relationships who aren't married to each other for one reason or another, or have been together forever but only briefly married because the laws have just started to change.

I also remember my friend's wedding, they did it (but no one got the bouquet, they just did the dance) and her parents had been married for 22 years so left the dance floor when the DJ announced for those who have been 25+ to keep dancing. My friend was 26. I remember a few people stopping her parents to question why they stopped dancing. Her mother (one classy broad), just smiled and said "22 happy years is still good" and gave her husband a big kiss. Some people were apparently side eyeing the fact that the brides parents weren't hitched when she was born. Huge giant eye roll here because like it fucking matters.

MrsDeRuyter87 · July 2014

@adk19 Do they have an anniversary picture you can share? Or if you did engagement pictures you could display one like that with a nice picture of your fi's parents and your parents at like a gift table or something.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

MagicInk said:

I have weird feelings towards the anniversery dance thing. FI's dads have been together for 20 some odd years, but only married for the past 4 years, and only recognized by the feds as married for the past year. So..how long do they dance for?

We have a lot of friends with long term relationships who aren't married to each other for one reason or another, or have been together forever but only briefly married because the laws have just started to change.

I also remember my friend's wedding, they did it (but no one got the bouquet, they just did the dance) and her parents had been married for 22 years so left the dance floor when the DJ announced for those who have been 25+ to keep dancing. My friend was 26. I remember a few people stopping her parents to question why they stopped dancing. Her mother (one classy broad), just smiled and said "22 happy years is still good" and gave her husband a big kiss. Some people were apparently side eyeing the fact that the brides parents weren't hitched when she was born. Huge giant eye roll here because like it fucking matters.

FBIL did a version of the anniversary dance that was intended to honor all committed couples, without the competition part. The DJ just called up all the married, engaged, or long-term couples and they had a slow dance song. It was sweet without being high-pressure.

Because you're right about the non-married couples thing. Fi and I have been together for 11 years, longer than a lot of married couples have known each other. Marriage is great, but it's not the only sign of a committed relationship.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

MrsDeRuyter87 said:

@adk19 Do they have an anniversary picture you can share? Or if you did engagement pictures you could display one like that with a nice picture of your fi's parents and your parents at like a gift table or something.

I could, but I'm not that sentimental.

Wegl13 · July 2014

Wow. See. Wow. However the first time I read this I thought the BRIDE was like "wait what?!".... Which would have been straight out of a romantic comedy or something. As it is... Basically seems like ain't to biznass just became everyone's biznass. Props to her for keeping it classy though, she sounds awesome.
A boss of mine originally told me about the anniversary dance- he was at a wedding of a friends kid or something and he and his wife (in their 40s) were some of the last on the dance floor, and he was so proud and you could just tell that was the highlight of the wedding for him. And the way he talked about the dance was just so sweet. But again- I think it's one of those things where it can be SO GREAT and yet can be so, so unintentionally awful.

ninkasi · July 2014

Since everyone is on the subject of charity donations, the knot has the option on the registry page for a charity donation. Quoted here: "With each gift purchased through your registry profile or wedding website, TheKnot.com / WeddingChannel.com will make a donation to your favorite charity, American Cancer Society - National Home Office. " Is this okay? Our website has not gone public to our guests yet, so it's easy for me to remove this if it's not okay to do. I chose the American Cancer Society for obvious reasons, I wish they had the option to choose the cancer charity specific to the cancer that is affecting us though. In my mind any cancer research helps everyone affected by it so at least it is something.

Ndelible · July 2014

I've never been to a wedding with an anniversary or married couples dance. It sounds a little weird to me, because there are a LOT of unmarried couples out there, for whatever reason. We're only doing to first dance for us and that's it. Then everyone can boogie their butts off (or not) all night long.

Wegl13 · July 2014

@JCbride2015- that sounds like a great idea until you're the couple that is having commitment issues. I dated a guy in college and it seems like we got in fights after every wedding we attended because of our commitment issues- I'm pretty sure if this had happened at a wedding we attended it would have been the worst thing ever. It was bad enough when there was a bouquet/garter toss- like if you didn't make an attempt to catch it you didn't value the relationship. Yeeeeeeep.

Jen4948 · July 2014

ninkasi said:

Since everyone is on the subject of charity donations, the knot has the option on the registry page for a charity donation. Quoted here: "With each gift purchased through your registry profile or wedding website, TheKnot.com / WeddingChannel.com will make a donation to your favorite charity, American Cancer Society - National Home Office. " Is this okay? Our website has not gone public to our guests yet, so it's easy for me to remove this if it's not okay to do. I chose the American Cancer Society for obvious reasons, I wish they had the option to choose the cancer charity specific to the cancer that is affecting us though. In my mind any cancer research helps everyone affected by it so at least it is something.

TheKnot is a for-profit business with financial interest in promoting these things on their board. But that doesn't change the fact that it is not appropriate to link your wedding to raising money for any charity, including cancer research. You are more than welcome to donate to cancer research from your own funds-but not to make an announcement of it or express a wish that your guests do the same as a gift to you.

Some of these suggestions are good, others seriously suck

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