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Father's Girlfriend???

KaycieBerchiolliKaycieBerchiolli member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
A few months ago my father told me he was dating someone.  At this point they have only told myself, my cousin, and my grandmother.  No one else in my family knows yet, but he wants her at the wedding and at the head table.  I had told him he needed to tell the family by fall, but it's more complicated than that so it hasn't happened yet.  Long story short, her ex-fiance is still an employee of hers, but he is looking for a new job.  Since they all have so many friends in common, they are not telling anyone they are dating...because she wasn't single when they started dating.  It's not as bad as it sounds, but trust me I had a field day with all of this.  Anyway...she was engaged for around 8 years and they were all friends.  Now that she has left him for my dad, my dad is keeping things quiet to avoid any problems for her at work until she replaces him.  So my questions is:
Where the hell do I seat her at the head table?  Neither of us has a mother to attend, but his father is remarried with children now.  My grandmother is walking me down the isle with my father, and his older sister is walking him down the isle with his father.  We are doing two square tables together for a head table in the center (no long rectangle).  Traditionally my mother and father would sit direction next to me, but I don't really want her next to me.  I'm not close to her and I don't think it's right to place her before my family and close friends when I've always known her as someone else's girlfriend and a past roommate. Ideas???  
PS For anyone who says if my dad is paying he can say where she sits, I am paying for my wedding 100% out of pocket, our parents are not assisting us at all.

Thanks
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Re: Father's Girlfriend???

  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ok, that's tough. I think I'd probably have a sweetheart table and let your dad host his own table of family and friends. I'd only go with the head table if he tells people about the relationship by then. Is it really that big of a deal that people know?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    RebeccaB88 said:
    Ok, that's tough. I think I'd probably have a sweetheart table and let your dad host his own table of family and friends. I'd only go with the head table if he tells people about the relationship by then. Is it really that big of a deal that people know?
    The bolded is what I'd do.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    Yes, avoiding a head table would avoid this whole mess.   Have a sweetheart table, or a King's table where you sit with MOH and her date, and BM and his date.  Then seat everyone else at guest tables near you.

    ETA: but wherever your father sits, she sits next to him.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
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    Agree with others, I would nix the head table and opt for sweetheart or king table.  

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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
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    Sweetheart table is your easiest option
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    I would set it up like this:

    Husband's father
    Husbands step mom
    Your husband
    You
    Dad.
    dad's girlfriend

    And then have the wedding party and their dates if you really want a head table.
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  • KaycieBerchiolliKaycieBerchiolli member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    RebeccaB88 said:
    Ok, that's tough. I think I'd probably have a sweetheart table and let your dad host his own table of family and friends. I'd only go with the head table if he tells people about the relationship by then. Is it really that big of a deal that people know?
    My father is the youngest of his family and has over half a dozen sisters.  When I don't answer my phone for an unexpected but important call it becomes a huge deal and everyone knows, even if I was teaching in class when the call came in I'll be in the hot seat with almost all of them.  My father dating for the first time in over 15 years will be a huge deal and that's what they will all talk about the entire time.   It's weird and stupid, but it's how my family is....even on holidays it's all a gossip fest.

    Other update:  We planned on combining the King Table and Head Table idea.  My MOH is married, the BM is single, the Jr Groomsmaid is his sisters daughter, and the flower girl is our daughter.  We planned to seat everyone who walked down the isle at the same table with spouses.  So us, our daughter, MOH+spouse, BM, Jr Groomsmaid, his sister (walking him in place of his mother), his father+spouse, my father and my grandmother (both are walking me down the isle).  I don't have an issue with seating my father's girlfriend at this table as long as my family has already met her.

    In the end the solution we picked was to sit my dad down and let him know that he either had to stop avoiding the family functions and introduce her to everyone or she couldn't come.  He understood, knowing his siblings and that the talk would turn to how lovely everything was to "who's that sitting with him? OMG is he dating?! Why didn't he tell anyone...rumors begin, etc."  He has since started to introduce her to everyone and has 6 weeks to get the last 5 done since he isn't attending the family reunion with her.

    Thanks for the advice though!  In the end I just needed to stop being a child and voice my view to him.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
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  • chasseusechasseuse member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    wrigleyville said:
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
    I get what you're saying, but I think an adult is within her rights to tell another adult (even her father) that he can't have things both ways, i.e. either make the gf public knowledge or keep her a secret, but if she's a secret then she has no place at the wedding.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    wrigleyville said:
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
    The issue was not that she's his girlfriend, but that he's keeping her a secret from the rest of the family.  And I agree with the PP that that's not appropriate: if he wants his relationship with her acknowledged to the point that she's invited to a major family occasion as his partner, he doesn't get to have it both ways.  He needs to be "out," so to speak, at least with those who will be present at the wedding, that he has such a relationship with this woman.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm a firm believer of giving adults a plus one.  I don't care if the plus one is an outted GF, a private GF, a friend or the guy who cuts his hair.

    As far as where the plus one sits, it's easy.  With the person they came with.   I think you are over-thinking this point.  Everyone will know the only reason the plus one is sitting where they  are is because they are with the guest.   Don't read too much into that.

    Decide where to sit your dad and she sits next to him.  Simple.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I've never seen parents at the head table - usually it's a sweetheart table or B&G with their WP+SOs. I honestly don't really see the "drama" as part of this equation. Seat them with other family...where you'd normally seat your dad. Let him figure out how he wants to introduce her.
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  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Off-topic, but is anyone else still reeling from the fact she was engaged to her ex for 8 years? I understand having a long engagement to save up money for a wedding, but that seems so excessive.
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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    jules3964 said:
    Off-topic, but is anyone else still reeling from the fact she was engaged to her ex for 8 years? I understand having a long engagement to save up money for a wedding, but that seems so excessive.

    I've been engaged for almost 6 years.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    chasseuse said:
    wrigleyville said:
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
    I get what you're saying, but I think an adult is within her rights to tell another adult (even her father) that he can't have things both ways, i.e. either make the gf public knowledge or keep her a secret, but if she's a secret then she has no place at the wedding.
    I disagree.    People should not be forced to "out" themselves publicly to anyone. I don't care if your are using "out" for someone who is gay/lesbian or just having a hetro relationship.  They should be able to publicly tell people when they feel the time is right.  

    That should have no baring on a wedding invite.   Besides he did 'out' himself to his daughter.  The host of the party.  A host should never "force" a guest (and dad is just a guest here)  to publicly out themselves in order to get a plus one.   That is almost blackmail.    They have their reasons and that should be respected.

    The mere fact dad is bringing a date to the wedding at all is going to prompt questions. Regardless of where he sits.   It's almost comical to think the questions are not going to start until people see him at the table.  Geez.  The questions are going to stat LONG before that.    Your father must be aware of that and he will deal with it however he wants.   If someone asked the OP she can just say she is his date and move on.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    chasseuse said:
    wrigleyville said:
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
    I get what you're saying, but I think an adult is within her rights to tell another adult (even her father) that he can't have things both ways, i.e. either make the gf public knowledge or keep her a secret, but if she's a secret then she has no place at the wedding.
    I disagree.    People should not be forced to "out" themselves publicly to anyone. I don't care if your are using "out" for someone who is gay/lesbian or just having a hetro relationship.  They should be able to publicly tell people when they feel the time is right.  

    That should have no baring on a wedding invite.   Besides he did 'out' himself to his daughter.  The host of the party.  A host should never "force" a guest (and dad is just a guest here)  to publicly out themselves in order to get a plus one.   That is almost blackmail.    They have their reasons and that should be respected.

    The mere fact dad is bringing a date to the wedding at all is going to prompt questions. Regardless of where he sits.   It's almost comical to think the questions are not going to start until people see him at the table.  Geez.  The questions are going to stat LONG before that.    Your father must be aware of that and he will deal with it however he wants.   If someone asked the OP she can just say she is his date and move on.
    I don't think anyone takes issue with the fact that the OP's father wants to bring a date or have her seated next to him; I think the issue has been arising that he has been trying to keep the relationship secret and even seems to want it to be secret as of the day of the wedding.  Because the reason he wants this kept secret is a work-related reason (for her) that won't be resolved as of the wedding date, and probably people from their respective workplaces will be there asking questions about why she is his date and seated with him if he wants to keep things secret.  That's where he can't have it both ways.  If he doesn't want "to create problems for her at work" by having to explain that she's his date (or even wants it known), then he will have to make a choice about whether or not she attends the wedding as his date.
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  • jules3964jules3964 member
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    jdluvr06 said:
    jules3964 said:
    Off-topic, but is anyone else still reeling from the fact she was engaged to her ex for 8 years? I understand having a long engagement to save up money for a wedding, but that seems so excessive.

    I've been engaged for almost 6 years.
    Congrats -- you are patient! I only ask because I would be bouncing off the walls ready to get it done. But I spend way too much time planning and focusing on stupid details that even a year thinking about it is just as much as I could handle.
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  • KaycieBerchiolliKaycieBerchiolli member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    chasseuse said:
    wrigleyville said:
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
    I get what you're saying, but I think an adult is within her rights to tell another adult (even her father) that he can't have things both ways, i.e. either make the gf public knowledge or keep her a secret, but if she's a secret then she has no place at the wedding.
    We have a no ring no bring policy.  Only those who are engaged or married or share children come with a date (and it must be that person).  We were already making an exception for him by having her come, which has the potential to upset others who are being told no because our venue can only hold so many people are we both have very large families.  We are only making the exception if she is known to everyone because I don't want already added drama when I'm telling his step siblings and my friends that they cannot bring someone.

    As for making him "out himself" as not being single, he has the option to not bring her.  He was not being given a plus one until he showed up and said he was dating a girl was still engaged and living with her fiance and that she was moving in with him.  He made the choice to date her, move her in and tell my grandmother who was going to stay with him this summer that she can't because he has a new roommate.  She made the choice not to fire her ex and still date his old business partner and friend.  ...It's a really screwed up situation and I'd rather those that know exactly how he knows her be aware that they are dating because he would be otherwise "outed" at the reception (again we have a no ring no bring policy due to two very large families, we have less than 10 friends coming to accommodate our families and none of them get a plus one unless married, engaged, or there are shared children).

    Again, he has the option to not demand she comes.  He was never given a plus one.  I gave him an ultimatum of "if you want me to break the no guest policy for you, then you need to be honest with the family about her because some of them do know who she is and believe she is still engaged to someone else..."  Make me out to be the bad guy if you like, but its a really complicated situation and I found a solution that worked for me and went with it.  If you don't like it and find yourself in the same boat later in life, make a different choice.

    Thanks for all the advice...and all the comments.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    KaycieBerchiolli said:
    chasseuse said:
    wrigleyville said:
    Wait. What? Why wouldn't she be able to come? She's his girlfriend.

    The issue is seating, which you received several solutions for. The answer is NOT, "Your girlfriend can't come." I know you're concerned about gossip, but that was sort of a BS ultimatum.
    I get what you're saying, but I think an adult is within her rights to tell another adult (even her father) that he can't have things both ways, i.e. either make the gf public knowledge or keep her a secret, but if she's a secret then she has no place at the wedding.
    We have a no ring no bring policy.  Only those who are engaged or married or share children come with a date (and it must be that person).  We were already making an exception for him by having her come, which has the potential to upset others who are being told no because our venue can only hold so many people are we both have very large families.  We are only making the exception if she is known to everyone because I don't want already added drama when I'm telling his step siblings and my friends that they cannot bring someone.

    As for making him "out himself" as not being single, he has the option to not bring her.  He was not being given a plus one until he showed up and said he was dating a girl was still engaged and living with her fiance and that she was moving in with him.  He made the choice to date her, move her in and tell my grandmother who was going to stay with him this summer that she can't because he has a new roommate.  She made the choice not to fire her ex and still date his old business partner and friend.  ...It's a really screwed up situation and I'd rather those that know exactly how he knows her be aware that they are dating because he would be otherwise "outed" at the reception (again we have a no ring no bring policy due to two very large families, we have less than 10 friends coming to accommodate our families and none of them get a plus one unless married, engaged, or there are shared children).

    Again, he has the option to not demand she comes.  He was never given a plus one.  I gave him an ultimatum of "if you want me to break the no guest policy for you, then you need to be honest with the family about her because some of them do know who she is and believe she is still engaged to someone else..."  Make me out to be the bad guy if you like, but its a really complicated situation and I found a solution that worked for me and went with it.  If you don't like it and find yourself in the same boat later in life, make a different choice.

    Thanks for all the advice...and all the comments.

    You got some 'splaining to do........
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
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    Are you seriously not inviting the significant others of friends and family members that you know, have spent time with, have been around for years, and maybe even live together, because they are not engaged or married!?!? But you are inviting someone's new husband that you've never met and they've only been together 6 months? That is one of the rudest things I've ever heard. How long have you been with your fiance? How long were you together before you were engaged? Can you imagine being invited to a wedding without him at that point in time? How rude!!!! If you can't fit/afford a significant other for EVERY SINGLE ONE of your guests, then you are inviting too many guests. Period. Done. No exceptions. At all. Ever. (Of course, it's very unlikely that all of your single guests will have a significant other in time for the invites to go out so you very likely won't have to pay for them all, but you better be prepared in case!)
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    uh ohhh..... no ring no bring? Oh dear. You are going to be met with so much wrath on here, and probably secretly, behind your back, from your friends/ family. This is one of my favorite little knottie gems: Why should your friends and family celebrate your love and relationship, if you don't respect theirs?
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  • KaycieBerchiolliKaycieBerchiolli member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Cookie Pusher said:
    KaycieBerchiolli said:
    We have a no ring no bring policy.  Only those who are engaged or married or share children come with a date (and it must be that person).  We were already making an exception for him by having her come, which has the potential to upset others who are being told no because our venue can only hold so many people are we both have very large families.  We are only making the exception if she is known to everyone because I don't want already added drama when I'm telling his step siblings and my friends that they cannot bring someone.

    As for making him "out himself" as not being single, he has the option to not bring her.  He was not being given a plus one until he showed up and said he was dating a girl was still engaged and living with her fiance and that she was moving in with him.  He made the choice to date her, move her in and tell my grandmother who was going to stay with him this summer that she can't because he has a new roommate.  She made the choice not to fire her ex and still date his old business partner and friend.  ...It's a really screwed up situation and I'd rather those that know exactly how he knows her be aware that they are dating because he would be otherwise "outed" at the reception (again we have a no ring no bring policy due to two very large families, we have less than 10 friends coming to accommodate our families and none of them get a plus one unless married, engaged, or there are shared children).

    Again, he has the option to not demand she comes.  He was never given a plus one.  I gave him an ultimatum of "if you want me to break the no guest policy for you, then you need to be honest with the family about her because some of them do know who she is and believe she is still engaged to someone else..."  Make me out to be the bad guy if you like, but its a really complicated situation and I found a solution that worked for me and went with it.  If you don't like it and find yourself in the same boat later in life, make a different choice.

    Thanks for all the advice...and all the comments.
    I am so glad we aren't friends or family, because honestly, I would never want to be anywhere near someone who would treat me this way. DH and I dated for over 10 years before we got engaged. You're basically saying that two people who had a quickie wedding because the woman got pregnant accidentally have a more legitimate, respectable relationship than I did? Oh, hell no. No, no, no.
    It's ok, I generally don't make friends with people who make snap judgments without knowing much about a person.  We basically have no friends or family who are not married or engaged that have been in a relationship longer than 3 months.  We have those that are in long term relationships who are not married but all share children, which is why we are including people who shared children. The average age range for our guests is 50 (there are very few people under 40), most of our family members are either married, in the midst of a divorce, or have children together but no desire to marry.  I'm old enough to know how tacky it is to bring a random person to a wedding and raise that couples bill for everything.  We were very up front about the policy, we had a hard time finding a venue that could fit everyone and was available on that date. We don't have the room and we don't think find it tacky to ask someone not to bring their boyfriend of 2 months, or the guy they've been hanging out at the bar with lately to an already at capacity event.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    ps, OP, if your screen name is your first and last name, I would change it. Internet safety and all that. 
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