Fiance Got Fired...

loveislouder · July 2014

Oh well, everyone handles their stuff differently. He's been looking for a new job for a while now. He got a call this morning for an interview for a jon he really wanted, so he's excited about that

Ndelible · July 2014

Excellent! Hopefully, he can get away from his current job into something better.

loveislouder · July 2014

@scribe95 I understand you don't agree with the way we handled this situation, but I'd appreciate you not making comments like that about my FI.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

afox007 said:

In defense of @loveislouder‌ and her FI I have asked the same thing of Fi. We worked together and got a TON of shit for taking time off for an important doctor appointment if mine. Our manager lost his shit because two of us didn't need to be out because of my medical condition. I was a total pushover with this manager and had FI go raise hell for us with research I provided. Back to the OP I have had similar issues regarding illegal payouts at the restaurant I work for. The owner tries taking it out of our check of we mess up/the kitchen messes up/the customer doesn't like it. I have started documenting each incident; though in a few cases I just split the check pay for the fuck up and eat it.

This makes sense because you both work in the same place and the issue regarded both of you. But in the case of OP she does not work with her FI so it should have been her FI who spoke up for himself. I honestly could not imagine going to my H's work and chewing out his boss. It would make H look bad and me look like a crazy, controlling, irrational wife which would then make his work (if he was still employed) hell.

There is one thing about helping your SO with gathering the necessary research, but any and all confrontation with the boss should be done by the employee, not the wife-to-be.

LakeR2014 · July 2014

@scribe95 that one wasn't really called for

QueerFemme · July 2014

LakeR2014 said:
@scribe95 that one wasn't really called for

Called for? Maybe not. But I'd say pretty much true.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

Not really seeing anything that @scribe95 has said that was uncalled for or rude.

loveislouder · July 2014

If you'd like to disagree with what has happened or call me out, fine, but don't say things about FI. That's what is uncalled for.

morphemes · July 2014

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitchy pants

, I can see why you would want to help. That being said, I probably would have done the research, printed the statute, and handed it to my BF to handle.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

ETA: damn paragraphs

Maggie0829 · July 2014

loveislouder said:

If you'd like to disagree with what has happened or call me out, fine, but don't say things about FI. That's what is uncalled for.

Yeah still not seeing it. You made your FI out as someone who can't fight his own battles so for scribe to question his ability to handle an interview on his own made sense.

QueerFemme · July 2014

I'm not indicating he is less of a man, I'm saying he is less of an adult.

manateehugger · July 2014

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitch pants , I can see why you would want to help.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

I don't see providing legal counsel at all similar to confronting SO's boss because SO is too afraid to stand up for himself. OP didn't have expertise or credentials in any area here it seems like except googling. It was entirely out of line for her to confront her FI's employers on his behalf - unless she has failed to mention she has a JD. Even then in this situation though, I would expect her to hand him the information, coach him, and send him off.

I personally think it makes someone less of a grown ass adult, regardless of gender, when they have to call in for back up to have a necessary conversation with his or her boss.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

What would you think of a woman who called in her husband to intercede on her behalf at her place of employment? It's not a woman/man thing. It's a maturity thing.

morphemes · July 2014

NYCMercedes said:

What would you think of a woman who called in her husband to intercede on her behalf at her place of employment? It's not a woman/man thing. It's a maturity thing.

Absolutely! What I found disheartening were all the comments indicating that gender was, in fact, playing in to people's view on that.

I agree that confronting your boss about mistreatment is a necessary adult skill. However, I also know it's hard to do that, especially the first time and it sounds like this was the first time the boss was confronted on this issue. I hope this was a learning experience for everyone involved.

Jells2dot0 · July 2014

I have had the opposite happen- twice! I got into a confrontation with my bosses and when the dust settled, the bosses went to my DH to apologize to me, not to me directly!! DH was involved in one of the incidents, but not the other. Um, I deserve the apology and the recognition personally! Needless to say, I was beyond pissed and I was a little upset at DH for not flat out stopping these people and redirecting them to me. I guess my bitchy pants scared these guys!

Anyway, every relationship has its own dynamic. What works for some, might not work for others. My DH would be beyond pissed if I barged into his office on his behalf, but I won't judge someone who does if it's what they both agreed on and what was comfortable for them. If there is fall out, then they can deal with that together in the way that best suits them.

thisismynickname2 · July 2014

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitchy pants , I can see why you would want to help. That being said, I probably would have done the research, printed the statute, and handed it to my BF to handle.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

ETA: damn paragraphs

If the genders were reversed, it would be the same. I work in higher ed with mostly adult students, and mostly women. When husbands are authorized to speak about their wife's academic record, I cringe. When they call in about their records and they're not authorized, I cringe. When a woman says she has to talk to her husband, I cringe. People should be able to fight their own battles regardless of gender. And yes, the whole situation described by OP sounds atrocious and like a cover-up is occurring, and I do wish him luck in securing a better position. What's done is done.

mysticl · July 2014

thisismynickname said:

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitchy pants , I can see why you would want to help. That being said, I probably would have done the research, printed the statute, and handed it to my BF to handle.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

ETA: damn paragraphs

If the genders were reversed, it would be the same. I work in higher ed with mostly adult students, and mostly women. When husbands are authorized to speak about their wife's academic record, I cringe. When they call in about their records and they're not authorized, I cringe. When a woman says she has to talk to her husband, I cringe. People should be able to fight their own battles regardless of gender. And yes, the whole situation described by OP sounds atrocious and like a cover-up is occurring, and I do wish him luck in securing a better position. What's done is done.

I say this sometimes just to buy myself thinking time. Also, if it's something that involves money or changes to the family schedule there is good reason to talk to her husband and there would also be good reason for a man to talk to his wife.

I once gave my mother authorization to obtain information regarding my academic record in college. I needed it by a certain deadline and I was in the hospital so I couldn't go to the registrar's office and get it myself. Sometimes there is a very good reason for giving someone else access.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

loveislouder said:

If you'd like to disagree with what has happened or call me out, fine, but don't say things about FI. That's what is uncalled for.

If you are posting this story about your FI on a public forum, then I think you have opened both yourself and your FI up for whatever criticism he might receive.

No one called him a name, there was nothing uncalled for going on.

lyndausvi · July 2014

PDKH said:

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitch pants , I can see why you would want to help.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

I don't see providing legal counsel at all similar to confronting SO's boss because SO is too afraid to stand up for himself. OP didn't have expertise or credentials in any area here it seems like except googling. It was entirely out of line for her to confront her FI's employers on his behalf - unless she has failed to mention she has a JD. Even then in this situation though, I would expect her to hand him the information, coach him, and send him off.

I personally think it makes someone less of a grown ass adult, regardless of gender, when they have to call in for back up to have a necessary conversation with his or her boss.

***** STIB *****

That was my comment. To be fair, if the rolls were reversed I would have commented by saying "mommy or husband to fight her battles". I was commenting specifically on this case.

I have no problem helping. Like I said, my own husband was wrongfully fired. I did a lot of research, contacted a lawyer and offered general support. But I draw the line at a boss' office and demand his job back. That is his job as the employee and an adult. In DH's case he didn't even want the job back. He lost all respect for the manager and the company as a whole.

Considering the OP's FI is already on new interviews he doesn't want to stay either.

Another thing to consider is long term implication. In DH's career world things like this will follow you to another job. DH got fired in NOLA, now we are in CO. One of the managers under him DH inherited when he took this job. Just so happens DH and this manager have mutual friends. 2 of those friends worked with the manager in AZ. We know those same friends from the Virgin Islands. Completely random. I can tell you many more stores like that. We find professional connections all the time. It's kind-of weird since we move to some random places.

You do not want to be know throughout your career as the person who's spouse stormed into your boss's office to fight your battle. I don't care what gender you are.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

PDKH said:

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitch pants , I can see why you would want to help.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

I don't see providing legal counsel at all similar to confronting SO's boss because SO is too afraid to stand up for himself. OP didn't have expertise or credentials in any area here it seems like except googling. It was entirely out of line for her to confront her FI's employers on his behalf - unless she has failed to mention she has a JD. Even then in this situation though, I would expect her to hand him the information, coach him, and send him off.

I personally think it makes someone less of a grown ass adult, regardless of gender, when they have to call in for back up to have a necessary conversation with his or her boss.

This. It has nothing to do with gender at all, and everything to do with simply acting like an adult and being assertive for one's own well being.

misshart00 · July 2014

mysticl said:

thisismynickname said:

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitchy pants , I can see why you would want to help. That being said, I probably would have done the research, printed the statute, and handed it to my BF to handle.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

ETA: damn paragraphs

If the genders were reversed, it would be the same. I work in higher ed with mostly adult students, and mostly women. When husbands are authorized to speak about their wife's academic record, I cringe. When they call in about their records and they're not authorized, I cringe. When a woman says she has to talk to her husband, I cringe.

People should be able to fight their own battles regardless of gender.

And yes, the whole situation described by OP sounds atrocious and like a cover-up is occurring, and I do wish him luck in securing a better position. What's done is done.

I say this sometimes just to buy myself thinking time. Also, if it's something that involves money or changes to the family schedule there is good reason to talk to her husband and there would also be good reason for a man to talk to his wife.

I once gave my mother authorization to obtain information regarding my academic record in college. I needed it by a certain deadline and I was in the hospital so I couldn't go to the registrar's office and get it myself. Sometimes there is a very good reason for giving someone else access.

I agree with mysticl. I often have to talk to my husband about things, because it means changes in our budget or schedule. I think that's very different than having him fight my battles.

And I gave authorization for him to get my academic records because he had a few days off where he could go get things I needed while the registrars office was open and I couldn't take off work.

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

Honestly I thought the Op was a lawyer. But it sounds like all the other managers can't stand up for themselves either, if they all agreed to pay up each time...

loveislouder · July 2014

How is he being boneheaded because he asked for help? That's what I'm not understanding.

lyndausvi · July 2014

loveislouder said:

How is he being boneheaded because he asked for help? That's what I'm not understanding.

There is a difference between asking for help and fighting in the ring.

Apollo Creed HELPED Rocky prepare for the fight in Rocky III, but he didn't get in the ring to fight the actual fight.

manateehugger · July 2014

loveislouder said:

How is he being boneheaded because he asked for help? That's what I'm not understanding.

Asking you for your help is completely reasonable and appropriate. I ask my H for advice and help with work, life, friendships, everything else. Hell, I still even call my mom for advice.

Asking you to confront his bosses for him, IMHO, show immaturity. I still cannot understand why on earth you would charge in to confront people you don't work for and don't know.

If you are better at confrontation than him, that's totally fair. In that case, I would expect you to sit down with him, figure it out, and basically give him a script to work from. Empower him, don't sit him on the bench while you take over. Seriously, how is he ever going to get better at confrontation if you take over for him?

Maggie0829 · July 2014

loveislouder said:

How is he being boneheaded because he asked for help? That's what I'm not understanding.

There is nothing wrong with him asking for your help. What is wrong is him allowing you to fight his battle with his boss instead of him sticking up for himself. That is what people have the problem with. ETA: I will explain further. You providing him research is fine. You coaching him on what to say is fine. But you going to his place of employment and yelling at his boss is not fine.

QueerFemme · July 2014

My partner has a vagina, and I still wouldn't confront anyone's boss except my own. This isn't about gender.

thisismynickname2 · July 2014

misshart00 said:

thisismynickname said:

morphemes said:

I understand where you're coming from OP. I would honestly be hard-pressed to deny BF any sort of help, especially help he specifically requested. I actually represented BF in an unemployment court claim (in Wi law students can advocate in unemployment hearings for clients) and in that case I told BF he couldn't talk to his former employer at all, but I certainly spoke to them. Maybe it's slightly different because this was a legal issue, but I see where you're coming from. If you have expertise in a certain area, whether it's the law or bitchy pants , I can see why you would want to help. That being said, I probably would have done the research, printed the statute, and handed it to my BF to handle.

Honestly, I'm really disheartened by the comments about this making OP's fi feel like "less of a man" or needing his "mommy or wife to fight his battles". Ummmm what? So a woman standing up for a man makes him less of a man? Is there something wrong with a man asking for help? Much less asking for help from a woman. Is that something that should lower a person's respect for him?! If so, those are not people I would want to be connected with anyway. Maybe now everyone will say it would be the same if genders were reversed, but honestly no examples of that situation were offered here and I had the general notion that the ladies and gents on this forum were a little more open-minded about gender stereotypes. Please don't prove me wrong on that.

ETA: damn paragraphs

If the genders were reversed, it would be the same. I work in higher ed with mostly adult students, and mostly women. When husbands are authorized to speak about their wife's academic record, I cringe. When they call in about their records and they're not authorized, I cringe. When a woman says she has to talk to her husband, I cringe. People should be able to fight their own battles regardless of gender. And yes, the whole situation described by OP sounds atrocious and like a cover-up is occurring, and I do wish him luck in securing a better position. What's done is done.

I say this sometimes just to buy myself thinking time. Also, if it's something that involves money or changes to the family schedule there is good reason to talk to her husband and there would also be good reason for a man to talk to his wife.

I once gave my mother authorization to obtain information regarding my academic record in college. I needed it by a certain deadline and I was in the hospital so I couldn't go to the registrar's office and get it myself. Sometimes there is a very good reason for giving someone else access.
I agree with mysticl. I often have to talk to my husband about things, because it means changes in our budget or schedule. I think that's very different than having him fight my battles. And I gave authorization for him to get my academic records because he had a few days off where he could go get things I needed while the registrars office was open and I couldn't take off work.

Yes, there are perfectly reasonable concerns to consult your husband about academically, but I was speaking very generally and alluding to worrisome things I've seen in my role in higher ed. I'm referencing the times when I've seen women in positions with evidently no control over their own lives or zero ability/confidence in advocating for themselves. I don't have issues with hospital stays or matters of other convenience.

As another PP said, it's about acting like a grown adult regardless of gender. That's what I like to see.

manateehugger · July 2014

@thisismynickname - I'm just curious about what you mean. Do you have an example?

I discuss pretty much everything with H that would mean a change in our day-to-day.

AddieCake · July 2014

I discuss anything that affects both of us with my husband, just as he discusses anything that affects both of us with me.

Fiance Got Fired...

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