BSC or Normal?

justbeingme93 · July 2014

Good Morning, Ladies!

So, I know that I could be opening up the flood gates for criticism, but I want some feedback from all of you. My BF and I have been dating for six and a half years. We have had serious conversations about our future, and we know that we do not want to get engaged any time soon. We both have a lot of goals (e.g., personal, academic, financial, etc.) we want to accomplish before we take that next step. Now, this next part is where I might catch some flack. Did any of you ladies hate calling your SO "Boyfriend" or "Girlfriend". This just started to bother me recently, and I know that it shouldn't. I should not let a stupid title bother me. I realize I am being completely petty. Maybe I just need to vent to all of you to get rid of this stupid feeling.

I just feel that my BF means so much more to me than what "BF" implies. I had to write down emergency contact numbers on some paperwork a few months ago, and the woman who was walking me through the paperwork asked what my relation was to that particular contact number. I am assuming she thought it was my dad or brother. I explain that he was my BF, and she gave me this look like she disapproved of my decision to include him on the list...like he wasn't important. That bothered me a lot. I have been with this man for so many years, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. "BF" does not correctly identify what he means to me. Does that make any sense or have I lost my mind? Have any of you experienced this petty feeling?

ShallowSeas · July 2014

I felt the same way you did. 'Boyfriend' was so weird for me to say. At the beginning it was okay but once we were really serious it just didn't feel right. I felt exactly like you did; the term 'boyfriend' wasn't strong enough to describe him. I personally don't look at someone's BF as less than a FI or H because I know that's not always the case. When FI was my BF, he was more than that to me and it was serious even though he wasn't my FI yet, but I know a lot of people do take a BF title less serious and thats sad.

I'm almost that way with using FI now.

eilis1228 · July 2014

I don't think that's crazy. I remember having the same thoughts for a long time about FI. Listing him as "boyfriend" on forms like that always seemed to make our relationship seem less legit than a married couple'. The terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" have an immature connotation to them. You could always list him as your partner instead.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

You're not crazy, I felt the same way. H and I were together for roughly 6.5 years before we were married. After the first few years "boyfriend" just seemed an odd term for how I felt about him. Plus, he was in his 30s and I was in my late 20s, so "boyfriend" just sounded immature to me.

Thinking about other terms, I've never found a good one. "Significant Other" seems the best I guess, but it sounds so removed. "Partner" or "Life Partner" sounds like an alternative life style.

"Boyfriend/Girlfriend" just seems to imply a shorter term relationship and that's not what we were. It was especially a sore spot for me when I was still calling him "Boyfriend" while other friends had met, dated and married their "husbands" long after I'd met my "boyfriend". (even though we were in no rush to get married, the title seemed to imply we'd been together less time and had a less significant relationship)

I guess it's just one of those things you get over. I knew we had reasons we were waiting for marriage and we were happy. After a little while, you learn to have confidence in what you have and don't worry so much about the title or what other people assume it means.

LizzyTish88 · July 2014

I understand this feeling all to well and I had the same strange comments when I listed BF as my beneficiary at my new job. I wasn't going to but we came to the decision to make each other beneficiaries after we bought the house so that if anything happened the other person could pay off the house. It's just a basic plan, but I wouldn't want him going house poor if something were to happen to me.

I agree that the term sounds juvenile and there is nothing that's really "right" for describing our relationship. The worst was when BF's father died while I was working at my other job and my boss had to beg the HR director that he was in all senses my FIL and that I should be able to get paid bereavement. I was granted three days (the same time I would have had for an aunt/uncle/cousin/distant family member) and was able to take the rest of the time off using personal time. They were very close to saying that I wasn't going to be able to get anything or use my own time. Had we been married/engaged, I would have had 5 bereavement days.

justbeingme93 · July 2014

@severmilli12

Thank you so much for you kind words and feedback. I wasn't sure what to expect when I made this thread. I didn't know if I needed a swift kick in the butt or if I was having a normal reaction. I don't blame people for not taking the terms "boyfriend" or girlfriend" seriously. I get it. It lacks permanence. Unfortunately, I will just have to let people think what they want to think.

@eilis1228

I think listing it on forms is when I hate it the most. I feel like I should be able to write "Boyfriend-This is not a test". Lol. He is the real deal.

justbeingme93 · July 2014

allusive007 said:

You're not crazy, I felt the same way. H and I were together for roughly 6.5 years before we were married. After the first few years "boyfriend" just seemed an odd term for how I felt about him. Plus, he was in his 30s and I was in my late 20s, so "boyfriend" just sounded immature to me.
Thinking about other terms, I've never found a good one. "Significant Other" seems the best I guess, but it sounds so removed. "Partner" or "Life Partner" sounds like an alternative life style.
"Boyfriend/Girlfriend" just seems to imply a shorter term relationship and that's not what we were. It was especially a sore spot for me when I was still calling him "Boyfriend" while other friends had met, dated and married their "husbands" long after I'd met my "boyfriend". (even though we were in no rush to get married, the title seemed to imply we'd been together less time and had a less significant relationship)
I guess it's just one of those things you get over. I knew we had reasons we were waiting for marriage and we were happy. After a little while, you learn to have confidence in what you have and don't worry so much about the title or what other people assume it means.

I think this might be the root of my problem. A lot of my friends and family and starting to get to the age where they find a SO and take the next step fairly quickly. I know we will not be taking the next step anytime soon, and I get frustrated when our very solid, mature relationship gets treated "less than" a couple who met, quickly got engaged, and married. How is that rational? (I hope my rambling made sense.)

justbeingme93 · July 2014

@caseface5

I haven't been put in a situation like that yet, but I feel like that would put me over the edge. Then, I would be a little BSC. Sometimes family isn't blood or legally bound. How did your SO feel when that all happened? Did he ever feel like your title wasn't enough?

LizzyTish88 · July 2014

@justbeingme93 He was upset, but he was dealing with so much other stuff at the time that he didn't speak to it much. He knew it wasn't fair and he was very happy when my work came around. I didn't even really need the 5 days, I just needed to be able to take my own time to be with him. That place of work was bonkers. Thankfully the place I work now is much more considerate so we shouldn't have that issue again.

luckya23 · July 2014

Personally, I have never felt that way about the terms bf/gf. I've also been with other boyfriends ages longer than I have been with this one!

Now fiance, I'm just not a big fan of that word. I don't think I've said it more than 5 times, and I'm kind of weirded out when SO says it. Even on here, I won't use the accepted "FI". I'm old school craigslist forums and SO or even FH are where it's at!

I think your age plays into the perception of commitment level too. My BF when I was 18 was certainly looked upon less seriously in general than the one I dated at 28, regardless of how I felt about each. I don't think anyone would question me at my age about putting down a BF as an emergency contact! lol

phira · July 2014

When I called J my boyfriend, I felt like I was in high school, and it felt like my relationship wasn't very serious. I never feel that way about other people's boyfriends or girlfriends, but when I would hear myself say, "This is my boyfriend, J," I just felt like I was fifteen years old.

I tend to call him my fiancé now, but before we were engaged, I defaulted to partner, and I sometimes still do.

Partner still felt weird to say--and a lot of people thought I was gay--but it felt better than boyfriend.

justbeingme93 · July 2014

@phira

You bring up an interesting point. Maybe the problem isn't what other people think. Maybe the problem is the way I feel about it. My BF and I started dating when we were quite young. During those early years, It didn't phase me one bit calling him my BF. I think I struggle with the idea that he has been and is such a huge part of my life and we haven't moved past the first stage of our relationship we started 6 1/2 years ago.

LizzyTish88 · July 2014

Kelani23 said:

Personally, I have never felt that way about the terms bf/gf. I've also been with other boyfriends ages longer than I have been with this one!
Now fiance, I'm just not a big fan of that word. I don't think I've said it more than 5 times, and I'm kind of weirded out when SO says it. Even on here, I won't use the accepted "FI". I'm old school craigslist forums and SO or even FH are where it's at!
I think your age plays into the perception of commitment level too. My BF when I was 18 was certainly looked upon less seriously in general than the one I dated at 28, regardless of how I felt about each. I don't think anyone would question me at my age about putting down a BF as an emergency contact! lol

I actually think the opposite. When I was younger saying BF was acceptable. Now that I am 26 and we live together, it feels worse that some people don't take our relationship as seriously because there isn't a ring or we don't have the same last name. And although we are taking about engagement and marriage now, I feel like it will only get worse the older we get.

Swazzle · July 2014

I get that. I remember filling out medical forms and putting him down as my emergency contact and then noticing they would change "boyfriend" to "friend" and I would get really annoyed. No, he's not JUST my friend. We live together and are planning to spend the rest of our lives together, he isn't just my friend. I really liked when I could finally call him my fiance. Hearing myself say husband now sometimes feels strange. Not necessarily in a bad way but more of like a "that sounds really adult" way and I don't feel like an adult most of the time.

justbeingme93 · July 2014

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@caseface5 "I actually think the opposite. When I was younger saying BF was acceptable. Now that I am 26 and we live together, it feels worse that some people don't take our relationship as seriously because there isn't a ring or we don't have the same last name. And although we are taking about engagement and marriage now, I feel like it will only get worse the older we get."

PREACH.

morphemes · July 2014

I definitely don't think your crazy for feeling this way! I call my boyfriend my partner. We live together, we share finances, we've been together for about 2 years and we're serious. We don't have any plans to get married any time soon, but he definitely feels more serious than "boyfriend".

I know that "partner" is often used in gay relationships, but I don't feel that it's exclusive to gay relationships, anyone can have a partner. If we do get married, he'll be my husband, but he'll still be my partner (if that makes sense). I don't think anyone assumes I'm in a gay relationship when I refer to my partner, but if they do it doesn't bother me.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2014

Don't you dare start calling him "manpanion."

That's all I've got.

Peaseblossom55 · July 2014

Swazzle said:

I get that. I remember filling out medical forms and putting him down as my emergency contact and then noticing they would change "boyfriend" to "friend" and I would get really annoyed. No, he's not JUST my friend. We live together and are planning to spend the rest of our lives together, he isn't just my friend. I really liked when I could finally call him my fiance. Hearing myself say husband now sometimes feels strange. Not necessarily in a bad way but more of like a "that sounds really adult" way and I don't feel like an adult most of the time.

All of the above saying husband is so strange I said it on the phone yesterday and my thought was "My God your getting old and now you have a husband...."

phira · July 2014

morphemes said:

I definitely don't think your crazy for feeling this way! I call my boyfriend my partner. We live together, we share finances, we've been together for about 2 years and we're serious. We don't have any plans to get married any time soon, but he definitely feels more serious than "boyfriend".

I know that "partner" is often used in gay relationships, but I don't feel that it's exclusive to gay relationships, anyone can have a partner. If we do get married, he'll be my husband, but he'll still be my partner (if that makes sense). I don't think anyone assumes I'm in a gay relationship when I refer to my partner, but if they do it doesn't bother me.

I did have a few people (including some people here!) confirm to me at some point or another that they thought I might be in a same-sex relationship. But the consequences were exactly nothing (although, to be fair, I live in the Northeast US).

bethsmiles · July 2014

I've never had a problem with saying boyfriend. But I have several friends who are also in long-term relationships (4+ years) and use the term boyfriend/girlfriend. And I've never felt like people take us less seriously because of the term boyfriend.

buttercup1958 · July 2014

I know what you mean. I still call V my boyfriend but I always wonder if I'll change that as we get older. I guess the most annoying part is when people look down on your relationship. I had a peer say we are still in the "honymoon phase" and we won't be serious until we have been together as long as her and her boyfriend have. I felt a bit of rage, I mean who are you to define if my relationship is serious or not. We have been through some downs but we have always talked and worked our problems. We have had future in depth talks about life changing choices. He isn't just a flavor of the month. So yeah I know how you feel about stuff like that!

AuroraRose41 · July 2014

caseface5 said:

show previous quotes

Kelani23 said:

Personally, I have never felt that way about the terms bf/gf. I've also been with other boyfriends ages longer than I have been with this one!
Now fiance, I'm just not a big fan of that word. I don't think I've said it more than 5 times, and I'm kind of weirded out when SO says it. Even on here, I won't use the accepted "FI". I'm old school craigslist forums and SO or even FH are where it's at!
I think your age plays into the perception of commitment level too. My BF when I was 18 was certainly looked upon less seriously in general than the one I dated at 28, regardless of how I felt about each. I don't think anyone would question me at my age about putting down a BF as an emergency contact! lol

I actually think the opposite. When I was younger saying BF was acceptable. Now that I am 26 and we live together, it feels worse that some people don't take our relationship as seriously because there isn't a ring or we don't have the same last name. And although we are taking about engagement and marriage now, I feel like it will only get worse the older we get.

@caseface, this is exactly how I currently feel too. BF and I have stable jobs and are better off then most people our age, and live in a gorgeous high rise apartment downtown. We have become friends with some of our neighbors, but they are all in their early 30's and married. They actually referred to us as husband and wife, and once when we corrected them and said "No, he/she is my BF/GF.", they kind of gave us a look like "Oh. How cute.". We both found it really annoying, and I even had this exact conversation with BF about how I wish there was a better term for conveying that we are in a serious relationship and intend to get married eventually, just not right now.

jenna8984 · July 2014

I don't think I ever really felt like that. For the first 6 months after we got engaged, I kept calling him my boyfriend. I just don't care for the term fiance, I don't know why. And I honestly don't think it holds any more importance than boyfriend. I have a few friends who have been "engaged" for years with no actual plans or date or get married. It's almost like they just took that step to get people off their their back or please each other with the title. But if they really wanted to go through with it, they would have by now. So in a way, I find fiance holds the same connotations as boyfriend.

(I don't mean that in any offense to anyone who has a long engagement. I just personally feel when you ask someone, and when you accept from someone, you are saying you're ready- let's do this. If you're going to say yes then sit around and not do it for 10 years, maybe you weren't ready to say yes. )

A woman from my work has been with her man for 26 years. They have a 24 year old son, they are happy, they love each other, they are a family, never been with anyone else. They are not legally married. I've never once heard her use the term boyfriend, but she doesn't say husband either. She just says his name when referring to him.

Blue & White · July 2014

@jenna8984 almost thirty years ago now, but H's godparents actually only got married because their son came home from kindergarten with a story that he told his teacher his parents weren't married lol. Good ol' early 80s parent guilt?

loves2shop4shoes · July 2014

Also, I was just thinking how funny it is that there are constantly insecurities, no matter what stage you're at. After I got married, I feel like single people I'd meet would automatically think I was less fun because I was an OMH.

phira · July 2014

loves2shop4shoes said:

Also, I was just thinking how funny it is that there are constantly insecurities, no matter what stage you're at. After I got married, I feel like single people I'd meet would automatically think I was less fun because I was an OMH.

This this this this.

Like I said, I never really have any thoughts one way or the other when someone calls their significant other their boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't think of their relationship as "not serious" by default. But I had those insecurities before I was engaged.

Now that I'm engaged, I don't like calling J my fiancé. Some of it is because it's temporary and I figure I might as well just transition from "partner" to "husband." But a lot of it is because I feel like suuuuuch an attention whore. Like, "Well, my fiancé--because I'm getting married--said ..."

Aaaand I'm pretty sure when I married, it's going to feel the same way.

eilis1228 · July 2014

@phira I know what you mean about the AW aspect of the title "fiance." Every time I refer to FI as FI, people immediately say, "Oh, congratulations!" For example, yesterday I did the move out walk through of the old apartment with a guy from the leasing office. He asked why we moved, and I said, "My fiance's commute was..." and then mid-sentence he interrupted with, "Congratulations!" All I was trying to say was my fiance's commute was too long... not at all trying to AW the new title...

@loves2shop4shoes That makes sense. People always complain about "acting like an old married couple" because married couples apparently can't be exciting or outgoing. Interesting how there are so many different connotations for relationship stages. BF/GF = immature; FI = ohhhh exciting! Wedding planning!; H/W= old and boring

ShallowSeas · July 2014

phira said:

show previous quotes

loves2shop4shoes said:

Also, I was just thinking how funny it is that there are constantly insecurities, no matter what stage you're at. After I got married, I feel like single people I'd meet would automatically think I was less fun because I was an OMH.

This this this this.

Like I said, I never really have any thoughts one way or the other when someone calls their significant other their boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't think of their relationship as "not serious" by default. But I had those insecurities before I was engaged.

Now that I'm engaged, I don't like calling J my fiancé. Some of it is because it's temporary and I figure I might as well just transition from "partner" to "husband." But a lot of it is because I feel like suuuuuch an attention whore. Like, "Well, my fiancé--because I'm getting married--said ..."

Aaaand I'm pretty sure when I married, it's going to feel the same way.

I totally get this. Its almost like a bragging title. I have felt that way before when calling him my fiance

beanbot2002 · July 2014

I get it. I feel weird calling him 'Boyfriend' or 'the father of my children'. LOL I'm lucky that in spanish we have an in-between kind of word. Mi Compañero...which literally translates to my companion. It's a term we use to indicate someone who is a significant other that one might live with, have children with, etc. more serious than a boyfriend, but not yet a FI or spouse.

ETA: of course this only works when I'm talking to someone in spanish haha

loves2shop4shoes · July 2014

In Portuguese, a man can call a woman his "Maria," which can mean anything from fuckbuddy to wife.

eilis1228 · July 2014

^^^ That Carlos Santana song has so many new meanings now...

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