Please! Help me stay sane...

joy14bw · July 2014

Any advice on how to keep my BSC at bay so SO can have time to himself and hopefully reevaluate us and remember why he fell in love with me? I definitely don't want to slip up and make things worse.

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split?

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime?

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile?

I’ve confided a lot with my married girlfriends, who I thought had perfect marriages. They laughed at me and said marriage is never perfect. They all had splits at some point while either dating, engaged or married. It blew my mind…I had no clue. I honestly thought if SO/DH/FI was your person you never let it get that far….but obviously I did. :-/

Just trying to stay as positive as possible and keep busy without burdening my friends since they all have young babies!

[Deleted User] · July 2014

my H and I split while we were dating. it just wasn't the right timing for us. we did reconcile, after H apologized to me for the awful behavior on his end. we learned a lot of about ourselves and the other person after going through that.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I guess I'm not quite sure what's going on with you and your SO but I hope whatever has happened is worked through between you both. Stay positive : )

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split?

No, H and I never have split throughout dating, engagement, or marriage.

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime?

If H ever needed some space then I would respect that. H isn't like that though, he is the type that is constantly wanting to be around me. If I did need to though, I would try to focus on what I could do to better our marriage/relationship.

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile?

If H and I ever get in an argument, we always come back to reconcile. Even if it wasn't one or the other's fault, forgiveness is huge.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

my H and I have really learned how to communicate. our problem at the time that we split was that my H wasn't at a point where he could have a committed relationship. he had some growing to do, and I was trying to force it on him.

Blue & White · July 2014

1) I didn't split with my H ever. We've been through a lot of really weird shit and have shown that we're good together even in stressful situations. 2) I keep myself busy whether or not we are split with crafting and cooking. I'm currently cross stitching stockings for my sisters and their SOs lol, by request. I may get one set of hubs/wife done before this Christmas, but I warned them it would take forever. 3) My ex from college and I didn't get back together. We broke up because he wanted the typical college life (drinking, sex, drugs, partying) and I didn't (I wanted the college life that got me out of college with good grades so I could get to grad school.) The main reason we didn't get back together was the same reason we broke up - he ended up dropping out of college and moving five hours away back home. He was also a republican, lol, which wasn't an issue at the time, but I could see it being an issue now that I've grown into a bit of a liberal (to say the least). It sounds like this break was more...your SO's idea? One thing you want to keep in mind if you do get back together is not to blame ONLY him for this break. Obviously, you are both in a transition and need to figure out what's happening in your own lives before possibly combining them.

Blue & White · July 2014

I'm sorry my post is stupid because of TK IT being awful.

bethsmiles · July 2014

BF and I have never split but we went through a really rough patch a couple years ago and there were times when I thought we might not make it. All relationships have their low points, even if those low points don't involve splitting up.

Dignity100 · July 2014

FI and I went through a rough spot. I had a goal and such and he didn't have the same goal/passion as I did at that time and things got a little rough. Basically I think I was starting to feel that I didn't have a life outside of our relationship. We never split and we just worked through it, he gave me a little more space. Now that I think about it - I think I just felt stuck in a rut - FI and I worked together and everyday was the same. We both have since changed jobs and have gotten closer.

justbeingme93 · July 2014

@es14bw

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split?

Yes, my BF and I broke up for about 4 months after dating for two years. I was the one who ended it. It was not because he cheated, i cheated, we didn't like each other, or anything like that. There was not one moment or incident that changed my mind about him. I just knew that I needed time to think about us and where we were going. He really didn't like me (He dislikes the word "hate". He thinks it is too harsh. lol) for a long time. It was so difficult because I was the one who brought on my own heartbreak. It was a difficult time for both of us, but we needed it! He learned a lot about himself. I learned a lot about me, and we learned a lot about "us" as a couple. Once we decided to get back together, I knew it was a big decision to commit to. I was committing for the long haul, and I felt very confident that I was making the right decision. I knew what it was like without him, and I was able to recognize that no one could replace the way he makes me feel. That breakup is what we needed. When we hit rough patches now...I just think back to that time when we were apart. Thinking back to our breakup reassures me that we are both better together.

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime?

I kept myself busy by improving myself. I worked out, read a lot of books, went out with the girls, etc. Just do whatever you need to do. I suggest taking up a hobby.

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile?

I was the person who broke it off, and yes i did. It is important to remember though that when/if y'all get back together you need to sit down and talk seriously about what you learned during your time apart. You need to communicate with each other about how you felt and still feel. Additionally, make an agreement that what is done..is done. Neither of you should use the breakup as leverage or as a "card "to pull out during future arguments.

joy14bw · July 2014

@southernpeach89 - The fight was my fault. Every time we hang with his best friend (who he lives with) the friend would make comments about how SO is never around anymore. I'm not sure if he does this all the time but I hear it at least once every single time I see him.
last Thur, SO was up buying food at Bingo and the friend told another friend "yeah he is never around to swim at our place anymore" and I got so mad...like he was deliberately blaming me. When we got home I didn't want to go out with his friends for drinks and I blew up. Then when I cooled down his friend got home and walked in on us trying to cool things over and I just walked out of the house. I couldn't be in front of the friend that vulnerable. I was just so mad at him.
SO took that as me being pissed again and he got pissed. I came back in and cried myself to sleep but we didn't talk again til a 5min phone convo on Fri and then a short visit on Monday where he said he needed to be alone.

@justbeingme93 - wow thank you for sharing. I will definitely take all you've said to heart. I definitely plan to work on me. Have my therapy tomorrow and hopefully I can gear it away from SO and just talk about my issues (like how to deal with complicated people attached to people I love)

[Deleted User] · July 2014

@es14bw -I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds like a difficult situation. I definitely think taking some time for both of you to cool off would be good but ultimately, if this is the man you see yourself marrying...it's important to talk to him about this. Having his friends attached at the hip is a complicated thing especially when they live with him. I think this isn't necessarily something that he should be pissed with you about either. In my opinion you come before his friends (since y'all plan to marry some day) and your feelings should be extremely important to him. I hope this came out clearly lol.

bethsmiles · July 2014

I can totally relate to the friends issue. Mine and BF's lowest point mostly revolved around issues with his friends. They decided I was changing him (couldn't be that we met in college in a different state and he was just changing the way most people that age do) and leading him away from God (that was just such a WTF thing).

BF often thought I was being too sensitive to things and sometimes I probably was but eventually we both learned how to handle it. I'm less sensitive about things but BF also takes my concerns much more seriously. Friends can add stress and complexity to a relationship. It sucks but it's something that can be worked through. Communication was the key to BF and I working through our problems.

I'm sorry this is sort of a rambling mess...

joy14bw · July 2014

@Bethsmiles - Thanks, I think that's a lot of what I need to work on...not being so sensitive to what his friend says.
I should've just said, "sorry he isn't around because he's busy getting laid!" then laughed it off like his friend always does. I probably would have felt better and been ready to go home for sex.

Damn, why can't I think rationally in the moment.

bethsmiles · July 2014

It's a difficult thing to balance for sure. You don't want to be overly sensitive but I absolutly agree with @southernpeach89 that you come before his friends. Your feelings are valid, it hurts to have someone making little digs wherever they can about your relationship. I don't think it's entirely fair for your BF to be this upset about it. It's clearly something the two of you need to communicate about and work on but you should absolutly come before his friends.

labro · July 2014

I'm sorry to hear about the things going on with your SO. It sounds like his friends are really immature with all the comments on how he is never around anymore, etc. etc. That's not ok. If you guys are planning to marry someday, you come first, and then his friends. He needs to stick up for you when they say those things. If he isn't, then this is something you need to talk about in the future if/when you reconcile and if he continues to not stand up for you and your relationship then I'm not sure if this is the right person for you...

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split?

No, no during engagement or our dating relationship. I will give the story with my ex-SO in college though.

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime?

I was living a few hours away from my grandparents at the time and needed some space so I temporarily left the house we lived in together for my grandparents home instead.

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile?

I did. I don't even remember the promises he made or what he said he would do to be a better SO anymore. I found out he had cheated on me with an ex-roommate and after multiple emotional conversations I decided to give him a second chance. This was a bad decision as the cheating continued (with other women). I broke up with him for good 2 months later and it was the best decision I ever made.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I don't really see the problem (from what I've gathered by your story) is really a deal-breaker. to be completely honest, I think that both of you overreacted in the heat of the moment, and that it could be a reflection of a deeper issue lurking beneath the surface that needs to be addressed. I say that with all kindness, because I wouldn't want to say anything deliberately hurtful to someone looking for advice.

bethsmiles · July 2014

CocoBellaF said:

I don't really see the problem (from what I've gathered by your story) is really a deal-breaker. to be completely honest, I think that both of you overreacted in the heat of the moment, and that it could be a reflection of a deeper issue lurking beneath the surface that needs to be addressed. I say that with all kindness, because I wouldn't want to say anything deliberately hurtful to someone looking for advice.

I agree with this. It just seems like such an small thing for your BF to be this upset about. Are there any other issues that are going on that might be making this seem like a bigger deal?

joy14bw · July 2014

@CocoBellaF and @bethsmiles - nothing that I know of except he has been married before and his ex wife left him without a reason. He was single for a year and I know he wasn't looking for a relationship when we reconnected. He used to tell me all the time at how shocked he was I came back into his life and how quickly he fell for me. We both had crushes on one another in college.

He has been going to therapy by himself and he used to share things about it but I haven't heard much as of recently. I know they get into convos about his Ex which really is none of my business. I can only imagine the scars he has from that.
I was also left by my FI for my best friend (why I left TK the first time around) so rejections definitely plays its part.

eilis1228 · July 2014

I completely agree with @CocoBellaF. I can understand how irritating it is for you to constantly feel like your relationship is being undermined, but I don't know that the huge fallout from this fight is appropriate either. I do think your SO needs to put you and your needs first, but it seems odd to me that this particular fight would completely end your relationship. Is he acting this way due to the argument or something else? When you fight, do you normally have big blow ups like this where you typically walk out? Is he reacting to things that were said in the heat of the moment rather than what led to the fight? Have you been fighting frequently? I don't mean to pry or come across as insinuating negative about you, your SO, or your relationship. I just feel like there's another layer to this story that would help us get a better idea of what's going on.

Regardless of the fight itself, you definitely do need to talk to him if you guys are serious about getting married one day. Issues, tiffs, huge fights--they happen. It's part of growing together. To move forward though, you guys have to sit down and talk it out. Shutting down for a week only exacerbates the problem.

Swazzle · July 2014

H and I have never split up. We had a rough patch about a year into dating but we lived together through the whole thing and obviously worked through it.

@es14bw - I agree with Coco, that it doesn't seem like what happened is something that would be a deal-breaker, at least to me. Have you guys been in contact since the argument or are you both keeping your distance? I could be totally off-base but to me, it sounds like YOU are keeping your distance from him while he "figures things out" but I feel like that's really unfair to you. There are 2 people in this relationship and while I totally understand having a cooling-off period after an argument, this much time seems pretty excessive.

CLoGreenEyes · July 2014

Aw! I am arriving late to this, but I think what @CocoBellaF said about it being an overreaction on his part is absolutely true. It could be exaggerated by other issues, like @bethsmiles said, or it might be simply that he is still learning how to gracefully prioritize you when his friends make those comments. In any case, I think the key to making the most of his request for space is to just take care of yourself, and be prepared to communicate about the issues you see when the time comes. Other people had mentioned different hobbies, self-improvement, and thinking of ways to better yourself and the relationship, all of which will benefit both of you in the end.

To answer your questions:

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split? Ha. Ex-BF and I are the king and queen of splitting and getting back together. We dated for five and a half years, we broke up nine months ago, and we had split twice previously. (Not sure if I've ever confessed to that on this board.)

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime? The first two times, not a thing! That's what resulted in us getting back together and not fixing anything. When there is a change in the relationship, whether it's a break-up, a break, or an ambiguous request for space, it is so important to use that time wisely! This last break-up was different for me, because I finally took the time to fully separate myself from him. I had to learn how to do certain things on my own, everywhere from take care of my car to watch a movie by myself (GASP!). I learned how I like to spend my time and what I can do to flourish in my life without having an SO to make it all worthwhile. And I also am working on my ability to communicate assertively, which has been a problem in all of my relationships but especially in the one with ex-BF. Although I'm not trying too hard to get into a new relationship right now, I feel like all of the soul-searching and work I've done will really pay off when I do find one.

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile? Yes. I was the person who broke it off every. single. time. and I regret going back too soon the first couple of times. Although my ex and I are good friends, and sometimes I entertain the idea of getting back together "someday," I have to admit it's pretty unlikely. There is no trust on either side because neither of us worked hard enough to change what was wrong before; how could we believe in that now? I will say that if a formal break or break-up is introduced into a relationship, it needs to be taken very seriously and you have to be ready to follow the rules you set for yourself, instead of just falling prey to feelings of "but I MIIII-IIII-IIIIISSSSS HIM!"

I hope some of that is helpful. I realize it might not directly apply to your situation, but it offers a bit of a different perspective, in any case.

morphemes · July 2014

BF and I have never taken a break, but we did talk about it. We sort of stumbled onto our relationship and I had already applied to a few law schools out of state. We had to start thinking about whether we'd move together about 6-7 months into our relationship. We weren't sure that's what we wanted to do, or that we were ready for it, so we talked about our other options. Since neither of us was that interested in a long distance relationship, we talked about splitting up, at least temporarily.

We decided together that we wanted to stay together, so we moved to a new state together at our one year mark. So far, it's been hard but wonderful. Communication is absolutely the most important thing, but definitely not the easiest.

I hope you work it out with your SO!

joy14bw · July 2014

@eilis1228 - No worries, I don't mind sharing. I want any and all criticism good or bad.
Honestly I don't think he ever blows up. I've blown up a few times over the phone and he completed understood and apologized for one of those times. Last week I did it face to face two nights in a row. I didn't realize it til the weekend but both nights the first had said stupid crap like "why are you leaving...pussy"

Yes he is reacting to things I said in the heat of the moment which I always rationalize later and apologize for especially if I didn't really mean it. I'm not a cusser or anything and definitive not a name caller but I do scream and clinch my fists when I can't get the words out that I want to say.

I don't think I truly understood why I was so angry until after everything was said and done. I tried to explain Monday night but he just said he felt like he was walking on egg shells around me and he hated it. He just said he needed a break so I said ok.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2014

Fill me in on the background here...what's going on with you and your SO?

I'll answer...

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split?

Once. It was 2 months before DH graduated college. He was freaking out because he didn't have a job lined up yet and didn't want to be a burden on his mom who is far from well off. He thought dragging me through that with him, and potentially being unemployed, was not fair to me...and he couldn't handle a relationship on top of it too. We ended up broken up for one day.

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime?

I cried hysterically. He seemed really certain that it was 100% over.

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile?

The day after he broke up with me, I went over to his dorm room to make sure that that's REALLY what he wanted. He was emphatic that it was. And I burst into tears and said, "Well what about all of the plans we had together?" And I started rattling off all of the things we had planned to do together that now we'd never do. And then he burst into tears, started sobbing, began apologizing profusely and told me he couldn't let me go. He was just scared of what life would be like post-college, and he was afraid of not having a job lined up. But he said he couldn't let me go, and he wanted me to be by his side through it all. Then we had some of the most passionate sex I've ever had. And all was ok.

He got a job offer 2 weeks later. That was the only time we've ever broken up, and that was 6 years ago. We have since gone through various rough patches, but it has never come close to escalating to that point again.

bethsmiles · July 2014

I used to be really bad about blowing up at BF. I yelled a lot. But when I was yelling I would get so worked up and emotional that I wouldn't even really be yelling about what was really bothering me. Now I write everything down that's bothering me. I vent on paper so that I can organize my thoughts and be more rational if we get into an argument.

Sometimes I still yell but it's very rare now.

eilis1228 · July 2014

So you guys fight frequently then? If he's "walking on eggshells," I assume he means you've been fighting more than normal lately.

The whole "pussy" comment is just terrible. Seriously. Completely uncalled for and disrespectful. I really think you guys need sit down, politely talk it out, and then learn how to fight fairly. Name calling, screaming, balled fists, walking out of the house, etc... that's no bueno. It sounds like you both feed into each other's anger a bit too. I get it. I mean, when I'm angry, sometimes I just feel like I need to cuss and yell to get the aggression out. FI does not react well to that, so I've had to learn to channel the anger differently and not just fly off the handle blindly.

But again, I think by now you need to just sit down with your SO and talk it out calmly. I really hope you guys are able to work it out!

joy14bw · July 2014

Sorry I meant his friend made comments about my SO being a pussy for leaving.

bethsmiles · July 2014

es14bw said:

Sorry I meant his friend made comments about my SO being a pussy for leaving.

His friend sounds like a jerk.

eilis1228 · July 2014

Ohhhhh that makes much more sense! Yeah, his friend sounds really terrible...

BreMR · July 2014

I'm a little late to the posting game, but my FI and I have been together since high school, we broke up for 8 months about 3 1/2 years ago it was a mutual decision after we struggled with being happy together for about a year...We got separate houses, we spent 4 months completely okay with being apart, and just communicating for our daughter's sake.

After 4 months, he started begging me to take him back, and I was ready to move on.. I had sorta started seeing someone else but nothing serious, but the more we talked the more I realized I missed him. We worked past all of our issues and our relationship has never been better. .the past 3 years have been fantastic! Now we're engaged and getting married next year!

However,I am agreeing with the previous posters about your situation... you need to have a conversation with him.. the fight you had should not have resulted in a freeze out...

Dignity100 · July 2014

es14bw said:

@CocoBellaF and @bethsmiles - nothing that I know of except he has been married before and his ex wife left him without a reason. He was single for a year and I know he wasn't looking for a relationship when we reconnected. He used to tell me all the time at how shocked he was I came back into his life and how quickly he fell for me. We both had crushes on one another in college.

He has been going to therapy by himself and he used to share things about it but I haven't heard much as of recently. I know they get into convos about his Ex which really is none of my business. I can only imagine the scars he has from that.
I was also left by my FI for my best friend (why I left TK the first time around) so rejections definitely plays its part.

To the bolded: I'm sure she left without reason in his head - and she may have told him that she just didn't want to be married anymore, but I'm pretty sure there really was a reason behind it. Heck even 'I don't want to be married at this time' is technically a reason. She may have not told him (or others) the real reason because she didn't want to be criticized or she didn't want him to do the 'whole I can change'. When breaking up out of a relationship - one of the best things to do is make it something the SO cannot fix. A person cannot fix 'I do not love you anymore' or 'I just don't want to be married'. A person can SAY they can fix 'We don't save enough' or 'You don't help out around the house' or 'You never take me out and show me you care about me'.

Please! Help me stay sane...

Re: Please! Help me stay sane...

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