Please! Help me stay sane...

joy14bw · July 2014

Ladies, Thank you so much for your feedback.

Really thinking about it, I'm not sure I know all the issues at hand. He may be going to therapy for something I'm not even aware of yet.

But I do know his Ex leaving without him being able to understand why was hard for him. But the last time we spoke of her he made it very clear that although she left him, he never realized how unhappy he was until she was gone.

doubleSS07 · July 2014

@es14bw I'm so sorry that you guys are going through a rough time right now. I agree with PP's who said that this particular instance shouldn't be a deal breaker and that there must be something else a little deeper going on. I know you said he goes to therapy, have you two been together? Do you think he'd consider that? maybe this response he has is part of why the ExW left?

Have you and your SO/DH/FI/BF ever split?

No, H and I have never split. A couple years ago we were in a really rough place and I found out that he had cheated. We lived together and I left the house for a week. We talked, I screamed, he cried. I've always said though that breaking up is breaking up. Either we are willing to work it out or we are done. We went to counseling both individually and together. We had BIG BIG communication issues.

What did you do to keep yourself busy in the meantime?

I worked, I thought about everything, what I imagined my future like with him and without him. I talked to friends (don't do that BTW. Pick one person or even just the counselor to confide in because if you work it out, everyone knows your business!), I worked out, I drank a lot of wine.

Did the person that broke it off come back to reconcile?

We decided to work on us and the relationship. it was hard for me to trust that he would never do this again. He had some serious ground rules for a while and he never once got mad, complained, etc. He took it and he's proved every day since then that he is grateful for the 2nd chance.

I think if it's been a few days you should request to meet and talk. Pick a neutral and quiet place in public and voice your thoughts. if it's the friends constant comments, don't just address the friend's behavior because your BF can't control that, but address how HIS reaction or non reaction hurts you and that's why you get mad. I think the bottom line is that you can't go all radio silent on someone every time there is an argument.

joy14bw · July 2014

Thats the one thing I struggle with. Should I try to reach out when he is the one that asked for the break? or should I just wait it out.

He did take my letter and said he would take it to Therapy on Monday...but thats a few days away.

I've had family in town the last few days keeping me preoccupied but I'm having a weak moment right now sitting in my office alone.

Swazzle · July 2014

@es14bw - I really can't get on board with this "wait and see what he decides" game. There are two of you in this relationship and I feel like he's keeping you in the dark which is really not cool. I would not be able to sit back and just wait and see what he decides to do, it's your life/relationship too.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

maybe this is an UO, but I think you should always be able to reach out to your SO, even if you're in a rough patch. I would think that going days upon days of not communicating will only make things worse.

if it were me, I would text/call/email/whatever my H and just say something like, "hey! hope you are having a great day. I've been thinking about you!" ... something neutral. it isn't going to help anything if you contact someone and immediately dive in to the problem. I'm not saying to ignore what's going on, but general communication needs to be re-established. furthermore, at some point I'd probably let my H know that I still loved and cared deeply for him and that whatever the issue was, I knew that we could find a compromise that would work for both of us.

so often, when we argue with our SO's, we forget that we're both on the same team! when H and I are fighting, it really helps me to remind myself (and him, sometimes) that we are both on Team Coco'sLastName. it's not you against him, or me against my H, even when there's a fight. we're on the same team, and in the heat of the moment it is easy to let that slide and start to think that we have to win the fight. especially with my H. he is really bad about feeling the need to WIN the argument. it stems from issues with his step-dad from childhood. now that I can recognize that about him, and that we have had discussions in a non-emotional way about his tendency to do this, it's easier to deescalate the fighting. if you can, and when it is appropriate, you can calmly say to your SO that you aren't trying to win this fight; you just want to understand his perspective and have him understand yours, so that you can effectively work as a team to come up with a solution.

from what I can tell, your problem is that his friends make a big deal about your SO spending more and more time with you, and you don't feel like your SO stands up to his friend.

from what I can tell, your SO's problem might be that you tend to blow up or overreact out of fear/frustration. he also might have some issues stemming from his ex-wife leaving without him knowing why. but we don't KNOW exactly what his problem is, because you're not talking to each other!

so, tell me, in your opinion, what is a good way to help solve your problem? and what is a good way to help your SO with his problem?

I used to be a big blow-up fighter (believe it or not, folks!) H and I had lots of fights about how he never told me anything. finally, one day my H told me that he didn't want to tell me anything because of how mad I got and it emotionally scared him. H's step-dad was terribly physically/emotionally abusive. he also used to be loud and hateful when he was upset. since I wasn't controlling myself in the heat of anger, I was scaring my H. that really was a hard thing to hear! I did a lot of work on not letting myself get so angry, and I have to admit that I have a hormonal disorder that was causing a lot of those problems in me. I am on a better set of medications now that help control my anxiety/out-of-control feeling.

anyway, this is so incredibly long, so I apologize. but, could it be that your SO feels afraid and emotionally unsafe because he believes you overreact or blow up at "everything"? I am NOT saying that you do this, please understand me! but perception is reality, and if that is how he perceives all of this, then that is reality to him.

I hope at least SOME of this was helpful. again, I apologize for it being so long and probably ridiculous. I can tell that you really are feeling awful about everything, and I wish that I could help more!

[Deleted User] · July 2014

ETA: I also used to write H letters when I was upset, because I thought it would be a good way to explain myself without all the emotion. it turns out, he actually hated that and finally told me. now, we don't have any kind of substantial or important conversations via email/letters/texts, and normally not even on the phone. we have these talks in person.

bethsmiles · July 2014

Swazzle said:

@es14bw - I really can't get on board with this "wait and see what he decides" game. There are two of you in this relationship and I feel like he's keeping you in the dark which is really not cool. I would not be able to sit back and just wait and see what he decides to do, it's your life/relationship too.

I couldn't just love this I had to quote because so much yes to this! This is YOUR life and YOUR relationship. He can't cut you out of it and make decisions alone. And I absolutely agree with @CocoBellaF - going days without communication is only going to make things worse. Your both thinking things and interpreting things without talking to the other person and that leaves so much room things being blown out of proportion or not truly understood. Maybe it's just because I have a master's in Comm but I will never understand how people think not communicating will solve anything.

Blue & White · July 2014

Lots of hugs. I agree with a lot of the previous posters - I definitely agree that it's unfair for you to just sit around and wait for him to make a decision (this is a "we" relationship, not a "him" relationship, in theory).

Communication needs to be established though. And then a few changes definitely need to be made - he can't blame (and neither can you) everything on his ex leaving. His friend's comments are unacceptable and he should be able to stand up to his friend about your relationship. Big blow up fights where you don't speak with each other for several days need to come to a more beneficial conclusion - perhaps a time out and then discussion at before bed or something to that effect.

I don't know. This is a hard place to be in

Please! Help me stay sane...

Re: Please! Help me stay sane...

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