Etiquette for Tying the Knot Legally 6 Years After Commitment Ceremony

QueerFemme · July 2014

P.S.S. - The picture in my signature is our "committment" ceremony. I wore a white dress, my partner wore a tux (YES, before 6pm .. GASP!") and we had a wedding. Whether the govt sanctioned it or not. The picture attached to this post was our "legal" wedding.

As you can see by the gold wallpaper and plastic arch, it wasn't a fancy affair. And other than my friend, who also happened to be our photographer, we had no one else there. We went and had burgers for lunch after, and went home to our dogs and continued the married life we were already living.

aaustin0621 · July 2014

QueerFemme said:

PS - If you had a small, private committment ceremony originally, then I think a more lavish affair now wouldn't be completely inappropriate. But, if you had a "wedding-like" event, I think having a re-do is a little funky, etiquette wise.
You could do a vow renewal now, and make it legal. But vow renewals aren't re-dos and they are scaled back events. No wedding party, no big poofy dress, etc. So, I guess my point is, my opinion on the etiquette of your upcoming event would depend on your previous event.
I love that queers can get married in so many states now. And I think many people are 100% on board with giving us an etiquette pass because we got screwed for so many years. But, I think, just because we are being given a pass, doesn't mean we should take it.

Thank you for sharing your pictures and experience with me. I really don't think I am looking for a do-over. There is not a single thing about our commitment ceremony that I would change. I also think it was appropriate for a commitment ceremony. It was held inside my in-laws home, we wrote our own vows, I wore a nice cocktail style dress, and we enjoyed a 5 course meal w/ wine pairings that my mother-in-law prepared, and shared stories with our family and friends (~25 guests.) It was very non-traditional I think and very intimate. When we made that commitment to each other, we always knew that we would one day want to make it legal. For us, this does not just feel like a piece of paper or move that has tax implications. It is deepening and solidifying our relationship before we try to have a baby, and it is important to us that our nearest and dearest are there as a sign of support and to witness this step in our lives. For us, personally, there would be something missing if we approached it in the same way you did. I think I would feel lonely for my family and friends, and it wouldn't give the moment the celebration and recognition it deserves. Also, I didn't feel like others who commented where giving me a "pass" because I'm gay; instead, it felt more like the message was "this is something to celebrate!" I am so grateful to you and everyone who shared their advice and experience. After all of this and much discussion, we are going to have a ceremony (size TBD) that is equal parts a celebration of the legalization of our marriage and a celebration of the support and love our friends and family have shown us during our first 5 (will be 6) years of marriage. We have found the perfect location that will house our closest friends and family that has a pool and private beach, a large kitchen for preparing and sharing meals, and a beautiful outdoor fireplace. We will prioritize our budget on hosting them and making their stay super lovely. The rest will come with more time and thought. I am so excited about this next steps in our lives!

Cookie Pusher · July 2014

@QueerFemme I love your pictures! Also, we have the same wedding date, just a year apart!

QueerFemme · July 2014

aaustin0621 said:

QueerFemme said:

PS - If you had a small, private committment ceremony originally, then I think a more lavish affair now wouldn't be completely inappropriate. But, if you had a "wedding-like" event, I think having a re-do is a little funky, etiquette wise.
You could do a vow renewal now, and make it legal. But vow renewals aren't re-dos and they are scaled back events. No wedding party, no big poofy dress, etc. So, I guess my point is, my opinion on the etiquette of your upcoming event would depend on your previous event.
I love that queers can get married in so many states now. And I think many people are 100% on board with giving us an etiquette pass because we got screwed for so many years. But, I think, just because we are being given a pass, doesn't mean we should take it.

Thank you for sharing your pictures and experience with me. I really don't think I am looking for a do-over. There is not a single thing about our commitment ceremony that I would change. I also think it was appropriate for a commitment ceremony. It was held inside my in-laws home, we wrote our own vows, I wore a nice cocktail style dress, and we enjoyed a 5 course meal w/ wine pairings that my mother-in-law prepared, and shared stories with our family and friends (~25 guests.) It was very non-traditional I think and very intimate. When we made that commitment to each other, we always knew that we would one day want to make it legal. For us, this does not just feel like a piece of paper or move that has tax implications. It is deepening and solidifying our relationship before we try to have a baby, and it is important to us that our nearest and dearest are there as a sign of support and to witness this step in our lives. For us, personally, there would be something missing if we approached it in the same way you did. I think I would feel lonely for my family and friends, and it wouldn't give the moment the celebration and recognition it deserves. Also, I didn't feel like others who commented where giving me a "pass" because I'm gay; instead, it felt more like the message was "this is something to celebrate!" I am so grateful to you and everyone who shared their advice and experience. After all of this and much discussion, we are going to have a ceremony (size TBD) that is equal parts a celebration of the legalization of our marriage and a celebration of the support and love our friends and family have shown us during our first 5 (will be 6) years of marriage. We have found the perfect location that will house our closest friends and family that has a pool and private beach, a large kitchen for preparing and sharing meals, and a beautiful outdoor fireplace. We will prioritize our budget on hosting them and making their stay super lovely. The rest will come with more time and thought. I am so excited about this next steps in our lives!

Thanks for sharing the info from your first ceremony. I do think, given the size and intention of the first ceremony, there is more wiggle room with etiquette for having this wedding. Mostly, I didn't want other folks to read this and think "oh yay!! we should totally have a do-over too!" It really does depend on the circumstances.

Good luck with your planning!

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

I think it would take a very petty and bitter person to begrudge you a wedding, after your rights have been denied for so long.

ohannabelle · July 2014

Agreed with the above posts. A pass on etiquette, never. A pass on a second ceremony, yes.

indianaalum · July 2014

I have no idea what etiquette says, but I say GO FOR IT. The law is finally on your side so you deserve the same exact thing the rest of us had. GO FOR IT...

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

My biggest requirement is that you come back to AW whatever fabulous dress you get.

Etiquette for Tying the Knot Legally 6 Years After Commitment Ceremony

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