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Wedding Etiquette Forum
behsco90
member
Disagreement with FI
So FI told me tonight that his nephew (we'll call him George) is thinking of proposing to his GF at our wedding. Uh, no thank you! Also, we haven't even set a date yet and have nothing planned, so George is getting a little ahead of himself! FI didn't talk to George directly about this. George told his mom, his mom told FIs mom and FIs mom told him.
I told FI that this would upset me if that happened. FI doesn't understand why because he would have no problem with it. I told him that it's our day to celebrate and it would be rude of George to propose at our wedding. FI still didn't understand what the big deal was but he said that he would talk to George and tell him not to do it because it would make me upset.
I told FI not to say that, if even to say anything. I didn't want to look like an a-hole if he said that. I told FI to not bring it up to George and if he proposes then he proposes, not much we can do. Then FI got upset because he said I wasn't making sense - if we can prevent it then we should because FI doesn't want me all pissed off at our wedding.
So idk what to do. FI wants me to drop the subject, and he will talk to George and tell him not to do it (but not say why). I don't think it's right of him to bring it up but it's also not right of George to propose on our wedding. Am I crazy to feel this way? I just don't know what to do! If I wanted to be a bitch, I would just not invite her (but I know better and would never do that!)
I told FI that this would upset me if that happened. FI doesn't understand why because he would have no problem with it. I told him that it's our day to celebrate and it would be rude of George to propose at our wedding. FI still didn't understand what the big deal was but he said that he would talk to George and tell him not to do it because it would make me upset.
I told FI not to say that, if even to say anything. I didn't want to look like an a-hole if he said that. I told FI to not bring it up to George and if he proposes then he proposes, not much we can do. Then FI got upset because he said I wasn't making sense - if we can prevent it then we should because FI doesn't want me all pissed off at our wedding.
So idk what to do. FI wants me to drop the subject, and he will talk to George and tell him not to do it (but not say why). I don't think it's right of him to bring it up but it's also not right of George to propose on our wedding. Am I crazy to feel this way? I just don't know what to do! If I wanted to be a bitch, I would just not invite her (but I know better and would never do that!)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Disagreement with FI
I wouldn't say anything right now. I think you should stop making this a hurdle in your relationship - that's giving George way too much power. There are so many moving variables at play here - unless there's some bizarre reason George is set on your wedding as a backdrop, odds are this wont go down like he's saying it will.
Just take comfort for now that you'll still be the bride, it will still be your wedding, and most of your guests would find George's proposal inappropriately timed.
Though I would want to say to him that most women would find this kind of proposal to be terrible - I know I would be mortified and would feel the need to hide my own excitement so as not to look like a giant AW at someone else's wedding.
Your sweeping blanket generalization is beyond offensive, and couldn't be farther from the truth. Oh, wait....................
=t
I will see if I can bring up these points to FI, but not sure as he just wants me to drop the subject. I don't want him to agree with me, but I guess I just want him to understand my point of view. He just thinks I'm being ridiculous and that there should be nothing wrong with a proposal at a wedding because he doesn't mind it.
I wouldn't mind if George proposed that day but privately, and then announced it the day or two after. Plus I'm wondering when he's thinking he'll do it at our reception, as he wouldn't have any idea of the timeline of events.
I can see my MIL's "Oh, hell no," expression just thinking about it.
OP. Drop it.
1. It's hearsay at this point.
2. Since it's hearsay, you don't even know the tone it was said. Maybe he was actually joking. Or maybe it was just a random thought that popped out and is one of a hundred different ways he's contemplating proposing right now.
3. You can't control other adults.
4. You don't even have a wedding date set.
So much can happen between now and then. Maybe his mother will tell him "Gee, Georgey, I don't think that's a great idea." Maybe he'll break up with his girlfriend between now and then. Maybe he'll decide he just can't wait and propose to her at any point between now and then. Maybe he and his girlfriend will have serious discussions about proposals, engagements, and marriage between now and then and his girlfriend will tell him that she doesn't like being the center of attention in large crowds or always dreamed of being proposed to at Christmas. Maybe they'll be just so damn ready to be together they'll elope and actually get married before you.
You said you'll be getting married in late summer. There is an entire year where deity only knows what could happen. Do you really want to make this into an issue now?
Also, even if this does happen, it doesn't make your wedding any less special. It's like people who get worried if their guests wear white. No one is going to mistake them for the bride. No one is going to get confused and suddenly think this is an engagement party for them and forget that it's your wedding reception just because you were center of attention for only 98% of the time instead of 100%. In fact, your reception might be more memorable because of it - try to think of it as flattery instead of being worried about whether they steal a little attention from you. Your relationship and your wedding inspired them to take the next step. (Note: I'm not saying I love the idea, nor do I condone it. But ultimately, the only thing you are in control of is you and your reactions, so try to find the silver lining if it does happen.)
I understand our wedding is a ways off, so I am hoping he will just forget or come up with a new idea in the meantime.
OP, you can show your FI this post: what this dude is thinking of doing will make him look like a jerk, and his girlfriend like a attention whore. If she is sane, she will be beyond mortified to be proposed to like this, because the entire room will be side-eyeing them. This isn't a matter of your bride's opinion at all, but rather a situation where you need to nut up and save the both of them from looking like assholes in front of thier nearest and dearest. It doesn't matter if you think it's ok, you just need to know that most people don't. Like farting on children, no real harm done, but the entire room thinks you are a disgusting jerk as a result.
OP, if this dude follows through anyway, don't pay it any mind. Ignore it, and in ten minutes it'll be dust under the rug.
If people couldn't glean what was intended by my post without offense, it's not my job to dumb it down or make it PC. Like Mr. E's future knuckle tattoo: NMFP what "offends" people, particularly those looking for things to be offended about. Good grief.
You are not being too sensitive or ungracious to not want this happening at your wedding. I'm with the other PP's that, because it is far in the future, to wait a bit and see how things shake out. Maybe they break up, maybe he proposes long before.
With that said, as the wedding days gets closer and it looks like this is still a possibility, I don't think it is out of line at all for your FI to say something.
And for the PPs who think no one would actually propose at someone's wedding, I have a story to tell. A good friend of mine was getting married and, a few weeks before the wedding her MOH...yes MOH...came up to her all excited and said her b/f was thinking of proposing to her at the wedding. In no uncertain terms, she nipped that in the bud quick.
Quite frankly, her MOH was very "marriage hungry" and I think the whole ridiculous idea was hers to begin with...not her b/f's. In fact, they dated another year after the wedding and never got engaged.
Cousin potentially proposing is THE LEAST of your etiquette worries. As @missax said, This isn't culture, it's rude. Host your own wedding, do not make his and your family host it for you.
And I don't think it would be appropriate in any culture honestly. You can't find a better, or even more special day for you as a couple than a wedding in a different culture. Embarassing for these two.