Two states, two ceremonies, two headaches!

kimmers85 · August 2014

A little unorthodox, I suppose, but we are considering having two ceremonies. One in Oklahoma (where I am from) and have the be the big hoopla with friends, family and reception and then a smaller church ceremony in Missouri in a small church in a small town where both his parents and grandparents were married. Also, his grandparents are not able to travel long distances so they would only be able to attend if we did the one in Missouri since it's literally across the street from their home. I have some concerns though. One, which ceremony do I make the legal one? And how many people do I have to invite to the second ceremony? Can it be just family and our wedding party? We are stretching the budget as it is and having this could extend us a little too far. Will I also have to have a second reception or could just a family dinner suffice? Very confused and don't want to offend his family with my choices. Any ideas are greatly appreciated!

KatieinBkln · August 2014

Oh god. @kimmers85, you have no idea what a can of worms you just opened. Please just read like, 2 pages of the giant PPD FAQ thread at the top of this board and come back. If that is TL;DR (I mean, I get it, it's huge): Don't have 2 ceremonies. Have a legal ceremony and then a "celebration" without re-doing/re-enacting vows, without a bridal party, without calling yourself a "bride," and you'll be all good to go on the etiquette front. Save yourself the trouble of potentially offending half your guests when they realize the "wedding" they're attending isn't the real one.

thisismynickname2 · August 2014

Really, you can have one legal ceremony and any other "ceremony" would only be a re-enactment. It's fine to have a party in a second location if some loved ones cannot attend the legal ceremony and reception.

Unfortunately, I think you may have to choose what is more important: having his grandparents witness your wedding, or having the wedding in OK where everyone else is.

If I were you, I would have the traditional wedding and reception in OK and travel soon thereafter to have dinner with his grandparents.

manateehugger · August 2014

kimmers85 said:

A little unorthodox, I suppose, but we are considering having two ceremonies. One in Oklahoma (where I am from) and have the be the big hoopla with friends, family and reception and then a smaller church ceremony in Missouri in a small church in a small town where both his parents and grandparents were married. Also, his grandparents are not able to travel long distances so they would only be able to attend if we did the one in Missouri since it's literally across the street from their home. I have some concerns though. One, which ceremony do I make the legal one? And how many people do I have to invite to the second ceremony? Can it be just family and our wedding party? We are stretching the budget as it is and having this could extend us a little too far. Will I also have to have a second reception or could just a family dinner suffice? Very confused and don't want to offend his family with my choices. Any ideas are greatly appreciated!

....do the families really want to watch a wedding reenactment? And you're going to make your wedding party attend TWO ceremonies?

I think you'll offend whichever family is watching the second do-over ceremony.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

Skip the second "ceremony" and just have a fun celebratory party with all your friends and family from Missouri. BUT, an even better idea would be to invite everyone to the actual wedding and reception rather then have to plan and pay for two parties.

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

Ditto Thisismynickname. It sounds like the solutiont o your problem would be to have your wedding & reception in OK. Then travel soon after to have dinner with his grandparents.

LondonLisa · August 2014

kimmers85 said:

A little unorthodox, I suppose, but we are considering having two ceremonies. One in Oklahoma (where I am from) and have the be the big hoopla with friends, family and reception and then a smaller church ceremony in Missouri in a small church in a small town where both his parents and grandparents were married. Also, his grandparents are not able to travel long distances so they would only be able to attend if we did the one in Missouri since it's literally across the street from their home. I have some concerns though. One, which ceremony do I make the legal one? And how many people do I have to invite to the second ceremony? Can it be just family and our wedding party? We are stretching the budget as it is and having this could extend us a little too far. Will I also have to have a second reception or could just a family dinner suffice? Very confused and don't want to offend his family with my choices. Any ideas are greatly appreciated!

You get one wedding ceremony, the day in which you are legally wed. Anything else is a play acting PPD and is fairly AW-ish. You aren't able to find a polite way to do this because it isn't polite. You are essentially recreating your wedding for his grandparents and other people. If someone couldn't make my graduation, would I dress up in a mortar board and gown and pretend to receive my diploma? Of course not.

Either have the wedding in Oklahoma or in Missouri, but you cannot do both. I'm sorry that one will cause disappointment, but that is being an adult and making an adult decision. I understand you want to please everyone, however, just throw one wedding and invite everyone. Wherever you decide to not have the ceremony, throw a casual BBQ and invite the people that could not make it. Don't do a ceremony reenactment, don't wear your wedding dress, don't do any "first". Remember, you are a wife, not a bride.

If it is so important for his grandparents to see you two get married, then you two need to ACTUALLY get married in Missouri. However, if it is more important that you get married in Oklahoma, then get married there. You can only be married in one place.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

Reality is that not every single person in your life will be able to travel to your wedding. Choose the location where you feel like the most people, and/or the most important people, will be able to make it. If it's that important to have his grandparents there, have the wedding in Missouri. Later, if you want to travel and have another party without the trappings of a wedding, go ahead.

But yes, I would be very offended if you invited me to a re-enactment of your wedding. You just need to make a choice about which location will work the best, and go with that.

You can only get married once, unless you want to get divorced in between the two ceremonies. I wouldn't recommend that option.

blabla89 · August 2014

I'm in a similar situation with my family. My dad is also in a small town in Missouri and can't possibly travel to where FI and I (and his family) live. I totally understand why you feel torn about it.

Don't have two ceremonies, for the reasons PPs have mentioned. Unfortunately you'll need to make a difficult choice, together, about what's most important to the two of you. You can have the big wedding in Oklahoma with your friends and family there, then go visit his grandparents to celebrate with them. Or, you can have a lovely wedding in Missouri, and invite your friend and family from Oklahoma, knowing that all of them may not be able to attend. I understand that it's a difficult choice, but having it both ways doesn't really work.

Jen4948 · August 2014

It's a sad reality that when you have close family and friends in multiple places, there will be a strong likelihood that not all of them can travel to wherever you decide to hold the wedding. But you can only have one wedding ceremony. So you have to make a difficult and even painful choice that will of necessity mean that some loved ones can't be there. Decide what your priorities are and plan accordingly. Best wishes!

climbingsingle · August 2014

I swear to god, I don't understand these traveling wedding tours. You get one ceremony, unless you plan on divorcing in between these two events.

Not everyone is going to be able to attend your wedding. That's just reality. There's a very good chance that my FI's father will not be able to attend our wedding. It's very sad, but that doesn't mean we're going to throw a second FAKE wedding in Florida.

It's time to put your big girl pants on and make a decision. Have a wedding in Oklahoma or Missouri. Not both.

misshart00 · August 2014

I think you should have the legal one in oklahoma, since that's where you are. Probably easier to plan and get the license, etc. Then have a party in Missouri if you want and show your wedding video/pictures to your grandparents.

AddieCake · August 2014

Oh, good. Another wedding tour.

photokitty · August 2014

I'd have one ceremony & reception in Oklahoma. Maybe a party in Missouri afterwards - but budget wise it doesn't make much sense to me.

If your FI's grandparents can't attend and want to see it I'd just pay for a videographer, go visit his grandparents, watch the video, eat cake, spend time together. Heck I'd say wear your dress if they want to see it. But don't pretend to get married when you already are...do something instead that is just the 4 of you - FMIL & FFIL could come too if they wanted.

wrigleyville · August 2014

missax said:

Please don't do a reenactment. My husbands grandparents couldn't travel to our wedding so when we got home we invited them over for dinner and watched our wedding video. We even gave them a copy and some of our wedding photos.

You could do this or coordinate a Skype session so they can watch your ceremony live.

Simply Fated · August 2014

OP, I understand you both wanting his grandparents there. 100% understand. However, which ever ceremony you have second, won't be a ceremony. It will be a ceremony reenactment. It's just not the same thing. It won't make his grandparents feel better about missing the wedding because they'll still be missing the wedding.

I think that if it's that important to you both to have his grandparents attend the wedding, then you should have your wedding in an accesible location and invite them to your actual wedding.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

Do what you think is best for your wedding, and family! As long as you don't hide the fact you got married in, well wherever you decide to do it, go for it. Give a good use to your wedding gown, and if you have the $ to have two parties, (lucky you) go for it!
At least you have them in the same country, in my case I have family scattered all around the world, mainly south America and Europe, so it is a major headache.

no.

climbingsingle · August 2014

irinashayk said:

Do what you think is best for your wedding, and family! As long as you don't hide the fact you got married in, well wherever you decide to do it, go for it. Give a good use to your wedding gown, and if you have the $ to have two parties, (lucky you) go for it!
At least you have them in the same country, in my case I have family scattered all around the world, mainly south America and Europe, so it is a major headache.

SITB
This is the etiquette board. Please stop giving out bad etiquette advice.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

irinashayk said:

@sarahbear31 is my opinion on the subject, if you disagree what can I do? XOXO

Something being your opinion doesn't make it appropriate advice to give someone else. OP is on an etiquette board asking what's appropriate, and your opinion is irrelevant to what is actually etiquette-correct.

http://theconversation.com/no-youre-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-9978

littlestmonkey · August 2014

My grandparents were not able to travel for our wedding a few weeks ago. My aunt skyped them during the ceremony and during the speeches and I went to visit them yesterday with pictures and cake. Not ideal, but it worked out.

My husband and I are from different countries (different continents) and so we knew that wherever we had the wedding not everyone was going to be able to attend. We decided we would get married in my church and so there would be a fair number from his side who wouldn't be able to come. His Mum is throwing us a celebration party in a few weeks for everyone who wasn't able to come. When we first started to discuss this, I asked DH if he wanted to have the marriage blessed by his church (we're also different religions). For various reasons we decided against it - but if you are different religions and are set on the two ceremony thing, this might be a compromise. I would do the wedding in OK and the big party and then have a small blessing in your grandparents church. If you are different religions and everyone is clear that it's a blessing, I don't really see a problem with that.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

@sarahbear31 is my opinion on the subject, if you disagree what can I do? XOXO

Just what PPs said. This is the etiquette board. Re-enacting a wedding ceremony for others is bad etiquette. That is why we are encouraging this bride to have ONE ceremony in Oklahoma and then visit the grandparents in Missouri.

JellyBean52513 · August 2014

OP, I understand the position you and your FI are in. I live in one state with my SO now, where he has a gigantic family and a million friends who are just like family, and in my homestate lives the itty-bitty remnants of my family, including my father who lives in a nursing home and can't travel much more than a couple of hours away (with supervision at all times). My SO and I have already discussed this, and figured that we would most likely get married in my homestate so that my father will be able to attend. He knows that not all of his friends/family will be able to attend, but he understands how important it is that my dad is present on my wedding day.

Sometimes you have to make compromises in life, and it looks like this is going to be one of them. I would hope that you can find a way to compromise your vision of a big wedding to-do if it means that someone people who are EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to your FI will be able to attend.

ETF typo

Liatris2010 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

\

Now this is good advice.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

irinashayk said:

\

I won't answer to you @sarahbear31

At least you know that you are a troll.

MegEn1 · August 2014

Whoah, did Irinia delete her account?

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

MegEn1 said:

Whoah, did Irinia delete her account?

That was quick.

Cookie Pusher · August 2014

lolo883 said:

MegEn1 said:

Whoah, did Irinia delete her account?

That was quick.

Not quick enough! But at least her horrible etiquette-butchering posts are gone.

mrsmagicgeek · August 2014

MegEn1 said:
Whoah, did Irinia delete her account?

Gosh, now we'll never know if she readded her FI (ex-FI?) on Facebook, if she ever gets her ring back, if she has one wedding, let alone two....

WinstonsGirl · August 2014

Maybe she just got caught in another IP ban. Oh well.

kimmers85 · August 2014

I appreciate the ideas. Obviously, with posting my question here, I was needing more of the etiquette advice than anything else. There were really only two main reasons why I was considering this. His grandparents were not able to attend his sister's wedding a couple years ago and they were upset (understandably). Also, his family is fairly religious so he thought that even if the marriage in OK was the legal ceremony, that his family would be happy knowing that we were declaring our vows in a house of God.
Thank you for the advice, I do appreciate it. I just didn't want to commit to the idea and then offend friends and family.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Are you & your FI religious, too? If not, I would advise you & FI to talk to his parents and explain your beliefs and what you plan to do for your wedding.

Also, something else to consider ... will you expect your wedding party to join you at both ceremonies? That would be a lot to expect of them.

Two states, two ceremonies, two headaches!

Re: Two states, two ceremonies, two headaches!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards