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Disagreement with FI

behsco90behsco90 member
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So FI told me tonight that his nephew (we'll call him George) is thinking of proposing to his GF at our wedding. Uh, no thank you! Also, we haven't even set a date yet and have nothing planned, so George is getting a little ahead of himself! FI didn't talk to George directly about this. George told his mom, his mom told FIs mom and FIs mom told him.

I told FI that this would upset me if that happened. FI doesn't understand why because he would have no problem with it. I told him that it's our day to celebrate and it would be rude of George to propose at our wedding. FI still didn't understand what the big deal was but he said that he would talk to George and tell him not to do it because it would make me upset.

I told FI not to say that, if even to say anything. I didn't want to look like an a-hole if he said that. I told FI to not bring it up to George and if he proposes then he proposes, not much we can do. Then FI got upset because he said I wasn't making sense - if we can prevent it then we should because FI doesn't want me all pissed off at our wedding.

So idk what to do. FI wants me to drop the subject, and he will talk to George and tell him not to do it (but not say why). I don't think it's right of him to bring it up but it's also not right of George to propose on our wedding. Am I crazy to feel this way? I just don't know what to do! If I wanted to be a bitch, I would just not invite her (but I know better and would never do that!)
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Re: Disagreement with FI

  • jules3964jules3964 member
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    You can't control what your guests do at your wedding. I would let this go. Him proposing to his girlfriend at your wedding does nothing to ruin your wedding day or marriage.
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
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    It sounds like everyone is getting ahead of themselves here - including you. I'd try really hard to not stress about this now. You don't have a date yet; is there a reason George is more attached to your wedding as a proposal setting than his own timeline and ideas? Weird.

    I wouldn't say anything right now. I think you should stop making this a hurdle in your relationship - that's giving George way too much power. There are so many moving variables at play here - unless there's some bizarre reason George is set on your wedding as a backdrop, odds are this wont go down like he's saying it will.

    Just take comfort for now that you'll still be the bride, it will still be your wedding, and most of your guests would find George's proposal inappropriately timed.

    Though I would want to say to him that most women would find this kind of proposal to be terrible - I know I would be mortified and would feel the need to hide my own excitement so as not to look like a giant AW at someone else's wedding.


    behsco90 said:
    So FI told me tonight that his nephew (we'll call him George) is thinking of proposing to his GF at our wedding. Uh, no thank you! Also, we haven't even set a date yet and have nothing planned, so George is getting a little ahead of himself! FI didn't talk to George directly about this. George told his mom, his mom told FIs mom and FIs mom told him. I told FI that this would upset me if that happened. FI doesn't understand why because he would have no problem with it. I told him that it's our day to celebrate and it would be rude of George to propose at our wedding. FI still didn't understand what the big deal was but he said that he would talk to George and tell him not to do it because it would make me upset. I told FI not to say that, if even to say anything. I didn't want to look like an a-hole if he said that. I told FI to not bring it up to George and if he proposes then he proposes, not much we can do. Then FI got upset because he said I wasn't making sense - if we can prevent it then we should because FI doesn't want me all pissed off at our wedding. So idk what to do. FI wants me to drop the subject, and he will talk to George and tell him not to do it (but not say why). I don't think it's right of him to bring it up but it's also not right of George to propose on our wedding. Am I crazy to feel this way? I just don't know what to do! If I wanted to be a bitch, I would just not invite her (but I know better and would never do that!)

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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Yeah, this is super weird.  You don't even have a date-- why would George be so attached to proposing at your wedding when he has no idea when it will happen or what it will be like?  I'd be annoyed if I were you, and if I were his gf, I'd be annoyed if he proposed at someone else's wedding.

    We always tell brides who are upset about other people getting engaged during the same time as them, "You get one day."  Well, this is your one day and yep, it's annoying.

    Annoying, but not worth getting freaked out over.  Just ask your Fi to mention to George it's really not a good idea.  Things are so far off in the future, this is probably all it will take for him not to do it.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    I'm also wondering why George is so attached to an undetermined date in the future to propose to his GF.  If it was my wedding, I'd be annoyed for sure.  While you cannot control what guests do on the day on the wedding, you can try to convince him that maybe that idea isn't so awesome between now and then...
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I also think it's really bizarre that he wants to propose at your wedding, and you don't even have a date picked out.
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  • behsco90behsco90 member
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    Thanks for all the advice ladies!  I know I overreacted a bit last night, as I was exhausted and PMSing.  And about the wedding date, to be fair, we know it will be late next summer, but no exact date.
    =t
    I will see if I can bring up these points to FI, but not sure as he just wants me to drop the subject.  I don't want him to agree with me, but I guess I just want him to understand my point of view.  He just thinks I'm being ridiculous and that there should be nothing wrong with a proposal at a wedding because he doesn't mind it.

    I wouldn't mind if George proposed that day but privately, and then announced it the day or two after.  Plus I'm wondering when he's thinking he'll do it at our reception, as he wouldn't have any idea of the timeline of events.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    Are you sure George was even serious about this? Maybe he just mentioned it as a joke, since he said it to someone who said it to someone who said it to someone who said it to you. Maybe this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. I would just drop it for now. Wait till closer to the wedding date, or wait till you know George is really serious about it. At that point have your FI mention to him that it's a bad idea for all of the various reasons the PPs have said. It is extremely rude and tacky to propose at someone else's wedding. Poor taste. Way out of line. Can't say enough how annoying this is to me. If I was a guest and witnessed this, I would side-eye the crap out of that couple. I don't blame you at all for being annoyed. This is such a major "DON'T DO"
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    edited August 2014
    If DH had proposed at someone else's wedding I would have walked out without answering. I think it is tacky as hell to upstage the guests of honor.

    I would feel the same way about being proposed to at any party or event that he or I was not the guests of honor. Like Southern said, if you want a bunch of people there to see your proposal throw your own damn party or do it at a sporting event...but you better be sure she is going to say yes!! :-p

    OP, just wait it out.
    I'm super disappointed that George's mom didn't immediately point out that his idea would be in poor taste. Or that FI's mom didn't tell her sister something to that effect. You may be marrying in to a lifetime of upstaging and AWing at family reunions...GL with that :-\
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    novella1186 said:
    Are you sure George was even serious about this? Maybe he just mentioned it as a joke, since he said it to someone who said it to someone who said it to someone who said it to you. Maybe this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. I would just drop it for now. Wait till closer to the wedding date, or wait till you know George is really serious about it.
    100% this! This is just gossip and isn't reliable enough information for you to get this worked up over. I would just drop the subject entirely, there's no point in getting worked up over something someone told someone else who told someone else who told yet another person who told your FI.

    Besides, most people realize that it would be inappropriate to propose at someone else's wedding. I'm sure that if he was serious about this idea someone will tell him it's a bad idea. You and your FI don't need to get involved especially when there's a good chance it was a joke or just taken out of context or somehow a miscommunication.


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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    missax said:
    She never said women weren't problem solvers. I also think it's true that sometimes women like to just vent, I know I do. When I vent/complain to my husband about something he likes to offer ways to solve the problem. It doesn't mean that I can't but because he loves me he wants to help me. I think y'all are reading way too much into her comment.
    But she also said "Men are problem solvers". Yea, fuck no. I've met many men who could solve basic problems.  People just like to vent sometimes. It has nothing to do with gender. Great you have a specific example of your husband wanting to solve your problems, doesn't mean all husbands like to solve problems. 

    And implying that gender has anything to do with understand why proposing at someone else's wedding is a bad idea, is just tasteless. Men aren't idiots. Many understand why. It has nothing to do with having a vagina or a penis.

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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    George sounds like a tool.
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
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    I also would think someone's mother or aunt or father would say something eventually if George is serious. My MIL and her sisters would lay down the wedding law if a young man in their family attempted something like this.

    I can see my MIL's "Oh, hell no," expression just thinking about it.
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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
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    I agree that not all men are problem solvers and many women are problem solvers. But I think folks are getting a little overboard with taking offense to the generalization made above. I happen to be a problem solver, but I have female friends who have gotten upset with me for making suggestions on how they might deal with recurring problems/frustrations/issues. In my mind, I think, you've brought this up to me 12 times, you obviously want some possible solutions, but in their mind, they just want me to say, "that sucks". It's true that each trait is associated with a particular gender, and, yes, it's probably more accurate to just say, some people want to just be listened to and some people want to fix things. But the correlation is a generally recognized one.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
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    edited August 2014
    I'm not going to even touch the sweeping gender stereotyping.  Ugh.

    OP.  Drop it. 

    1.  It's hearsay at this point.
    2.  Since it's hearsay, you don't even know the tone it was said.  Maybe he was actually joking.  Or maybe it was just a random thought that popped out and is one of a hundred different ways he's contemplating proposing right now.
    3.  You can't control other adults.
    4.  You don't even have a wedding date set.

    So much can happen between now and then.  Maybe his mother will tell him "Gee, Georgey, I don't think that's a great idea."  Maybe he'll break up with his girlfriend between now and then.  Maybe he'll decide he just can't wait and propose to her at any point between now and then.  Maybe he and his girlfriend will have serious discussions about proposals, engagements, and marriage between now and then and his girlfriend will tell him that she doesn't like being the center of attention in large crowds or always dreamed of being proposed to at Christmas.   Maybe they'll be just so damn ready to be together they'll elope and actually get married before you.

    You said you'll be getting married in late summer.  There is an entire year where deity only knows what could happen.  Do you really want to make this into an issue now?

    Also, even if this does happen, it doesn't make your wedding any less special.  It's like people who get worried if their guests wear white.  No one is going to mistake them for the bride.  No one is going to get confused and suddenly think this is an engagement party for them and forget that it's your wedding reception just because you were center of attention for only 98% of the time instead of 100%.  In fact, your reception might be more memorable because of it - try to think of it as flattery instead of being worried about whether they steal a little attention from you.  Your relationship and your wedding inspired them to take the next step.  (Note: I'm not saying I love the idea, nor do I condone it.  But ultimately, the only thing you are in control of is you and your reactions, so try to find the silver lining if it does happen.)
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    I would have a huge problem if someone proposed to their SO at my wedding. I just think it is tacky and rude. That being said, I will ditto PPs and say just to wait it out and see what happens.
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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Oh for fuck's sake, I'm not going to start every comment I make with a preamble so as to make sure everyone knows that I'm not lumping in every single last fill-in-the-blank in to one group. 

    Saying that men are problems solvers isn't the same as saying women aren't. 

    The OP's post was about a disagreement between the OP and her FI. The whole thing stemmed from and will eventually be fixed by communication.

    It's been a widely held belief for a while now that men and women communicate differently. It's been the subject of a million books, articles, etc. And like all advice, people should apply what works for them and walk away from the rest. 

    Ignoring nephew George and hoping his proposal is not going to happen isn't any type of guarantee it's not. Communicating could potentially end with everyone involved having a desirable outcome though.

    Here's a couple articles on the subject a simple Google search turned up, so we can put to rest this idea that I just made up some crazy shit or that I believe "all" men are problem solvers and "all" women are not, which again, I never said, and I'm sorry that a couple of you inferred that (but I'm pretty sure that was to be expected and typical MUD).



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  • behsco90behsco90 member
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    Thanks again guys!  As for George's mom not saying anything to him about it being tacky and rude, FI's culture is pretty different, and to be specific, their rules of "etiquette" are completely different than what I am used to, or what most of you are used to, especially when it comes to weddings.  They'll have dollar dances, invitations are super informal (facebook or word of mouth) and people invited will bring their own friends to the wedding.  There may also be pot lucks, or BYOB.  It's very very informal, so George and his mom may have a completely different idea of what me and my FI's wedding will be like.

    I understand our wedding is a ways off, so I am hoping he will just forget or come up with a new idea in the meantime.
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  • offensivekitten2offensivekitten2 member
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    Why in the name of everything holy did not one of the string of people involved not stop the boyfriend's proposal idea in its tracks? This should have never even been given enough validation to make it to the bride.

    OP, you can show your FI this post: what this dude is thinking of doing will make him look like a jerk, and his girlfriend like a attention whore. If she is sane, she will be beyond mortified to be proposed to like this, because the entire room will be side-eyeing them. This isn't a matter of your bride's opinion at all, but rather a situation where you need to nut up and save the both of them from looking like assholes in front of thier nearest and dearest. It doesn't matter if you think it's ok, you just need to know that most people don't. Like farting on children, no real harm done, but the entire room thinks you are a disgusting jerk as a result.

    OP, if this dude follows through anyway, don't pay it any mind. Ignore it, and in ten minutes it'll be dust under the rug.



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  • rajahmdrajahmd member
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    offensivekitten2 said:
    Why in the name of everything holy did not one of the string of people involved not stop the boyfriend's proposal idea in its tracks? This should have never even been given enough validation to make it to the bride. OP, you can show your FI this post: what this dude is thinking of doing will make him look like a jerk, and his girlfriend like a attention whore. If she is sane, she will be beyond mortified to be proposed to like this, because the entire room will be side-eyeing them. This isn't a matter of your bride's opinion at all, but rather a situation where you need to nut up and save the both of them from looking like assholes in front of thier nearest and dearest. It doesn't matter if you think it's ok, you just need to know that most people don't. Like farting on children, no real harm done, but the entire room thinks you are a disgusting jerk as a result. OP, if this dude follows through anyway, don't pay it any mind. Ignore it, and in ten minutes it'll be dust under the rug.
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  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    morphemes said:


    STBMrsEverhart said:

    Oh for fuck's sake, I'm not going to start every comment I make with a preamble so as to make sure everyone knows that I'm not lumping in every single last fill-in-the-blank in to one group. 

    Saying that men are problems solvers isn't the same as saying women aren't. 


    What the...what?!!
    ...you definitely don't have to do a preamble, but realize anytime you start a sentence with "Women are______" or "Men are_____" you are stereotyping an entire group of people which is offensive (Why not--"Sounds like your FI is more of a problem solver while you just need to vent and let it out."?). WHY do you need to bring gender into it at all? It's offensive and it's never the right way to go. I mean never. Not just with gender. Would it be ok if I said "White people are problem solvers" "Jewish people just need to vent." Yea.........it's offensive no matter what type of generalization you're making. Just don't do it. 




    If people couldn't glean what was intended by my post without offense, it's not my job to dumb it down or make it PC. Like Mr. E's future knuckle tattoo: NMFP what "offends" people, particularly those looking for things to be offended about. Good grief.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    You are not being too sensitive or ungracious to not want this happening at your wedding. I'm with the other PP's that, because it is far in the future, to wait a bit and see how things shake out.  Maybe they break up, maybe he proposes long before.

    With that said, as the wedding days gets closer and it looks like this is still a possibility, I don't think it is out of line at all for your FI to say something.

    And for the PPs who think no one would actually propose at someone's wedding, I have a story to tell.  A good friend of mine was getting married and, a few weeks before the wedding her MOH...yes MOH...came up to her all excited and said her b/f was thinking of proposing to her at the wedding.  In no uncertain terms, she nipped that in the bud quick.

    Quite frankly, her MOH was very "marriage hungry" and I think the whole ridiculous idea was hers to begin with...not her b/f's.  In fact, they dated another year after the wedding and never got engaged.

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  • BrandNewJBrandNewJ member
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    missax said:
    behsco90 said:
    Thanks again guys!  As for George's mom not saying anything to him about it being tacky and rude, FI's culture is pretty different, and to be specific, their rules of "etiquette" are completely different than what I am used to, or what most of you are used to, especially when it comes to weddings.  They'll have dollar dances, invitations are super informal (facebook or word of mouth) and people invited will bring their own friends to the wedding.  There may also be pot lucks, or BYOB.  It's very very informal, so George and his mom may have a completely different idea of what me and my FI's wedding will be like.

    I understand our wedding is a ways off, so I am hoping he will just forget or come up with a new idea in the meantime.
    I wasn't aware being rude was a culture.

    Cousin potentially proposing is THE LEAST of your etiquette worries. As @missax said, This isn't culture, it's rude. Host your own wedding, do not make his and your family host it for you.
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  • KnightsNurseKnightsNurse member
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    I went to a wedding where this happened. It was the bride's sister (who was always a very competitive sibling). Nobody except for the sister's parents thought this was at all acceptable--especially because it was made into a BIG 20 minute production (using the DJ'S equipment after telling him it was a toast for the new couple) with the FI making a big speech and the sister squealing so loud every guest cranes their neck to find out what's going on. Trust me OP, if this happens most everyone will think it's tasteless and rude anyway. But you know what the bride did that day? Smiled, sucked it up, congratulated her sister and went back to celebrating with her new husband. I think she got more compliments on how she handled that situation than anything else that (wonderfully hosted) day. So be that bride and don't let George get to you and make you so pissed it'll ruin your day, you'll regret it later. All this to say if it really does even happen. There's lots of time between now and then so I would say just chill for now and see how everything unfolds...
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  • katiebelle2882katiebelle2882 member
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    This is probably the tackiest thing anyone can possibly do at a wedding. It's far away so maybe they will break up-but more likely he will propose at your wedding and make himself look like a neanderthal-ish loser for not being smart enough to realize that its tacky and rude. Let him out himself to the entire family as a clueless idiot. You are the one who will look good in the end by handling it graciously.

    And I don't think it would be appropriate in any culture honestly. You can't find a better, or even more special day for you as a couple than a wedding in a different culture. Embarassing for these two.
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