Wedding Etiquette Forum

Stupid post, sorry!

2

Re: Stupid post, sorry!

  • I didn't want to call out specific people because I didn't want to get into a nasty back-and-forth thing with anyone or make someone thing I was attacking them. I don't understand your problem with me saying "bitches will be bitches." I was just agreeing with a comment that yeah, it probably won't fix anything to say that people are rude because they will still be rude. As I said, my point in posting was just to make a statement: "hey let's be nice." I didn't realize I needed to be so specific. I've only been aware of these boards for a couple weeks so I guess I still don't get exactly how everything runs. I thought I could say a general statement that in my opinion it isn't necessary to get mean.




    This is the irony and vicious cycle on the boards.  A poster will begin a thread by stating, "I want to have a huge gap, followed by a cash bar.  What cute poem can I write to inform my guests?"  Responders will point out that those two things are rude and improper as a host.  That will inevitably be followed by the OP boo-hooing about the mean girls on the boards, whining that they don't KNOW her or her special circumstances, and our responses are rude.  The advice was appropriate.  But it was interpreted by a rude OP to be rude because it dared to disagree with her plans.  The advice did not fix anything because the rude OP will continue to be rude.  But on an etiquette board, improper hosting will always be pointed out, even knowing the predictable outcome from some of the "special ones". 
  • I saw nothing in that thread that should have caused this thread. In fact that thread was pretty damn tame, if not nice, compared to other threads on these boards.


  • I saw nothing in that thread that should have caused this thread. In fact that thread was pretty damn tame, if not nice, compared to other threads on these boards.
    No kidding lol. That was definitely one of the tamer threads around here.
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  • PDKH said:

    I saw nothing in that thread that should have caused this thread. In fact that thread was pretty damn tame, if not nice, compared to other threads on these boards.
    No kidding lol. That was definitely one of the tamer threads around here.
    Seriously, I assumed OP was referencing a completely different thread.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OP, I accept your mea culpa and suggest you lurk for a while longer and get a better feel for the overall tone of the boards before you throw out any more accusations. You'll find that people aren't as mean as you initially assumed.
    This is true. When I first started lurking on these boards, I was shocked by some of what I read. Then I stuck around and found that in the vast majority of cases, I agree with the posts and how they're worded. 

    Now that I've been here a while, I'm actually quite surprised (and a little embarrassed) by my initial impression. If I were to go back and read those "shocking" posts, there's a very good chance that I wouldn't see them in the same light now.

    These girls really do mean well, and 99.9 per cent of the time the way they word posts is entirely appropriate to the tone set by the OP.
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  • Also, I think the tone is way more chill now than it was a couple years ago when I first started lurking.  What hasn't changed is the way people respond to being told no when they just want validation.  
  • OP, I accept your mea culpa and suggest you lurk for a while longer and get a better feel for the overall tone of the boards before you throw out any more accusations. You'll find that people aren't as mean as you initially assumed.
    This is true. When I first started lurking on these boards, I was shocked by some of what I read. Then I stuck around and found that in the vast majority of cases, I agree with the posts and how they're worded. 

    Now that I've been here a while, I'm actually quite surprised (and a little embarrassed) by my initial impression. If I were to go back and read those "shocking" posts, there's a very good chance that I wouldn't see them in the same light now.

    These girls really do mean well, and 99.9 per cent of the time the way they word posts is entirely appropriate to the tone set by the OP.


    stuck in the box
    Thanks for the advice. I was clearly a little too anxious to jump into things. Me and my big mouth lol. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    Ugh.  Really, this again?

    OP, I get that you have backed off.  I just don't see the point of trying to control how others post.  And then to just make a general blanket statement with no usernames and not even call out the specific thread until asked to elaborate... it's totally unhelpful.

    Every once in a while a thread goes off the rails. I've seen it happen.  And the TK regs are usually the first ones to call out another reg who steps over the lines.  But most of the time when somebody is whining about how mean they are, it's because they just wanted validation for their bad ideas.
    I get it now, and again, I'm sorry. Like I said in an earlier post, I'm still pretty new to the message boards so I really didn't realize people have posted stuff like this before. I'll never do it again, people! Lesson learned!

    You really thought in all the years TK has been around that nobody had ever made a post like this? Really? ETA: I realize you already apologized, and I accept that, but saying you didn't think anyone had ever posted like this before annoyed me. I hate when posters come along thinking they are going to single-handedly change TK.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I agree with PP that this particular thread isn't the way to go about "calling out" bad behavior. 

    However, just to play devil's advocate: There have been times (rare times! Like, really rare!) that I thought a comment was over the line or shitty (not TOS-violating, but terms-of-being-a-decent-person-violating) and I declined to reply in-thread saying so. Why? Because often times someone (usually the OP, but occasionally a reg or another poster) has already said, "Really? That was uncalled for" and three or four posters rear their heads and inform the "defender" why they're full of it, why it was TOTALLY okay for the offending person to say what they said, why "the nature of a forum" means that you just shut up when someone hurts your feelings. And I just didn't want to get into a back-and-forth about it, because "Hey, don't be a dick!" and "I'll be a dick if I want, and also I disagree that I was a dick" conversations never go anywhere and just piss me off. 

    Perhaps this makes me a coward, but there it is. So no, it isn't always the case that "regs are the first to call out inappropriate comments." Sometimes the regs who are more tolerant of "mean" tones or personal digs are also the regs who are more likely to be really vocal and opinionated. Which they are entitled to be! I'm not saying they're wrong for having those opinions or stating them. Even the posts that I might find cruel or unnecessary have a right to be posted, but I really don't love it when someone says "Hey, not cool!" and the wrath of the "We say whatever we want, fucking deal with it" regs rains down upon the defender. 

    TL;DR I think there's a difference, in some threads, between "telling people how to post" and genuinely saying, "hey, that hurt my feelings. Please don't." The former is lame and will never work, but the latter should be encouraged, in my opinion, if only to keep things civil in our awesome community. Speshul Snowflakes are exceptions to this; they yell and scream all the time anyway. I'm talking about otherwise reasonable OPs and defenders who are often drowned out if they dare to admit that something that was said upset them.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Code corgi anyone?
    (I can't do Gifs or I'd post myself. Sad.)  
    ________________________________


  • I got you, @thisismynickname

    51 Corgi GIFs That Will Change Your Life
    51 Corgi GIFs That Will Change Your Life
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    Funny Awkward animated GIF
  • OP, you've been around long enough to know what a DD will do...
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Also, I noticed that you changed the title of the thread. On these boards, changing it to something meant to discourage others from reading it will, in fact, do the opposite. They'll see the title, think "oh, I wonder why OP changed it?" and then read it to find out. 

    It brings more traffic than the thread would have gotten otherwise.
    Crap. Did not know that either lol,
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  • OP, you've been around long enough to know what a DD will do...
    And honestly, not at all trying to be a jackass or play dumb, I do not know what DD stands for. Took me a few days already to figure out FI, BM, FSIL, etc etc.
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  • Just to throw my two cents in, that thread with the bride who didn't want her FI's friends to come? It was really not necessary for someone to tell her that she needs counseling. Sure, she definitely came across as controlling at first, but her OP was a FAR CRY from "The very sight of wine makes me want to burst into tears." THAT one can definitely use some therapy. A bride who doesn't want people that she thinks are jerks at her wedding? That's normal! Replace "FI's friends" with "cousins/aunts/siblings/SOs" and you've got a thread that gets posted here a couple times a week. 

    The fact that she felt so strongly about it that she would take total control of the wedding from her FI? Yeah, that's a bit much, and I felt that she A) was given a healthy dose of reality in a VERY respectful way and B) took that advice, shifted her perspective, and acquiesced to doing the right thing. Then you have someone come along and say "What's wrong with you, you're such a control-freak! Halt your wedding planning and go get some counseling!" THAT is the uncalled for, unnecessary BS that contributes to a "Mean Girls" atmosphere. We're not therapists, and aside from the really obvious posts like the Alcohol-Free Wedding Weekend Bride, we shouldn't be so quick as to diagnose mental problems. That's really toeing the line of appropriateness, IMO.

    And while we're talking about posting manners and forum etiquette, I'm well aware that I blew up like a volcano in that thread about how to address people. I know all the F-Bombs weren't called for, but I was extremely pissed off that someone felt so pretentious as to tell me that they were "frowning for me on the inside." Right before she told me to give myself some time to grow and live and once I reach her age, I'll probably think the way she does. That type of shit I cannot stand for.
  • DD stands for Dirty Delete. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • AddieCake said:
    DD stands for Dirty Delete. 


    Dang. I just can't win today! Thanks for filling me in, though.
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  • Just to throw my two cents in, that thread with the bride who didn't want her FI's friends to come? It was really not necessary for someone to tell her that she needs counseling. Sure, she definitely came across as controlling at first, but her OP was a FAR CRY from "The very sight of wine makes me want to burst into tears." THAT one can definitely use some therapy. A bride who doesn't want people that she thinks are jerks at her wedding? That's normal! Replace "FI's friends" with "cousins/aunts/siblings/SOs" and you've got a thread that gets posted here a couple times a week. 

    The fact that she felt so strongly about it that she would take total control of the wedding from her FI? Yeah, that's a bit much, and I felt that she A) was given a healthy dose of reality in a VERY respectful way and B) took that advice, shifted her perspective, and acquiesced to doing the right thing. Then you have someone come along and say "What's wrong with you, you're such a control-freak! Halt your wedding planning and go get some counseling!" THAT is the uncalled for, unnecessary BS that contributes to a "Mean Girls" atmosphere. We're not therapists, and aside from the really obvious posts like the Alcohol-Free Wedding Weekend Bride, we shouldn't be so quick as to diagnose mental problems. That's really toeing the line of appropriateness, IMO.

    And while we're talking about posting manners and forum etiquette, I'm well aware that I blew up like a volcano in that thread about how to address people. I know all the F-Bombs weren't called for, but I was extremely pissed off that someone felt so pretentious as to tell me that they were "frowning for me on the inside." Right before she told me to give myself some time to grow and live and once I reach her age, I'll probably think the way she does. That type of shit I cannot stand for.
    Right, this was kind of my point of things getting a bit too mean and unnecessarily so, but you did a far better job stating it than I did lol
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  • Just to throw my two cents in, that thread with the bride who didn't want her FI's friends to come? It was really not necessary for someone to tell her that she needs counseling. Sure, she definitely came across as controlling at first, but her OP was a FAR CRY from "The very sight of wine makes me want to burst into tears." THAT one can definitely use some therapy. A bride who doesn't want people that she thinks are jerks at her wedding? That's normal! Replace "FI's friends" with "cousins/aunts/siblings/SOs" and you've got a thread that gets posted here a couple times a week. 

    The fact that she felt so strongly about it that she would take total control of the wedding from her FI? Yeah, that's a bit much, and I felt that she A) was given a healthy dose of reality in a VERY respectful way and B) took that advice, shifted her perspective, and acquiesced to doing the right thing. Then you have someone come along and say "What's wrong with you, you're such a control-freak! Halt your wedding planning and go get some counseling!" THAT is the uncalled for, unnecessary BS that contributes to a "Mean Girls" atmosphere. We're not therapists, and aside from the really obvious posts like the Alcohol-Free Wedding Weekend Bride, we shouldn't be so quick as to diagnose mental problems. That's really toeing the line of appropriateness, IMO.

    And while we're talking about posting manners and forum etiquette, I'm well aware that I blew up like a volcano in that thread about how to address people. I know all the F-Bombs weren't called for, but I was extremely pissed off that someone felt so pretentious as to tell me that they were "frowning for me on the inside." Right before she told me to give myself some time to grow and live and once I reach her age, I'll probably think the way she does. That type of shit I cannot stand for.
    Right, this was kind of my point of things getting a bit too mean and unnecessarily so, but you did a far better job stating it than I did lol
    Right,but then quote that user and say, "Hey, look, all we know here is that she's freaking out about these people being invited. She's taking the advice well and likely had a freak out bridezilla moment. Most brides too. As long as her and her FI can talk it out and she can learn to let this one go, they'll be fine."

    That's what I mean by calling people out. You don't have to tell the user they are a mean girl or a bitch, just explain why you think their post was out of line. 
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  • Just to throw my two cents in, that thread with the bride who didn't want her FI's friends to come? It was really not necessary for someone to tell her that she needs counseling. Sure, she definitely came across as controlling at first, but her OP was a FAR CRY from "The very sight of wine makes me want to burst into tears." THAT one can definitely use some therapy. A bride who doesn't want people that she thinks are jerks at her wedding? That's normal! Replace "FI's friends" with "cousins/aunts/siblings/SOs" and you've got a thread that gets posted here a couple times a week. 

    The fact that she felt so strongly about it that she would take total control of the wedding from her FI? Yeah, that's a bit much, and I felt that she A) was given a healthy dose of reality in a VERY respectful way and B) took that advice, shifted her perspective, and acquiesced to doing the right thing. Then you have someone come along and say "What's wrong with you, you're such a control-freak! Halt your wedding planning and go get some counseling!" THAT is the uncalled for, unnecessary BS that contributes to a "Mean Girls" atmosphere. We're not therapists, and aside from the really obvious posts like the Alcohol-Free Wedding Weekend Bride, we shouldn't be so quick as to diagnose mental problems. That's really toeing the line of appropriateness, IMO.

    And while we're talking about posting manners and forum etiquette, I'm well aware that I blew up like a volcano in that thread about how to address people. I know all the F-Bombs weren't called for, but I was extremely pissed off that someone felt so pretentious as to tell me that they were "frowning for me on the inside." Right before she told me to give myself some time to grow and live and once I reach her age, I'll probably think the way she does. That type of shit I cannot stand for.
    They could have meant pre-marriage counseling, which I think is totally appropriate and a good idea for everyone who is engaged.

    There's a difference between pre-marriage counseling and mental health counseling.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Code corgi anyone?
    (I can't do Gifs or I'd post myself. Sad.)  

    Talk to @lolo883.  She got me all fixed up gif wise!!  :D

    image 

  • You were quoted....there is no point in DD'ing.....it wont make it stop.
  • lolo883, can you make that a sticky somewhere?  I don't think that one would get 50 pages of arguments:)
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