Got my answer: thanks for the input.

landd2014 · August 2014

beethery · August 2014

That's between your fiancé and his daughter to decide. Even if they danced together, it's not really going to affect you.

kns1988 · August 2014

It's not something I've seen before, and it would strike me as a little unnecessary. BUT I think you should get on board with it if it's something that your fiance wants.

If it's something your fiance is indifferent about, then you and he (or he alone) should politely tell her that you're only planning on doing X dances at your wedding. Don't take it upon yourself to tell her because that makes it too easy for her to turn you into the "evil" stepmother.

To be honest, you sound pretty bitter about his kids. That could really cause issues down the road, so I hope you've talked to him about all of your concerns.

mschristie123 · August 2014

Wooooooww..... Well I'm glad my siggy is appropriate.

kns1988 · August 2014

landd2014 said:

I have a problem. my future step-daughter (age 22) wants to have a father-daughter dance with my fiancé. i'm definitely not comfortable with it for the following: she just recently came into his life after a complicated/ stressful/ dysfunctional upbringing and though he's trying to mend their relationship she always brings drama with her. it always seems as though she tries to make everything about her. she had a baby a year ago (out of wedlock) and she's constantly bringing up how she's never getting married and all that other "i'm so miserable without anyone in my life" bull. I think she's just trying to find a way to make MY day about her. Throughout our wedding planning my fiancé has had a say in everything we are doing... never did I make it all about me. But i feel as though I have to draw the line here because this is MY first and only marriage (he is divorced; has too many kids; etc) so I feel that THIS wedding should be about ME. I would understand if he actually raised her and was close to her but at this point I don't think it's appropriate. The father-daughter dance is supposed to be about the bride and her father---not the groom and his daughter. Am i wrong in thinking this?

I guess I kind of glossed over this part when I first read it...

tigersgirlgv · August 2014

Does your fiancé want to have this dance? If not, then the answer is easy and he can just tell her they're not doing it (more nicely than that of course).

If he's interested, you could possibly have them pick a special song to plan to have played and dance to during the reception, but not make it a spotlight dance right after your first dance. Then they'd still be sure to get a chance to dance together, but not make it all about her. If she's asking this because she just wants to dance with her dad, this solution should be fine; if she's just in it for attention, she may not go for it.

Either way, first step is to figure out what FI wants.

jules3964 · August 2014

Does your FI want to do the dance with her? If yes, that's your answer -- it's his wedding day too, and you should stay out of it. This dance does not affect you in any way.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

As a guest, I usually get bored during spotlight dances. So I'm neutral on this topic. But, you seem to have some things a bit out of balance here with your future step daughter. For example, it's irrelevant that she had get child out of wedlock. Mentioning that came across as a dig. You also are really determined that this be YOUR day. Trust me, you are marrying the man you love. People will focus on that no matter what.

You claim that you have never made this about you. Well, with this post, you have.

I encourage you to look at the big picture and improve your attitude regarding your FSDIL.

Simply Fated · August 2014

This is up to your fiance. It's your wedding day, but it's also his.

AddieCake · August 2014

Your fiance "has too many kids"? Ummmm, is that for you to judge? Does he know you feel this way?

Couggal12 · August 2014

How is one dance going to suddenly stop a wedding from being about you and your FI? Are the guests suddenly going to forget why they are there?

Kahlyla · August 2014

I mean, I think having so many spotlight dances is kind of lame anyway (don't mean to be snarky, I've had a little wine...), so why don't they just have a dance together at some point without it being a big to-do? Our parent dances were just us dancing with our parents to appropriate songs with a full dance floor; it wasn't a big deal and no one else was asked to sit out for the duration. Later on, I danced with my new FIL, my BIL, my brother danced with our mom, etc.

You can both dance with anyone and everyone at your wedding, so why not just do it and not make a big deal about it?

landd2014 · August 2014

Thank you all for your input. There is a lot more behind our situation with her; I opened my heart and my home to her after having the baby (which i was just trying to state that she wasn't married when she had him and is constantly putting it out there that she needs a man; i'm not judging her but it can get annoying hearing it day in and day out and whenever anything about our wedding comes up).... things were fine at first but she couldn't handle the "parenting" from us and decided to move out on the worst terms. We are slowly mending that bridge. As for the other kids... that's another story of him trying to mend his relationship with them and I encourage and support him to do so but it just hurts me to see how badly they treat him. I don't have a problem with him having kids... it's their attitude towards him that causes the "bitterness" and he is aware of this.

Obviously I am going to discuss this with him but I was just looking for some feedback.

StitelME · August 2014

I agree with the PPs who are suggesting that you just do not make the dance a spotlight dance. It feels like the best option for you and your concerns. 1) If the FSDIL is just looking to be the center of attention, it doesn't draw the same attention as a spotlight dance and 2) your FI gets to dance w/ her w/o you having to look like a bridezilla for denying her this request.

However, if it is really important to your FI to have a spotlight dance, I would let him have it.

MollyandD · August 2014

I can't believe you said he has too many kids! These are his children, whether you think there are too many or not. Saying he has several children and isn't close to all of them is one thing, but to say there are too many... I'd feel awful if my dad's wife or mom's husband thought there were too many kids. It would make me feel like someone thought I shouldn't exist.

landd2014 · August 2014

ok... i didn't mean anything by him "having too many kids"... it was the wrong thing to say. I'm sorry!!

jules3964 · August 2014

landd2014 said:

I have a problem. my future step-daughter (age 22) wants to have a father-daughter dance with my fiancé. i'm definitely not comfortable with it for the following: she just recently came into his life after a complicated/ stressful/ dysfunctional upbringing and though he's trying to mend their relationship she always brings drama with her. it always seems as though she tries to make everything about her. she had a baby a year ago (out of wedlock) and she's constantly bringing up how she's never getting married and all that other "i'm so miserable without anyone in my life" bull. I think she's just trying to find a way to make MY day about her. Throughout our wedding planning my fiancé has had a say in everything we are doing... never did I make it all about me. But i feel as though I have to draw the line here because this is MY first and only marriage (he is divorced; has too many kids; etc) so I feel that THIS wedding should be about ME. I would understand if he actually raised her and was close to her but at this point I don't think it's appropriate. The father-daughter dance is supposed to be about the bride and her father---not the groom and his daughter. Am i wrong in thinking this?

This also seems like a jab at your fiancé since he's divorced. Like it's *your* first marriage, so it's more important or special for you. You are merging families here; it's not just about you.

MairePoppy · August 2014

Will your fi be having a spotlight dance with his mother? Perhaps his daughter could cut in half way through to limit the spotlight dances. This is a decision your fi should make.

If he and his daughter are trying to work on their difficult relationship, you should support the effort. That's how it is when you marry a man with children.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

Code Corgi!

SmileDamnit · August 2014

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

bride2b71614 · August 2014

I don't know what is more inappropriate, the fact that you are too immature to "share" your wedding with your future family members, or the fact that your step daughter had a child "out of wedlock". As a person who had a child "out of wedlock" I strongly suggest that YOU get with the times. Family dynamics have changed over the last few years, and I think its incredibly unfortunate that you feel the need to judge a person because they have a child prior to getting married.

As for your step daughter, get over it. You should be supporting your FI's effort to get back in touch with his daughter, not stomping your feet over it.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

DAFUQ did I just read? OP, your priorities are way out of line. If you weren't marrying a man with a 22-year-old daughter, I'd think you were a teen bride. MEMEME.

Code Corgi initiated:

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

I have a 22 year old SD. If she asked for a special dance with her dad, I might think it to be odd because she doesn't have that type of relationship with her dad. That, and we'd then have to do one with my other SD, too.

I know what it's like to have a SD that isn't little miss perfect. It sucks when it causes problems. We had many an argument over things. But, at the end of the day, it's his daughter, his decision. Especially at that age.

steph861 · August 2014

smichek said:

Sooooo what does code corgi mean other than adorable corgi gifs that make me want a corgi?

When an OP DDs their post.

mysticl · August 2014

smichek said:

Sooooo what does code corgi mean other than adorable corgi gifs that make me want a corgi?

Corgis are awesome. We have one. He's so sweet and adorable.

beethery · August 2014

Or for when someone has versions of "truth" and will not give up the ghost.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

landd2014 said:

Thank you all for your input. There is a lot more behind our situation with her; I opened my heart and my home to her after having the baby (which i was just trying to state that she wasn't married when she had him and is constantly putting it out there that she needs a man; i'm not judging her but it can get annoying hearing it day in and day out and whenever anything about our wedding comes up).... things were fine at first but she couldn't handle the "parenting" from us and decided to move out on the worst terms. We are slowly mending that bridge. As for the other kids... that's another story of him trying to mend his relationship with them and I encourage and support him to do so but it just hurts me to see how badly they treat him. I don't have a problem with him having kids... it's their attitude towards him that causes the "bitterness" and he is aware of this.

Obviously I am going to discuss this with him but I was just looking for some feedback.

JIC

climbingsingle · August 2014

Why does he have such poor relationships with all of his kids? You say they treat him poorly. Maybe there's more to the story than you know.

Listen, I do think it's a bit odd that she wants to dance with her dad at your wedding. But if he wants to dance with her, there's not much you can do. Are you going to stomp your feet and yell, "This is MY DAY. It's about ME, not her!"

Making comments about her having a child out of wedlock and him having too many kids is just wrong. For real.

sarawifenow · August 2014

scrunchythief · August 2014

Got my answer: thanks for the input.

Re: Got my answer: thanks for the input.

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