Groom's family doesn't seem to be interested, should I reach out to them?

Re: Groom's family doesn't seem to be interested, should I reach out to them?

• taneisha23 member

  

  August 2014

  I think your fiance should try asking his family, "hey, you want to be more involved in this process?" It's half his wedding too, so I would think he's perfectly capable of asking his family--ESPECIALLY if there is already a language barrier. Don't let him say "I don't know." Insist he find out. If the answer is yes, let him be the liaison between you and his family, so it makes things easier for you. And if they aren't interested, try and include them in small ways for the rest of the process maybe, like calling his mom and giving her updates about where you're at: "I got the flowers ordered  today.." "I'm having trouble deciding on this, what do you think?" or what have you. 

  
  

  I think they should definitely be invited to the rehearsal dinner. That's for close family and out-of-towners (generally..I think...), so they should be included, even if they don't have an opinion about being included in the planning process. After all, they will be your family too, and your childrens grandparents, so start building that relationship now, even if they seem a little distant. 

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• zitiqueen member

  

  August 2014

  emz101 said:

  So I am getting married in 4 months and I have yet to have my fiancé's family congratulate us, let alone acknowledge the wedding. I don't know his parents very well as they are not originally from Canada and their English is limited and I don't know a word of Portuguese so obviously our conversations are a little difficult. Since they haven't reached out to me in any form I haven't included them in any part of wedding planning, I have told my fiancé if they want to be involved I would gladly find ways to include them, but when I ask him if they want to be included he just says he doesn't know. My family is paying for my entire wedding so obviously they are involved in everything. I am just starting now to think about having a rehearsal dinner and I have no clue if I should invite them. I know traditionally the grooms family hosts the rehearsal dinner, but I don't expect this to happen so I am prepared to pay for it. I guess really I want to know what you other brides would do in this situation. It just seems odd that they don't have any interest in being involved considering that my fiancé is their only son, they work together in a family business everyday and they live all of 15 min away from us. Opinions?

  I think it's odd that your FI can't ask his own family himself whether or not they want to be involved in his wedding.
  

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• MNNEBride member

  

  August 2014

  My first thought is that no one is trying very hard to make a connection here.  

  
  

  Also, didn't we have a WW regular way back who's Portuguese MIL cried through the whole wedding festivities and they weren't tears of joy?

  

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• VarunaTT member

  

  August 2014

  Yes, Paulo's Msomething Bsomething.

  
  

  Have you ever considered that they might feel awkward with a language barrier?  There's a lot of "me, me, me" in your post.  Try and flip your vision and put yourself in their shoes.  Your FI needs to be helping out here too.

  �

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• MNNEBride member

  

  August 2014

  Thanks, V!

  

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• JasperandOpal member

  

  August 2014

  The undercurrent I am getting from your post is that your FI is not very involved with the wedding planning.  He should be more involved.  Speak to him directly and don't take "I don't know" for an answer.  He does not have a language barrier with his parents and so he should be speaking with them directly.  It may be that they have no interest in helping plan a wedding, some parents don't, but it could also be that they are nervous to approach you because of the language barrier and perhaps because of cultural barriers/traditions that they aren't sure of.  I don't know anything about Portuguese weddings, but just because something is traditional in Canada (the FI family paying for the rehearsal), doesn't mean its traditional for them.  They might not even know that there is such a thing as a rehearsal dinner. 

  
  

  At any rate, even if they do not want to be involved in the wedding planning at all, they are your FI's family so I would think you would want them at the rehearsal.  Again, talk to FI, does he want them there?  I would imagine he does. 

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• emz101 member

  

  August 2014

  Thanks taneisha23 for the advice and non-judgmental and rude responses some other people are giving. I spoke with him today about it and he told me his mom doesn't mention anything because everytime she asks him he gives her the same I don't know answer her gives me. I told him to invite his parents to go out with us for dinner next week so I can talk to them language barrier or not, since I do really want a relationship with them. To some of the other ladies with the less then polite responses, please do not judge me or my relationship, as I do not judge any other people who ask questions. What works in my relationship might not in yours or vice versa. Lets support eachother not judge eachother.

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• *Barbie* member

  

  August 2014

  if PMB was still around, you guys could share war stories and recipes for phallic sausage stew. 
  
  Your FI is the key in this situation - if he sees his family daily, and you're having the challenge of a language barrier - then he's going to do a majority of the communicating.

  
  

  I'm wondering what efforts you're making at bridging the gap - are you attempting to learn some Portuguese? Have you asked your H or his family about incorporating Portuguese wedding traditions? As PP stated - just because something is traditional in Canada, doesn't mean that holds true for other cultures. 
  
  I can't believe that you're even questioning not inviting your ILs to the rehearsal dinner because they haven't offered to pay/host - it's not as if you're telling us that they're abusive deadbeats and your FI wants nothing to do with them. They obviously play a big part in his life, and I think he'd be pretty upset if he found out you were even thinking of that.

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• emz101 member

  

  August 2014

  Update: @*Barbie* I have been learning Portuguese, but as anyone who learns another language I know the basics and can't really hold a conversation yet. I am incorporating as many of his traditions as I can, however my fiancé is the quiet type who says whatever I want is fine, so I am mainly going off of a couple small things I know like food. As well I never assumed that my in laws wouldn't come to the rehearsal I just didn't know what to do about our situation and wanted some advice. Like I said before, I have made plans to see them and figure things out. If I didn't want them to be part of our wedding I would just go about and do it not come here for advice. My fiancé knows I am frustrated about how little his parents are involved and I am doing something to change it.

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• zitiqueen member

  

  August 2014

  emz101 said:

  Thanks taneisha23 for the advice and non-judgmental and rude responses some other people are giving. I spoke with him today about it and he told me his mom doesn't mention anything because everytime she asks him he gives her the same I don't know answer her gives me. I told him to invite his parents to go out with us for dinner next week so I can talk to them language barrier or not, since I do really want a relationship with them. To some of the other ladies with the less then polite responses, please do not judge me or my relationship, as I do not judge any other people who ask questions. What works in my relationship might not in yours or vice versa. Lets support eachother not judge eachother
  

  Which responses were less than polite?
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  emz101 said:

  Thanks taneisha23 for the advice and non-judgmental and rude responses some other people are giving. I spoke with him today about it and he told me his mom doesn't mention anything because everytime she asks him he gives her the same I don't know answer her gives me. I told him to invite his parents to go out with us for dinner next week so I can talk to them language barrier or not, since I do really want a relationship with them. To some of the other ladies with the less then polite responses, please do not judge me or my relationship, as I do not judge any other people who ask questions. What works in my relationship might not in yours or vice versa. Lets support eachother not judge eachother.

  Seriously?  No one here was rude or judgemental, but objective about the situation at hand. You have a cultural and language barrier in this situation and everyone gave great responses on how to handle that.  

  
  

  The overall suggestion is that your FI HAS to get more involved and be the go-between to make up the gaps.  Start with HIM and asking HIM to help you so that HIS family can be more involved.  It's not a judgment on your relationship (but you being defensive makes me raise an eyebrow), but a statement of fact if you want to move past this impasse with his family. 

  
  

  You want a suggestion that doesn't involve mentioning your FI?  Hire an interpreter and see if they can get some ideas/suggestion/involvement out of your future in laws. 

  
  

  If you don't want opinions, don't write a whole post and a then type "Opinions?" at the bottom of it and then get mad when people SHARE their opinion on what you wrote.    And we can only go off what you wrote. AND tone is really hard to interpret on the internets. 

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2014

  Nobody is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you are.  Nobody.  Not your parents, not your sister, not your friends.  I got the third degree from my sister about why I wasn't helping her with her wedding plans, asking her about her wedding plans, calling her regularly about her freaking wedding plans.  Reason?  I didn't care about her wedding plans.  Her wedding was awesome, but I didn't need to know details or options or color schemes or dress styles or locations or venues or cake flavors or anything else beforehand.  Maybe your FILs will be at your wedding with huge grins on their faces and happier than can be imagined, but they feel about the planning aspect of your wedding the same way I felt about the planning aspect of my sister's wedding.

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