How best to handle awkward gift question from guest?

jenijoyk · August 2014

Today a coworker that I don't know that well, but that I invited to my wedding, emailed me asking if I would prefer cash or a gift from my registry. I responded, "Please don't worry about it, your presence and/or well wishes are really gift enough!" because what else can you possibly say to this question? He immediately responded, "No really. We could give cash, we could go in with other coworkers on a bigger gift, or we could get something off your registry. What do you prefer?" I mean..... huh??? I don't know! I prefer that you give me a gift if you want to, and not give one if you don't??? So I just wrote back again, "No really, it's completely up to you. Whatever you want to do. We are just excited you and [Wife's Name] are planning on coming!" Then.... silence. Am I being rude by not giving him a better answer? I get that he's trying to be nice, but.... awkward!

Liatris2010 · August 2014

jenijoyk said:

Today a coworker that I don't know that well, but that I invited to my wedding, emailed me asking if I would prefer cash or a gift from my registry. I responded, "Please don't worry about it, your presence and/or well wishes are really gift enough!" because what else can you possibly say to this question? He immediately responded, "No really. We could give cash, we could go in with other coworkers on a bigger gift, or we could get something off your registry. What do you prefer?" I mean..... huh??? I don't know! I prefer that you give me a gift if you want to, and not give one if you don't??? So I just wrote back again, "No really, it's completely up to you. Whatever you want to do. We are just excited you and [Wife's Name] are planning on coming!" Then.... silence. Am I being rude by not giving him a better answer? I get that he's trying to be nice, but.... awkward!

That is the best response. Bean dip him if he asks again.

bethsmiles · August 2014

Why do people have to be so awkward? I think your response was perfect.

manateehugger · August 2014

Maybe he's the office-designated guy to see how you feel about a big office present? Otherwise, WTF, dude? Get whatever present is easiest for you to do.

Otherwise, I'd just keep saying what you're saying.

scrunchythief · August 2014

l I totally get feeling awkward with this, as I hate questions like this. I know people mean well and I always try to make things easiest for others. But in this case I can never figure out which is actually easiest, because they might be having trouble deciding. liatris' response seems good and not as over-thought as any suggestion I'd have. I just wanted to show solidarity for being awkward around gift questions.

Disclaimer: I am not recommending to set anyone on fire:)

climbingsingle · August 2014

I think your response was perfect. He needs to take a hint.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

People can be so awkward. Obviously you weren't trying to answer the first 2 times...

If he asks again, tell him you want to be surprised.

JaxInBlue · August 2014

PDKH said:

Maybe he's the office-designated guy to see how you feel about a big office present? Otherwise, WTF, dude? Get whatever present is easiest for you to do.

Otherwise, I'd just keep saying what you're saying.

**SITB**
I was thinking this. It sounds like someone proposed a group gift or collection and this guy, for whatever reason, was task with trying to figure out what you'd like best. It doesn't make it less awkward for either of you, and I think you handle it really well, but I could totally see DH doing this if he was charged with figuring out the gift; he's just a get-to-the-point kind of person that wouldn't see asking as a problem if the end goal was to get you something you really wanted.

jenijoyk · August 2014

He totally just emailed again. "Can you send me links to all of your registries?"

So. Awkward.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

jenijoyk said:

He totally just emailed again. "Can you send me links to all of your registries?"
So. Awkward.

Make sure you give him back his red stapler, too.

KatieinBkln · August 2014

jenijoyk said:

He totally just emailed again. "Can you send me links to all of your registries?"
So. Awkward.

Um. Has he not heard of asking someone close to the bride/groom these questions?

I remember fielding this one from my old boss's clients. Which was the way to go, right? Ask his assistant; it's weird to say, "So direct me to the list of presents, please."

mysticl · August 2014

KatieinBkln said:

jenijoyk said:

He totally just emailed again. "Can you send me links to all of your registries?"
So. Awkward.

Um. Has he not heard of asking someone close to the bride/groom these questions?

I remember fielding this one from my old boss's clients. Which was the way to go, right? Ask his assistant; it's weird to say, "So direct me to the list of presents, please."

As a work friend maybe he doesn't know anyone close to the bride and groom.

SachaBee · August 2014

There should be a "point person" listed on the wedding website, no? (Or do you not have a website, which is fine too.)

huskypuppy14 · August 2014

Someone at work asked, would you prefer Gift A or gift B. I said whichever he wanted to give.

mysticl · August 2014

SachaBee said:

There should be a "point person" listed on the wedding website, no? (Or do you not have a website, which is fine too.)

Huh? The bride and groom are the point people, it's their wedding.

SachaBee · August 2014

Not for every question, no.... As someone stated above.... For gift questions you normally go to MOB or MOG

Kauris · August 2014

Can't he just Google your name to find the registry?

mysticl · August 2014

SachaBee said:

Not for every question, no.... As someone stated above.... For gift questions you normally go to MOB or MOG

If you know them. A coworker probably does not know those people and would feel uncomfortable contacting a stranger. Not to mention they wouldn't have that person's contact information.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

mysticl said:

SachaBee said:

Not for every question, no.... As someone stated above.... For gift questions you normally go to MOB or MOG

If you know them. A coworker probably does not know those people and would feel uncomfortable contacting a stranger. Not to mention they wouldn't have that person's contact information.

Yeah I would definitely find it strange if that was listed. "For questions on what presents to give us, please call my mom!"

sarahufl · August 2014

Frankly, I think he is tacky for keeping asking you. As an adult, is it THAT difficult to pick out a gift for someone?! You make it easy with a registry! He and his buddies should figure out how much they want to spend and pick something out.

That is really annoying.

Jen4948 · August 2014

mysticl said:

SachaBee said:

Not for every question, no.... As someone stated above.... For gift questions you normally go to MOB or MOG

If you know them. A coworker probably does not know those people and would feel uncomfortable contacting a stranger. Not to mention they wouldn't have that person's contact information.

The couple's mothers often aren't good people for other guests to ask either.

Most of my friends do not know my mother, and they also did not know my now ex-BF's mother, neither of whom would I have shared my gift preferences, if any. My ex-BF's friends never met my mother and some had never met his mother. My mother lived 1600 miles away, and he and his mother were very reserved people and most of his friends didn't know his mother. (There was at least one I know of who had, and they did not get along.) Had we gotten engaged, our friends not only would not have gone to our mothers to ask about gifts, the idea of going to our mothers probably would never have occurred to any of them.

The people to ask about their own gift preferences would be the couple.

OnceUponSnow · August 2014

I'm trying to be in this guy's shoes, and I'd really dislike if I enquired about someone's preference and they would pretend they don't have one, or try to avoid giving me an honest answer. You answer wasn't rude, but you did make it awkward for him by being really evasive in you first answer. It's not for you to tell him not to worry about gifts if he genuinely wants to give one. One should receive any gift graciously. Your 2nd answer was perfect, the first one kinda forced him to insist ...

Jen4948 · August 2014

flantastic said:

Eh, I feel for the poor guy.
IMO, it's better than people asking the B&G's opinion on something and then doing what you want anyway. He genuinely wants to know if you really want the $600 vacuum cleaner, and if so, they can make sure you get the thing you really want.
It's awkward as hell, but at least he's trying to be considerate.

The first time he asked the question he was trying to be considerate. But when the OP told him that it didn't matter what he gave them because his presence was what was important to her, he stopped being considerate when he pushed back.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

Just more solidarity here. I'm had several friends ask me variations of "Do I have to get you a gift?" (no!) and "You guys just want cash, right? Everybody wants cash!" (Erm... do whatever you want! But really I mean yes!)

It's always awkward. At least most of these people have been close friends so it's cool.

Jen4948 · August 2014

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Eh, I feel for the poor guy.
IMO, it's better than people asking the B&G's opinion on something and then doing what you want anyway. He genuinely wants to know if you really want the $600 vacuum cleaner, and if so, they can make sure you get the thing you really want.
It's awkward as hell, but at least he's trying to be considerate.

The first time he asked the question he was trying to be considerate. But when the OP told him that it didn't matter what he gave them because his presence was what was important to her, he stopped being considerate when he pushed back.

True. But he doesn't get that.
I'm seeing that I'm having trouble making people understand that I mean what I say when I give you the first answer and I'm not just being nice or accommodating. Like when I tell FMIL that I don't really want a shower and don't need gifts from people I don't know.
If OP had a real preference gift-wise and was just being nice and accommodating to her guest, that's what the "No really" was meant to accomplish - i.e. "you're not going to offend me by saying that you've got something that you really want, because we want to give that to you."

If the OP had a real gift preference, the time to have stated it was when he originally asked her. She didn't state one. He still should have dropped it. Otherwise, he comes off like Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice when he assumes that every woman automatically answers every marriage proposal with a no but intends to say yes on being asked again immediately after. "Being nice and accommodating to one's guest" is not an invitation to ask the same question again.

Jen4948 · August 2014

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Eh, I feel for the poor guy.
IMO, it's better than people asking the B&G's opinion on something and then doing what you want anyway. He genuinely wants to know if you really want the $600 vacuum cleaner, and if so, they can make sure you get the thing you really want.
It's awkward as hell, but at least he's trying to be considerate.

The first time he asked the question he was trying to be considerate. But when the OP told him that it didn't matter what he gave them because his presence was what was important to her, he stopped being considerate when he pushed back.

True. But he doesn't get that.
I'm seeing that I'm having trouble making people understand that I mean what I say when I give you the first answer and I'm not just being nice or accommodating. Like when I tell FMIL that I don't really want a shower and don't need gifts from people I don't know.
If OP had a real preference gift-wise and was just being nice and accommodating to her guest, that's what the "No really" was meant to accomplish - i.e. "you're not going to offend me by saying that you've got something that you really want, because we want to give that to you."

If the OP had a real gift preference, the time to have stated it was when he originally asked her. She didn't state one. He still should have dropped it. Otherwise, he comes off like Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice when he assumes that every woman automatically answers every marriage proposal with a no but intends to say yes on being asked again immediately after. "Being nice and accommodating to one's guest" is not an invitation to ask the same question again.

I never said it's right. We tell people all the time that when a question is first asked, that's the time they should have answered it. If everyone would just figure out how to state their preferences the first time (like OP did) then maybe other people wouldn't assume that they got a fake answer which may get backtracked upon later.
I said lots of people do ask the question a second time, and when they do it, they do it because they think they're trying to help you express your real preference, not because they're trying to be bothersome and make their own gift giving choices easier.

Unfortunately, what they think they're trying to do is the opposite of what they're achieving. And when they do it repeatedly, they go from being considerate to being pushy to being very inconsiderate.

jenijoyk · August 2014

I feel for him too. He's very nice and I know he just wants to get us the right gift - the whole thing is just very awkward and silly. Come on, guy! But I really wasn't lying with my first response... I have no gift preference! And I'm not expecting gifts. I would be flattered and touched if he and his wife came to my wedding, if they came and brought me a $25 candleholder, if they came and gave me $100 in cash... I'd even be touched and flattered if they don't come and still get their RSVP decline card in before the deadline. That's also gift enough for me. I made a few registries (all on my website) with lots of items to make it easy for people to pick out gifts we would obviously appreciate, if they wanted to give a gift. Does he really think if he gets me the blender we picked out, I'll be like, "Ugh, if only he gave me CASH!" Haha - gross! (And I'd just use the cash to get me that blender.) I think he takes gift giving very seriously. I am making a mental note to make a point in his thank you card about how ABSOLUTELY PERFECT his gift was. Whatever it may end up being. It's just so funny how awkward weddings make people.

APDSS22 · August 2014

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Eh, I feel for the poor guy.
IMO, it's better than people asking the B&G's opinion on something and then doing what you want anyway. He genuinely wants to know if you really want the $600 vacuum cleaner, and if so, they can make sure you get the thing you really want.
It's awkward as hell, but at least he's trying to be considerate.

The first time he asked the question he was trying to be considerate. But when the OP told him that it didn't matter what he gave them because his presence was what was important to her, he stopped being considerate when he pushed back.

True. But he doesn't get that.
I'm seeing that I'm having trouble making people understand that I mean what I say when I give you the first answer and I'm not just being nice or accommodating. Like when I tell FMIL that I don't really want a shower and don't need gifts from people I don't know.
If OP had a real preference gift-wise and was just being nice and accommodating to her guest, that's what the "No really" was meant to accomplish - i.e. "you're not going to offend me by saying that you've got something that you really want, because we want to give that to you."

If the OP had a real gift preference, the time to have stated it was when he originally asked her. She didn't state one. He still should have dropped it. Otherwise, he comes off like Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice when he assumes that every woman automatically answers every marriage proposal with a no but intends to say yes on being asked again immediately after. "Being nice and accommodating to one's guest" is not an invitation to ask the same question again.

I loved your comment solely based on the Mr. Collins reference.

Jen4948 · August 2014

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Eh, I feel for the poor guy.
IMO, it's better than people asking the B&G's opinion on something and then doing what you want anyway. He genuinely wants to know if you really want the $600 vacuum cleaner, and if so, they can make sure you get the thing you really want.
It's awkward as hell, but at least he's trying to be considerate.

The first time he asked the question he was trying to be considerate. But when the OP told him that it didn't matter what he gave them because his presence was what was important to her, he stopped being considerate when he pushed back.

True. But he doesn't get that.
I'm seeing that I'm having trouble making people understand that I mean what I say when I give you the first answer and I'm not just being nice or accommodating. Like when I tell FMIL that I don't really want a shower and don't need gifts from people I don't know.
If OP had a real preference gift-wise and was just being nice and accommodating to her guest, that's what the "No really" was meant to accomplish - i.e. "you're not going to offend me by saying that you've got something that you really want, because we want to give that to you."

If the OP had a real gift preference, the time to have stated it was when he originally asked her. She didn't state one. He still should have dropped it. Otherwise, he comes off like Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice when he assumes that every woman automatically answers every marriage proposal with a no but intends to say yes on being asked again immediately after. "Being nice and accommodating to one's guest" is not an invitation to ask the same question again.

I never said it's right. We tell people all the time that when a question is first asked, that's the time they should have answered it. If everyone would just figure out how to state their preferences the first time (like OP did) then maybe other people wouldn't assume that they got a fake answer which may get backtracked upon later.
I said lots of people do ask the question a second time, and when they do it, they do it because they think they're trying to help you express your real preference, not because they're trying to be bothersome and make their own gift giving choices easier.

Unfortunately, what they think they're trying to do is the opposite of what they're achieving. And when they do it repeatedly, they go from being considerate to being pushy to being very inconsiderate.

Story of most weddings

And of life itself. :_-(

cowgirl8238 · August 2014

Maybe I am of a different thought on this subject. Not syaing I'm right or wrong here, but if the guy asks you multiple times what gifts you prefer, whats the harm in actaully telling him?

I agree it is rude of him to keep bringing it up. But maybe he is just really clueless. If you don't want to tell him directly, then just bean dip away!

KatieinBkln · August 2014

mysticl said:

KatieinBkln said:

jenijoyk said:

He totally just emailed again. "Can you send me links to all of your registries?"
So. Awkward.

Um. Has he not heard of asking someone close to the bride/groom these questions?

I remember fielding this one from my old boss's clients. Which was the way to go, right? Ask his assistant; it's weird to say, "So direct me to the list of presents, please."

As a work friend maybe he doesn't know anyone close to the bride and groom.

Surely if he is a gainfully employed human being, he has the resources to figure out SOME way to get the info he needs without being awkward.

How best to handle awkward gift question from guest?

Re: How best to handle awkward gift question from guest?

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