Timeline Rant

justbeingme93 · August 2014

Hey Ladies,

My BF and I had a serious talk last night about the next two years or so. We are in a tricky position because there are so many "what ifs" that we cannot plan for. But, that is life. We are staring our fourth year in college this fall, and we will both be graduating in December of 2015. We know that we want to wait until after college graduation to get engaged. I have managed to budget well and work really hard to pay for school in full so far. I don't have any debt, and I think I can squeak by these last three semester to keep it that way. BF, on the other hand, went to an expensive private school. He has worked really hard to keep his loans down to a minimum. But, he will have about $25,000 worth of loans by the time he gets done. We made an agreement that he needs to pay off, at least, half of that amount by the time we get married. That is best case scenario. After looking at his finances last night, it looks like we will not be getting engaged until 2017 or later. Lord have mercy. That is a long wait considering that we do not want to live together until after we get married.

Sorry for my rant. haha.

Did you and your SO have a timeline?

Did you stick to your timeline?

Did making a timeline help or hurt your anticipation?

[Deleted User] · August 2014

@justbeingme93 -That's awesome you have been able to pay off your school payments! I wish I had done that...I still have some loans to pay off unfortunately. Hopefully they will be gone in the next few years.

H and I didn't have a timeline really. We knew we wanted to get married and he told me about 8 months after we started dating that he was going to propose in the next 6 months lol. That drove me crazy because I hate surprises and I'm a huge planner and I prepare for everything. So he ended up proposing 3 months after that in February and we got married 9 months later. We didn't have a date in mind really, we just wanted to get married that year because we couldn't wait any longer.

joy14bw · August 2014

I obviously don't have a timeline for anything but coming from someone who lost their SO....Don't fight about the small stuff. Or stuff you can't control right now.

I know $$ is a big deal but it can be super stressful. Right now just focus on life and graduating and how big that accomplishment is. A job and moderate budget will take care of school debt in no time.

I'm blessed to have no debt and a great job but it takes time. I wouldn't worry to much right now.

bethsmiles · August 2014

I can totally relate to your situation and I know it sucks!

BF and I met our first week of college and have pretty much always known we want to get married. But we also wanted to be finished with school and able to financially support ourselves. We created an original timeline that has changed many, many times. It's hard when you are so young and don't have full-time stable jobs and a lot of things in place to plan for the future because there are so many what ifs. We've ended up pushing back our plans to get engaged/married several times now. But I still feel like having a timeline (even if we re-evaluate and change it a lot) helps with the anticipation. I know we are both on the same page about things and I know our plan can always be re-evaluated.

We also don't want to live together until we are married so I get how it feels like you really are putting so much on hold when you wait so long to get married. Just keep communicating with each other and don't be afraid to re-evaluate your timeline based on what life throws at you.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@es14bw

Thank you for your advice. SO and I tend to be really great about not fighting about the small stuff. We have been together so long that we have learned that fighting about the small stuff is not worth it.

@bethsmiles

Thank you for your kind words. I know my SO and I are young, so I thought I might catch some flack from people. But, we have known that we wanted to be husband and wife for a long time now. We are coming up on our 7th anniversary this winter. I think having a timeline has helped keep me sane. I am comfortable with the timeline right now and so is he, but you are right. Depending on what happens...our timeline could change quite quickly.

I am being somewhat patient right now, but I think I am going to get a little bit more antsy when other couples we know start getting married before us. And, some of our friends and family have just started to drop hints about waiting for us to get engaged. I posted a picture from our trip up north this weekend. It was a picture of us in front of the lake, and he was holding me up hugging me. My aunt and my co-worker both thought it was an engagement picture.

Edit: Sorry, TK is screwing with my formatting.

eilis1228 · August 2014

We had a timeline sort of like that. We met in FI's last semester of undergrad and my last year of grad school (yes, I'm the older woman! but only by 6 months). He had minimal debt (approx $20k), but I have a ton of debt ($65k). He also needed a new car desperately, which was another $16k loan. We figured out pretty early on we wanted to get married, but he said from the start that he wanted to pay off his debt entirely and then pay for the wedding out of pocket. Once we get married, my entire salary will go towards paying off my debt. A couple of years ago we sat down and figured out that he would pay everything off in June of this year, and then he would need a few months to save for the rings and his portion of the wedding. The ladies here will tell you that as June approached, I went BSC. Having a timeline was great because I knew when to expect our relationship to move forward, but it was also terrible because I knew the ring was coming... and I am NOT a patient person. Timelines can be both a blessing and a curse.

He did stick to the timeline, although he isn't completely finished paying off his debt. He paid off all of his school loans in May, proposed in June, and should be finished paying off his car in September or October. The wait was agonizing, but overall I'm glad he waited to propose until we were in a better financial position.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@southernpeach,

Thank you! I have worked really hard to accomplish this. It was my goal from the beginning of high school. I didn't play any sports my last two years in high school, so I could work two part time jobs. I saved my pennies, and it has worked out so far!

Thank you for your advice. I have a feeling if our timeline gets thrown off too much...we are just going to end up saying "SCREW IT! Lets get married now!" I don't want to wait too much longer after our 10th anniversary to get married.

AuroraRose41 · August 2014

@justbeingme93, BF and I sort of have a timeline right now, but it really depends on one major thing that may or may not happen in the next few months. That major thing is if I go to law school next year, and I will find out and make that decision in the next few months (there should be an info session on the program I want to get into next month). And our original timeline last time we talked about it was to get married, then I would go to law school, and then we would buy a house. It looks like the first two might be switched or happen concurrently (I would get summers off, so it might be possible). But I understand. If you ever need anyone to talk to, let me know!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Within the last month sometime, BF and I talked about the future. He wants to have been together around 3 years when we get married. I don't really know for sure why. I think that's just the amount of time that he feels comfortable that he truly knows everything about me. I think living together for over a year now should prove that, but I'm sort of placating him because at least I know he's planning on it happening. We've been together almost two years now, and my ideal would be to have at least a year to be engaged. However, I'm sure that he doesn't think we need very long since we've agreed on an immediate family only wedding.

So essentially, we have a "timeline", but the anticipation is kind of killing me! However, I know it's only going to happen once, and I don't want it all to be over too soon! That's kind of what is keeping me going. Knowing that when it happens it will be amazing, and waiting will just make it that much more special when it does happen. But I get where you're coming from. Good for you guys!

phira · August 2014

We're considerably older than you are; J is 30 and I'm nearly 28. When we met, he was almost 28 and I was 25. We were both several years out of college, and we'd been living on our own for a while.

Our timeline wasn't something we ever discussed until we'd been together for about a year. Which, honestly, was pretty stupid because we'd already moved in together and "move in together" was something I'd originally timelined. I wanted to date for a year before living together, then live together a year before getting engaged, and then be engaged for a year. But we signed a lease after 5 months and moved in together 5 months later (Boston apartment rental market is terrible). After our anniversary, we sat down and talked, and we both wanted to wait the same amount of time for engagement and marriage.

J has a lot of debt from undergrad and grad, but if we waited till he'd paid off half of it, it would be another ... 5-6 years or so.

The thing is, your timeline should feel right to you. If 2017 feels like it's too far away, then maybe it is. If you're waiting till you're married to live together, but you're ready for cohabitation before you're ready for marriage, then you might want to reconsider why you want to wait till marriage.

I will say this: there's really no rush. When I was in college and single, it felt like EVERYONE was in a relationship. A couple years after college, it felt like EVERYONE was engaged. A couple years ago, I almost quit Facebook in disgust after three people I went to high school with all had their weddings on the same weekend.

But I'm engaged and ... none of my friends are. My only friends who are married are people I met after college who are several years older than I am (mid to late 30s).

My point is that 2017 might feel like it's super far away, but you're young, and there's no rush. So if you want to wait because 2017 feels like it's right for you and the most responsible choice for you, then I vote on waiting.

GoldenPenguin · August 2014

justbeingme93 said:

Hey Ladies,

My BF and I had a serious talk last night about the next two years or so. We are in a tricky position because there are so many "what ifs" that we cannot plan for. But, that is life. We are staring our fourth year in college this fall, and we will both be graduating in December of 2015. We know that we want to wait until after college graduation to get engaged. I have managed to budget well and work really hard to pay for school in full so far. I don't have any debt, and I think I can squeak by these last three semester to keep it that way. BF, on the other hand, went to an expensive private school. He has worked really hard to keep his loans down to a minimum. But, he will have about $25,000 worth of loans by the time he gets done. We made an agreement that he needs to pay off, at least, half of that amount by the time we get married. That is best case scenario. After looking at his finances last night, it looks like we will not be getting engaged until 2017 or later. Lord have mercy. That is a long wait considering that we do not want to live together until after we get married.

Sorry for my rant. haha.

Did you and your SO have a timeline?

Did you stick to your timeline?

Did making a timeline help or hurt your anticipation?

I just have to say that while I think it's absolutely AMAZING that you have no debt from college, that isn't the normal situation, and I feel like making him pay off at least half of his debt prior to marriage is almost a punishment for not being able to come out of college debt free. If he had $20k in credit cards or something, I could understand, but the "you must pay this off before you can marry me" seems really judgy.

My FI has zero debt from college. I have been out for 11 years and still have $50k to pay back. (We went to the same school - private, very expensive.) I get wanting to go into a marriage debt free, but if that was a stipulation put on me & my debt, we would never get married. Like I said before, he doesn't have BAD debt.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@AuroraRose41

It sounds like you have a lot of life changes coming your way! That is amazing. I hope all goes well with your timeline and plans. Thank you for offering to be a sounding board for me. I really appreciate that. I will definitely PM you, if I need to talk. I would like to extend the same offer to you!

@EisleyJoGo

Props to you for being so accepting of his needs without an explanation. I can see where that might be frustrating for you, but it is good that you are letting him take his time. I love what you said at the end of your post.

So essentially, we have a "timeline", but the anticipation is kind of killing me! However, I know it's only going to happen once, and I don't want it all to be over too soon! That's kind of what is keeping me going. Knowing that when it happens it will be amazing, and waiting will just make it that much more special when it does happen. But I get where you're coming from. Good for you guys!

I need to start thinking with that mentality! Thank you for your wise words.

Peaseblossom55 · August 2014

H & I never really had a timeline or discussed one really. We just knew things were going to progress to marriage at some point. I got awfully impatient for quite awhile. We are also older and well out of school with no debt.

There are so many exciting things coming up in your future it might be hard to set a timeline. I wouldn't so much be concerned about how much of his loans he has or hasn't paid off before getting married though. I would have a loose timeframe in mind and see where the future takes you, you never know.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

@justbeingme93 said:

I need to start thinking with that mentality! Thank you for your wise words.

Damn! I don't think I've ever been called wise before! *pats self on back*

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@Phira

Thank you for response. Your situation definitely gave me a lot of good perspective on our age and current situation. I think 2017 seems so far away for me because I have known that I have wanted to marry him for awhile. We are two responsible adults, and we know that we want to get married. Unfortunately, my biological age has not caught up to my and "mental age" (if you will). If I could marry him tomorrow, I would in a heart beat! But, I know we need to graduate, get settled into full time jobs, and get our finances in order.

@GoldenPenguin,

The conversation I had with him was definitely not me telling him that he needs to pay off the debt before proposing. We talked about the debt he has now and calculated the debt he is going to add to that amount over the next three semesters. He was the one to bring up his initial goal of paying off half of the debt first. Personally, I think it is a smart decision, but I wouldn't care either way. I don't think less of him for having debt. We are lucky that we have been able to pay off as much as we have. His goal of paying off his debt became "our goal" because we need to be on the same page about it. I am honoring his wishes.

We just want to start our marriage off with the least amount of debt possible because we are already at a disadvantage being so young.

@Peaseblossom55

I really wish that I could have a super carefree attitude and have a relaxed timeline, but I think if I didn't have some kind of basic timeline...I would go BSC. That is just my personality. I like to plan, but I also know that life pays no attention to plans. You are right...I am just going to have to wait and see.

phira · August 2014

@GoldenPenguin Totally agree with you. These days, it's very, very, very difficult to pay for all your own college unless you're wealthy or really lucky. J went to state school and graduated almost 10 years ago and he's still saddling almost $40k of debt.

@justbeingme93 Honestly, while I totally believe that you're probably mature for your age, you're still young. I know that in 5 years, I'm going to look back and go, "Oh, 27-nearly-28 year old Phira, you knew NOTHING of LIFE." I definitely look back on where I was when I was 22 or 23 and shake my head. And 22/23 year old me thought high school me was a joke.

Basically, I believe you're mature for your age, but I feel like it's kind of irrelevant, if that makes any sense. 20/21-year-old mature isn't the same as being 25 or 26.

Peaseblossom55 · August 2014

I totally get it, much easier said than done to be a carefree about it. I was so anxious about not having a time line I almost went nuts and yes I'm a planner too. Despite my craziness about it I wouldn't change when it all happened either.

GoldenPenguin · August 2014

Peaseblossom55 said:

H & I never really had a timeline or discussed one really. We just knew things were going to progress to marriage at some point. I got awfully impatient for quite awhile. We are also older and well out of school with no debt.
There are so many exciting things coming up in your future it might be hard to set a timeline. I wouldn't so much be concerned about how much of his loans he has or hasn't paid off before getting married though. I would have a loose timeframe in mind and see where the future takes you, you never know.

This was us, too. We discussed the fact that we wanted to get married a few times, and then when we were walking past a jewelry store in his hometown after Christmas, we went in, and he wanted to know what I liked. We went ring shopping shortly thereafter, and he proposed in May.

We've also talked about where we'd like to live (neither of us want to stay here forever), but we don't have a real timeline on that either. We'll just see what happens!

GoldenPenguin · August 2014

justbeingme93 said:

@Phira

Thank you for response. Your situation definitely gave me a lot of good perspective on our age and current situation. I think 2017 seems so far away for me because I have known that I have wanted to marry him for awhile. We are two responsible adults, and we know that we want to get married. Unfortunately, my biological age has not caught up to my and "mental age" (if you will). If I could marry him tomorrow, I would in a heart beat! But, I know we need to graduate, get settled into full time jobs, and get our finances in order.

@GoldenPenguin,

The conversation I had with him was definitely not me telling him that he needs to pay off the debt before proposing. We talked about the debt he has now and calculated the debt he is going to add to that amount over the next three semesters. He was the one to bring up his initial goal of paying off half of the debt first. Personally, I think it is a smart decision, but I wouldn't care either way. I don't think less of him for having debt. We are lucky that we have been able to pay off as much as we have. His goal of paying off his debt became "our goal" because we need to be on the same page about it. I am honoring his wishes.

We just want to start our marriage off with the least amount of debt possible because we are already at a disadvantage being so young.

@Peaseblossom55

I really wish that I could have a super carefree attitude and have a relaxed timeline, but I think if I didn't have some kind of basic timeline...I would go BSC. That is just my personality. I like to plan, but I also know that life pays no attention to plans. You are right...I am just going to have to wait and see.

I didn't mean my initial response to come off like I thought you were TELLING him to do that, I apologize. Regardless, whether it was his idea or not, I don't know if it's really a feasible thing to do right out of school. I don't know what field he's going into, but he might not be able to find a job immediately after graduation - that's a problem with A LOT of college graduates now. (I work at a university that has a super high percentage of graduates getting job offers prior to graduation, and even our job placement rates have gone down in the last few years.) I came out of college and had to do TWO internships before finding full-time employment - that pushed my loans off for those two years, while they were still accruing interest. It's not fair, but it happens. In order to pay off his loans, he's going to have to pay more than his minimum payments - and depending on what kind of job he gets coming out of school, that just might not be able to happen - especially if you aren't living together and sharing living expenses as well.

I just don't want EITHER of you to set goals that might not happen because of whatever circumstances, when, in reality, it won't change much if he's still paying for the majority of his student loans when you get married.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@phira

I absolutely agree with you. I know that I am young. I recognize that we are in a young relationship. That is why we have waited so long already. I am not the same person I was when my SO and I started dating six years ago. He is not the same person he was when I started dating him. I thank God for that very fact every day. I am dating a completely different person, and I am still madly in love with him. That is the funny thing about love. If you find the right person, you can change and grow with them over the years. I really do value what you have to say.

Also, I don't think you are old! haha.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@GoldenPenguin

I appreciate your realistic response. Also, thank you for re-wording your first post. I understand what you were trying to get at now.

I understand that everything we have planned is if everything falls perfectly into place. Right now, he has a part time job that is willing to offer him a full time position right after graduation. The plan is for him to live at home for a year and work at that full time job. That will cut his living expenses (e.g., rent, utilities, grocery bills, etc.) down to exactly $0. He should be able to put a large dent into his loans by doing this. His parents have offered him that deal for one year and one year only. We are extremely blessed to have that as an option. During that time, he will be looking for a more "ideal" job that suits his major (Marketing) a little bit better.

morphemes · August 2014

OP, I want to jump on the bandwagon of being very impressed that you have no debt from undergrad. I also worked very, very hard in undergrad to graduate debt free (I also had a scholarship that helped a lot since I went to a private school, very expensive). Congrats--that is quite the feat!

It sounds like you and your BF have some solid plans, but remember to be flexible. Having some student loan debt when you get engaged/married isn't the worst thing.

I am almost 26 and my partner is almost 36, we're approaching our 2 year anniversary (1 year anniversary living together) and we haven't really discussed timelines. I know that he's happy with our current relationship, and so am I. He has supported me through my first 1.5 years of law school (emotionally, not financially-- I am no longer debt-free to say the least). We know that we want to be together, and perhaps marry, but we don't have a firm time line for that. He knows that I wouldn't want to get married before graduating from law school (I work part-time too and I just don't want to add the stress of wedding planning to that), but we may decide, together, to become engaged before graduation.

The important thing to remember is to always communicate. Timelines change, sometimes unexpected and unplanned for events happen. Keep your ultimate goals in sight, but be open to following a different path. Good luck!

GoldenPenguin · August 2014

justbeingme93 said:

@GoldenPenguin

I appreciate your realistic response. Also, thank you for re-wording your first post. I understand what you were trying to get at now.

I understand that everything we have planned is if everything falls perfectly into place. Right now, he has a part time job that is willing to offer him a full time position right after graduation. The plan is for him to live at home for a year and work at that full time job. That will cut his living expenses (e.g., rent, utilities, grocery bills, etc.) down to exactly $0. He should be able to put a large dent into his loans by doing this. His parents have offered him that deal for one year and one year only. We are extremely blessed to have that as an option. During that time, he will be looking for a more "ideal" job that suits his major (Marketing) a little bit better.

This is AWESOME. I have had friends who have done this, and either complained or been embarrassed by the fact that they're living at home. If I had the option, I TOTALLY would have done it. This will DEFINITELY help him reach his goals!!

I will keep all my fingers crossed that he finds a marketing job! Unfortunately, that's one of the tougher fields right now.

I want you to know that I *AM* rooting for you!! I think you are a very smart chica - but I'm old, so I feel the need to give the realistic advice because I've "been there, done that." I always keep it real, but I think you knew that already

jenna8984 · August 2014

Do you mind if I ask why you don't want to live together until you are married? OP and another poster said this and I'm just curious because I don't understand why. I personally think living together is the best thing you can do to see if you are truly compatible to make it forever. Love is one thing, living with someone is another thing and it takes work, and I think it's beneficial to see what you're getting yourself into first. I am not saying that not living together first equals divorce because I'm sure there are those on here who did that and are very happily married. I am just curious why you don't want to when it can be such a great learning experience.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

@Goldenpenguin

It is pretty damn awesome that he has that opportunity. It isn't his ideal situation, but it will be totally kick ass for finances.

If you and I had this entire conversation IRL, I picture it ending like this...

Thank you for keeping it real for me. haha

morphemes · August 2014

@Jenna8984 I completely agree with you about living with your SO being one of the best ways to get to know them. When someone says they're waiting for marriage, I generally assume it's due to religious reasons, which I respect. However, I agree that dating, and loving someone are great, but that you don't truly get to know some aspects of your partner's life until you live with him/her! I certainly learned a lot about my partner when he and I moved in together!

justbeingme93 · August 2014

morphemes said:

OP, I want to jump on the bandwagon of being very impressed that you have no debt from undergrad. I also worked very, very hard in undergrad to graduate debt free (I also had a scholarship that helped a lot since I went to a private school, very expensive). Congrats--that is quite the feat!

It sounds like you and your BF have some solid plans, but remember to be flexible. Having some student loan debt when you get engaged/married isn't the worst thing.

I am almost 26 and my partner is almost 36, we're approaching our 2 year anniversary (1 year anniversary living together) and we haven't really discussed timelines. I know that he's happy with our current relationship, and so am I. He has supported me through my first 1.5 years of law school (emotionally, not financially-- I am no longer debt-free to say the least). We know that we want to be together, and perhaps marry, but we don't have a firm time line for that. He knows that I wouldn't want to get married before graduating from law school (I work part-time too and I just don't want to add the stress of wedding planning to that), but we may decide, together, to become engaged before graduation.

The important thing to remember is to always communicate. Timelines change, sometimes unexpected and unplanned for events happen. Keep your ultimate goals in sight, but be open to following a different path. Good luck!

Thank you! It has been quite the interesting endeavor. I haven't had real food in ooohhh...four years. But, I am glad that I am making it through! I have been quite lucky with fabulous part time jobs.

I like what you said about being flexible with the timelines and keeping an open line of communication. I agree that those elements are going to be huge during this transitional period.

It sounds like you have a busy few years ahead of you! Congratulations on pursuing such a prestigious degree.

phira · August 2014

@morphemes Yeah, I learned a LOT about J when we moved in together. It was an easy transition, but just the process of moving in together meant learning new things. Our transition into marriage hasn't been entirely smooth either (as many of you know), and I can't imagine adjusting to living with someone and being married to them at the same time.

OP, I do want to say that I'm not going to discourage you from getting married when you and your SO want to. I hope I didn't come off that way. I just think that there's definitely a lot of internal pressure we put on ourselves to meet milestones.

justbeingme93 · August 2014

jenna8984 said:

Do you mind if I ask why you don't want to live together until you are married? OP and another poster said this and I'm just curious because I don't understand why. I personally think living together is the best thing you can do to see if you are truly compatible to make it forever. Love is one thing, living with someone is another thing and it takes work, and I think it's beneficial to see what you're getting yourself into first. I am not saying that not living together first equals divorce because I'm sure there are those on here who did that and are very happily married. I am just curious why you don't want to when it can be such a great learning experience.

Well, there are a few reasons.

First, I am religious. My personal opinion is that I should be married to my SO before I live with him. But, I will not get into all of that. That is just my opinion.

However, I have thought about this idea on a more personal level as well. I am 21 years old. I am still working on who I am as a person, and my SO is doing the same thing. I need to know that I can support myself before I can live with a SO. I have had female and male roommates. Although, I was not romantically involved with any of my roommates. I can see where living with an SO could produce a different atmosphere in a home than just a friend. I do know what it means to co-exist and deal with awkward and difficult roommate situations.

On a completely petty note, I think if we moved in together it would slow down the entire engagement/marriage process.

minskat30 · August 2014

I think PP have had great advice. My two cents on the living together before marriage thing is I wouldn't have done it with H without a timeline in place that wasn't a "few years from now" timeline but H and I were much older when we met (I was 29 when he moved in, he was 34) so that changes things a bit. I agree with @Jenna8984 and @morphemes that living together is a really great way to get to know each other in a somewhat more clear light. I did do it in a prior relationship when I was younger and it really helped me understand what I wanted and didn't want in a partner.

To answer your questions, H and I did have a timeline before we discussed living together and we did stick with it. It was very reassuring to have but, like @ellis1228 mentioned I was going a little BSC around the time when the timeline was near (these ladies kept me sane).

morphemes · August 2014

phira said:

@morphemes Yeah, I learned a LOT about J when we moved in together. It was an easy transition, but just the process of moving in together meant learning new things. Our transition into marriage hasn't been entirely smooth either (as many of you know), and I can't imagine adjusting to living with someone and being married to them at the same time.

OP, I do want to say that I'm not going to discourage you from getting married when you and your SO want to. I hope I didn't come off that way. I just think that there's definitely a lot of internal pressure we put on ourselves to meet milestones.

Ahh so much this! I, admittedly, am not the best at dealing with too much change at once. So starting law school and moving in together (in a new state too) was a lot for me--but, it's actually turned out really, really well! Mostly due to the wealth of patience my partner has (he amazes me).

That being said, there have been frustrating moments, and I'm glad we're taking this time to develop our relationship and learn more about each other before we get engaged/married. It was definitely the right move for us!

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