Wedding Crashers

perdonami · August 2014

So, one of the couples I invited to our wedding has recently sent in their decline to attend the wedding. My brother told me last Sunday at my wedding shower that the husband of the couple wants to attend but that the wife is boycotting because she disagrees with the wedding being on a Friday stating that it is rude to have a wedding on a weekday.

However, my brother explained that he plans on attending anyway without his wife.. So, I called him and asked if he will be coming or not so that I can let my caterer know to set a place for you and to ensure you have food and drink available to you. He explained he is not sure but will most likely attend the ceremony.. I kept asking if he will be attending the reception and he said no. I don't want to be rude, but I don't feel comfortable paying for his possible attendance at the reception if he decides to stay after the ceremony.

I've also caught wind that there will be some other folks who were not invited who plan to crash the wedding after the ceremony and I don't plan on paying for these folks as we can't afford it. Which unfortunately is the reason we were unable to invite these people in the first place. So, how do I explian to unvited guests they are not welcomed to stay at the reception? And no, I won't be hiring security.

Anyone experience situations like this before?

rsbloom · August 2014

The friend seems pretty flaky, and it sounds like if his wife finds out, she won't let him go. His wife btw is being dumb, Friday weddings are fine, any other day in the week is inconveniencing to your guests, because then they have to take more days off work.

Does your caterer make extra food in case people show up? If so, I would mark him as a no for now and if he stays pay for him after.

As for the crashers, do you have security at your venue? We have to pay for security because of our guest count and open bar, but we were also warned by friends that some college acquaintances are thinking about crashing(idk why people think this is okay!). You can tell the security or the manager of the venue that you are worried about this, they can help stop this so you don't get charged for the extra heads.

hyechica81 · August 2014

if you have assigned tables can someone from the venue stand by the table to make sure everyone gets there seating card and to not let anyone pass into the room without it

mysticl · August 2014

rsbloom said:

The friend seems pretty flaky, and it sounds like if his wife finds out, she won't let him go. His wife btw is being dumb, Friday weddings are fine, any other day in the week is inconveniencing to your guests, because then they have to take more days off work.

Does your caterer make extra food in case people show up? If so, I would mark him as a no for now and if he stays pay for him after.

As for the crashers, do you have security at your venue? We have to pay for security because of our guest count and open bar, but we were also warned by friends that some college acquaintances are thinking about crashing(idk why people think this is okay!). You can tell the security or the manager of the venue that you are worried about this, they can help stop this so you don't get charged for the extra heads.

Actually there was a whole thread on why Friday weddings can be inconvenient for guests just a few days ago.

OP, I'd go ahead an count on the one person attending the reception. As far as crashers go just simply inform them that they were not invited and there is not space for them at the reception.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

perdonami said:

So, one of the couples I invited to our wedding has recently sent in their decline to attend the wedding. My brother told me last Sunday at my wedding shower that the husband of the couple wants to attend but that the wife is boycotting because she disagrees with the wedding being on a Friday stating that it is rude to have a wedding on a weekday.

However, my brother explained that he plans on attending anyway without his wife.. So, I called him and asked if he will be coming or not so that I can let my caterer know to set a place for you and to ensure you have food and drink available to you. He explained he is not sure but will most likely attend the ceremony.. I kept asking if he will be attending the reception and he said no. I don't want to be rude, but I don't feel comfortable paying for his possible attendance at the reception if he decides to stay after the ceremony.

I've also caught wind that there will be some other folks who were not invited who plan to crash the wedding after the ceremony and I don't plan on paying for these folks as we can't afford it. Which unfortunately is the reason we were unable to invite these people in the first place. So, how do I explian to unvited guests they are not welcomed to stay at the reception? And no, I won't be hiring security.

Anyone experience situations like this before?

Regarding guy #1, you'll just have to take him at his word. Regarding the Crashers, I would notify your venue that you expect an issue. Are you having escort cards? That would be the easiest way for there to be a guest list of sorts. How did you hear about the Crashers?

perdonami · August 2014

I heard about the crashers from fiance and my brothers. Also, some of my co-workers keep saying they are going to crash it and as a result I don't talk about wedding anything anymore at work. I also kindly ask them not to do that please and that I was sorry I couldn't invite everyone I would have liked too.

Fine, if you think my Friday wedding is rude and you need to decline, thats fine but don't say you aren't coming than text someone you are thinking of going anyway. Commit to your decision. I am taking him on his word of his not being able to attend the reception and will not have a space available for him. He is now crashing in my opinion.

No security, but I am having escort cards but I won't have anyone attending the card table so I don't think this will prevent people from just crashing in. I am thinking of just approaching them and explain that they have not been accommodated and need to leave.

LondonLisa · August 2014

Don't make this a problem until it IS a problem. You don't need to call anyone and you don't need to confront anyone. Can anyone at your venue stand by the door and make sure everyone has an escort card? I think it would be worth investigating. I would think this is a fairly easy task and the venue manager could easily handle this- it would take about 20 minutes. He can even have a copy of the guest list if there is an issue.

This guy said he wasn't going to go and declined (three times!), you don't need to plan for him and you don't need to keep calling and asking him.

When you say crashing after the ceremony, have you invited people to the ceremony and not the reception? or is this an open church wedding?

beharrington · August 2014

LondonLisa said:

Don't make this a problem until it IS a problem. You don't need to call anyone and you don't need to confront anyone. Can anyone at your venue stand by the door and make sure everyone has an escort card? I think it would be worth investigating. I would think this is a fairly easy task and the venue manager could easily handle this- it would take about 20 minutes. He can even have a copy of the guest list if there is an issue.

This guy said he wasn't going to go and declined (three times!), you don't need to plan for him and you don't need to keep calling and asking him.

When you say crashing after the ceremony, have you invited people to the ceremony and not the reception? or is this an open church wedding?

I actually did the thing described above. It worked well....until MIL started sneaking guests in through side doors. So, OP, if you truly believe this is going to happen (I did, no one else believed me, and then all apologized when it did since they'd laughed at me), make plans but on the day of, you'll truly just have to let it go. I do recommend hiring security and am not sure why you wouldn't want to shell out the $100ish for peace of mind.

LondonLisa · August 2014

beharrington said:

LondonLisa said:

Don't make this a problem until it IS a problem. You don't need to call anyone and you don't need to confront anyone. Can anyone at your venue stand by the door and make sure everyone has an escort card? I think it would be worth investigating. I would think this is a fairly easy task and the venue manager could easily handle this- it would take about 20 minutes. He can even have a copy of the guest list if there is an issue.

This guy said he wasn't going to go and declined (three times!), you don't need to plan for him and you don't need to keep calling and asking him.

When you say crashing after the ceremony, have you invited people to the ceremony and not the reception? or is this an open church wedding?

I actually did the thing described above. It worked well....until MIL started sneaking guests in through side doors. So, OP, if you truly believe this is going to happen (I did, no one else believed me, and then all apologized when it did since they'd laughed at me), make plans but on the day of, you'll truly just have to let it go. I do recommend hiring security and am not sure why you wouldn't want to shell out the $100ish for peace of mind.

Wow, I am so sorry that happened, but this is a MIL problem, not a security problem. Anyone who thinks this is OK behaviour is not going to listen when a security guard tries to escort them out. This MIL was going to make a scene no matter what. If you have assigned tables, crashers are going to have no meal and no seat, so it is a moot point. You don't need full security, you just need a venue manager to step in.

afaber24 · August 2014

Find out about security options from your venue and ask your caterer about how they handle unexpected guests.

FWIW, I worried a TON about this kind of thing before my wedding but everything worked out great. We had a little over 200 people. About 6 guests did not show up due to an emergency, work, etc. And about 6 people showed up that had either RSVP'd no or people who brought non-SO guests (lame!). So my best advice is to just do your best to plan for all your confirmed guests. The few that just show up are likely to fill in the spots for the few that aren't able to make it.

Good luck!

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

perdonami said:

I heard about the crashers from fiance and my brothers. Also, some of my co-workers keep saying they are going to crash it and as a result I don't talk about wedding anything anymore at work. I also kindly ask them not to do that please and that I was sorry I couldn't invite everyone I would have liked too.

Fine, if you think my Friday wedding is rude and you need to decline, thats fine but don't say you aren't coming than text someone you are thinking of going anyway. Commit to your decision. I am taking him on his word of his not being able to attend the reception and will not have a space available for him. He is now crashing in my opinion.

No security, but I am having escort cards but I won't have anyone attending the card table so I don't think this will prevent people from just crashing in. I am thinking of just approaching them and explain that they have not been accommodated and need to leave.

Let your venue do this. The last thing you want to do is make a scene on your wedding day. If your venue has ever done a wedding before, chances are they have a good way to handle this.

Also, ask your FI and brothers to pass the word (gently) to these people that you are unable to accommodate them at the wedding and that it would be very rude for them to show up uninvited.

JellyBean52513 · August 2014

I just couldn't imagine being the asshole that crashes a wedding, and then gets approached by a venue coordinator: "Excuse me, it appears that all the seats at this table are full and yet I have a guest here who is assigned to this table. Perhaps somebody made their way to the wrong table, does everybody have their escort cards? Oh, you don't have one? Let me see what table you should be assigned to... what's your name?... you aren't actually a guest on the list, and the couple has cleared it with me very thoroughly. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to leave so that the couple's guests can take their seats." Ugh how embarrassing.

Jen4948 · August 2014

LondonLisa said:

beharrington said:

LondonLisa said:

Don't make this a problem until it IS a problem. You don't need to call anyone and you don't need to confront anyone. Can anyone at your venue stand by the door and make sure everyone has an escort card? I think it would be worth investigating. I would think this is a fairly easy task and the venue manager could easily handle this- it would take about 20 minutes. He can even have a copy of the guest list if there is an issue.

This guy said he wasn't going to go and declined (three times!), you don't need to plan for him and you don't need to keep calling and asking him.

When you say crashing after the ceremony, have you invited people to the ceremony and not the reception? or is this an open church wedding?

I actually did the thing described above. It worked well....until MIL started sneaking guests in through side doors. So, OP, if you truly believe this is going to happen (I did, no one else believed me, and then all apologized when it did since they'd laughed at me), make plans but on the day of, you'll truly just have to let it go. I do recommend hiring security and am not sure why you wouldn't want to shell out the $100ish for peace of mind.

Wow, I am so sorry that happened, but this is a MIL problem, not a security problem. Anyone who thinks this is OK behaviour is not going to listen when a security guard tries to escort them out. This MIL was going to make a scene no matter what. If you have assigned tables, crashers are going to have no meal and no seat, so it is a moot point. You don't need full security, you just need a venue manager to step in.

There's no guarantee that the crashers will leave just because there's no meal and no seat. In fact, many of them try to get away with crashing by claiming that they just want to see the couple and don't need a meal or a seat. And just because, or even because, this MIL was going to make an inappropriate scene, I'd say that yeah, that calls for security to escort her away so everyone else can enjoy the time. I do not attend weddings to watch MILs or other guests make scenes just because they don't get their way and it would really spoil the time for me if they did.

perdonami · August 2014

LondonLisa said:

When you say crashing after the ceremony, have you invited people to the ceremony and not the reception? or is this an open church wedding?

No, I have invited all my guests to attend both but the ceremony will be taking place on a public beach. This particular guest is planning on just attending the ceremony but not reception.

perdonami · August 2014

sarahbear31 said:

perdonami said:

I heard about the crashers from fiance and my brothers. Also, some of my co-workers keep saying they are going to crash it and as a result I don't talk about wedding anything anymore at work. I also kindly ask them not to do that please and that I was sorry I couldn't invite everyone I would have liked too.

Fine, if you think my Friday wedding is rude and you need to decline, thats fine but don't say you aren't coming than text someone you are thinking of going anyway. Commit to your decision. I am taking him on his word of his not being able to attend the reception and will not have a space available for him. He is now crashing in my opinion.

No security, but I am having escort cards but I won't have anyone attending the card table so I don't think this will prevent people from just crashing in. I am thinking of just approaching them and explain that they have not been accommodated and need to leave.

Let your venue do this.

Also, ask your FI and brothers to pass the word (gently) to these people that you are unable to accommodate them at the wedding and that it would be very rude for them to show up uninvited.

My brothers are condoning guests crashing the wedding.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

perdonami said:

sarahbear31 said:

perdonami said:

I heard about the crashers from fiance and my brothers. Also, some of my co-workers keep saying they are going to crash it and as a result I don't talk about wedding anything anymore at work. I also kindly ask them not to do that please and that I was sorry I couldn't invite everyone I would have liked too.

Fine, if you think my Friday wedding is rude and you need to decline, thats fine but don't say you aren't coming than text someone you are thinking of going anyway. Commit to your decision. I am taking him on his word of his not being able to attend the reception and will not have a space available for him. He is now crashing in my opinion.

No security, but I am having escort cards but I won't have anyone attending the card table so I don't think this will prevent people from just crashing in. I am thinking of just approaching them and explain that they have not been accommodated and need to leave.

Let your venue do this.

Also, ask your FI and brothers to pass the word (gently) to these people that you are unable to accommodate them at the wedding and that it would be very rude for them to show up uninvited.

My brothers are condoning guests crashing the wedding.

WHOA. That is straight up not cool. Who is funding the wedding? I would have a SERIOUS come to Jesus meeting with your brother and explain that unless he is paying for your wedding, then he has NO RIGHT to encourage this.

I would seriously considering hiring security now that you mention this.

perdonami · August 2014

Yeah, my family isn't exactly classy.. and this friend who is planning to attend the ceremony but not the reception is like a father to my brother. So, if friend #1 decides on a whim to stay for the reception I will be expected to accomodate this.. So, thats why I said maybe I should just approach him say, so sorry but too late.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Who's paying for the wedding?

perdonami · August 2014

Me and my FI are paying for the ceremony and my FMIL is paying for the reception. It breaks down to about 50% us and 50% FMIL.

Anything my FMIL wants she can have and since she isn't ridiculous or demanding it hasn't been an issue.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Glad to hear FMIL has been cool. I definitely suggest a stern talk with your brother and hiring some security.

indianaalum · August 2014

That sucks that his wife is so rude. Friday weddings are fine. They are heck alot cheaper and sometimes money is a factor for people.

On a different note, he probably won't show up but its okay if he does. MOST venues maky about 5-10 percent extra food just in case. You might just get charged later. He won't have a seat, but that will be his own fault if shows up.

dont sweat it. Your coworkers are probably just joking anyhow

moonpowder · August 2014

OMG, now I'm scared.

I personally have told a few key person to make ''security cushion'' around certain people/possible situation. Usually friends or family member of this people/possible situation.

If you have a common friend that could say ''Dude you can't say you don't go then show up, what's wrong with you?''

Just make the buzz go round of ''OMG I have heard people wanted to crash X wedding, I mean people are so stupid, would you go to somebody's house at random and expect to be fed and entertain for free.''

loveislouder · August 2014

I would not want to be any person that tried to crash my wedding - I will have 3 extra brothers to go along with my actual brothers. That would not go well.

SP29 · August 2014

If someone has RSVP'd no, I would not worry about trying to accommodate them- they are a NO.

I would not worry about making up extra plates of food.

For those who show up uninvited, they are the ones who will look bad showing up without a seat or food to eat. It is not your responsibility to accommodate these people.

Escort cards are useful for this.

I would definitely have a stern talking to your brothers. That is just not cool.

If you are worried, talk to the venue about it. I am sure they have ways of dealing with such situations, or can make recommendations based on previous events.

perdonami · August 2014

@SP29 I have a scheduled final meeting with our venue's coordinator at the end of the month and I plan on asking her about potential crashers. Which reminds me, I really need to get my seating chart finalized.. Its only been a few days past the RSVP deadline so I am giving it a bit more time.

I can't believe my wedding is less than a month out.. Time sure does fly.

beethery · August 2014

perdonami said:

@SP29 I have a scheduled final meeting with our venue's coordinator at the end of the month and I plan on asking her about potential crashers. Which reminds me, I really need to get my seating chart finalized.. Its only been a few days past the RSVP deadline so I am giving it a bit more time.

I can't believe my wedding is less than a month out.. Time sure does fly.

You're doing good, I bet everything will turn out great!

perdonami · August 2014

You guys really helped me make it happen. Thanks in advance and will definitely be back to post an update on how my wedding turned out. Hopefully, there won't be too much drama.

Cookie Pusher · August 2014

Seeing as how we armed the groomsmen (and the groom and FIL) with super awesome knew pocket knives as their gifts, it's a good thing we didn't have any crashers or drama!

SiguenzaWedding2015 · August 2014

It's your wedding. Have it on a Friday if you want. If you have "friends" that are going to be petty like that, then they aren't really friends at all.

Call the supposed to be wedding crashers and tell them, honestly, "I do not have enough money to invite everyone I know. For this reason, I've limited my guest list to close friends and immediate family."

Jen4948 · August 2014

SiguenzaWedding2015 said:

It's your wedding. Have it on a Friday if you want. If you have "friends" that are going to be petty like that, then they aren't really friends at all.

Call the supposed to be wedding crashers and tell them, honestly, "I do not have enough money to invite everyone I know. For this reason, I've limited my guest list to close friends and immediate family."

I disagree with both of these.

Certainly the OP can have her wedding anytime she likes, but even her closest friends may not be able to make it to her wedding if it's on a weekday, including Friday-or for that matter, any other time. It doesn't mean they're not good friends if that's the case. It just means that they can't make it.

And it's not a good idea to tell anyone who isn't invited or who RSVPs for people who aren't invited that the reason is because you couldn't afford it. They'll immediately offer to pay their own way. Everyone needs to accept that it's up to the hosts who gets invited, and that if one isn't invited, it's not appropriate to try to force one's way into someone else's event or home.

SP29 · August 2014

Agree with Jen. You do not need to call up anyone, because they were never invited. There needs to be no explanation about why they were not invited- they just weren't! It is only them who will look bad if they show up without a chair to sit in and meal to eat.

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